Oak Tree Bend Hangin' On Another Day

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
- Lifehouse, Broken

For @Jessie
DATED: 7/16 - Midday, Sunny - 75 ° F/24 ° C

These days were all appallingly similar, one sunny morning, scorching-hot day and clear, humid evening after another. Nothing was happening, everything was so quiet and tranquil, it was unbelievable, but after having spend so long a time on alert, falling back into a peaceful routine was hard. Impossible, even. Drestig missed action, he longed to have something to do; Something more than patrolling borders! Now that he knew Oak Tree Bend was safe, what's left of it anyway, he longed to travel once more, trek out into the land to explore and discover anew.

But he couldn't leave the Bend. Even with so many painful memories now inadvertently connected to the pack land, the land of the Oak was his home, and he owed his allegiance to Triell; And Jessie... Jessie. His mentor who had reluctantly taken him on as a student in the field of scouting, going with him on his first big mission, and keeping close watch of him without his knowledge. They hadn't spoken since that day; When @Hotei... The ebony and silver man wrinkled his brows, glaring into the slowly trickling water at his paws. He had come here to try and escape the infernal heat, hoping that the cold water of the little bend could help ease his mind. But all it did was remind him of Jessie. They had sat here with each other, what felt like a lifetime ago, sharing a strange moment of closeness after a heated argument. That seemed to be their core of their relationship, arguing and making up; without really making up.

Drestig shook his head, chasing off the curious flies that swarmed around his eyes in the afternoon heat. But his thoughts were not so easily scared. He had wanted to support his teacher and friend, the comfort her, but he didn't know how. His own heart was a mess already, how could he possibly help mend hers? Still, he had promised Hotei that he would look after her, and right now, he was failing that promise; Because I'm afraid..! Afraid he wouldn't be able to help, and afraid of talking about his own pain; I'm useless!

Word count: 359

"Speech" Thoughts

WHEN YOUR DREAMS ALL FAIL,

AND THE ONES WE HAIL,

Drestig Avalon

ARE THE WORST OF ALL,

AND THE BLOOD'S RUN STALE.

(This post was last modified: Jul 20, 2015, 12:55 PM by Drestig.)

 

She felt like she was trying to swim through warm water. Jessie wasn’t even good at swimming in general. All she had been doing lately was sleeping and eating whatever scrapings she found lying around. The crushing feeling within here never left, even when she was resting, if it could even be called that anymore. While she took her normal slumber, there was something particularly different about the day. It just seemed hotter, more suffocating. When she opened her eyes, the Tainn did not know where she was. A low groan escaped her mouth, the small part of her that was fighting for survival, telling her that she needed to get hydrated. When was the last time she had drank? When was the last time she had even spoken to anyone? Her subconscious knew the area well enough to acknowledge that there was a water source nearby. She did not like going there, some part of it reminder her too much of Hotei and their times together, especially when the fought. Sometimes, she wished she could just feel his touch again or have him make some snarky comment that she could reply to. She missed the passion but more than anything, she missed his loving embrace and words of love.

By this time in her health, she had long since begun to hallucinate. Her vision had easily blurred over, but visions of Brenton and her sister, and most importantly Hotei plagued her. When she looked up from her resting spot, the larger form of her sister appeared, her piercing eyes staring into Jessie’s soul. You must go…do it, she said. With a grunt and as much force as she could muster, the grey scout pushed herself up, dragging her way towards the stream she knew so well. She was close, she thought, but her muscles began to spasm, a direct result of her not drinking enough whatever. Collapsing, breath heavy, she continued to rest, desperate for something to relieve the ache in her throat and chest. Her matted fur did not bother her, nor did the faraway look in her eyes. She had not had enough energy to even bother with her appearance. However, it seemed that some of her wishes were finally answered. Her blurred vision conjured up a form, one that looked strangely like her lost, dark lover. Her heart ached for him, and her eyes traced his form as he went in for a drink. As much as she tried to move, she couldn’t bring herself to haul her way towards him. A soft whimper escaped her mouth as she called out to him, “Hotei…please help me.” She looked directly at him but he eyes were still unseeing. Her voice cracked with each word, abused from the lack of use. A sudden wave of exhaustion hit her once again so she laid her head down on her paws, a small groan escaping her mouth. She thought she had been in hell when she was in a relationship with Hotei…but that was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. This was so much worse.

