When @Aponi had first posed the question to him so many months ago, the possibility that there could be any negative repercussions to her ambition wasn't even on Serach's radar. Today had proved just how tremendously stupid that was, and now he was faced with trying to pick up the pieces of a life he barely recognized. Their intentions had been good when they had decided to call for Spieden, but somehow the facade of stability and happiness that had reigned over the Bend for the better part of the past six months had come crashing down more rapidly than he would have thought possible. The pale leader had not even realized he had been living in a castle made of glass until it was already too late, and now he stood amongst the shattered pieces weathering the onslaught of a thousand cuts.

He remembered telling Aponi to find Lila, but he could not remember how he got here. He remembered watching @Spieden running and her frantic calls for her children, and the murky shadows of his pack mates taking off after her. There was nothing chasing her but her own demons, but somehow those had surfaced in her imagination in the forms of himself and Aponi, and that was hard to watch. Harder still was the demons that apparently haunted the others who had decided to follow her. He could somewhat understand why Spieden's pride would drive her to leave (nobody liked to lose, after all), but he could not understand the others who had decided that trekking through Relic Lore in the middle of winter was a better alternative than his and Aponi's leadership. That was a hard pill to swallow. Overwhelmed with confusion and anger, he had left the aftermath behind him to seek refuge in the only place he knew he might find some solace - at the tree where they had laid his mother to rest. If anybody else was going to leave, he did not have the emotional fortitude to watch it right then.

The snow was deep, just as it had been on that fateful day. "What in the world have I done?" he said to no one, staring up at the pine branches. But there was nothing but silence and the quiet whisperings of the wind to answer him. Solace was not forthcoming, and he began to pace back and forth in agitation while he racked his brain trying to figure out how he was going to move forward to save not only his pack, but himself.

The answer Serach heard was not the one he was expecting, although truth be told he wasn't expecting an answer at all. The fur along his back bristled as he turned to face Sahalie. He hadn't expected to see her - she had been one of the dark shadows he had watched chase after Spieden when she had fled - but he was relieved all the same to see a familiar face. But this was not going to be an easy conversation; she was certainly not there to offer him comfort. Her question was accusatory, even her tone wasn't. He had known, and that was the whole problem wasn't it? Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to relax although there was no denying the defensive tone in his voice. "I knew Aponi wanted to challenge Spieden, yes." He could not have predicted the outcome in a million years, but he had certainly known that.

"Aponi called Spieden today to talk about becoming leader. I thought Spieden would be glad for it. You're right...she was a good leader - nobody ever said otherwise - but I didn't think she wanted it and Aponi does. She only became leader because Nayeli was gone and Jessie never challenged her, but do you think if Drestig and Jessie had stayed Jessie would not have challenged Spieden for her rank if it meant she could lead alongside Drestig as his mate?" It was all hypothetical, of course, but in his gut Serach knew that would have been the most likely outcome. "Aponi and I...we're the same, I guess. We want to lead together and make the Bend strong and stable for a family I hope we get to have one day. Except we didn't want to move the pack, and we didn't want anybody to leave. We wanted Spieden to be an advisor, just like your father is. I don't want her to leave...I don't want anyone to leave. I don't know why she feels like she needs to either." The last was a question, although he was uncertain if even Sahalie knew the answer to that. If anyone would though, it would be her.

Serach had not meant to make Sahalie recoil, either out of fear or submission. He wanted to shout at her that he wasn't angry at her, but even as he thought it he knew that wasn't entirely true. He was angry at her, angry at her and everyone else who had only seen the result of what had happened. They did not know what had taken place prior to the call. They had not been there a few months ago when Serach had assured Aponi it had been okay, or even earlier that day when they had walked the borders and Aponi had proposed calling for Spieden then and there. Staring into those pale gold eyes, he longed for her to see reason. But it was a lost cause, and anger subsided to resignation. There would be no winning here. Not for any of them.

"If there's something wrong with her mind, then she should have already stepped down - as soon as she noticed," it slipped out before he could stop it. "As for assuming, maybe you're right. But you can tell when somebody is active and engaged with what they do, and you can tell when they're simply filling a void. I've walked countless of miles around this place to protect it and let outsiders know that it is ours. I ran myself ragged going back and forth between Spieden's, Naira's, and Aponi's dens this summer to make sure they had a guardian to watch over them while they slept. Nobody has questioned me because I have done everything I can to prove to everyone that I have earned these responsibilities and that I will actively fulfill them," he returned to her, a subdued challenge to her that his initial assumption had been right. "Spieden is there and has fulfilled her duties as expected, but I have not seen her enjoy it. Perhaps, though, that's just another sign that she does not trust me." Did Sahalie know about that? Probably not, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to tell her. They were already torn apart; there was no reason to salt those wounds any further.

