The itch was still there, having died down once winter dug its vicious claws in and Senka was busy caring for her pack yet it had been inflamed ever since her brother had came to visit. Never taken for one to explore, it was clear something had been struck up in her brother when she saw him and though she begged him to stay, he left not long afterwards. The dame couldn’t understand it. Why, after so long of being content and happy with pack life, other than one or two times, did it have to come back?

And after Rayne’s leaving it had taken everything within Senka not to chase after him, to follow in his footsteps and curb the hunger that cried out in her heart, to forget the pain that ached to be relieved by her travelling paws. But she couldn’t abandon her pack, not now or ever. Her life had been pledged to her pack and no matter how quietly the winds whispered in his ears or ruffled her fur, she wouldn’t follow. She couldn’t. Her duty as pack hunter wouldn’t allow it. As far as her knowledge extended, unless there was a new unknown wolf-her memory went back to the female that had called for her leaders not that long ago and wondered if she had been accepted-There were no skilled hunters within the pack. Only Senka. If Senka left, even for a brief amount of time, they would notice. Notice the drop in caches and why her scent was no longer as strong as it once was. She could ask Elettra or Angier to go after her brother, under the guise of being worried for him. But the guilt of lying to her leaders would remain and what if there was no want to go back? To return to the pack of Willow Ridge? Would she keep wandering until the guilt gnawed at her heart and soul, forcing her to go back and grovel?

And yet, here she was, once again skirting about the borders of the packlands, her heart pounding and nerves screaming at her to just go before someone found her and wondered what she was doing. But at the same, her heart tugged painfully, reminding her of the pack that whose leader had so graciously taken her in despite her oddities. Could she do it? There was a knowing if this time, she left, there was no turning back. The tug was far too strong and the determination that she would return would wane, the longer she stayed away. The freedom to do what she wanted, to sleep under whatever stars she wished...

And Senka knew she’d blurt it out. Let her problems tumble over her tongue and slip threw her fangs because really, that’s all she had been doing each and every time she came into contact with another wolf.
weak a cruel voice taunted in her head. pathetic Her limbs begun to shake unconsciously as a small whimper was held back. No, she wouldn't be weak in front of Angier. She would stay strong. She had held on so far, had kept everything in check and order so nothing would fall to wreck and ruin.

...But how much longer could she hold on? The ache in her heart, begging her to spin around and run, now. do it and the voices whispering in her head how she was nothing and she couldn’t keep acting like a normal wolf because really, who was she kidding? Yes, she had told Elettra of her ability but since when had she actually used it? Not since stepping into this land, that was for certain. And the pack was relying on her. There was an unspoken promise to feed the pack, to keep them as healthy as possible but how could she, when there was not even a morsel of food to be found any more? Every day she checked the game trails and scoured the land but at the best of times, she saw only fleeting images of prey. Pawprints here and droppings there, rivers and creeks too frozen over for her to crack the ice, taunting her. As if saying ‘We were here but you can’t get to us!’ Yet she couldn’t run, no she wouldn’t.

There was loyalty and promises to keep. Friends to see. She hadn’t seen Skana or Guiness in a while but the thought of leaving them behind hurt more then it should have. The thought of leaving any of her pack mates behind hurt.

Why did it hurt though? She knew them all yes, but only by name and scent really and there were several scents that no longer dwelled in the pack lands and often times, the dame wondered what had happened to them. Two she knew had died but of the others? There was no idea and Senka dreaded to know what happened to them. Sema’s body flashed in her mind and she shuddered.

Quickly though, the female realised Angier was still there, probably wondering why the hunter for his pack was staring blankly ahead. Taking a deep breathe and forcing herself to finally speak with an even tone, Senka plastered a tight smile on her muzzle as she bowed to him and creeped close enough to nudge her nose in greeting to his chin before backing away. ”Is there anything can I help you with Angier? fool the voice hissed. go away Senka begged within her mind, already feeling like she was teetering on the edge. If they kept going, she tumble over and she feared for the consequences. It was a sciamachy that was currently clashing inside of Senka, a shadow that she desperately hoped Angier didn't pick up on. Though she had spoken briefly with Elettra, there hadn’t ever been an in depth conversation about it. Never was there the mention of voices in her head and the explanation of her wandering ache was never fully told.

