when i look at the stars i feel like myself

If there was one positive to coming back, it was being able to spent more time with Triell. They hadn't spent much time with each other lately, mostly due to Kinis' avoidance of the area, and Kinis had also learnt that his brother had left Relic Lore for a while. Curious as to the reason behind this, but mostly just concerned for his sibling, Kinis made a promise to have a proper conversation with him soon. It would be nice to catch up, anyway.

He hadn't entirely expected to find Triell now, in the middle of the night, but it seemed as though both young Tainns had had the same idea. Already feeling slightly claustrophobic, Kinis had sought a midnight wander at the pack's outskirts, torn between his love for family and security and his love for independence. He supposed it was a fight he'd have to settle in time. Blessedly, his late-night musings were interrupted by the sudden intake of a familiar scent, and he realised that Triell had passed by this way not long before.

Smiling, Kinis instinctively turned to follow it, happy at the thought of joining his brother in quiet company. It did alarm him to discover that his brother sat just beyond the pack's borders, his dark body visible only due to the bright moon, and Kinis wondered if there was more to Triell's motivations than he had initially guessed.

"Triell?" he called cautiously, not wanting to impose on what could be private brooding. You didn't escape the den in the dark of the night to think happy thoughts.

when i look at the stars i feel like myself

"Sorry for startling you," Kinis said, though he smiled at his brothers' reaction. Deep in thought, was he? Kinis approached Triell more easily now, glad to know that he was not unwelcome. Perhaps their company would be good for the other. Kinis always felt more at ease around Triell, but these past few days he couldn't help but notice that Triell was becoming somewhat of a shadow of his former, bouncy self. Kinis could remember the days when he had been the frail, useless thing, and Triell the boundless inspiration, but his black brother had lost the spring in his step. The deep love that Kinis had for him would not let him leave this observation untouched.

"The same as you, no doubt," he answered easily, coming to sit next to Triell just outside of the River's borders. It felt strangely exhilarating, this tiny act of silly rebellion. "Couldn't sleep, too busy brooding." He grinned, and nipped at Triell's cheek good-humouredly, but his jibe had been purposeful.

His ears yield back, his face twisting in a slight grimace as he didn't exactly like the thought someone had managed to sneek up on him. It didn't bother him to much though because it had happened to be Kinis , and he was quick to open his jaws in a loose smile. "It's alright, better you than something else," he replies, his tail giving a single flick. Once Triell really thought about it he was glad Kinis was the one to find him. He had missed not doing things with him. And maybe he could gain some insight from his brother. He after all might have related to what he felt now. Or did? Triell shuffled between his thoughts, clearly undecided on what was, or is , or could be. His pink tongue lips over the edge of his lips, and he watches Kinis come closer.

Triell wasn't really sure if Kinis meant what he said. Triell was out here because he didn't want to bite somone's nose off from his dark mood. He really couldn't picture Kinis ever snapping at someone without a real cause. His lips twindle in a smirk, just picturing the tawny brown wolf biting another. Some reason Triell pictured Borlla as the recipiant. When Kinis' spoke his next comment, that had him back to realty. Was it that obvious? Chin tucked down, and sheepish smile pulled at his ink toned lips. "Something like that," he answered, not quite meeting the amber eyes of his brother. He wasn't sure if he wanted to say more. He knew Kinis took things to heart, and he didn't think his brother needed to carry his problem around.

It might have been dark, but Kinis watched Triell carefully. His brother's reaction would determine whether he pressed the point or let it drop. Interestingly, he smiled for a moment as if amused by something, but then his very clipped, vague answer settled his fate. It wasn't wise to test Kinis' curiosity like that.

Still, he had the courtesy not to leap in, demanding answers. Not only was that rude, but likely to be met with resistance, and whatever Triell was pondering was probably of significance. Treading lightly might have been an overreaction, but Kinis didn't want to be insensitive. Besides, this gave him a good opportunity to offload some of his concerns, too, and perhaps Triell would choose to confide in him in turn.

Kinis sighed. "I needed to get away for the night," he said quietly, avoiding Triell's gaze and staring out into the distance, away from Swift River. "I thought it'd be good to be back, but... actually, that's a lie - I was kinda nervous about it. It's been so long. I don't feel like I - like I belong here anymore. I know it sounds stupid."

He waited for the question of more, but instead a patch of silence came upon them. The calmness Triell had been trying to obtain seemed closer than it had.It left as the off sound of an audible breath had his attention. Skull cocked to the side watching the tawny brown wolf beside him. He was all ears as Kinis confinded in him his own troublin' thoughts. Soft smile edged on the side of the black muzzle, and he replied, "I know what you mean." It was said almost as quietly, and he looked to the bright eyes of his brother trying to grasp something -trying to convey maybe they really were going through the same thing, just differently.

