Wild Rye Fields I need some more of you to take me over

It was unfair. Askan had spent a great deal of time gathering nice warm things to line the floor of their den, and despite all of his efforts it was still freezing! It had no right to be this cold inside. Tsk, and Reyes had expected him to remain sound asleep when it was like this. It would have been impossible, the Selwyn would have sooner frozen to death. Not that he seemed to care, Askan doubted that he'd even spared him a thought. How did the saying go, out of sight out of mind, right?

Yawning once again, Askan stopped his spinning and and pawed at the deer pelt, shuffling it around so it crunched up. He might have butted Reyes out of the way in the process, but he didn't care, comfort was important and he'd have to wait his damn turn to lay down. For now, Askan wanted to grumble and take out his frustrations on their little nest. Which he did, thoroughly, and with a lot more spinning. Shivering, Askan flopped to the floor and let out a huff, which of course clouded from his lips as though he were a fire breathing dragon.

Now he wasn't mad at Reyes, per se, he was just tired and cold and cranky...And maybe it didn't help that he'd been a little lonely. Waking up all alone really wasn't his idea of fun and pared with everything else it had dragged up some memories that he'd rather leave buried. When Reyes eventually settle down behind him, Askan let out a tired sigh and wiggled back against his touch. He assumed that he'd fall asleep right away once Reyes was back where he belonged, but apparently not. Apparently he wasn't so lucky. Great, just what he needed. How could this night get any worse?

"Don't do that again." Askan grumbled, trying and failing not to sound like a clingy little pup that hadn't gotten his own way. But as petulant as it seemed it wasn't exactly his fault. He had his reasons, after all. "It's too cold for that kind of shit." And as if to prove his point, another shiver tingled down his spine.

Would winter ever end? It was cold. It was unbelievably cold. So cold that his nose ached – and all he’d done was disappear long enough to take a goddamn piss. Frankly, he hadn’t even wanted to do that, but he was starting to feel suspiciously like a water skin about to burst. Once relieved, the man didn’t exactly run back – wouldn’t do for anyone to see him in such a goddamn hurry to get out of the goddamn cold – but he certainly hadn’t loitered. Hadn’t felt like he’d loitered, anyways.

So when he settled his jawbones back across the broad expanse of Askan’s side, he hadn’t expected the other wolf to stir, much less open his trap. Silvery eyes peeled themselves back open, and he huffed. “You’re telling me. You weren’t the one outside, cabrón,” Reyes groused right back, allowing himself a sharp snort before dropping his head back down. Please. Whatever else could wait until morning, he rather suspected – not like he’d eaten much that day, anyways. He’d have to hunt when the sun came back up and made a feeble attempt to warm the snow globe the forest had recently become, but other than that? He was perfect content to meet Askan’s demands.

Not that he’d say as much outloud, however.

“Stop squirmin’, huh? I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

Squirming? Askan wouldn't have called it that, but nonetheless he did as he told and settled down. He didn't want to give his mate the impression that he'd leap to attention at his beck and call, but it wasn't as if he could say no to such a tempting request. Reyes was here now and they'd both gotten comfortable so there was point in wiggling around and making a nuisance of himself. But still, there was something bothering the Selwyn, something that made his throat feel tight and his eyes sting.

Wiggling back into Reyes' touch, Askan sighed. Maybe it was because he was still tired- after all a sleepy Askan was an emotional Askan- but waking up alone had rekindled some feelings that he didn't want to remember, let alone have to deal with again. It seemed as though whether he wanted them or not, they were going to settle in the pit of his chest and did their claws until he- Another sigh passed through Askan's lips and he shrugged his shoulders to get his mate's attention. Just in case he'd fallen asleep.

"Hey...Can I ask you something?" It wasn't in Askan's nature to be tentative, but there he was, speaking slow and quiet as though he thought Reyes would deny him. He cleared his throat and tried-and failed- to shoo away the unwelcome sense of despair that he'd once been so familiar with. Ugh, he'd forgotten how awful this was. He just wanted...

"Did you ever get...You know, lonely when you were travelling on your own?

Askan remembered the cold, the sharp stones cutting into the soft skin of his underbelly and worst of all, the hunger that tore at his insides and made a once great wolf as feeble as he could be. Travelling for days on end without seeing a friendly face didn't seem all that bad at first, it wasn't like Askan was a social butterfly. But it got bad. Real bad. And though Askan wouldn't admit it, there were times when he wasn't sure whether he could carry on anymore. On some days he had just wanted to curl up and die.

So why was remembering that shit now? The past was long gone, he didn't have to deal with that anymore, and yet it was at the forefront of his mind. Like a ghost that wouldn't let him forget.