It was her last statement though, that really struck a nerve with him. He wanted to yell at her and admonish her for her naivety. But when his response came, it was quiet but pointed. "How will you do it, then? When you decide that you're ready to step up and lead. How would you approach Spieden and tell her it's time to step down? How will you avoid being so bold?" It was no secret to any of them that Sahalie was a natural born leader, but if she was so determined that Aponi had done it the wrong way and had the nerve to chastise him for it, he would not stand down without hearing what the right way was.

A part of him had desperately hoped that Sahalie did in fact have an answer to his question about how one was to properly challenge for another wolf's rank and position, because maybe it meant there was still hope for recovery. But her answer was a nonanswer, even if she did start by throwing Aponi's words back at him. Had Aponi handled it in the best way possible? Probably not. She could have said "hello" first, but even if she had, he had no doubt that Sahalie would been yelling at him about false pretenses and luring Spieden into a false sense of security. There was no winning with Sahalie on this point. Spieden was basically her mother and anything bad that happened to her was an inherently bad thing.

The rage in the small girl was building though. Her voice was meaner and more pointed. He watched her step back with impassive eyes, his nose twitching as the urge to chase stirred within him. Spieden had done the same when she had lost, run liked she was being chased. He was already a monster, why not become one? But no matter how angry or hurt he was, he would not give Sahalie legitimate reason to fear him. He would not justify Spieden's delusions by making them a reality.

"I hope you'll come back to visit me and tell me how your challenge goes when it eventually happens. If there is a right way to do it, I haven't heard of it yet," he responded, shifting his weight to his back legs to loose some of the built up tension. "Who should it have been then? Just Spieden and Aponi? Do you really think it would have resulted in anything else besides what it was?" He doubted it very much, but no doubt in Sahalie's idealistic world it would have made all the difference and Aponi and Spieden would have become fast friends who ran off into the sunset with each other, no feelings hurt.

"You're right. I didn't do it for Spieden's happiness. I supported Aponi because I trust her to not lie to me, and trust her to make me and the rest of the pack happy." He took a deep breath and shook his shoulders before tossing his head in agitation. Looking up at the tree, he found no help there and so he looked back at her. "Did you know that Lena met Spieden in the woods near here? Asked her if she knew of me or any other Donatas that lived here. Spieden said no, said she had never heard that name before. So tell me, why should I be concerned for Spieden's happiness when she was content to throw away any possibility of a relationship with my niece or knowing that my brother was alive? When it came down to it, Spieden didn't care about my happiness either." It was never going to work out, no matter how much respect there had once been between the unlikely pair. "Despite all that, I still don't want her to leave. If she does, she is doing so on her own violation. But we cannot lead together, not if the Bend is going to survive." And there was a very real chance it wouldn't. It was an unintended consequences, but one that fell squarely on his shoulders.

He could see the shock on her face, and for the first time since she had sought him out she was at a loss for words. But there was no pleasure in that, because the truth was Serach had not wanted to tell her. He hadn't wanted to tell anybody. Even Aponi didn't know because he did not want the world to realize just how deep the cracks were between himself and Spieden, and frankly, because he did not understand what had taken ahold of the Coho woman and caused her to do that. It was so out of character for her that he had disbelieved Lena at first when she had told him, but the younger woman certainly had nothing to gain from lying to him. Spieden must have thought she had something, although he didn't know what.

He had known it was futile to try and convince her. He had resigned himself to that fact, but it still hurt to hear the words. It stung to know that nobody else was willing to try and talk Spieden out of her irrational fears, that enabling her was somehow the better option. His heart hurt for Mako and Marina, two innocents who would be pulled along out of the only home they had ever known to follow their mother into whatever insanity she thought was safe. Slowly he began to shake his head. Half turned, he froze when she let the other shoe drop.

And I should let you know that I think my dad is leaving too. His mouth opened, cold air rushing his lungs. His pale yellow eyes grew wide in shock as his brain tried to process that bit of news. He could understand Sahalie going, as much as he disagreed with her, but he could not begin to understand why Triell would. Shoulders heaving, he let his head drop down so he was looking down at his paws. Wordlessly, he turned and padded closer to the tree. Leaning against it, his collapses to his haunches with his back to Sahalie. What had he done? You've destroyed everything, his own voice mocked back at him. There was no solace for this kind of pain. He would carry it until the day he died...and with a highly diminished pack facing the brunt of winter on their own, that day might come sooner than expected.

Resisting the urge to collapse to his stomach and cry into the snow, he pulled himself together long enough to shout at Sahalie over his shoulder, unsure if she would still be there to hear him. "It doesn't have to be, Sahalie. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When Mako and Marina or Reiko and Treyah grow lean and thin because they don't have enough food to eat or a warm place to sleep, remember that you made a choice to go. All of you." Turning back to face nothingness, he laid down, head buried into his paws willing himself the power to change everything or at the very least going back to tell himself to not build his hopes up too much for a bright future. He should have known better.