OOC: Mostly - this post is to get some of Vlars internal warring worked out.. but I don't mind if it turns into a thread either.. :) ...Tear-jerking warning.. Seriously. "World so cold: 12 Stones" Was the song I heard while writing this song.. And making the table itself.. Kind of sets a mood...

Cold.. She could see her breath puffing up thinly in front of her lips as she climbed. Paw pads had long since been cut open by her constant movement, constant wandering. Those scabs now tore open as the white female made her way up the side of Mount Dire - following a path she had learned long ago..How long had it been? A Year or more? No.. not quite...or had it been? Time had flown by - days melted to weeks, weeks to months.. and months to one never ending blur. Pushing onwards, she stopped as the air thinned, panting raggedly, feeling the cordate organ thumping sluggishly in her chest.

Looking back, her single amber orb noticed that her path up the rocky slope was marked with staggering uneven paw prints of rust on the white snow. She stopped and stared at the bloody prints behind her, her heart stopping momentarily as she stared.. Transfixed. The rust-red stood out in stark relief against the once pristine snow. A blight on the landscape, just as the owner of the paws that had caused them was. She stood until the blustery winds of the mountain threatened to rip her emaciated form from the face of the mountain, and Vlarindara turned her attention to the lands she was steadily climbing above. Wouldn't it just be the perfect ending? To be ripped from the precipice of life by the very nature that brought her into being?

A sigh slipped from pale lips before she forged on, not exactly sure where her feet were taking her - but moving regardless. The white wolf forced herself to ignore the rust colored prints she was leaving, hearing some kind of scrabbling well down the path. A glance showed her it was a small pack of coyotes that were following her up the mountain..probably following the scent of fresh blood. Stupid things.. Her lip curled in disgust as she turned back to the task at hand - climbing the mountain. It was almost as if the baying of the hell-hounds was nipping at her heels, with the ruckus the scavengers behind her were causing. But..wasn't she to, a scavenger?

The air was thinning steadily, but the wolf managed to force her shaking, weak limbs to crest the precipice of the mountain.. so she might turn and survey the lands of Relic Lore - the very lands that had broken her heart.. and built it back up.. only to shatter it again. But, could she really blame the lands? A screeching of a bird overhead lifted her eyes skyward, picking out the circling form of some kind of raptor against the overcast sky - the sunlight just barely illuminating the clouds behind it. Below her, the cries of the coyotes echoed up the canyon - the rocks and she lowered her head, wondering just what it was the coyotes would find when they crested the mountain.

Would they find a white wolf...standing on the edge of defeat? The wind ripping through what fur she had left? Would their hungry eyes see a once proud body that had since shriveled through neglect? Would the creatures realize that a wolf - once their enemy was nothing more than an easy meal with her hip-bones and ribs so pronounced? Or.. would even the scavengers turn away from her - knowing there was not a morsel of meat to be had? Vlarindara lowered her head, closing her eyes and attempting to force the images of the coyotes from her mind.. but in their stead came images of Borden - Raigo.. Angier.. Rebecca, Prosper, Jaysyek, Elettra, Arlette, Trisden, Hocus, Theo, Ruiko.. Wolves - every one of them.. Each one she had failed in some form or another.

Pain bubbled up in her chest at seeing those faces.. some muddied by time....Had Theo been white like his sister? Was...Prospers mask a mirror image of his fathers? Was it Jaysyeks right...or her left eye that was gold? Eyes squeezed shut even further, her limbs quaking with the icy fingers that ripped across her skin - ruffling her fur. Wind that thankfully drowned out the baying of the Coyotes climbing the treacherous slopes of Mount Dire. What would have happened if she had put up more of a fuss? Would it be her that had Bordens affections instead of Jaysyek if she'd only stood her ground that day?

Would she still have Raigos love, his support if she had? Would she have managed to remain within the confines of Grizzly Hollow - will both of her eyes in tact? The bubble of pain grew within her breast... threatening to shatter the cordate box she had stuffed them in... attempting to forget them. What would have happened had she not challenged Jaysyek out of anger? Of hatred for stealing Borden away from her? All things that she had pushed away, forced herself to forget, to ignore. The bubble grew.. then burst, ripping from her throat in the only sound she could vocalize to vent her pain - her hatred.. Of herself for not standing up.. of Jaysyek for being there ....of Borden for NOT being there.

