She preferred the nights, when things were quiet, when most of the pack life ceased. It gave her time to think, to breathe. Vanadis was trying so hard to jump back in, to be useful, but it felt strange and awkward. She hadn't found her place yet, and perhaps she never would, but she hoped that this.. feeling would go away. It had started in the Loch, a gnawing emptiness in the pit of her stomach. She thought she'd be rid of it once she returned, but it still remained. The woman thought to seek out Clover, to ask her for advice, but she kept it to herself in hopes that it would just go away on its own.

The sky was dark with broken clouds, granting her a small glimpse of stars here and there, but the moon itself had been in a near constant cover. She breathed a sigh and curled up at the base of a tree, content to watch as the world slept.

She heard him coming, heard the way his paws pressed against the soil below. They hadn't spoken since her arrival, and to be honest, she had been wondering if they ever would. Not that Vanadis felt in any way entitled to his time, but they'd both been avoiding each other. At least, she knew she'd been avoiding him, giving him space where she could.

Vana did not move as he approached. In fact, she did her best to sit still and remain quiet, hoping that her presence here would go unnoticed, so that he did not feel obliged to make awkward or uncomfortable conversation with her. Well, that and the fact that the Vamadis wasn't quite sure she'd be able to handle the rejection that she'd feel if Viorel snubbed her presence altogether, so it was just best for both of them if he didn't  notice her at all.

But he did notice. He noticed, and he waited, and his paws shifted. Vanadis lifted herself into a seated position, keeping her head lower than she would have if she were alone. "Oh. I didn't know you'd be here." How eloquent. [/dohtml]

She tried not to look at him, tried to ignore the nervous flutter in her chest. So much had happened, so much time, and distance, and loss. He was different now, he had to be, but she was different now too.

Vana's head tilted as Viorel's paws stilled. It must have been a conscious effort because there was no way he was comfortable right now. Not when her own stomach twisted and churned, not when the air felt as heavy as it did.

"I can leave - if you want." She could have said yes, could have snubbed him before he got the chance to snub her, could have made this uncomfortable feeling stop blistering her skin. She could have said yes and made all of the pressure and weight of what had happened between them go away for a little while. Maybe she should have said yes, but instead Vanadis found herself rising to her paws. "No." She said it a little too fast, a little too desperately. "Stay." Stupid. "I want you to stay."

Vanadis wasn't sure if it was an awkward or a genuine sort of giggle that bubbled up from her throat as Viorel shuffled around her, but it felt nicer than she expected it to.

Her gaze finally fixed upon him, her heart skipping a beat as she processed his question. It was familiar in a way that somehow ripped and sewed open a wound. It made her want to reach out, to nibble at the spot behind his ear or bury her muzzle in his fur, but she would not allow herself to. She forced an easy smile and offered her words with a nod, "Sure." Walking was a good idea. It would give them a place to focus, an excuse for awkward pauses and the inevitable silence that would fall between them. It took a little bit of the pressure and expectation off, so yes, a walk would be ideal.

"Everyone seems really happy that you’re back." She wondered if that 'everyone' included him, or if he had really meant to say everyone else seemed happy that she was back. But she knew that the sentiment was there, that it was offered as a starting point, and so she gave an answer, "I wasn't sure they'd accept me back." She thought for a moment before adding, "I didn't expect it, really, to be allowed to stay. It's what I wanted, but I wasn't sure.. I didn't want to assume." Didn't want to disappoint herself twice.

She motioned with her own muzzle, taking the first step in hopes that if her paws began moving, that if the two of them started walking she'd be able to ask without having to see his face, without having to watch whatever his reaction was going to be. "And what about you, how do you feel about me being back?" Because it was better to get it out of the way now, to just shove the boulder off of her spine before it broke her entirely.

She waited for his answer, her paws moving ever forward. He was angry, as was his right. She hadn't been there when he'd needed her most, when her children had needed her most.. She had left them to experience all of it alone. Vanadis should have ran faster, should have healed quicker, should have pushed herself up and out of the den before the fear overcame her, but she hadn't and that was on her. Viorel had every right to be angry. "I'm angry with myself too. I should have been there. For you and for them." Once again, the woman had to stop herself from reaching out, from preening his fur.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip

Vanadis mulled his questions over, searching for the right answer, the right string of words that would make this all go away, but formulating and spewing a response for the sake of smoothing things over would be a disservice to herself, to her children, and to her former mate. She had returned to face his judgment, to reconcile with her children. She would not rebuild the foundation on half truths and omissions. "I made the wrong choice. I hadn't thought that far. I thought maybe if we found water then we could all.. I just.. I didn't know who was still there, and I thought that maybe I could help. Maybe we could have all found a way to survive together. I don't.. I don't know what I was thinking." her head fell, defeat weighing on her shoulders. "I made the wrong choice, Vi. I'm.. I'm so sorry." Sorry felt far too minimizing, far too flat, but she didn't know how else to convey her feelings.

Her voice was much quieter as she continued, her pace slowing. "I didn't know that I was picking them over us. I didn't.. I didn't want to stay so long. I wanted to be here; I wanted to watch our children grow up. I wanted.. to know them." A mistake she would pay for, for the rest of her life. "I wanted to be here with you." Home. Where her family was. The place that she should have been.