Times had been hard. Even now, she still faced regular melancholy over the loss of her friend, the father of her firstborn… in moments like this, she was reminded of Peyter, the loss of the little boy during her first time giving birth… it was the bad that always had a way of bringing up all of the losses that they all had endured over the years.

She had been out for a walk, getting some air after checking in on all of her children who were still located within the Cove. She wanted to soon make a venture down to Dead Empress Backwater, to discuss the state of their stores with the impending winter on the horizon and already showing it’s features with Clover… but also to check in on Kateri.

She still wished she would return home.

It was then that she caught the familiar form of Chan on the horizon, a soft smile upon seeing her brother in law that still struggled to reach her eyes. “Chan… how have you been feeling?” Admittedly, she had been worried since his return at the borders, with the panic that had settled in that she’d needed herbs to draw him out of.

There was a smile and a gentle wagging of his tail, but yet her worries still persisted. He said he was good, but her mind simply lingered on the border, just as she often fretted over Nash and his PTSD… something just wasn’t right, but perhaps that was her own trauma mirroring onto him.

“I’m hanging in there.” She would not say she was good, not when she was still reeling from the death of their friend. She tried to sound upbeat even, masking in her own way without saying an outright lie, but it didn’t quite hit right. “I wanted to check on you though.” She would state, her eyes softening lightly as she fell into step beside him.

“About your return… freezing up…” She had seen it before, of course. They needed to talk about it, because otherwise she would drive herself crazy with worry… she still probably would, but at least this would give her something to ease her worries a bit.

She would not pry into his troubles, not yet and possibly not even that day… instead she focused on the physical symptoms as they had been presented. Her own numbness over everything that had happened as of late driving her to not want to ostracize the family that she had left, especially when Chan had already left once before.

“Has it happened before?” She would ask simply, feeling the question still fell within a familiar sense of comfort that the two shared as close friends and now family, even if it was not by blood. “I can help… with the physical reactions to it… there are herbs that can help draw you out of it.” She wasn’t sure if it was a recurring issue, but she knew it could be dangerous.

What if he froze up in a fight against a cougar? Or during a hunt where a moose then struck him in the face? She refused to lose everyone else; even if he would not talk to her right now, she was hellbent to at least help him manage whatever was going on.

She wished her uncle were here. He would know how to talk to Chan about something like this, but right now she was at a loss for what to say or do. She didn’t know if prying would cause more harm than good; he seemed fine right now but then they always seemed fine until they weren’t. Even herself… she was fine until she wasn’t, be it a memory or a dream… it would make her heart ache and threaten to tear her in two.

“I’ve never seen dehydration present like that before, Chan.” She would state with a frown, that worried look carrying over to her eyes. She didn’t wish to guilt him into speaking, it was not her intention, but she felt so powerless and this was something that she could help with.

“I’ve seen symptoms like this before, Chan… In Nash, in my Aunt Lilya… please, talk to me. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, not even Nash.” With that, there was a plead, a soft whine. She just wanted to try and hold them all together as best she could, as if bandaids could help fix bulletholes and their hearts weren’t already shattered into a million pieces.

She hadn’t quite been expecting her own reactions. She had viewed herself as pushing ahead, strong and powerful and there to help those around her… but in his way, unintentionally as clear by the kindness still lingering in his voice, he managed to say that one words that would shatter that image about herself.You might be so scared you’re not going to catch something, that you’re starting to see signs that aren’t there. She physically paused her gait, feeling as though the wind had been knocked out from her. For the briefest of seconds, she struggled to breathe.

Of course he was right… she was terrified of missing something, of another one of them dying around her. The crippling sense of failure she had been fighting against since her mother’s death, especially since Aleister’s death, weighing over her and washing over like a tsunami, soaking her to the core in the brutal reality that she had failed, and that she was a failure… it’s just only Chan was telling her the truth. They were all lying to her; they all saw her for what she was. She couldn’t save anybody.

It was the perfect concoction in her mind, reminding her that she couldn’t save a fly if she tried. She felt the tears beginning to prick her eyes, attempting to fight and hold them back. It was all she had done, holding back how she felt while trying to keep everyone else together. It was slowly etching out a chasm in her heart, threatening to pull her over a dangerous edge… one she had been pretending didn’t exist for so long.

And all it had to show for it was a blank look on her face, a vacant stare as she checked out from reality, frozen in place, not hearing the words that came after that. The tears would start to fall but there would be no awareness at all… she wouldn’t hear the praise, the fact that she was doing an ‘amazing job’, because instead all she heard was an echo chamber of failure and not good enough.