The howl shattered the calm atop the mountains - even silencing the coyotes below. It echoed off the rocks behind her, bouncing off the cliffside and returning to her. A haunting, heartbroken sound. The single note of a heart that was shattering, that had shattered long ago. A voice rent with sorrow - ragged and raw with emotion.. released in the only way she could. Wolves were unable to cry, they lacked the tear ducts. She couldn't yell like humans, couldn't punch things.. lacked the strength to take her anger out on something living. The anguish of her soul ripped itself past broken vocal cords and into the crisp air - exuded from her muzzle in a gout of fog, rising like a pillar into the sky..

The note continued until her lungs and body had nothing left to give... and the note petered out, leaving her head that had once been pointed towards the heavens to drop bonelessly towards the ground. Along with it.. her hind end collapsed, laying in the snow where she had fallen, ragged pants shaking her sides, the snow quickly soaking into toothpick sized legs and pallid skin. Her front legs were the only things supporting her- keeping her from being completely prone in the snow; though even those shook violently with the strain of holding her up. Silently, the wolf stared upwards with her single left eye, watching the sunlight break through the clouds that threatened to snow - watching it illuminate the rock face of the mountain even further above her location.

Once.. Once long ago, she would have laughed had someone told her that this is where she would end up.. Here on the Rogue Outcrop of Mount Dire - she would be too weak to hunt..and would end her life alone.. with only the baying of starving Coyotes to witness her passing. Sluggishly, Vlarindara could feel her heart beating.. but just as steadily as it beat.. her thoughts turned to the wolves she had met.. and those that had shaped her life..Raigo, Borden, Jaysyek.. the three most influential.

How could she hate them...? She hadn't ever told Borden 'I love you' As she should have - something he had told her long ago. She hadn't stood up for herself.. fought for her emotions when she had met Jaysyek. How could they be to blame? Borden wasn't there for her.. because he was where he was *supposed* to be.. he had pups to care for ... Those that remained. He had his mate to see to. His own life to get in order. It.. was all her fault. Every single thing she had hated others for.

For years, she had spent her time caring for others at her own expense.. but she had seen to it that she would always reserve just enough for herself to stay strong. But now? She hardly recognized herself when she looked in the waters reflection. Had in fact had little to drink from streams - instead choosing to eat the snow on the ground to avoid having to look at herself. Having to see the failure that she was. The coyotes were getting closer.. and Vlarindara had the strength to force herself to her feet and trudge further into the territory of Mount Dire.. coming across the old den of the Midnight Plateau pack..

When had things turned for her? When had she ended up here? On this mountain.. alone.. Her head hung low as she closed her eyes, old, foggy memories drifting upwards.. a face in her vision swimming as they fought off a cougar.. The feral yelp as the wolf went over the edge. Whimpering pups.. and a long walk. Angier.. one of the last times she had seen the wolf. Paws carried her closer to the den - the scents inside telling her that some mammal had made its home here in the packs disappearance. Probably some lion or another.. Instead of trifling with it, Vlarindara moved on.

She didn't know what to do, her mind..it was muddled with thoughts.. with fears.. How could she go back? She couldn't - that was that. Jaysyek would rather kill her on sight, and Vlarindara would gladly dig her own grave if it would help the white alphess to feel better. She would erase herself from Bordens life -if it would make his choices easier.. Raigo...She couldn't take back what she had done for Raigo - but...what could she do to make his hurt go away?

It was..cold.. both the snow atop Mount Dire.. and the feeling in her breast, her heart having been replaced by a codate block of ice. But even that was beginning to shatter.. Not melt - No, it felt like it would never melt again.. but shattering.. Vlar could imagine that she saw her heart as the shards of ice one might find when an icicle drops off the trees.. and lands on a rock. Dust.. glittering in the sunlight.

