Alone. She was alone in the world. He had left her, as she knew that he would eventually. She knew that he was in the area, somewhere near, but out of her reach. What was the point in finding him again, if he was just going to leave? It hurt, and she didn't want to go through that hurt again. He was just another liar. So she was leaving; to where, she didn't know, but her paws were carrying her in the opposite direction of where she thought he might be. As long as it took her away from this place, she didn't care.


A howl broke the silence quite suddenly. She lifted her head and pricked her ears forward, listening. Could it be...? No. Even if it was Valiant, he had hurt her. There was nothing for her in him. She kept walking, her paws nearly trailing in the snow from the overwhelming sense of defeat as emptiness slowly began to eat away at her mind. The ache was nearly unbearable this time. It wouldn't take much more to convince her that life was no longer worth living. Everything that she had ever loved had been taken away from her, and now Valiant was gone as well.


His voice surprised her; she hadn't realized she was walking slow enough for him to catch up with her. She stopped, listening, and then remained still for several moments after his voice had faded away. Finally she turned around slowly to face him, her head low and her eyes dull. She was torn between responses. Should she tell him to leave her alone? Ask him what he wanted now? Did she want to stay with him or would she rather run away and lock herself up once more?


After still more silence from her, she lifted her head a little and locked her gaze onto his eyes. There was no anger; only hurt. "I hate you," she she responded bluntly, her voice filled with all of the emotions of pain, sadness, and emptiness that she was feeling. There was still no anger. Only pain was reflected in her voice.

She didn't hate him. Not exactly. But she wanted to recoil away from him because of the hurt he had caused her and she didn't know how else to explain her feelings other than through those three simple words, which held so much meaning to the silver male. Despite her pain, she was too defeated to even flinch away from him as he moved closer, keeping low to the ground in a submissive posture. Her head hung so low and her body slumped as if she was exhausted and utterly defeated. There was no life in her eyes as there had been when they had first met, or even in their subsequent adventures.


By the time he had moved closer and whispered to her she was starting to shake, as if she was about to suddenly collapse. She let her body fall to the ground in defeat, afraid that the shaking would not stop if she kept trying to stand. With her eyes closed and her ears drooping, she tried to shut out the pain of the world. Why did everything have to hurt so much?


Her voice was barely even a whisper when she finally spoke, but he was close enough to hear what she had to say. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying as she allowed three more words to pass through her lips. "You left me..." She could bring herself to say no more than that, at a loss for words. But it was clear that she was hurting and confused by what had happened and what was going on now. She just wanted to be wanted; that was all that she needed from him. She was so afraid that he had left because he no longer wanted her around. Now that he was here she was confused. Why was he back if he no longer wanted to be with her? She felt so vulnerable and so weak. Slowly she drew her body in, curling up into a ball and covering her face with her nose. Smaller spaces or curling up like this had always made her feel safer, but this time she was still visibly trembling.

She recoiled away from him the moment that he moved, half expecting to be attacked and half startled. When he started to snarl at her she backed away quickly, her ears pulled flat against her skull. She wanted nothing to do with him - nothing at all. "No," she said, shaking her head as if she was trying to get rid of something. "No..." She was no longer Hawke. She was something else, breaking away from the reality of the situations and seeing the world - seeing Valiant - in a totally different light. He was evil. The world was evil. There was nothing here for her. She was better off dead!


"You could have told me where you were going," she accused, but the effort was only half-hearted. She didn't really care anymore. She had to get away from him; far, far away. He was evil. He was bad. There was no good in him. She had made it all up for some reason, or he had tricked her. In her mind someone was either black or white - evil or good - and there were no gray areas. He wasn't her Valiant. He was someone else - and evil Valiant. He was all evil.


Her sudden belief that he was all evil and not good was a defense mechanism called splitting. She literally split him into two beings - one evil and one good. It was a mechanism used by all pups before they were able to understand the gray areas, and for some reason she had never developed past that point. She closed her eyes and shook her head again, trying to get rid of any thoughts of Valiant. "No..." she said again, almost moaning as if she were in pain. "No!"


