A few days had passed since he had been bombarded at the lake by both Tagg and Moonshadow. The state that had left him in, especially his talk with Moonshadow, had been one of utter embarrassment for admiring what he had to her. He felt like a complete ass and that by admitting it he had caused a change in their friendship and he couldn't take it back. Still if that was what he had to do to keep her from finding out the way he truly felt about her then it was worth it. Still it hadn't gotten him to move back into the den with the rest of the pack and instead he'd found an old den site. It had needed a little work but he got it too a place where it would protect him from the weather and provide a place he could be without getting in the way.

Still things for him hadn't improved and he knew he needed to do something, at least try to do something to help himself. Tagg's words concerning talking to Namid about Des had stuck with him. Though he didn't know if his alpha knew anything about why Des had gone he hoped that just talking with her might help. Slowly he made his way to the communal den hoping he would find her there, “Namid,” he called softly into the darkness of the den, “Are you in there? I was wondering if we could talk?” He then sat back on his haunches to wait for her answer.

Bothering Namid with the things he should be able to figure out on his own was something Kajika didn’t want to do but he needed to talk to someone. He trusted Namid would do what she could to help him but he worried he had gotten himself into something he couldn't get out of. He wondered that maybe he had let this go on too long that there wasn't any help for him and that it would get worse. He worried that by doing so he had also failed the pack and broken his promise to the alpha. For the slightest moment before Namid answered his call he wanted to slink back to his makeshift den and admit defeat. He couldn't though because he needed to get better for himself and the pack.

Waiting for Namid to answer his call though a short wait only increased the beta's anxiety. The many thoughts that had been running through his mind only made it worse. Kajika wondered where he should start the conversation and then hopefully it would all fall into place and not be so jumbled when it came out. When his alpha did finally appear he felt a small amount of relief at the thought he might soon have some answers. He smiled slightly when she used his nickname and offered her a nod. “Hello, I hope you are well. I was wondering if you spoke to Des before she left?” He asked getting straight to it. In the end Des seemed a good place to start since she was the start of it all, in his mind at least.

With Namid’s appearance also came the hope of some kind of answer to his question or advice that might help him figure out what was going on in his mind. With this hope came a small amount of relaxation that he hadn't felt in days or even months. He knew it had gotten much worse since Tagg had confessed his love for Moonshadow. It was a feeling that in that moment felt a little foreign since it had been so long since he'd felt relaxed even a little. Even if Namid didn't have any answers for him he felt she could understand. He also knew she would listen and perhaps that was all he needed, to hear it out loud. He wouldn't know until he'd spoken with her but maybe Tagg was right and all he needed was someone who he could tell everything to.

Des. That was where he chose to start, at the beginning of when all of this started and the end of his time with her. With his question asked he waited his body tensing with anticipation of her answer. When it came his ears and gaze fell before he let out a breath, she didn't know what happened to Des either. Though he supposed he shouldn't have been surprised because he hoped that if she had spoken to Namid she would have spoken to him too. He had also considered that he was completely wrong and maybe Tagg was right, she hadn't wanted to say goodbye to him. After all hadn't they said it so many times before and each time it has gotten harder. Still perhaps Tagg was also right when he said she hadn't wanted to leave and something had happened to her on the scouting trip. His mind went through all of this until he heard Namid's question, why was he asking. His gaze returned to hers, “She's been on my mind a lot lately, more than she probably should. I feel like I should have moved on by now but she haunts me all the time,” he answered thinking he should stop there but he needed to say more. “When I'm awake I find myself in the places we spent the time we had together and when I'm sleeping...Or trying to sleep anyway I'm having nightmares about her.”