What did she feel? The spiraling feelings did nothing but further confuse her.. Attempts to sort things out only further miring the white female in the bog of depression she had slipped into. Those months ago - she should have stayed in the swamp, let the peat bog claim her life. But no, she had fought through it.. the almost unbearable heat of the bog... to this ice cold desolation. Each time she had come close to death - it had been alone..Was that her fate? To truly die here alone?

Eyes lifted as she followed the screeching of the raptor ahead.. realizing that not only was there one - but now a second..Both circling above her. Even the birds of the valley knew death when they saw it.. But in a way, it was a soothing thought. After all... here in Mount Dire - it was remote, put enough out of the way that none would see her death.. and even by the time the spring thaws came, naught would be left but her bones.

What...was she thinking? Once, long ago, Vlarindara would have attacked someone thinking the same as she.. She had.. things to live for, didn't she? A frown marred her brows as she trudged on..stopping near the precipice of the mountain once again, overlooking the lands of Relic Lore. From here, she could make out the forests that Grizzly Hollow called their own.. and the river-surrounded lands claimed by Swift River.. Where was Ruiko's pack? Had..any others settled in the valley? It all seemed so...meaningless when up this high.

Mere specs of nothing in the distance. Triangle ears fell from their alert positions to rest against her neck, a whine trickling from her lips. She ... missed her old pack.. Wanted nothing more than to be back amongst them once again.. but even that was impossible. Her actions had proven and made sure of that. The blame was hers.. and hers alone. Prospers death, Theo's demise. Jayayeks hatred, her sight impairment.. Perhaps in her dreams, she could find them once again? Eyes closed, and memories flashed before her - playing like an old picture.

Hunting with Borden, Jaysyek and Raigo as they left this very mountain to form Grizzly Hollow.. The birth of the pups - the first time Vlar had seen them.. Elettras arrival.. the comings and goings of the wolves in Grizzly Hollow.. Aisling and the fanatical Kiche. ..Kiche.. She supposed she had 'fatman' to thank for saving her from a public death. He had, after all roused her from her near-slumber in the snows...So that she could be here.. when the time came.

Ears heard once again the baying of the hounds, intent on rending what little flesh remained on her bones.. from the tamber - she counted three.. maybe four of the smaller creatures..Could she blame them for trailing an easy meal? Perhaps not.. perhaps she should be grateful to them.. for bringing an end to her sickness.. Not of body - but of mind.. Where her guilt had eaten at her.. leaving naught but a shell of the former creature she had been. They grew closer.. and she felt the cold growing...warmer.. opening her eyes to see that the sunlight that had broken through the clouds had warmed her body...a smile curving her maw. It was beautiful.

As fat flakes of snow began to fall, the staggering female kept moving, not sure why...but feeling the need not to remain still. Shaking legs and laboring lungs combined to bring her to the ground, collapsing when the thin, weak limbs would no longer support her meager weight. Lying there, curled in the cloister of snow, Vlarindara occupied her time thinking of her pack.. what things could have been had she only but been stronger.. Had she been able to handle her feelings for Borden. Had she been capable of remaining behind in Grizzly Hollow.. The pups.. she imagined that they were older now..

Eyes closed as her breathing grew less ragged.. evening out as she slipped closer to sleep. The wind rippled her fur - pushing aside the snowflakes as they threatened to take over, attempting to find purchase on her sides. Mired in her thoughts of the pack as she was, she completely missed when the baying of the coyotes had ended.. They'd found their quarry and found no reason to call the hunt. The four creatures trotted up on the fallen wolf and stood a respectable distance away.. Even alone, wolves were more than a match for the coyotes.

Warmth..That was all she felt. The warmth of fur against her side, the light of the sun - a gentle feeling she'd not felt since summer. Strength in her long limbs as she and Raigo raced through stomach high grass.. on the heels of a deer. Flushing it into the waiting jaws of Borden and Jaysyek. The fat, wriggling bodies of the pups as she played with them in the flat space surrounding the den... their little nips.. puppy barks.. the joy in their faces when she deigned to play with them instead of simply just watching over them...

