SERACH & APONI DONATA

 

Aponi wasn’t sure how she felt. She knew she was supposed to feel guilty but for now she felt almost nothing at all but a numb fog. The mother went through the same motions she had after Skoll - or she had known him as Samuel, rubbing against cedar trees. She barely felt the way the sap pulled at her fur and part of her knew there was nothing that she could do now that would keep Serach from knowing short of leaving. But if she left for a few days and came back and she announced that she was pregnant wasn’t that just as obvious?

The queen moved through the territory without thinking much, she felt nothing but exhaustion and confusion. Show me who I really am. Who was she? This hadn’t made anything clearer instead everything felt more confusing and suffocating than ever. Aponi didn’t call for Serach but she didn’t hide her presence either. He would find her when he found her, and then he would leave. Just like she had always known he would.

love has a quiet voice

Serach had desperately hoped that after their fight, things would return to normal. To some extent, they had - Aponi had been spending more time with him and he didn't feel like his mere existence was irritating her. While she had remained in heat, he had remained more alert and more aggressive - warning away their other pack members with growls and raised hackles. But she would not allow him to stick by her side all day, so he had silently compromised to keeping a respectful distance and letting her seek him out if she wanted his company.

When Aponi had left the Bend's borders that day, Serach had not been anywhere near her and certainly not in a position to stop her. It was only after he had gone more than a few hours without seeing her that he became restless and actively started to search for her. Keen nose leading the way, it didn't take too long to find her scent trail and her paw prints in the melting snow. Blissfully unaware that this was her trail leading back into the Bend, as opposed to out, he set off after her.

It wasn't until he found her that alarm bells began to ring in Serach's head. He didn't see anything to cause concern so much as he smelled it - the unmistakable stench of a stranger mixed with the smell trees and Aponi herself. As he approached from behind her, his steps slow, the smell only became more potent. The realization of what exactly that meant was still a ways off though (it had never even crossed his mind that she would couple with another, especially not since they already had), so rather than lashing out in anger, his question was voiced with genuine confusion and concern. "I was looking for you - hadn't seen you in a while. Did you leave and meet with someone?"

SERACH & APONI DONATA

 

She had made it almost to the den when the sound of slow pawsteps behind her caused the female to stop. Aponi knew who it was and the smell of him and the sound of his approach was enough to break the fog that she had been operating under. Her stomach dropped and for a moment she didn’t turn around because she was sure that she was going to be sick. Breathing in slowly through her nose the nausea passed but the guilt that had begun felt as if it was going to eat her alive.

What the fuck had she done.

Doing her best to look as normal as possible she half succeeded, her expression calm but her eyes were wild with some unreadable emotion. She wanted to move forward and embrace him and confirm their marriage as they had been doing all week as if that could take her actions away. Nothing could take it away and Aponi knew that but she desperately wished as if that wasn’t the truth. Nodding to his question her voice cracked, ”I was on a border patrol.” Swallowing hard she continued, ”I came across the smell of an old friend I hadn’t seen since my childhood.” This was all the truth, but the words were calculated even if her voice didn’t show it. Friend instead of man, since childhood instead of since the last time she had tried to seduce him.

love has a quiet voice

It took longer than it should have for Aponi to respond to his presence, and when she did he didn't feel any kind of relief. There was no smile on her lips or in her eyes, which was never a good sign regardless of the circumstance. The cracking in her voice as she spoke only made his stomach drop because it was so uncharacteristically Aponi, and Serach found himself blinking dumbly at her in confusion. "A childhood friend," he repeated slowly, the words sounding foreign on his tongue. If it was just that, why did her voice sound off?

Instinctively, he took a few steps closer to her with the intention of reaching out to touch his nose to hers. But as he did so, the scent that had been setting off alarm bells in his head only grew stronger. A male, his brain hissed at him, stopping his nose a few inches before it made contact with her's. But it was more than that, and the realization made his heart lurch and the hair along his ruff to rise. Aponi was still in heat - it was part of the reason why he had been sticking so close to her - and any male wolf who would come so close to pack borders during breeding season was automatically a threat. His eyes scanned her figure, searching for signs of a fight or a struggle. But there was nothing, and that made the realization hurt so much worse when it came. She'd gone willingly, and as his nose has been trying to tell him, had not merely talked to this friend.