The wiggling ceased – no, that wasn’t entirely correct. But it had at least been significantly subdued. Reyes’ ears relaxed out to the sides and his eyes slipped back shut. His breathing had just started to even out when Askan stirred, a question bubbling forward. It was a stupid question, really. When did the guy ever need permission to speak his mind? Still, the delta gave an affirmative grunt, shuffling just enough to get close. Closer. He still didn’t open his eyes, determined he was going to get back to sleep when the younger wolf finally put the words to the query he actually wanted to ask.

Reyes hummed, opening one eye just enough to regard his mate’s face curiously. Where had that question come from?

“Yeah,” he answered easily, shrugging one shoulder. “I mean, I don’t like company. Usually. But talking to yourself gets old.” Hunting got hard. Picking corpses and scarfing down tiny rodents left a man with an empty belly. Nights were cold, far colder than this. Reyes huffed, pushing his nose into Askan’s fur. “Missed my sisters, too. Especially at the start. But…dunno. I was alone so long, I forgot. And that was easier. I was okay with that.”

For all their similarities it seemed as though they didn't share this in common. And that was good right? Reyes had been on his own for years, he was so resilient that he made it look easy. It was one of the many things Askan admired about him, he dealt with the whole shit-fest that is survival and didn't complain about it. Or at the very least he only did it when no one was about. But Askan? How had he dealt with that kind of life? Of day in day out of solitude, over and over until it was all he knew?

Honestly, not very well. And yet, Reyes made it sound so easy. Maybe it was just him then, maybe Askan wasn't cut out for that sort of life-which if he wasn't didn't matter anymore but all the same he felt ashamed. He was a disgrace. How could he claim to be Reyes' equal when he was so pathetic? When waking up alone was more than enough to upset him? Not that he'd ever admit that, but it was the truth. He had been upset.

" If it made you feel bad why did you leave? I know you didn't have a pack but..." Askan huffed and dropped his chin onto his leg. He didn't even know what he was trying to say, or what he was getting at. He felt so muddled, so displaced, as though he was just as lost as he had been all those months ago.

Clambering to his feet, Askan turned around so that he could face Reyes and slot himself against him. It wasn't their usual way of sleeping but he didn't care. This was what he wanted and if Reyes wanted to complain....well honestly he just hoped he didn't. It was still just as cosy and this way Askan could hide his face against his shoulder, whilst Reyes used him as a cushion-as he so often did. As long as they were close, that was all that mattered really.

"When I was on my own I spent a lot of time wishing I wasn't. Not as strong as you, I guess. Just wanted to go home but knew I couldn't. Not after what I'd said. Thought they hated me." He shrugged, though the gesture was weak and feeble. "Thought I was gonna die, then I found this place and met Drestig. He helped me, didn't have to- Gods know I didn't deserve it but..Yeah."

At his admission, he pushed his face further into the fluff of Reyes' shoulder, as though that would be able to hide him from his shame. He'd never spoken about this before, so why now? Why was he such a walking disaster?

“Because it was time, Askan. I ain’t my mama’s mate. I helped her raise the twins up, but I didn’t wanna do it again. I wanted to see things. And then I felt shit, I guess, so I didn’t turn around. Kept moving.”

It wasn’t being brave, not really. Sometimes he worried that Mama and the girls weren’t doing well. Sometimes, it was the obvious – that finding his family would affirm they were better off without the family testosterone. But before his train of thought could slide any further off the tracks, the weight on his back disappeared. Reyes opened his eyes fully, lifting his head to study his mate. The chill didn’t last long; the older wolf dropped his chin back onto Askan’s plush coat. While the arrangement was a bit odd, he saw no reason to question it. As long as he had a pillow, he was content to let Askan speak.

This time, his eyes did not slip shut. Sleep was a far off thought.

“Para eso, mi luna.” The delta moved just enough to brush his tongue across Askan’s crown, grooming the man’s thick winter coat. “If they hate you, their loss. I ain’t strong, amado, just stubborn. Torito, mama used to call me.” His expression could only be confirmed as wry. “Why you all hot and bothered all the sudden, Askan? What happened?”

Even though Reyes did a good job explaining Askan still didn't understand. Or at least he didn't understand entirely. He'd never had to deal with the hassle of helping raise younger siblings, so he couldn't say he knew what that was like. He could imagine how much of a pain it would be, especially if they were anything like his sisters. But even with that in mind it wasn't quite the same.

Askan hadn't left his home because he wanted to-if anything there wasn't anything he had wanted less- but he left because he thought he had to. He'd felt as though there was no way out and that he was backed up against a wall. Whilst Reyes, on the other end of the spectrum, left because he needed to. Because his he wanted more from his life than looking after litter after litter.

