Lost Lake you and I and the blood and the bone

The events that had taken place during his time in the cove had taken their toll on him. The recent months as he fell deeper and deeper into the darkness had left a residue that he couldn't rid himself of. It was only while he was away from the cove and able to breath that it hadn't been so...noticable. Now he was back and Des was gone and her murderer still roamed the lore free thinking he wouldn't have to pay for his crimes.

It was the same with Moonshadow's attacker while she was left to think everyday of the pups she lost. Kajika wondered if she could really enjoy the son she did have because she'd lost two children? He certainly hoped she could, he didn't want her to be unable to find happiness because of what had happened. She had a family now and for a moment he felt envious of that as wrong as he thought it was for him to feel that way.

He'd lost his chance and he didn't believe he would have the chance again, not as long as he stayed in the cove. As long as the Vuesain's ruled over the cove he would remain as he was for he wouldn't challenge his alpha. It was all of these things that left him with a discontented feeling where the cove was concerned. He supposed the question was could he leave? With Moonshadow who he knew would be devastated if he left. Then there was Chan who he'd promised to look after if the time ever came, who he'd promised he would always be there. Then there was Lunette, did she want to leave? Would she leave because she was truly unhappy?

Kajika felt badly that he had not told Lunette about Des sooner as she had a right to know especially with the way his feelings for her had grown. He apologized because she deserved it, she mattered to him and he had failed to tell her of one of the most important events of his life. “You're home,” he stated, “I don't have to worry anymore.” He would miss Des, their friendship what they could have had but a big part of him felt they had both moved on by the time she'd come back. He had still loved her and he grieved for her everyday but he felt that things wouldn't have ever been the same between them.

In her absence he'd made his life in the cove and he'd found Moonshadow and Lunette and they had become important. He knew he couldn't shut himself down because they needed him just as much as he needed them.

The question surfaced in his mind as they spoke of their unhappiness within the cove. It was there but left unspoken and would remain that way for the time being.

He knew that he couldn't leave, not with so many things keeping him in the cove and he knew then his decision was made. As he brushed his muzzle along her shoulder he would support her in whatever decision she made. To do that he felt he needed to understand what it was she had found outside the cove that she couldn't find in the cove.

She only spoke one word but in that one word held volumes that she did not need to say. He understood that she wasn't happy in the cove and in the back of his mind he knew she had never been. This saddened him, he wanted her to be happy and now that she knew what it was to feel that he knew he couldn't keep her from it. “You deserve to be happy,” he whispered back after a moment not wanting to speak any louder for fear it might cause her to not say more. She did say more speaking of how she had found a different way to be, “What way is that?” He asked keeping his voice low. Was she a different girl tham the one he knew? Had she found her own way to rid herself of the monster that he knew had lived inside her.

He had looked down to his paws by this time not wanting to put a voice to the words that we're in his mind. Was he part of those she spoke of? Did he part of the reason that she was still so unhappy in the cove? “Your parents?” He finally did ask in reference to who she was speaking of in her last statement. He hadn't looked at her as she spoke unsure of what he would find there or if he wanted to face it then.

It was bubbling up again—pools of sizzling, boiling lava, popping and hissing and spraying hot drops everywhere. Her heart jump-started, began to roar in her ears, so fleet she barely heard the distinct double-beat sound anymore. It pounded on inside her, nausea rising along with the rage.

She couldn't stand herself. She wanted to vomit herself up on her paws, retch until she was empty, until there was nothing left, just a body with no mind.

She wanted to be strong enough to sink her teeth into the very rock she sat on, break a piece of it loose, and shake it until it was just gravel in her mouth and around her. She wanted to breathe destructive fire, burn the world down to the ground, and be alone in her wasteland, where nothing could touch her. Where nothing could ever crowd in close to her heart, occupy her mind, or in any way influence her.

She wanted a life free from herself, free from her rapid pulse, the screeching sound in her head demanding she be what they expect, a pretty little princess, an unspoken expectation for her to be a girl, and.. be a child and let herself grow up protected and cherished, when all she wanted to do was lash out and go hide under a rock.

Honestly, it wasn't their fault. They had done their best by her, but perhaps, they had not fully understood how her mind seized on to everything—every input, every small mistake, and how it had twisted her to desperately try and avoid them again. Her life had been a fight to avoid doing the wrong thing before it had the chance to happen—and to do the right thing, without knowing what it was. She had become the shadow of their praise, and it didn't take the shape of a wolf, but rather, something monstrous and desperate.

She stared at her paws, her heart and her eyes burning.