Suddenly she burst into action. She ran, almost looking as if she would run headlong into Valiant. Instead, she passed him and kept running, not looking where she was going. There had to be some way to regain control of herself; to make herself feel again. There. She found it. There was a thick bush with thorns at the base of a tree. She set her course for that and plunged into it at full speed. Within seconds she was tangled up among the clinging branches. Thorns bit into her skin, drawing blood in several different places. One thorn barely missed her eye. But it felt good. It gave her feeling and she began to regain control of the wild panic in her head.

Hawke flinched as Valiant pulled the brambles away from her. She had always had a severe dislike of anything pointy or sharp. The only reason she had run into the brambles was because she had been completely terrified of Valiant when he had gotten angry. She had fully expected him to attack her in some way to punish her, and fear had taken over and made her run. The brambles were really an accident.


I"Sorry," she said, her voice strained. "But I really don't remember. Was I upset when you told me?" Sometimes she had memory lapses during times when she was upset in some way - angry, sad, scared. Intense emotion made her focus on one small thing and she tended to forget anything else that happened during the time.

"I want to lead with you," she said, finally sounding determined, even a bit like a leader. She wasn't entirely sure that she wanted to lead with him, but she did want to lead. The idea of that kind of power in her paws made her feel strong and in control. And God, did she love having control over things. Then everything went her way. Everything was right in her eyes. But she wasn't sure she wanted to lead with Valiant. She had seen enough today to tell her that he was just as manipulative as she could be. The only difference was that she rarely manipulated anyone on purpose, while she was certain he did it of his own free will. But she had to hold onto him. She needed him to feel this strength; to feel whole again.


"Just tell me what to do and I will do it," she said strongly, straightening herself up. A few spots of blood marred her near-white fur where the brambles had punctured skin, mostly around her face where her fur was thinner. There was a fire in her eyes now, though they softened as she turned to Valiant and looked him in the eyes. "And Valiant," she said softly. "I'll try to control my mood swings better. I don't like them any more than I know you do." She had little control over them because she didn't know why she had them. It was confusing for her, just as it was for others. "It would help if I knew what the hell was causing them," she muttered darkly as she finished, her eyes narrowing. The small amount of anger she felt right now was directed entirely at herself, which wasn't uncommon.

She shook her head as if to clear it of the confusion that she was suffering. She truly could not remember him telling her to meet him here. She had a suspicion that he was lying, but there was no way to tell for sure and she wasn't about to accuse him of that after everything she had already put him through. She loved the fluffy silver male.

"I still don't remember," she responded, but then she shrugged her shoulders and added, "but it doesn't matter anymore. I'm here and you're here and I suppose that it's time we start doing Rhysis' bidding." Obviously she was not thrilled at the idea of doing things for Rhysis, and in some sense she wasn't. There was no way in hell that she was going to take orders from some annoying little bastard. But at the moment she had those thoughts hidden away completely, making sure to keep them from Valiant. She was an excellent liar, and she wanted power right now. Power would make her feel stronger...and she would get that power through these males.


She closed her eyes and allowed Valiant to clean her up, enjoying his touch while it lasted. She truly enjoyed his company, even if they had their issues, and she wanted things to work out. Because of that she was more than willing to try even harder to control her strange mood swings and psychotic breaks from reality. She leaned forward a bit, pressing her nose into his fur and breathing in deep. She wouldn't admit it out loud to him, but it was clear that she was nervous. It had been a long time since she had joined a pack...and a long time since she had been around more than a few wolves at a time. Would these wolves hate her, too?


She drew strength from Valiant's touch and his scent. Finally she drew away, took a deep breath, and lifted her head up higher. "I'll go, then, and try to get accepted into this pack of yours," she said with determination, though her nervousness still showed a little. Then she leaned in closer to Val once more. "I really do promise that I will try to stop causing problems. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't like it. And I don't want to hurt you."