Had she had the choice, she would have lain right there where she had fallen.. the snow gathering slowly on her pelt..the sunlight having given way to the growing dusk.. the mountain growing darker as the last lights faded. But, the choice was taken from her when the sharp bite of teeth on her flank dragged her up from the memories.. the dreams that had enveloped her.

A snarl slipped form her lips, and the Coyote skittered away, only to join its brothers in spreading out around their easy prey.. Overhead, Vlarindara could hear the carrion eaters screeching..more than two of them, she felt. But - why did it bother her now? Another snarl of warning trickled from her lips as one of the vermin approached, only to back away with a warning bark in return.

She supposed it meant 'hurry up and die already'... but she couldn't understand coyotes. Nor did she wish to. Those scavengers were beneath her.. Even as low as she had fallen. But still... Her eyes drifted closed again, the breathing of the coyotes her only company as she sought once again to release herself back into the world of dreams. To the warmth of things that would never happen.. the hope she could carry with her to the afterlife.. or whatever there was beyond for traitors like her..

Sluggishly, the snow brought her breathing lower.. the body of the wolf cooling where it lay.. her breathing growing slower.. even. Her dreams left a smile upon her lips, Reconciliation with Borden.. or rather her feelings about the masked wolf. He and Jaysyek belonged together. That much, she knew. They...She had no reason to resent either for it. Jaysyek had stood up for her feelings and caught the male.. And Vlarindara was proud of her for it - and the strength she showed in harboring and protecting the pack in his absence.

In her imaginary world, Raigo stood at their side.. the two wolves standing ahead of her with their pack ranged around them.. Within the confines of Grizzly Hollow... a coveted place she was no longer allowed in. It was Raigo that stepped away from the group, crossing the border and brushing his nose up against her hide..His words soft in her ears as he turned, beckoning her across the borders.. and it was then that the white wolf knew.. Should she accept his invitation and cross the borders, she would do so forever.. Never to be stuck on the outside looking in again...

Raigo. Borden. Jaysyek. Her golden eye snapped open to see a coyote mere inches from her face.. moving in for the kill. A snarl ripped from her lips as she surged forwards, her jaws capturing the things muzzle. As it screamed in terror, Vlarindara echoed the sound with a gutteral growl of her own. Despite their weakness, her feet found their purchase on the snows, bringing the large form once more to her full height.. a strength in her form she'd not had in months. A vigor in her heart.. a..purpose that had long since been lost.

Wrenching her head to the side, she broke the Coyotes jaw.. then lunged forwards, ivory fangs closing over warm flesh that housed the lifeblood of the thing.. then a vicious shake of her head silenced its cries permanently. Pain on her leg had her spinning, blood covered jaws gaping wide, her eyes wide open.. for the first time in a long while. The ivory weapons found their purchase, biting into the hip of the smaller creature, and it twisted, trying to bite her nose, her face.. only succeeding in scoring its teeth across her muzzle.. until it to was laying broken in the snow.

The other two realized that their quarry was not longer their quarry and tucked tail to run.. snow flying at their heels, leaving Vlarindara to snarl after them.. her breath coming in ragged pants.. her limbs shaking - but she was standing. A second howl pierced the air - a much different sound than the first.. Her breath rose into the air with the cry, the sound echoing not in agony and despair, but in victory.. discovery. Determination.

As the snow drifted from the heavens, she moved to the carcasses of the two scavengers, and with a snarl, dove on the first, tearing into it with the intensity that only one starving as she was could. For a time, her mind was carefully blank, simply concentrating on the heavenly feeling of the flesh between her teeth - gulping down her first true meal in some time.. Longer than she could remember, actually. Vlarindara stood from her meal and moved to the second, leaving the first nothing but bones.

As she dove on the second, she ravaged her meal with single minded intent. To see to it that she grew stronger. If the wolves of Grizzly Hollow hated her.. she would keep going. If Raigo...disliked her..though she truly wasn't sure... she would keep going. She had to. Even if he wanted nothing to do with her - or if he did.. Vlarindara couldn't.. wouldn't be taken care of by *anyone*. It was her duty to do that.. to take care of others.. If there was nothing else, she knew one thing.. They would need help one day.. and should that day come - she would be there.