Home. If home meant where you lived, then yes, certainly. If home meant where your loved ones lived, then yes, certainly. But then why didn't it feel like home? What about the mountain and the lake and the congregation of wolves made her want to scream and run away?

She let him react in silence, suddenly afraid again—always flipping between highs and lows, switching between anger and fear in the same heartbeat. She was afraid of his judgment. Of hurting him. Of the fact that he might think her an entitled, spoiled child, that everyone suffered and no one was ever happy (—but then why didn't anyone tell me that?). Did the world have a secret everyone but her knew, and no one talked about, because it was a secret?

".. everyone here but you," she finally said, still looking at her paws. There had just been something about Kajika that had enraptured her enough to overcome some of her insecurities, and actually spend time with him, which she had found.. she didn't have a word for it, but yes, at first, after her moment of courage, she had sought him out because she thought it was expected of her. She had sought him out because she thought he wanted her to, but after a while, it had become something she wanted. Everything she wanted was dangerous, but it had seemed to align with what he wanted, too, and that made it okay.

"They love me, don't they? And I love them—I do, I swear I do," and that note of frustration and anger snaked around her voice again, "but I don't know what they want of me and whatever I think it is isn't it and—" She shut up, abruptly. She didn't really know what she had been about to say, but it seemed the wrong track to take. She didn't know if she was truly angry, or sad, or frustrated, or just a mess, but it was a pressure building up inside her head until she wanted to scream.

Since that first day he'd met Lunette and discovered she had a lot more on her shoulders than others her age her worried about her. While she was missing from the cove he had worried about her. Even now he worried about her but more that she would leave the cove as her sister’s and brothers had done. He was selfish in not wanting her to go but he also worried what it would do to Vespertio and Namid if she left and didn't return this time. They had already lost so much that he worried her leaving would be the last straw and it would break them. He had also suffered a time without her in his life and he didn't want to do it again.

This left him with the choice to go with her or stay behind, he didn't want to make that choice. He knew he couldn't go with her, maybe months ago he could have. They could have went and explored places beyond the lore and not have to worry about what would happen if her father found out. They could find a place where she could he happy and feel comfortable, a place that didn't give her the desire to leave. They also wouldn't have to endure the judgement in everyone's eyes when they did finally find out about him and her.

If she did choose to go he would not stop her as that would be keeping her from being happy. He wanted her to he happy, she deserved to be happy. No one should have to live with the burdens that she did of which he didn't know a lot about except that they were there. A few times he had wondered if she had left the cove on her own to see the world or had she really gotten lost. Maybe it was even a bit of both, she'd gone out to explore the world around the cove and had gotten lost from inexperience. Whatever the case she had returned to the and he couldn't be happier.

Even still he could not fault her for wanting to leave the cove for it was now full of terrible memories. This of loss and pain but it was their home with good memories as well he just hoped the good outweighed the bad. For him it was hard to decipher which he had more of these days. Maybe that would change for him in the future and maybe it wouldn't there was no way for him to know what the future would bring to the cove. Many times he'd wanted to give up hope that it would ever get any better but he had not because then what would he the point of continuing? If things were just going to continue to go badly quitting would be better than suffering whatever could happen. What he did know was that all the things that had happened was suppose to make them stronger but he often wondered if it didn't break them down instead.

If she did decide to go elsewhere to seek her happiness all he could do was enjoy every moment he could with her until he would not longer be able to. The question in the back of his mind was would he be able to move on after? It had taken a long time for Kajika to move on from Des and even after her return she'd still held out hope until he realized there wasn't anything left to hope for. That didn't change the anger he held for the one that had murdered her. That burned within him constantly leaving time where he worried that Moonshadow might have been right.

When she had first returned he had feared she'd changed and that it would cause them to grow apart. He was sure that she had changed through the things that she said and the way she acted. He just hadn't figured out how much she had changed but he did know it had brought a change between them. He could feel it but he didn't want to put a name to it just yet and instead let things take their course. It had been what he'd always done with her and things had always worked out between them. Why should this time he any different? He might have realized that he felt differently about her than before but he was happy with the way things were between them for now.

He'd been confused by who’d she'd meant when she spoke of those whose gazes broke her back and questioned if it was her parents. He believed she thought they would be her worst critics but she clarified that it was everyone. The worry that he was part of it was unfounded as she clarified that he was the exception. “I'm glad that you have someone that doesn't make you feel that way even if it weren't me but I'm glad that it is.” the beta wouldn't hide that he was pleased to know the he did not make her feel worse about herself.

