He felt her lean into him as he pressed his head into her scruff, he was extremely glad that he had her in his life. With all he was going through in his head he wasn't sure what he would do if he didn't have her to talk to. Even though he was going through his own loss and what came with that he wanted to be there for her too through her’s. Still he knew from his own experiences that there were times when trying to figure out things on their own was necessary. Now though he wondered if he had spent too much time trying to deal with Des’s loss on his own. Something struck inside of him as she admitted she didn't know she had an issue. “I think it's hard to know when you go on so long normally and everything feels okay for the most part. You have this feeling but you've pushed it so far down it's hard to describe and then you don't realize it's an issue until something happens to bring it out of that place it's been for so long.”It was funny in a away how similar they were especially in their coping methods when it came to the ones they had lost. Kajika was comforted by the fact that she could really understand what he was going through because it wasn't about who they lost but the fact that they had lost them and how they had dealt with it. The losses were still significant to each of them even if she had lost her family and he had lost the woman that he loved. He hoped that by talking about this with him she was getting help too, that maybe as they discussed how they had coped it would help them both to move on even if it was just a little. He had become almost desperate for the hope of some kind of end to what he'd been going through. She however couldn't give him an answer, he nodded, “I know you're right,” he admitted and as she spoke about not being over hers he wondered, “Maybe we never truly get over it, maybe it's something that gets easier with time once we have mourned their loss?” He was merely thinking out loud but it was something he felt she should hear too. He didn't know if it would help her but he didn't want her to miss that though either.

Without thinking he bombarded her with questions hoping for some sort of answer that might make him feel better about what was happening. He closed his eyes and she pressed her head into his neck, it gave him a moment where his mind wasn't working so hard. She spoke telling him what he felt was normal and that it would stop but she didn't know when it would stop but it was clear he needed to find a way to cope. He knew she couldn't answer that for him either because it was something he had to deal with on his own. “At least maybe I can stop feeling like I'm going crazy all of the time to know that it's normal and will stop.” He laid his head on the top of hers as she held her head against him, “I suppose I just have to be patient,” he added though he was a patient man he was tired of feeling like he did.

Explaining it out loud helped him to realize that the reason all of this was happening to him was because he hadn't ever really taken the time he needed. It was his mind telling him that after all of this time he needed to deal with whatever emotions he had regarding Des. He smiled at her words glad she understood what he'd been trying to say, “It is funny how it works but I suppose to move on with our lives we have to deal with things.” Kajika wasn't happy with the idea that he had brought this on himself but it left another question in his mind that he knew she wouldn't be able to answer. Why was this happening now?

After Des had gone he had felt the pain of her loss periodically but never like he did now and not as often as he did now. Her words did give him some comfort that once he was able to cope with Des’s loss it would get easier. He knew he would never forget her but in time Thinking about her might not be so painful. “That gives me hope that one day I will be better and thinking about her or hearing her name won't be so painful.” While he had told Moonshadow about Des because she needed to know he was glad that they had done more than him telling her the story. Talking with her about what was going on with him made him feel a little better but he feared it would get worse before it got better. She however seemed confident that what he was feeling would eventually go away. Her faith in that gave him hope that he wouldn't feel like he do forever. He nodded to acknowledge her words, “Thank you Moonshadow, I'm glad we talked, it helped me sort through some things and while I feel I have a long road ahead of me it doesn't seem so hopeless anymore.” As his head rested on hers the sound of her him was also a comfort, knowing she was there for him when he needed her.

Fade