The answer was in some ways what he expected and not what he expected, the truth was he wasn't even sure anymore. After Namid had answered his question he had gone into more detail about what was going on with him and why he needed to ask his question. He knew she couldn't help him or at least try to if he didn't confide in her. So he told her exactly what had been happening to him for the past few months, how Des was always there. He hoped that it wouldn't reflect negatively on him as he felt he hadn't been doing the best job within the pack. Still of it did he was ready for that judgement, he had accepted that before he had come to speak with her. While he didn't believe that she would do such a thing he also understood she had to think of the pack. If he wasn't doing his part to take care of everyone then he couldn't blame her if she was upset with him.

However, it became clear as she spoke that she understood his situation more than he had thought. He'd had thought she knew how he'd felt about Des before she'd disappeared but now he knew. He listened to the story she told about a man she’d know and felt as he did about Des and how they had been separated during a blizzard. He'd never had any idea having thought she'd always been with Vespertio after he had chosen her to lead with him. After her story she explained that she still thought of the man and had feeling for him because they never went away but it got easier. Hearing her story gave him the hope he'd lost after speaking with Moonshadow and Tagg at the lake. He would get through this he just needed the time to do so.

“Thank you Namid for your story and your understanding of what I'm feeling, I feel after hearing your story you can understand what is happening to me. Des made me happy too and while she was with us the feelings I had were strong but it wasn't until she left that I realized just how strong,” he admitted though he was sure she already knew, “I have thought many times what it would be for her to come back,would we be as happy as we were before. I know I made a mistake not going to look for her when she didn't come home and there are times that I feel I failed her because I didn't go find her. I can imagine what it must have felt like being away from him. Did you ever find him and have the chance to know he was okay?” He asked his gaze meeting her mismatched one.

Namid also spoke of how the feelings that one who awakens them never lessen as the always hold a special place but that it gets better. She also assured him that Des wouldn't have abandoned them, she wasn't the sort. “I'm sure you miss the man you traveled with for so long like I do Des but I'm glad you were able to find Vespertio and that he makes you happy. I understand it will take time but I have a little more hope that I can get through this but it will take time. Maybe one day thinking of her won't be so painful and I can remember all the good times he had without the bad. I know she wouldn't just leave but I worried that maybe I pushed her away because I never told her.”

Namid's story had helped h to see he wasn't the only one to have gone through something like this and that in time it would get easier. “I fear I may have made a mistake,” he admitted with a heavy breath, “And I don't know if I can fix it.” He needed to tell her what had happened between him and Moonshadow, he needed to hear from someone else that it either could be fixed or couldn't.

Sometimes it was hard for him to talk about Des so he didn't know if it would be hard for her to share her story. He was glad that she did, it helped him more than she probably knew. Now he felt there would be an end to the craziness inside his head and he didn't feel so alone. He'd never felt for anyone like he did Des before he met her so all of the emotions he had regarding her were so new to him he didn't know how to cope with them. His question about her seeing the man she'd cared so much for again was an important one to him.

A smile crossed his maw when she confirmed that she had in fact found him with a child of his own after she’d had her first litter. Though she hadn't ended up with the first man she'd cared deeply for it seemed they both were happy. “I suppose that things may not always work out the way we want but they do work out in the end?” His ears did perk when she mentioned her brother and that she had found him. He had wrestled with himself many times since he'd met Veho to share his knowledge of the man with Namid but did not know if it was his place or how to bring it up to her, “I am happy to hear that you finally found each other,” he said remembering the conversation he'd had with the healer when he'd learned Namid was his sister. The other thing was he had never known where her brother called home so if she'd asked he wouldn't have been able to tell her where to find him.

Ever since he'd kept his true feelings from Moonshadow he wondered if it had been the right decision after all. They had made a promise to each other and he had broke that promise when he hadn't told her. As she moved closer to him he met her gaze a deep breath leaving him, “Moonshadow and I promised not to keep anything from each other but I broke that promise to her. I thought it was what was best for her and Tagg and now I'm worried what will happen when she finds out,” he confessed. He knew how he sounded, certainly not the man that he should be and not the beta that he was. He hated it but he wasn't sure there was anything he could do about it.