The Selwyn had never been the sort to ask for comfort, nor had he ever really wanted it before, but it had to be said right there and then he needed it. And so, he was endlessly grateful that Reyes was willing to provide it without even a single complaint or teasing comment. Instead, the Southerner simply murmured something, soft and sweet in his strange, almost lyrical language. Whatever it he meant, it helped, even if only a little. Rumbling at the kiss to the top of his head, he wiggled just that little bit more closer to his mate and sighed. Though honestly, he couldn't tell whether it was a happy or sad sound.

"You are strong." Askan insisted with a grumble, as a frown pulled at his lips. Though that said he wasn't going to deny that his mate was stubborn. After all, he was as stubborn as they came.

When Reyes continued and his expression shifted into one of concern Askan couldn't help but huff and close his eyes. As much as he wanted to agree with him, Askan just couldn't. His family lost nothing by hating him, in fact they had every right to. He deserved it. He was a sham, so much so that he didn't even deserve to call himself a Selwyn. Not anymore.

Was he really ready to talk about it? Just the idea of putting his thoughts into words was enough to make him shiver a little, as though an embodiment of winter just ran an icy finger down his spine. As a rule, Askan didn't like thinking about bad things, months ago he'd adopted the tactic of just ignoring it all. Of shoving it all away and slamming the door behind him. It was easy enough to pretend that the past hadn't happened, but sometimes it came creeping back and knocked the wind right out of him. And honestly Askan wasn't sure whether talking about it would fan the flames or just put them out.

"Nothing happened today. I mean...I'm just being stupid. Glad you're back, here with me. That's all."

Strength was relative. Strength was not all it was cracked up to be, either. For all that Reyes wielded brute force, Askan had won their scuffles more often than he didn’t, and not for lack of trying on the delta’s behalf. There was also wit and quick paws. There was the role of experience and of motivation, and—

He was doing that thing again. Too many thoughts, most of them not immediately relevant to the situation. The older wolf worked his jaw, watching his mate largely in silence as the man muttered. Again with the self-depreciation. How many times did he have to tell him to stop that?

“You aren’t stupid, Askan. Fool-hardy, sometimes. Stubborn. But you’re fuckin’ crafty, pendejo. I wouldn’t be friends with someone dumb – much less be mates with them. That’s – that’s forever, Askan, and I ain’t doin’ forever with a damn fool.”

Reyes flicked his tongue against his teeth before shuffling himself closer, and then the nattering started again. His snout dived into plush winter fur, grooming and nibbling against his shoulders and neck. If it didn’t make Askan feel better…at least it helped him, if only a little bit. “Stop talking bullshit. Te amo, mi luna. Fuck the rest of ‘em.”

Askan wasn't all that surprised that Reyes disagreed with him on the stupidity front, but he was rather taken back by the vehemence of his response. He'd expected some sort of rebuff, something along the lines of 'shut up' followed swiftly by a word or phrase that he didn't understand. But no, there was none of that. His words were earnest and spoken without hesitation, like he truly meant them. So why did Askan find it so hard to believe? He wanted to, he really wanted to be worthy of Reyes' affection, he wanted to covet it all for himself and yet... The Selwyn sighed and pawed at his eyes, careful not to jostle his partner too much in the process.

But he was right though, wasn't he? Deep down, behind all the shame and the self loathing Askan knew he wasn't a fool. He might make mistakes from time to time, but just as Reyes said he was crafty and for all of his-numerous- faults there were things he was good at. Reyes' latter words though, they truly struck a cord with him. Askan already knew that what they had, their wonderful little thing, wasn't temporary but hearing his mate reiterate it with such certainty...Was it sappy to say it made his heart feel a little lighter and beat a little faster? Probably, but it was true.

Things in their little den were all warm and fuzzy, or at least they were until Reyes spoke up in his usual, blunt fashion. Despite his-somewhat- former melancholy, Askan couldn't help but snort in amusement. Bullshit. Now that was the Reyes he knew, not that he'd change him for the world. Nor would he mind if this side of his mate reared its head more often either. It went without saying at this point, but he appreciated the fact that Reyes took the time to groom the fur on his neck and shoulders. It probably didn't need doing and instead his mate was using it as a means to comfort him. To show that he cared. And as unconventional as it was, it worked. Askan did feel wanted and appreciated and most importantly understood. Like he'd finally found home.

"You're right." Askan admitted and nuzzled the top of his head against his mate's shoulder."That was dumb. I'm good now. No one else matters, no one but you." He paused for a moment and frowned.Dark thoughts crept in again."Just don't go where I can't follow, all right?"