He hadn’t told her what was bothering him, he was still sure that it was a very bad idea considering all that could go wrong. What would she even think of him if he told her? What would she do? Could he have been wrong this whole time and she actually had feelings for him too? What would that do to Tagg? To their friendship? He did value the tawny man as a friend and he couldn’t take Moonshadow from him after he had just helped him to get her. It would be wrong and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Especially after the man had stood with him by the lake only moments ago trying to help him just as Moonshadow was trying to do now. The lick to his chin was comfort to him along with the words that she spoke about not losing her or leaving him. It was easy for her to say that when she didn’t know what it was he was keeping from her.

The longer that she talked it was becoming clear that he would have to tell her something. He wanted to tell her the truth so badly but t wasn’t just the two of them that would be affected by it there were so many other factors and he couldn’t risk that. What made it worse was she used his own words against him when they had been speaking about her family and what had happened to them. These words only made only made it worse for him but he settled on a truth that may not be the whole reason but it had been on his mind when he had seen Tagg with Moonshadow the previous day. “You know how much I cared for Des and how close we were and seeing you with Tagg yesterday made me miss her even more and brought back the memories when we would spend time together here in this spot. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t show affection to Tagg when I am around it wouldn’t be fair to the two of you. You’re lucky to have him Moonshadow and I don’t want to be the one to get in the way of that because I can’t come to terms with my past. All I want is for you to be happy and I think that Tagg can do that for you, you shouldn’t miss out on something that doesn’t come along very often because you're worried about how it might make me feel.”

He knew that what he told her wasn't what she was after and most certainly not what she wanted to hear. Still he had to tell her something without lying to her so what he told her about how seeing her with Tagg wasn't a lie. The longer this went on though the harder it became to keep giving her answers to help his case that weren't lies because he didn't want to lose to her. He couldn't hurt her like that even if it was for her own good. Still he worried that even though he didn't want to it might come to that, he didn't think he could forgive himself of it came to that.

He had to focus on her now and what her reaction would be.He shook his head at her, “No don't be sorry,” he told her as he stood once more and met her gaze holding it, “You have every right to be happy. Do you think I don't know what it's like to have someone as special as Tagg is for you. What kind of a friend would I be I cared about my feelings more than yours? It's not your fault I am reliving the past everyday and you should put your happiness first,” he said sternly, “If you want to show the man you love affection you should be able to do that and not feel bad for it,” he added keeping his tone stern. “Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.” It seemed however that what he told her hadn't been enough and she wasn't quite convinced. “I've decided to stay out of the den because I don't want to wake everyone else up with the nightmares I've been having lately. It wouldn't be fair to the rest of you to be woken after working so hard all day,” he said explaining his reason for sleeping by the lake. She also had good reason to question why he was closed off with her, “I didn't want to say anything Moonshadow because I don't want you and Tagg to feel bad or worry how I might feel or what memories seeing you two together might bring up. You should be able to enjoy Tagg's company and show each other affection and I feared by telling you I would be hurting you and Tagg.”

He hoped that he had been able to make it clear to her that he did not want her to change the way she interacted with Tagg to spare his feelings. It was clear to him as she spoke that this bothered her that he was telling her to not consider his feelings. “You’re right you wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't do the same but this is what I am asking of you. I'm not going to let our friendship cost you your happiness what kind of friend would I be if I got between you and the man you love because I can't get over a woman who left me nearly two years ago?” His tone had risen some and lost some of the control it had previously held. She was being stubborn about this but she needed to listen to him she had what he never did and he wasn't going to let her lose it because of him. He calmed himself before speaking once more, “Moonshadow I appreciate how much you care and want to take my feelings into consideration I really do but my feelings in this don’t matter. What does, what I care about is that you are happy and he makes you happy.” she went on to say that it was too late for him to not want her to worry about him, he sighed, “I'm so honored to be your friend and to have someone like you worry about me and if being stuck with you as my friend is the worse possibly thing that could happen to me I would gladly take it but Moonshadow you can't throw something so great as what you have with Tagg away.”

He waited to see what she thought of what he had told her regarding his behavior. He hated doing this but he had to think of her, Tagg, and the pack. He could not take his own feelings into consideration or else he would have told her because she did need to know. He wouldn't have let it drag out this long and instead taken whatever happened next. He did though because he couldn't stand hurting two of his friends or the pack with that decision. He had already accepted that he could lose her friendship because he was keeping his feelings for her but he truly believed it was what was best for everyone. He let his head drop to his chest once more as she told him exactly where he had messed up once more. “I know I shouldn't have kept this from you. I broke a promise to you and I feel horrible about it but I feared telling you would hurt you too much and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I see now that what I was trying to avoid is exactly what I've done and I'm sorry.”

He wanted her to see and understand that she had someone now and she had to nurture that relationship. If she was worried about his feelings and how her actions would make him feel she wouldn't be able to make the relationship work. Her question didn't surprise him, in fact it wouldn't have surprised him if he wasn't making any sense at all by this point. He met her gaze once more, “Because if you care about how your actions with Tagg might affect me you will hurt him and I can't let you do that. I won't be the reason things don't work out for you, I can't…” he trailed off unable to finish his sentence. He couldn't have her resent him when the relationship didn't work out and he cared too much about her to lose her friendship. It didn't matter what he felt for her because it was Tagg who had beat him to confessing to her and it was her who wanted to be with Tagg. Kajika felt it had been made more than clear where he stood and that was where he would stay but he would be damned if her life was ruined because of him.

The beta rose his head to look at her as she spoke about always being there even if he didn't want her to be. This was what she thought? That he didn't want her to be there for him? He shook his head, “I will always want you to be there for me Moonshadow as I will always be there for you. We will be friends for as long as you will have me but you have Tagg now and I think that you need to concentrate on that,” he told her quietly before using his nose to lift her chin a little as if to say 'chin up’. “You mustn't worry too much about me right now Moonshadow, I will figure this out and it will all be okay,” he added trying a reassuring smile. The truth was he really didn't know if he would figure it out or if things would be okay but he felt it was what she needed to hear.

He could tell be the look on her face that he had not liked hearing what he said but he hoped he understood what he was telling her. He hated that his words made her feel the way she did but he had to tell her the truth in this. He had already lied by omission to her and he couldn't stand telling her more lies. Now that she had a relationship with the tawny man this was what she had to accept. Kajika had accepted this was how it had to be the moment he had found out about them, it was her turn now. Did he like it, no, it was something that didn't sit well with him at all but he had to let her go. He had to let her find her way after he had helped her to get there, she had to walk on her own feet. It saddened him more than she would ever know to have to say what he was saying. It couldn't be denied though because too many could get hurt and making sure that didn't happen was more important than anything he was feeling. He hoped lifting her chin and reassuring her that everything would be fine might help he to smile but that hope was dashed when her whine reached his ears. Then she spoke about him needing her and not wanting to abandon him. He sighed as his chest tightened the pain he felt at having to do this almost too much. He didn't want to tell her what he knew he must, slowly he went to her and used his muzzle to pull her against him. “I do need you Moonshadow, I always will but Tagg needs you more right now. You're not abandoning me, I will never tell you not to come to me if you need to talk or wanting me to teach you something, anything you need I will always be here, always. I wish you could be there to help me through this, you have no idea how much I want that.” He paused a moment to gather himself to say what he needed to say next. With a deep breath he went on, “Please don't let me be the thing that comes between you. I couldn't live with that and I couldn't live with the resentment that you would surely have if that happened,” he was almost pleading for her to understand, “I care too much about you to push you away completely.”