Hard steel had coated her heart, locking the hurt within its beating walls. Vlarindara had left Grizzly Hollow's pack lands - for good or just temporarily, she didn't know. She had held out hope that perhaps in her weeks there, Raigo might stop by.. they could talk.. catch up. But it had been a hollow thing. Just as her 'home' was apparently. Jaysyek had allowed her admittance back into the pack - both white ladies mistaken apparently that she would be welcomed to see the only family she had ever known. But no, Raigo had not only avoided her, but had left - and had never had a single intention of telling Vlarindara. Sure, it was what she deserved.. but the rage that boiled in her veins wasn't from that.

Under her white pelt, she felt white hot anger.. Anger fueled by hurt.. a hurt she'd never felt even until now. He had *DEMANDED* she find a home. *DEMANDED* that she survive. For *WHAT*!? So he could ignore, shun and avoid her until he chose to return what she'd done? Until he decided to leave her? Fine. If that's the way things were, then she would sever ties with the boy she'd raised. The one she'd risked her life for.. the one she would have died for. It was obvious that her 'home' in Grizzly Hollow was a mirage, a fake. A cleverly disguised veil of lies and secrets.

Really, had she but known when he had *ordered* her to find a home, to live, that it would only be the wrong choice, she wouldn't have returned. Wouldn't have sought out Jaysyek. Vlarindara wouldn't have gone *back*. No. She would have found a hole to curl up in.. and gone to sleep as she had wanted to all those months ago.. so many times. It was a lie. Every bit of it. What did she have to make her heart beat now? What did she have to look forward to? Surely not a 'reunion' with her so-called brother. No, that dream was gone. Shattered on the ground, blown to the winds like the first pollen of spring.

The only thought in her head aside from the anger she could feel - the breaking of everything she knew.. was to get *away*. Just for a little while. Vlarindara realized with a start that her paws had carried her to the lands of Swift River -t he heart of the forest. Was this her answer? Perhaps not - but she *had* to talk to someone.. The white wolfess lifted her head and called out to him - the Lyall brother that she felt she could trust despite anything.. the one that her paws had sought out, even if her heart and mind were in turmoil. Once the note fell quiet, she began pacing, snapping her jaws for lack of another way of loosing the leashed rage that built within her breast.

She wasn't waiting long, and Vlarindara stopped her pacing long enough to see that it really *WAS* Angier approaching rather than some other wolf. At this point, Vlarindara wasn't honestly sure if she would have been able to handle another wolf - or be remotely nice to them.. The gnashing of her jaws ceased only long enough for her to form the words, the wrinkled lips drawing back over her fangs. "It was a farce. *Every* single bit of it. A sweetly coated lie." She returned to pacing, tail coiled tightly over her hips in a kind of pom-pom.. more out of irritation and general tensed muscles than dominance.

Her heart had been barred against pain - she'd opened up.. and had it ground apart. It was what she deserved, she knew. After all - she'd been the first to cast the stones and leave.. Even Raigo.. Who had disappeared all those months ago.. when Vlar was still the Second of Grizzly Hollow. She had forgiven him instantly when he returned - and would have done the same each and every time.. Yet when the situation was reversed? She was shunned, hated.. Cast away. "Not a *single* thing was true." Not a word he breathed -not a thing she had believed.

Even now - how could she believe that whatever Angier might say would be truth? The snarl bubbled up between her lips, roiling over her tongue before those jaws began snapping together again, hackles bristling. For lack of anything ... or anyone better to tear into, she had little else to use to vent her pain. Vlarindara was distraught - in more ways than she cared to attempt to decipher.. And it was something she had absolutely NO idea how to release.. Aside form pacing... snapping her jaws. Hunting would have worked - had she been able to do so.

Vlarindara pounded out a few more steps in either direction before she finally stopped, forcing herself to sit on her haunches. Alot of it had to do with the fact that Angier had taken a physical step *Backwards*...Which had been an added blow to her psyche. She really wasn't that imposing. Sure, she'd filled out somewhat, but was still fairly thin as far as healthy weight went. To refrain from snapping at him, Vlarindara forced herself to breath - to focus on calming the angry pounding of her heart down. "Raigo. He ran off once - got lost.. for months. I worried. I looked. I checked our den what must have been thousands of times.. He returned and not once.. did I question it. Not *ONCE* did I feel anger towards him for it."