A muffled bump from somewhere close by broke through his thoughts, ember eyes blinking to clear away the gathering moisture. Slowly, the ebony man lifted his head, scanning around the area with sluggish movements, gazing out under heavy eyelids. He wasn't particularly interested in finding the source, only looking as per reflex; but he was safe here, there was no need for vigilance. His eyes were already returning to the water when he heard the strangled noise, the helpless pain in the cry sending a cold trickle down his spine and a recognizing stab through his heart. This time his vision was properly focused when he turned his head, gazing through the trees with narrowed eyes. The large, heavy oaken crowns left most of the forest floor in gloomy shade, but still, her silhouette was not hard to spot, once he was truly looking. Sprawled across the ground, salt and pepper fur looking more like mud, and the body underneath looking like little more than bone; Jessie! She was looking right at him, but the usually so sharp, emeralds of her eyes were glazed over as if she was staring straight through him.

The disheveled form called out in a ragged voice, and Drestig froze, already in the midst of his first step towards her; Hotei? Was she seeing things? Even at his lowest point, when he had hardly been eating, and stayed awake as much as possible to avoid nightmares, he hadn't managed that. And as he gathered up his courage and forced himself to continue towards her, he felt jealous; what he wouldn't have given to meet those golden eyes one last time, see them full of live again, even if it was just an illusion. Of course I didn't have any dark female's running around to tempt my brain! He thought to himself, grinding his teeth as the image of Silver appeared in his memory. It took only a few swift steps to bring him over to Jessie's side, stopping at her head, lowered defeatist to her outstretched, grimy paws. Bowing down his head, he brought his muzzle close to her ear; "Jessie." He said flatly, pressing his nose into her jaw, not exactly gently; "You can't lie around out here, the flies will think you're dead." He kept pushing at her, demanding a reaction, she could not ignore him forever.

Word count: 394

"Speech" Thoughts

I MAKE BELIEF I'M IN CONTROL

Drestig Avalon

     AND DREAM IT WASN'T ALL MY FAULT

It was so good to see him and as he made his way towards her, she could only cling onto the hope that they would once again be reunited. Jessie, however, was in for a rude awakening. As soon as he reached her, words were whispered in her ear and almost immediately her heart broke all over again. Confusion was evident in her glazed eyes as she gaze up at the man. The voice was not Hotei’s and the pressure against her jaw was not the familiar, reassuring one she was so used to. At this realization that this dark form was not Hotei, a moan of resistance came from Jessie, a reminder that her body would not allow her to die. Even in her darkest hours, she was always forced to work hard to survive. Without thinking, Jessie’s muzzle weakly pressed against Drestig’s in a desperate attempt to get up. Of course, being dehydrated, there was nothing she really could do in any attempt to get up. Another groan painfully escaped her dry throat as she emptily stared at him, her jaws parting to form the words that she could not express.

Allowing a huff to escape her jaws, she waited for her voice box to respond accordingly, cursing herself for not allowing it to be used more frequently. After swallowing a few more times and attempting to speak, she got her point across with one word, even if it was pathetically weak, ”Water…” Her voice faded off at the end, showing just how truly weak she was. The knowledge that this was Drestig in front of her and not Hotei crushed her. It was worse enough knowing that Hotei would never sleep by her side again unless it was his rotted corpse. Even the thought made her battered mind nauseous and she could not imagine herself, even in such a fragile state of mind. It did not matter though, even when she did sleep her mind was still in a haze. As long as it took for her to transfer her thought to words, someone could already be done waiting for her response and she would end up speaking to no one, just the empty air. And then after that she still would not realize they had left until later. It was pathetic really. Compared to the woman who made sure Triell’s wishes came first, the woman that existed (if you could even call it that) now was a complete former shell of herself. In truth, she wasn’t actually there. Jessie did not even know where she was.

Her reaction came slowly, so painfully sluggish that the ebony man almost gave up. But finally, like if moving through tar, her head turned, strange, distant eyes looking up at him. His embers stared back, apathetic, not because he didn't feel her plight, but because he knew that if he tried to empathize and gave in to the crushing weight of his own sorrow, he would end up on the ground next to her. Instead he stood, stone faced, as she tried to move, pressing into his muzzle without success. A sigh escaped him and he started to lift his head, but then her lips parted and he paused, watching while she fought to regain her ability of speech, groaning and huffing lowly. Again it seemed to take forever, the connection between her brain and mouth apparently corrupted by her grief. The shadowy man waited, teeth grinding behind the cover of his unmoving lips; Come on... Finally, she seemed to gain control of her tongue, forcing out a hoarse word.