Returning his gaze to her's, Serach stared at her in silence for several long moments. He was breathing heavily, as though he had just run a sprint. He didn't know whether to be outraged or devastated, and so for now his body had defaulted to numbed shock. "You mean a lover," he corrected his earlier statement, his voice breaking as he said the last word and averted his gaze, unable to look at his mate anymore. Was it Lila's father, come to relive previous year's conquests? Or was it an entirely new suitor? Serach couldn't decide which one was worse. "I thought...I thought things were getting better. I don't understand..."

SERACH & APONI DONATA

 

Serach blinked back at her, his tone slow and confused as he repeated exactly what she had just said. Something about the dumb expression on his face grated on her already fried guilt nerves and made her want to scream the words again an old friend. But, Aponi knew that wasn’t fair. She knew that none of this was fair, not to her pale mate who had always stood by her side. Stood by her side when she had drove most the pack away, stood by her side as they struggled through the winter with low numbers, stood by her side when she avoided him, when she yelled at him, when she used sex to avoid talking. He was always standing by her.

So why had it taken all of this for her to realize that she should have been doing the same instead of trying to run away?

He stepped closer and Aponi had to stop herself from flinching when he reached out to her, her instinct screaming at her to run. Run away and hide in shame at what she had done, but there was no running and no hiding now. His green eyes looked her over and the woman just started desperately at his face, quiet and obedient for maybe the first time in her life. The mother just waited for whatever was next, if he yelled she deserved worse, if he bit her she definitely deserved it. Just please god, don’t let him leave her.

His breathing sounded like screaming in her ears, his gaze felt like it might burn a hole right into her brain. But, him looking away and the crack in his voice was much much worse. Aponi whined and stepped a little closer, reaching out with her nose as if to touch her mate’s muzzle but hesitating at the last second. ”Things are better, or they were better,” What the hell was she supposed to say? ”I want you, I do. He showed up and I was curious and we were just talking and then,” And then Karpos had said what he said. ”I just don’t even know who I am anymore Serach, and I don’t think you’ve ever known who I am.” 

loving you is fire & then it’s rain.

Serach saw Aponi's muzzle move out of the corner of his eyes. She stopped just short of touching him; not that it would have matter as he pulled away. Taking a few steps back, he moved fully out of her reach. Mere minutes ago all he had wanted to do was be close to her, and now he wasn't sure how he would react if she touched him. Never in all the time he had known Aponi had he ever considered attacking her, but now he did not trust himself and the uncertainty of that only made him feel worse and more confused.

He barely heard her as she offered his explanation because at the end of the day it didn't really matter what she had to say. There was nothing she could say that would stop his heart from breaking. Closing his eyes, he flattened his ears against his head and tried to block her voice out. It was a fruitless effort though, and every word came through - loud and clear and utterly absurd. His lips curled in disgust and his brow wrinkled as she finished.

"You want me? So you fucked someone else...," he spat, opening his eyes to glare at her. His tone angry and upset, Serach forced himself to continue even though a part of him knew that it was pointless exercise. There was no coming back from this. "You are absolutely right. I've no idea who you are - you're certainly not the woman I fell in love with. I've been trying to talk to you for months and every time you've brushed me off." He stopped, unable to continue, breathing heavily and blinking back angry tears that had started to collect in the corners of his eyes. "I offered to give up the Bend for you, my home. And this is how you repay me."

SERACH & APONI DONATA

 

Aponi was thankful that she had hesitated instead of touching her mate, not because she was afraid of him but because it would have made the rejection that much worse. It stung enough as it was, and the woman lost all of her composure. Tears gathered in her eyes, prickling the back of her throat as she tried to blink them away. No matter how fast she closed her eyes though it couldn’t stop them and soon they rolled over her lids and down her silver face. She said nothing as Serach verbally lashed out at her, just stood and cried silently. She deserved every word and she knew it.