Lifting her ears, she watched him quietly, the anger draining slowly from her as she spoke - unloading the hurt off her chest. The outlet she wasn't aware that she needed. "Not...once did I turn him away. He could have run away again.. and again and every time I would have welcomed him back *home*... Just happy to see him safe.. To care for him as long as he needed me.. Without a regret.. or second thought.." Her head lowered, injured ears folding against her skull with a muted whine. "The...first time I left.. he was angry with me.. because I'd abandoned him. The second time.. even more so.. even going so far as to banish me from pack lands, telling me to find a home - because I wasn't allowed to die." It was obvious that she was speaking of her recent state.

A chink in the wall around her heart had formed as she realized how one-sided the love between the two 'siblings' had become. "I was given little choice.. but to find a home.. So I did as he asked - his words telling me that only Jaysyek could accept me back...I asked. She accepted me back into Grizzly Hollow. I've been there for *weeks*... Yet I've seen not a single fur on his hide in my time there. I've vrossed his scent markers multiple times - some mere moments older than I had crossed.. He's been avoiding me. The entire time, he ignored me. Even after I was attacked and the old second sought my *life*.. he did nothing. I assume he was simply standing by just *WATCHING*.. waiting for me to die. But I didn't." Her growl had returned, the hackles rising along her skin.

Rage that had ebbed began to grow once again, her lips drawing back of their own accord. "No. I'm willing to bet that was his wish. To see me killed so he could feel 'vindicated' in his choice to avoid me. Not *ONCE* would I have turned him away. I devoted.. *EVERYTHING* to him before my first departure. I would have.. and up until this morning.. STILL would have lain my life down for him. If I had but known his words were pretty lies." The snarl grew, her jaws snapping together - though it was through sheer force of will that Vlarindara managed to remain seated. "I had hoped to catch up to him.. to show that I was making strides to survive.. as he asked. No.. he *ORDERED* me to. But never once.. Always avoiding me."

Instead of simply speaking to her - Raigo had hidden, shunned, banished in his own way. "I would have given *EVERYTHING* for that boy. I did as he bade, I found a home. I did as ordered and ate.. started to turn around. Then what do I find? That he's summoned Jaysyek to attend him this morning at dawn." She would never have resented his departure in the first place.. just as she had every time - she would have accepted him back.. Except his words and actions were completely opposite. "He summoned our leadess so he could leave. Had I not followed, it would have happened without a *SINGLE* word passing between us. a SINGLE word! I don't even warrant so much as a 'fuck you' or 'piss off and die'"

"No. He was going to slip off into the woods like a COWARD.. Never having had to face the pretty lies he thought up. I had thought we were closer. I had thought that there was something more tangible between us. But I find out that *whoever*...*what*ever I used to know as Raigo died a long time ago. His actions proved that *EVERYTHING* he told me was a lie. He was just using me from the beginning to fuel his own selfish sense of righteous divinity." Vlarindara once more returned to her feet, the rage back in full force -the hurt.. the pain ripping itself from her throat in the vocalized growls and snarls.

Despite everything she had done for him...the fact that no matter how many times he may have run off... or even wanted to - the fact that every time she would have welcomed him home..he threw it back in her face. Proving that the 'Grizzly Hollow Second' wanted nothing but some twisted sense of feeling right. He never loved her. He never once cared for her. "When he was missing.. I looked high and low. I *tore* this place apart. When I returned.. I stayed in our den for *MONTHS* ... and not ONCE did he ever venture there to look for us..a place that we'd lived a good portion of our first few months in the valley. Do you know what that tells me?"