Drestig blinked. Besides the one utterance, there seemed to be no reaction from Jessie, she simply kept staring. He blinked again, turning his head to look at the creek over his shoulder, then turning back; Yes... It's right there! She remained still. He remembered this state, the first while after they returned from finishing off the monsters he had been like this too, though he never thought he allowed it to go this far. There was a slight tug of annoyance at the corner of his mouth, and he shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he glared down at her again; "Well I'm not gonna go get it for you!" He grumbled, suppressing a sudden urge to slap his paw across her face. He knew it wasn't her fault, that she wasn't in her right mind; Or in her mind at all..! But that didn't stop it from irking him that she was this unresponsive. He wasn't mentally stable enough to deal with her.

The dark wolf sighed, turning his eyes up for a moment - wishing hell upon whatever power had put her on his path today - then he shook out his fur and shuffled around her. He knew there was some part in there that wanted to go on living, to fight against the darkness, however unbearable it might seem. If there hadn't been, she would have been dead already. So with a small growl, he stepped close to her side; "Come on then Jess, it's only a few more steps." His voice was wrapped in false kindness, a mild encouraging note to it, he might not feel particularly like playing nurse right now, but she needed him; Why does everybody NEED me?! He bowed his head, pressing against her neck to make her lift it so he could get his head in under it, kneeling beside her to offer support. Though, if she didn't react, he was more than ready to throw of this false cape of compassion and force her up, dragging her to the water by her scruff if need be.

Word count: 521

"Speech" Thoughts

I MAKE BELIEF I'M IN CONTROL

Drestig Avalon

     AND DREAM IT WASN'T ALL MY FAULT

For quite some time, she just laid there, unhearing of any response from her dark companion. But then something happened, his voice cut a knife through her mind. It was something about the sass in his voice that brought some kind of clearing into her mind. Where the hell did he get the idea that he could talk to me like that? Still, she said nothing, not having the energy to and part not caring. Eventually he would probably suffer for it, but right then she did need him. She needed the touch that she felt was forbidden to her. Ever since she was younger she believed that she didn’t need help that she did not need to depend on anyone else. Unfortunately, she had made the mistake on basing her sanity on her lover and now that he was gone, that was gone too. The only problem was that she was driven to deny the forbidden touch of help that she needed. Jessie was stubborn and she always had been. So when Drestig’s voice cut through her mind again, she felt a small surge of anger well up within her. Not towards him but towards herself. It had come to this point and as her emerald eyes clouded with irritation, she had the awful realization that she had made it to the point where she needed help because she had been completely stupid.

So when Drestig was by her side to help she couldn’t deny it. She did not know what it was, perhaps it was her anger, but she pushed, she pushed hard, and with one final grunt she was leaning against Drestig’s side. The effort she put into that made her dizzy and she took a moment to regain her stability. Her breath was shallow and her head pressed against the dark man’s shoulder while her emerald eyes closed for a moment. Not even a moment later did they open, searching for Drestig’s amber orbs. Her eyes were deep pits of sadness but they held a small amount of big gratitude she did not know how to express. It was in her nature to be a survivor, that was why she was there and now she needed to pick her ass off the ground and live. With a small mention of her head, she requested to move forward, her steps shaky. Luckily, she had Drestig’s form to ensure that she did not stumble onto her face. She looked back towards him as her ears flattened against her head. He did not deserve to deal with her shit, had she even bothered checking up on him when Silver had passed away? Yes, quite a few times, but it had not gotten to the point where she needed to help him. She had remained in the shadows to check on him and make sure he was alive, but it never went further than that. Another small whine of gratitude bubbled in her throat and made it out. Things would be okay eventually. They could help on another heal and it would be okay.

(This post was last modified: Aug 18, 2015, 08:26 PM by Jessie.)

Despite his defeatist frustration, the ebony man felt a rush of relief when Jessie finally reacted to his presence. With the help of his supporting body, she fought her way back on her feet, grunting in exertion; And he helped as best he could, snaking his head underneath her neck to lift her, propping her against his shoulder as the stood up together. He could feel her shaking, her short, quick breaths wheezing in his ear as she leaned against him heavily. She was so weak, not just mentally but physically, a quick glance down her side revealed protruding ribs and when he looked at her face, he could see deep, dark circles under her closed eyes; What have you done to yourself?! The first few days after Silver's death, Drestig had been deep in depression, curled up in their, too big and empty, den, unable to sleep, but without the will to move. However eventually thirst and hunger had won out, driving him to seek out the pack caches - And then guilt had impelled him to go hunting. In the end duty to the pack had kept him moving, but it seemed Jessie hadn't been so resourceful; How ironic! It seemed mere days ago they had argued about duty, and yet those days had spanned a lifetime.