But first.. a nap. Carrying the second of her carcasses.. Vlarindara stumbled off to a sheltered place near a rock.. where she collapsed, her kill still clutched possessively in her jaws, eyes drifting shut. The snow gathered.. drifted and covered her form - but it wouldn't be taking a life this time...not if she had anything to say about it.. Her dreams were pleasant things...her hopes for the future.. her thoughts of those she cared about - even should they not do the same for her. Yea...she was alone - but she wouldn't be dying today. Tomorrow? Perhaps.. but today...Not today.

OOC: OMG LOL... Why the hell would I mind? ;)

Sleep had taken her, leaving her lying so still that even her shallow breathing hadn't dislodged the snow that covered her pelt. Where it not for the dreams she had - wonderful dreams.. of running with faceless wolves she had yet to remember details of. Though, the names - the names she knew all too well. However, amid the fog - there was one that stood out - his details and face clear even in the cold-induced fog. Raigo. The young wolf she'd helped that long year ago. Vlarindara woke slowly, her eyes fluttering open to a sea of white - her body cold..frozen almost.

Why..had she woken? A frown marred her features before she realized that there was *something* close by.. and that something must have woken her..despite her wish to keep slumbering away. To dream until it became permanent. Through the snow that was slowly shifting off of her frame as she lifted her face, VLarindara could see four legs..be they canine or feline, she cared naught..only that they were there.. and far too close to her OR her meal for comfort.

A warning snarl grew in her chest as she released her death grip oin the frozen remains of the second Coyote. If one of those varmits had returned for his meal.. she would teach him a thing or two! Lunging form the snow where she'd previously been hidden, the silent snarl ripped from her chest as she sought to close her fangs on that shadow that walked so close.

Though - Disoriented as she was, and still learning to deal with her lack of depth perception - it was a very.. *Very* good chance that she would simply miss her mark - undershoot and snap jaws closed on air.. or miss her mark completely.

OOC: I feel bad about this >.>;

The wolf felt her jaws snap closed on nothing but air, but it didn't keep her from snarling, planting her thin legs squarely over the remains of the coyote, her head lowering as she slacked her jaws, a growl uttering from her lips. The wolfs ears pointed forwards, her single amber eye glittering in its socket before she seemed to register his words. Vlarindara didn't.. recognize Angier - he was familiar, but only the face floating in a sea of memories.. foggy and hard to recognize.

She stepped backwards, lowering her head and lifting the remains of the Coyote, her head low in shame - her entire posture having changed from defensive.. to broken. In the blink of an eye. "It would be easier to tell her you said hi, if I had a name to relay.." Vlarindara shifted, pulling her meager dinner with her by the tail - limping slightly with the wounds from the previous fight with the two mangy mongrels.

Her eyes widened as he spoke, the remains of her lunch dropping from her jaws to rest limply in the snow. She frowned, images of Angiers face from now connecting to the face from back then. Alexanders death.. the pups.. Their travel together from Mount Dire to the borders of Grizzly Hollow.. then months later seeing him as she'd been catching a boar. All of this flipped past unseeing eyes in moments as the wolf stood frozen.

A gust of wind ripped through the mountaintop and brought snow shredding through her thinned fur, leaving her shaking almost.. violently.. before she finally made the connection. Angier.. That was.. But.. what did he say? Her sluggish mind processed this new information.. and she turned to look at him, recognition swimming in the single amber orb that was left. "...S-She wants to know.. how you can't be turning away in disgust.." She would play the game..

"How can you admire a spirit that is broken?" Vlarindara lowered her head, shivering at a gust of cold and almost huddling in on herself.. lowering her haunches to the ground, hunching her shoulders up with her back to the gusty breath of the mountain gods. "A wraith but only a shadow of her former self?" The white female knew that the game was up that he'd know she knew exactly who he was...and had decided to drop the pretenses. "What are you doing here, Angier? The mountain is dangerous these days.." Despite her question, there was a gentle care in her tone... she WAS worried about him.. despite the fact that she seemed huddled in on herself.