A single amber eye glanced at Angier through the rhetorical question before she continued. "That he never bothered to look. Not once did his scent even come CLOSE to the den in Riddle Heights. Not *ONCE* did he go looking for me. Not.. once did he care about me. I'm just another pawn in his games.. a piece of bark to sweep off the ground that DARES to litter before him." She was losing steam, the despair taking hold now that she'd vented quite a bit. "When...did I start living the lie? Why did I even bother coming back? I returned to Grizzly Hollow for *HIM*... it's a lie. All of it. What reason do I ahve to stay there now? To remain and tear the pack apart more?"

"Returning was the worst thing for Grizzly Hollow. They lost Elettra - the second who tried to kill me my first night back. And now, Raigo. The pack is losing strength.. All because I believed such pretty little lies....I believed in "family" and "love". Every word of it a stone-faced lie.. said to make those weak of heart follow blindly." She might be physically blind - but the entire ordeal had rather sharply opened her eyes.

After all - how much could one take before becoming bitter? "How am I to believe in anything? Anything said could be as prettily painted of a lie as the venom that spewed from his jaws. I won't be trapped again. I won't get hurt like that again..." No. No one would do that to her anymore. She refused to let it. If they wanted her to believe somthing -then by god, they'd better be willing to back it the hell up with action. Talk was just that. Pretty. Painted. Words.

Little did she know, despite the belief that she wasn't finished with her rant, Vlarindara had run out of steam. The anger had run its course, leaving her bone-weary and exhausted. Much like she would be had she been able to cry.. The wolfess heard Angier's gentle tone and sighed, her hind limbs folding and dropping her unceremoniously to her rump on the ground. "I don't know." What else? What could he do to help? Nothing.. Not a word would change her mind - even at this point.. should Raigo *DEIGN* to venture from whatever hole he went into to find her, not even his words would change her mind. The actions of the younger male had spoken far louder than his words, and those actions had left a scar upon her memory.

Oil had stained her heart - the feelings she once had for the boy.. Like an old movie, the tape had stretched and finally torn leaving the reel useless for naught but the garbage heap. She felt .. Vlarindara wasn't sure what she felt, instead staring mutely at the ground between her paws. "I don't.. know what I should do. I....had thought the Hollow was my home - but it was just a lie.. A pretty one.. But a lie nonetheless." Somber amber gaze lifted, her left eye focusing on his uninjured eyes for a moment before she dropped it to the new shoots of grass.

Spring had come - and with it, the new growths that had shot up after the last snows. Usually.. spring meant good things, but now it seemed almost a death toll. "The pack is weak.. they've lost both of their seconds within weeks of each other.. I...I feel obligated to stay.." Ears rotated back against her skull with a frown as she glanced once more up at Angier. "I...want to do something.. I want.. to fight to get my place as Second back.. But...what if I'm not rally wanted? What if I was only accepted because Jaysyek thought that Raigo would like to see me?"

Time had proven that wrong - and now she was as lost as ever. Did she remain in Grizzly Hollow and attempt to power her way up the ranks to regain her place as second? Or... did she leave to do what Raigo so obviously wished of her.. to find a hole to crawl up into and die? Vlarindara didn't know.. but she knew that she really didn't *WANT* to do what Raigo wanted.. but.. where else did she have to go?

The touch to her temple had her shifting to look at him, inclining her head to brush her muzzle against his darker fur with a soft sigh. Vlarindara wanted to just...forget. Everything. To forget all that had happened to her - to move on and enjoy life.. But it was hard. The ivory wolfess leaned into his side slightly, ears rotating back against her skull before she sighed. "I just wish..." That things had been different.

Her heart no longer pined for the Lyall that led Grizzly Hollow - but instead for the other Lyall that traversed the lands. Still.. she wished that it had been Angier she'd met in her first months here.. not Borden. Perhaps her life would have been different, perhaps things would have repeated - but at least she'd know where she stood with the Lyall. They were stuck apart as it was.

A sigh before she leaned further into Angiers side, as if forcing him to support some of her weight before she frowned at him. "What will you do.. if ...if I stay and Grizzly Hollow remains weakened?" She wasn't honestly sure she could *LEAVE* the pack if it would mean the pups would suffer.