In. Out. In. Out. A soft shiver ran down her spine as her paws crunched lightly against the snow. The thought ran through her head as she moved towards the familiar scent of the queen, who’d returned home to her lands, her nose twitching as she calmed herself down. It was going to be fine, like Lachesis said; Kisla had trusted her with this, right? Naturally Lilya assumed she’d want her crown back and she just wanted to make sure they were on the same page. Her shoulders rolled back, a soft smile on her features though concern was evidently present within it. Perhaps she should turn back, and give her space until she was ready to talk to her?

No, because what if she was waiting for her to seek her out? Lilya really wasn’t good at this, but it was going to be alright. The agouti saw the familiar pelt come into view when she let out a soft bark in greeting, her tail naturally lowering itself. “Kisla, can we talk?” Her voice might have wavered a little bit though she did keep it somewhat level. At least she’d actually managed to sleep before approaching her, the herbs that Lachesis provided her with helping a great deal with her nightmares.

Lilya thought, perhaps almost ironically, that this was backwards. Wasn’t it normally the other way around – perhaps she should just turn around and let the matriarch return at her own pace..? Lilya.” The greeting signified that it was too late for the agouti to change her mind about it all, the question so simple and yet so hard to answer at the same time falling from the queen’s lips as Lilya carried a soft frown to her features. She’d tried to keep her smile up, really she did. “Ah think per’aps Ah’ve been a bit better…” She wasn’t going to lie, it wasn’t in her nature, especially not to family, and that was very much what she felt Hearthwood River was to her – family.

Lilya knew the pain that came with losing a loved one – at least, to some extent… a sister was far different from a mate, but she felt a pang of sympathy when she’d first learned of the woman’s loss. The bonds that keep wolves together sometimes shattered, and the cataclysm that followed was hard to return from… or maybe, she was just being ominous and pessimistic with her thoughts once more. She tended to do that a lot. “How’re you holdin’ up?” Last spring, from her understanding, had been rough on the entire pack. Maksim and Naia both, and while Lilya had never had the opportunity to meet either of them, her heart did reach out to those who did.

She’d liked to think she’d done the woman before her proud with what she’d done to step up in her absence, but at the same time, Lilya had this gnawing feeling in her gut that she hadn’t actually done anything since taking up the position apart from freaking out to Lachesis, twice, and creeping around the Monadnock out of curiosity, in which she had gotten caught and had to stammer her way out of an awkward social situation… yet, some of them still managed to have some confidence in her – she was certainly not all of them did, Aleksei for example had scolded her when they first met over her absent-minded behavior.

There wasn’t much she could do about it. A sad smile had hinted at her features when Kisla’s nose brushed against her cheek. As well as can be expected wasn’t a particularly inspiring answer, but it was an answer, and she knew it’d take time. The queen insisted on hearing about her, the sparrow’s eyes closing for a few moments before opening again, her gaze cast to the ground as one of her paws picked at the frozen dirt. “Ah’m not very good at this ‘leader’ thing…” How was she supposed to fill this position when she could hardly coax herself into a few hours of sleep without Lachesis giving her drugs first?

“M’too indecisive n’skittish.” Lilya was second guessing if she should even ask Kisla if she wanted to resume her role, given the queen's answer to Lilya's earlier question about how she was holding up. She didn't want to be a bother, or push her into something she wasn't ready for if she still needed more time.

She doubted it? Why did everyone doubt it? Well, not everyone… just Lachesis and Kisla, but really, they were the only two voices that mattered in this particular case because they were the only two who could do anything about the situation. She gave a shy smile as she shook her head. “Not e’eryone… jus’ ask Aleksei.” Then, relief flooded through the girl, some of her nerves starting to fade away. She was going to retake her throne, and Lilya could go back to being just Lilya again. At the same time, she felt almost guilty bringing the topic up to her, and wondered if she should have held onto it a little longer to give the matriarch more time.

She let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, stammering just a little as she responded. “Ah… if yer sure yer up fer it… Ah mean ah don’t want ya have ta because of me…” There were other wolves in the pack, ones that were Kisla’s own children, who could take over, just as long as it wasn’t Lilya. That much, the sparrow was certain of. Her blue eyes shone hints of hesitance, like she’d just pinned herself into a corner, again, like she felt she had with Craw… her and her mouth.

Lilya was almost certain she knew what her reservations were, but she wasn’t entirely sure if this insistence that she only take it if she was ready was more for Kisla or her. No, it couldn’t be for her, right? After all, she was awful at this, and she was certain, from experience, that Kisla did a far better job than she. The River needed stability and numbers, meaning that they should have their queen on her rightful throne rather than a stand-in acting for her, especially given she’d returned to the territory. She spoke up her son, and it felt a little comforting, but at the same time a little daunting.

Regardless of what the queen said, he was still her son and because of it, Lilya saw him as having some sort of weight that she herself would never truly have. They were family, and she was just a subordinate now with no blood relation. She didn’t respond, evidently not convinced or reassured that the prince was not right, but also not wanting to try and argue the topic with his mother. She felt insecure about it all, and that was the driving force in her almost crippling self-doubt. “Thank ya… fer takin’ the crown back.” She thanked her softly with a dip of her head. She truly meant it – she wasn’t ready nor was she born for it.

Perhaps, when they were older, it could go to Inna or Lekalta and Lilya could do her part as a loyal second still? “Ah should get goin’… I gotta talk to Lach ‘bout an issue Ah’ve been havin’.” Sleep was becoming a problem again (it had never really stopped being a problem, but she hated to bother him with something like that until it became borderline detrimental to her abilities to do her job), and part of her really wanted to avoid a further discussion about whether or not she actually did a good job, she turned to leave, a small dip of her head, pausing for a moment, almost to see if she was okay with Lilya taking her leave or if she wanted to discuss something further.