It was horrifying to see her like this, the normally strong and austere woman reduced to a fading husk, in need of his help to simply stand. Her eyes opened and their gazes met, the dark pain in her deep green's making him shutter. He knew that pain, oh how he knew it! It was reflected clearly in his smoldering embers, though his expression was only empathetic for a second, then the hardness returned. He nodded lightly in response to her wordless request, ignoring the glint of gratitude in her drifting gaze; He didn't want her thanks, she needed his help, so he gave it, but he wasn't about to fall into her embrace or anything like that.

They walked slowly, every step a struggle, but luckily they only needed a few. Reaching the water, Drestig halted, straightening up carefully to allow he to drink, ready to move in quickly if she lost her balance. Her head turned and their eyes met again, he expression seeming guilty. He blinked once, own face stony, and in reply to her thanks, he simply rumbled lowly; They needed each other, it was an irritating, yet inevitable fact. While he felt less than happy to be here now, he wasn't about to leave, he knew she had been keeping taps on him while he was at his lowest, and therefore he needed to be there for her now. And, even though he told himself it was simply repaying a debt, there was more to it. Helping her get through her grief, made him stronger too, gave him something to focus on and someone to share his pain with, in a way that that was infinitely better than talking or crying; She know without me having to explain, like I know... Looking into those dark emeralds told him everything, and he held the gaze, even though seeing her sorrow made his own that much more pressing; Because it also made it easier.

Finally, after a long silence, the raven male gave the lightest dip of his muzzle, shifting his eyes to the trickling water at their feet; "Drink." He said evenly, not looking back at her until she did.

Word count: 583

"Speech" Thoughts

I MAKE BELIEF I'M IN CONTROL

Drestig Avalon

     AND DREAM IT WASN'T ALL MY FAULT

They held eye contact for several moments, getting messages across to one another with no words. This was better for her. Better than others asking if she was alright or just staring at her. In this deep pit of sadness, she felt a sense of safety. His motion for her to drink registered in her brain slowly but it was enough for her to turn her head towards the water. Huffing slightly, the gray woman leaned down to take a drink, closing her eyes to stop the spinning of the world. The coldness of the water was soothing on her throat and she was thankful that Drestig had helped her. She took her time in drinking, not wanting to make herself sick from a quick intake. She had made that mistake once before and did not want to embarrass herself further in front of her pupil. With a relieved sigh, Jessie straightened up, her body leaning heavily on Drestig. It probably didn’t affect him much anyway, she was light as a feather compared to him.

She felt disgusting. There was no doubt that her fur was matted and knotted. Once she regained some of her strength, she would need to do some serious grooming. She wouldn’t have minded going for a dip into the bend. Jessie, however, knew that she did not have enough energy to do it right then. It would take time for her to accept that fact that she had failed miserably. Oh, how furious Hotei would be with her right then if he would have been with her. She knew there was no excuse for her behavior. This revelation only proved to strengthen her embarrassment. Now that her body was moving again and Jessie was more in tune with her body, she heard her stomach, more than felt it, give a pained growl. She flushed slightly, her body growing hot. When was the last time she had eaten? She certainly did not have enough energy to hunt something for herself. Timidly, she spoke to her pupil, her voice soft, “Is there any food to spare in the caches…? It seems I am a bit famished.” She truly was ashamed. The Scout did not dare look towards Drestig. She did not want to know what was in those glowing amber orbs.

Like with everything previous, her reaction was slow, sluggish, but he allowed her the time, eyes drifting along the silvery blue of the water. When he finally heard the sound of her tongue lapping at the creek, he glanced back, seeing her drink tentatively and noting how she seemed to take care not to be hasty; Good. Whether it was a conscious choice or not, it was smart. He sighed; What kind of NANNY am I?! But he remained by her side, watching her through the corner of one eye while she stilled her thirst. In the end he decided to have a drink himself, couldn't hurt, and their muzzles were only inches apart as they both filled their stomachs with the cold liquid. He kept his hovering over the water, even after he finished, waiting for her to quit before lifting his head and leaning back. As she did the same, her slender frame leaned in to his and he automatically steeled himself, pressing his paws into the mud to better support her. It didn't take much though, she had always been a slight figure, and now... Drestig's brow furrowed as he focused on the feeling of her weight against his flank; Or rather the lack of it. He turned his head to look her over, scanning her figure in a manner more intensive than he ever had before.