She wished that he would bite her, re-open the scars that signified the beginning of their relationship. Force her to the ground until her pelt was brown with mud. Make her cry tears of pain instead of this horrible guilt that was consuming her, but because he was a good man, he didn’t.

It was crushing, every emotion she had tried to run from for months weighed a thousand pounds and the worst of it was that Aponi knew it was all her fault. If she could have just loved him like he deserved to be loved then everything would be perfect right now and they could be excited about the spring and their coming children. Aponi couldn’t think of anything to say other than, ”Do you want me to leave?” She would go if he asked her to, but she would collect Lila and whichever of the pups would come on her way out. She had fucked up her marriage but she was done being a walk-out mother like she had been with Kyna.

loving you is fire & then it’s rain.

It felt like a {wotd}anachronism[/wotd]. Just a few days ago they had been arguing, but their positions had been switched. Serach had been the one silently crying while she lashed out at him, laying out all of his failures for him to acknowledge. He had felt terrible, and so incredibly numb. Watching her now, the tears pouring out from beneath her eyelids, he couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt amongst all of the rage and he found himself unable to hold back his own tears any longer. His heart was broken and he was incredibly angry, but there was a part of him that knew that at least some of this was his fault. If he had been better, perhaps she would not have been so easily swayed. And he had stood in her spot and knew how much it hurt to have your faults laid bare by the person you loved the most. It was, perhaps, the worst punishment he could, or at least was willing, to dish out.

"No," he finally said, after long enough that the silence had become deafening. His tone was still rough, but not quite as furious as it had been. Lifting a paw to his face, he tried to swat away the tears on his cheeks, but it was a futile effort. "I don't think the kids would ever forgive me if they woke up tomorrow and you weren't here. And don't think for a minute I would let you leave here with them - I will follow wherever I have to if it means being near to them." He hoped she did not doubt his resolve when it came to that point. For all of his other failings, he considered himself to be a good father. And if that meant he would have to learn to forgive Aponi for what she had done, then he would try as hard as he could.

"As for us," he swallowed a lump in his throat that threatened to turn into a whine. "This would not hurt so much if I did not love you...but don't mistake this as forgiveness. I cannot promise you that. But I will continue to protect you and provide for you. And if your stomach swells and you give birth to more pups, then I will protect them too. Even if they're not mine." The bitterness in his voice was hard to miss. But that was a betrayal he felt more certain he could get over. Lila was not his, after all, and yet he had certainly stepped in to be a father to her even before he and Aponi had become mates; before he had even really known who Aponi was. But that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? He apparently didn't know and neither did she.

SERACH & APONI DONATA

 

She couldn’t bare to watch Serach cry, those tears on his pale face practically choked her. The lump in Aponi’s throat doubled in size and she wasn’t sure whether it was more moisture battling its way out of her or if it was stomach contents which she was suddenly fighting to keep inside. It was much too early for morning sickness, it was her guilt, emotions that she didn’t know how to deal with manifesting themselves as physical symptoms. Physical she could deal with, she knew enough about herbs not to let herself die of dehydration from vomiting or infection from a wound. But, this gaping hole in her heart was something she had no idea how to cope with.

The silence after her question was deafening, like standing beside the loudest waterfall and letting it crash on her head. Aponi’s ears rang, and her heart pounded making her vision slanted until the silver wolf realized that she had been holding her breath waiting for a response. Letting it out shakily it seemed like the small gust of air was enough to pull out a single word from her mate. Could she still call him her mate? It would seem that she could, for now. She knew he would stand by his word, leave the Oaks for his children but Aponi also knew that she would fight tooth and nail for them herself.

She said nothing. Let him speak his piece and accepted whatever it was that he thought he could give her. And, in the end it was more than she could ever hope for. He still loved her, he couldn’t forgive her now or maybe ever but he would take care of them all the same. She wanted to reach forward and touch him again but Aponi wasn’t sure she could take the heartbreak when he didn’t reciprocate. She took a step forward, hesitant, a plead in her eyes, ”Thank you.”

loving you is fire & then it’s rain.