I'm not your son.

Still the words stung her. She felt so ashamed of herself for the way she'd reacted to her son, and she grimaced when she remembered the way she'd given him a sound slap for disobeying her, because she couldn't control her own anger. She refused to lose him- not to another wolf, and not to his beliefs. She couldn't stand the thought of having him grow up and doubt that she was his mother. She couldn't tell him the truth, but she wanted him to accept her as his mother anyway. Even if he had been an orphan, he wouldn't have remembered his mother anyway. The way the story went, she'd found him almost immediately after he'd been born. His 'maternal mother' would have spent less than an hour with him. And still he'd rejected her, even though she'd raised him herself thus far.

Part of her still believed she'd done the right thing- she had to make sure he wouldn't get himself hurt or killed...But there had to be an easier way, there just had to be. Why couldn't he love her unconditionally, the way Nova and Aponi loved Naira? Why couldn't he just follow her rules because she was right, and he loved her? Why couldn't he just make things simple?

She moved along the mountain toward the fearsome gorge, scouting out any scent trails left behind mountain goats. She found very little but wasn't terribly surprised- they likely avoided this territory all the same. The drop was steep and the climb was craggy, but she moved along nimbly, even though she was so distracted. The cool evening breeze pushed at her, as though trying to punish her for the way she'd treated her son. And when she couldn't reason with herself any more, she sat down, hung her head and felt the tears stream down her cheeks.

While she knew it was not fit for the pack's second-in-command to sit and lallygag, she could not help but give herself the freedom of the moment. The wind helped to clear her thoughts, though she still felt muddled and confused. Had she done the right thing by perpetuating this lie? Was she doing damage to her own son by lying to him day in and day out? Or was she doing the right thing and protecting him from death by telling him and all the other wolves in the pack that he'd been an orphan? She was still not sure she wanted to know the truth; but for now, it seemed like no matter what she did, she'd feel wrong in one way or another.

She did not hear or smell Faol as he approached, not until he closed the small gap between them and took his place at her side. Her head lifted slightly in surprise but she did not turn her face to him, as she did not want for him to see the sombre expression or the tears that ran slowly down her cheeks. Instead, she accepted his presence and welcomed him there, moving sideways so that she could feel the warmth as it left his fur, and lean against his tough shoulder. Wordlessly, she sank against him, and leaned her head against his shoulder, nuzzling her muzzle into the thick fur of his neck to hide the eyes which were glazed over with tears. She didn't know what to say, or if she had the strength to say anything, so instead she simply welcomed him into her heart and leaned against his shoulder with the faith that he would not pull away.

She was grateful that Faol did not move away, nor did he try to pry her gaze up to meet his. She'd since controlled her tears and now only felt the pain of a lump in her heart, like a smouldering piece of coal which weighed heavily upon her soul, cruel and hot. She felt better having Faol there, quiet and patient, allowing for silence to exist as long as she needed it to. He allowed her that peace which gave her the strength to find words and breath which would not be interrupted by a trembling fear.

"No," She said, shaking her head gently. She'd felt the thrum of a growl threatening Faol's voice when he wondered aloud if anyone had hurt her. She knew he'd meant physically, though in truth, Mercy had hurt her, just not in the way that she thought Faol meant. And right now, she knew that she was the one who'd hurt herself, with this tangle of lies surrounding the true parenthood of her son. "It's Mercy." She said, her tone no longer so sad, but with a tinge of frustration to show that she was at her wit's end.

She was a first time mother and felt lost. She didn't want to admit it, because she felt it made her sound young and foolish, incapable of dealing with a child. But it would have been so much easier, she thought, had he actually been raised as her son- if she'd been able to tell everyone the truth. Mercy wouldn't have any reason to doubt himself then. "He's getting to the point where he's questioning me because I'm not his biological mother."

Faol's suggestion was an intelligent one- to tell Mercy that he wouldn't have otherwise survived, but this was something that the boy already knew. The suggestion, heartfelt and with the intention of possibly alleviating the pain, brought a wan smile to Sagacity's face. She was touched that he'd thought of doing something like that- it was the same thought that came to her mind very often...If only he could see that she was doing everything she could for him, but the boy was young, foolish and stubborn. Children often went down that path- she had as well, but it had ended with her leaving her family behind, and as much as she knew she should've understanded the want to be independent, she couldn't bear to see Mercy leave just because he felt like he didn't belong.

"He knows," She said softly, eyes flickering up to his for a moment. The smile had faded from her features once again to a gentle frown. She shook her head gently. "He's just so stubborn. I think it makes him feel like we're pitying him, or that he wasn't supposed to happen, I think." She said. She paused for a moment, considering a thought which had always haunted her. She considered her words carefully before she spoke again.

"Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been more prudent to lie; tell him that I was his mother, and that his father had left, or passed away." She said. "At least he wouldn't feel out of place, and he wouldn't be loved any differently." She said. "I think it'd be too hard, though...Lying to him, for his entire life." And what a contradiction it was, for her to be saying that- considering that she was doing just that anyway.

What Faol said about himself as a youngster did marvels to brighten Sagacity's mood. She smiled a bit and looked up at him, her eyes no longer filled with sadness but rather with warmth. Here he was, putting up with her, when she was in one of her weakest states yet. She did not like to look weak or vulnerable, but while he was by her side she felt neither of those; she didn't feel ashamed anymore, by her reaction. He'd simply accepted it, and had embraced her all the same. And now here he was, like a guardian angel, seeking to comfort her and bring a smile to her face. She wasn't completely sure that he was being honest- but when she considered her own childhood, and the way she'd left well before she should have, she found his story all the more believable. Maybe he was right- Mercy would grow out of it. "I think you're right," She said. And I can only hope he grows into a man like you, She thought, and seriously considered vocalizing those very words, but kept them quiet instead, not knowing whether it was appropriate to say them or not.

When he spoke about lying and how it might be a detriment, Sagacity had a difficult time trying to figure out what she should do. Technically, she already was lying to him. Faol seemed to think that eventually Mercy would find out the truth and she looked up at him then, but then reminded herself of the fact that she alone knew the truth. Not even Rhysis knew that he'd fathered a son. Unless she told him, no one would ever know that Mercy was in fact her biological son. So when Faol told her it wouldn't be a good idea to lie, she had to reverse the scenario, and take his words to mean that in her situation, she shouldn't tell him the truth. Not for a while, anyway. She didn't necessarily agree with Faol when he said that secrets couldn't last forever...Not in this situation. Not when the truth could potentially get them both killed- and it might get Faol kicked out of the pack as well for helping to perpetuate her lie, even though he didn't know it existed. It was much safer for all concerned if she didn't tell Mercy the truth. Not until she was sure absolutely no one would be hurt- at least physically- from it.

Instead, of continuing with her lie, she instead spoke the truth to Faol, though he wouldn't have known all the undercurrents that swept below her words. "I wish it could be simple. I wish he was mine, without ever having known any different, so we could live as a normal family. It's all I want," She confessed. "I want a family. A functional family."