Her fur was a mess, dirty, dusty browns and indefinable other hues mixed with its salt and pepper hairs, many places binding them together like nasty glue. He didn't pay much attention to that part though, focusing instead on her side, rising and falling with heavy breaths; When it was relaxed, he could just discern her ribs, poking out under the skin. The sight made him seethe; How long has she been like this? When did she last eat?! He could have kicked himself, if it wouldn't have compromised their stability in the current position. And then, as if she'd been reading his mind, Jessie's stomach suddenly growled loudly, making her raven support jolt slightly in shock. For some reason he was utterly surprised, even though he had just been noting her loss in weight, the sound of her body claiming the lost sustenance perplexed him for a moment. Though no more than her own reaction to it.

He felt her stiffen and turned his gaze to her face, seeing the strangest expression, something quite different from the bottomless darkness now alight in her eyes. She turned them away from him though; Is she... EMBARRASSED?! It seemed impossible, Jessie and shame going together, and yet it appeared to be the case. Then she spoke and he was, if possible, even more shocked. Her voice, no longer hoarse after the lubrication of the water, was low, tender, a careful ring to the words, proving her bashfulness. Drestig looked at her, feeling the strangest sensation swell in his chest, the tiniest of smiles curving his lips. In that moment he was almost overcome with care for her, seeing her so vulnerable made him want to protect her, and bring her back to the strength he knew she possessed.

Finally he nodded, tearing his eyes from her to glance over his opposite shoulder, in direction of the nearest cache. "Lucky for you," He rumbled, warmth in his voice for the first time that evening; "I've been keeping up stock while you bummed around." He smiled down at her again, it was a low blow, he had also been idle until just recently, depending on the surplus gathered by others, but he couldn't help himself, it felt so easy to tease her. With a small nudge at the base of her jaw, he then moved to start leading her into the forest. It was not a long trek, but the stash had been dug away from the water, to avoid flooding. If need be, he could leave her just inside the trees to go get some food, but if she was up for it, he would like to bring her all the way, have her walking some of the stiffness out of her limbs; And so I can keep my eyes on her.

Word count: 699

"Speech" Thoughts

I MAKE BELIEF I'M IN CONTROL

Drestig Avalon

     AND DREAM IT WASN'T ALL MY FAULT

Jessie was almost hyperaware of Drestig’s muzzle right beside hers. Mentally, she had to steel herself to not jerk away from his closeness, her heart leaping slightly in panic at the thought of it. She truly was embarrassed. Jessie couldn’t remember a time she had allowed her body to go into starvation. Then again, she couldn’t remember a time that she had felt so lost. The only instance that came close was when her parents had died. It was the only reason she had come to the lore, really. Was to find her sister and tell her of what had happened. In the end, the Tainn had also found a family, and a love. Unfortunately, most of it had been lost.

Drestig’s quirky response to her question did little to brighten her spirits, but as they were walking, the widowed Tainn managed to deliver a half smile to him to show that his efforts did not go unnoticed. Jessie did not recall much from the day Hotei died, only his last words of love and the moment that life drifted out of his beautiful amber orbs. The vow that Drestig had made to Hotei was lost on her and she could only be grateful to think that she had someone in the pack who cared enough to help.

They moved together albeit the slow trek. Jessie had to admit, it was heartwarming to see her bitter pupil being warm towards her. It was a change but one that the Tainn could grow to accept. It took them awhile to get to the caches and though Jessie’s energy was draining rapidly, she pushed on. Her need to eat something was greater than wanting to take another nap. The sooner she got nourishment, the quicker her recovery. Luckily, the cache that Drestig had spoken of was much closer than Jessie had originally thought. When they arrived, Jessie’s rump was quick to hit the ground. Looking towards her dark friend, her voice still soft, she spoke, “Would you like to split something?” She didn’t want to sit there while he starred at her while she ate, and she also wanted someone else there so that she could acknowledge her portion control. She had seen what could happen if someone overate, and the Tainn was determined to make sure that it wouldn’t happen to her.