Quickly he continued by saying, "I left for a brief time, looking for the lost, and trying to help a friend figure out what happened to her pack." He drew in a long breath, and his face shifted to the black water. "When I got back it was alright because I didn't know where else to go, but everything was wrong and I didn't know how it fix it. Then Indru finally came home, and I really don't know where I fit now. I love those pups, and I'm glad they have their father, but it's different - you know? There his world now." This time he looked at Kinis, and he was no longer smiling. Once again his face shifted, and he had to look back to the river. He swallowed a dry patch in his throat. "Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if there'd been no fire? If we still had mum and dad?" The words hurt to say, and they sounded rough coming from his mouth, but this had been bugging him a long time now.

Though Kinis had been quite genuine in his confiding, it worked to get Triell to return the gesture. Instantly feeling less awkward about his confession, he listened to Triell, quickly realising that his brother's woes went deeper than his own.

So, Triell had left too. Kinis had heard rumours of the mass desertion of Corinna, but in truth had very little in the way of facts, mostly because those who had left didn't seem to speak of it. That aside, the packlands smelled as if they had been recently empty; Indru's scent might have blazened across the borders this day, but it wasn't hard to notice that they were fresh rather than lingering.

His curiosity was tickled by this other pack and Triell's friend, but out of sensitivity Kinis remained silent and let his brother speak. Once Triell was finished, Kinis wished that he had interrupted sooner.

Surprised pain flashed across his face quickly before Kinis masked it, unable to maintain Triell's gaze as he looked away. What kind of a question was that? He opened his mouth to speak, but it was too dry, and so he swallowed, wishing he could swallow the question too, trying not to delve too deep into things long buried.

"I try not to," he muttered, still incapable of looking at Triell. This confession was the worst. "I don't even remember them, Triell. That's not our life anymore... it's not been our life for a long time. What good would it do?"

It didn't matter what his reaction was. He just wanted to know how he felt about. Everyone had lost Rihael, and Lani, but it was only Kinis, Borlla, and himself who'd never gotten to know them. Niija had been the closetest thing to a mother, but even she wasn't around now. Ears swept back, listening to the words he was sure were hard to say. He nodded, his head drooping almost. "I guess your right, I just never knew what we were missing out on before," he murmurs quietly feeling a squash of guilt for bringing it up. Perhaps he needed to bury it back in the shadows, forget about it completely. There was no way time would change things that had already happened. They were gone, and at least they had their brothers.....but weren't they both insecure in that?

"I'm sorry Kinis, I guess I just don't know where I belong if it's not here, and I just think if they were here...it'd be easier. But I guess it doesn't matter." He smiles, a sad smile letting out the fourth sigh of the night. He shakes his coat, and scrunches his body closer together, like a tight hunched ball of black. He silently decides not to ever bring that subject up to anyone, or even in his own head.

He lets several moments of quiet settle in. Then he tilts his head, looking at Kinis from the side, a sheepish grin holding onto his cheek. "Good hell. We're yearlings now, you think we wouldn't care so much, or worry like this." He chuckled, just barely trying to shake the serious moment they'd been having. He didn't like it, someone might die from being too serious, and all the sad talk.

It was curious how they could feel so similar yet have such different notions about the right solution. Not once had the idea of his parents crossed Kinis' mind; he felt guilty for that, retrospectively, especially when faced with Triell's apparent conviction that all would have been well if Lani and Rihael had still been around. Why had he not come to the same conclusion? Not that it would have done any good, the past was the past, but it felt like an insult to their memory. Or did he not consider it because he knew it to be pointless wishful thinking?

The better question was, if he could change the past, would he want to? How different would their lives actually be - and would they necessarily be better? If anything, Kinis was quite sure that he would be an entirely different wolf if he had grown up with his actual parents rather than sibling stand-ins, especially when everyone seemed to have gone their separate ways afterwards. So few were left. Would the Tainns still be together if the fire had never started?

Triell's mood was catching, and Kinis felt himself slip further and further into the possibilities of this alternate reality until his brother, mercifully, managed to summon the strength to put a twist on the conversation. The tone was such a change that it took Kinis a moment longer than it should to laugh out loud, but the spell was broken. Smiling wearily, but with genuine amusement, he glanced at Triell. "We're just old before our time," he said sagely, poking some very-needed fun at them both. "Nobody understands our sorrows. He laughed again, shaking his head, resolving not to worry himself with what could have been.