He kissed her cheek as she asked about who lived her which he took to mean the pack. “Yes, Lunette they live you all of the documents and I know you love them too. You don't have to convince me,” he told her gently as he rubbed his muzzle against her cheek to comfort her. He knew that she loved them just as much and they loved her but he knew Lunette well enough to know she might not seen it as he did. “What do you think they want from you Lunette?”

It was easy to be angry. It was easy to bare her teeth and snarl and bite and break, but she knew now that it fixed nothing. Coming down from it left her bleak and terrified, and the damage so much worse than if she'd just done nothing. She had to either go down with her fire, a final, pointless stand, or rein it in, because the consequence of it was not something she wanted to live with ever again.

So she calmed the dragon the best she could, tried to keep a hold on the words trying to tumble from her mouth. They were sharp and jagged things, made for hurting, not for fixing, and swallowing them back in hurt a little, but she hoped it was worth it. Her eyes pressed shut, but the blackness wasn't comforting, nor still. It was roving and moving. It was full of everything, of every fear and every doubt, every slight and every mistake, every misstep, and his overwhelming presence. The sound of his voice. The gentle, selfless words. Her paladin. "I am glad for that too," she whispered meekly. And it was true. She'd come to a point where she couldn't imagine herself without him, and it terrified her.

But then he kissed her cheek, and she sort of froze, but sort of didn't, either. She didn't tense up—that was too obvious to do—but everything inside of her went still and fragile, her thoughts scattered and pristine and clear but without context, without substance. She just froze within, because while there had been snuffles and muzzle bumps before, something.. about that one.. had felt different. Stop it, she berated herself, trying to backplay the conversation and pick up the thread again. He just lost Des. Stop it. So she stopped it and she took a deep breath, as if mulling over what he'd said.

And he asked the one damn question she'd been asking herself for nearly all of her life, and it nearly sparked the anger right back up again.

"I don't know," she said, matter-of-fact because any other way of delivering it would've been a scream, and Lunette did not scream. Lunette did not draw attention to herself. Lunette did not misbehave. Her ears flicked back, and she tilted her head against his, trying to seek his eyes with hers, if only just for a moment. "I don't know. And that's what's killing me. I ..try. And I try. And I always get the feeling I'm doing something wrong. And if they truly wanted me to just, I don't know, grow up and be myself and be happy—" her voice had begun to rise dangerously, and she fought to bring it back under control "—then why do I keep feeling like there's a set of expectations I'm supposed to meet but never do?"

She still wanted to scream. She did, to her own surprise, also want to cry. In the end, she did neither, just stared at her paws and said "I can never be Ismena".

Sometimes it felt like it had been so long since he had been her age which was only another reminder of the difference between them. Still he didn't care he felt strongly for her and now he wanted to help her. Even if it had been a while since he had been her age he'd never forgotten how he'd felt at that age. The uncertainty of what the right thing to do was and the worry that he wasn't living up to what his parents had hoped for him. More than that was the awkwardness that her felt among his packmates as he interacted with them wondering everyday what they thought about him. It had taken a long time to grow into the man that he was and be comfortable in his own skin.

Kajika was wondering if this was Lunette growing up and becoming her own woman with the uncertainty that she had. The other part wondered if it was the monster she had once spoke of telling her she wasn't good enough. He couldn't be sure but he was sure that he wanted to help her to become the woman she wanted to be. Which was why he was glad she had someone that she didn't feel had a lot of expectations for her that she couldn't fulfil because she didn't know what they were. A smile crossed his inky maw as she expressed she was glad she had someone too. And Kajika couldn't help but be happy that it was him that was that person for her. Just as she had become something that he needed in his life it seemed he had become the same for her. He did not want to feel what he had when she was missing again if he could help it, he would keep her close.

He watched her after placing the kiss on her cheek wondering what she was thinking and fearing it might have been the wrong thing to do. He'd meant it as a comfort to her but perhaps it meant something more to both of them and he had not realized it. Perhaps it showed just how much their relationship had changed since she'd returned. He did not want to put her on the spot to ask her where they were when that was so clearly not what she needed. She needed him to help her sort through what was bothering her so much so he listened as she went on to explain what she was feeling.

The question he'd asked however to help her figure out what the expectations were didn't have an answer because she didn't know either. She went on to explain that not knowing was killing her. He wanted to tell her that she should just be herself and not worry about what the others thought, that she should do what made her happy but as she finished speaking he wasn't sure that was the thing to say. Then she said it the thing that struck him as to why she felt as she did. “No your not and you don't have to fill the place that she left. Do you think that is what you have to do, that they think you need to take her place because she left?” He asked his brow furrowed. He worried that she felt she had to be just like her sister to make everyone happy. Kajika reached out and touched her shoulder, “Ismena is not the one I care so much about.”