Ducking her head, a true small smile crossed her face. “It was no problem, and no need for any thanks. I was simply doing my part as part of the pack. I hope she didn’t give you any trouble, after I left.” Lifting her head once more, her eyes flittered over him. They were searching for any new wounds, though the reasonable part of Senka’s mind told her there shouldn’t be. She had heard the howl to call Elettra soon after her leaving. Not to mention Adelaide hadn’t seemed to type to attack for anything. Least of all in this harshness. To Senka, Angier was rather kind in seeking her out to thank her though, and she understood that he hadn’t been in the position of leader very long either. He held the role well so far, at least in her opinion. There was no knowledge of the entire story but there was no curiosity to pry any further.

Yet when he asked if everything was alright, her breath rattled in her chest and she couldn’t stop her golden amber eyes from getting slightly misty. No, no. Don’t cry in front of him. NO. That is not allowed. Oh, why was she breaking down now, of all the times? The urge to tell him, to let it all spill out grew even larger.

Senka attempted to make herself calm down and tried to better school her features. It didn’t matter how badly she wanted to tell Angier that no, everything was not fine, that she wanted to beg him to take away the voices in her mind and to ease the pain beating in her restless heart. No, she wouldn’t give in. He had much bigger problems than just her silly desire to explore.

Like looking after a pack. Looking after her, since she was apart of that pack.

But her burdens weren’t his. They were hers and hers alone.

“Of course everything is fine,” The words were shot out quicker than a frightened rabbit out of its den at the question. liar liar, fur on fire shut up . “Nothing to worry over, really. Merely a little stressed is all. There’s precious little to find in ways of food lately and though I’ve managed to find a few morsels here and there, I’ll be glad when spring finally comes and the herds hopefully with it...” Knowing she was rambling, the dame shifted her paws before realizing she was still bordering on the edge of the territory. In backing away from Angier from her greeting, her back paws had crossed the line while her front were still settled firmly in the snow inside it. Panic shot through her at the realisation, like a lightning strike and while half of her was pleased at this and shouted at her to stop being foolish and just GO, the other half was convinced her it wasn’t the right thing to do.

Tell him. He’ll understand! no, he won’t. Why did she fear speaking of this more than her ability? That’s what she should be truly fear telling him but fear of the unknown, fear that he would cast her out without thought at the merest mention of wanting to leave the pack, cast a much darker fear than fear of being seen as slightly quirky and insane. The latter which she greatly feared she was already.

”That would be much appreciated. But only if you allow me to return the favour.” There was an understanding that food was scarce

He then continued on, looking at her as if he was trying to decipher something.

"But you would tell me if there was somethin' bothering you, right?” There was a pause and Senka drew in breath, her blood pounding in her ears. “We're...pack. You can trust me."

Oh no. Oh no no.

At those words, the huntress felt somthing break inside of her and she couldn’t hold back tears anymore. They trailed down her cheeks and her legs, so wobbly before, gave out beneath her. The burnt sienna dame fell into the snow, her sobs loud and uncontrollable. In her old pack, there were only three wolves she trusted and who trusted her back. To hear those words from Angier, a practically unknown wolf to her...For him to tell her she could trust him ....

Why did this hurt so much? Her head pounded and her body shook. She treated her ability so blatantly, without so much as a care in the world. It was a part of her, something she couldn't change. But this ache, it made her want to change who she was, wanted her to be something disloyal and everything she wasn’t!

”No, everything’s not alright.” The fae managed to croak out, her voice cracking and almost inaudible to Angier’s ears. It felt like a war was waging inside of her and it hurt. One side of her wanted to leave and never look back, not caring for the other side, the loyal pack wolf that wanted to stay and care for her pack. And that’s the side that Senka wanted to keep, because deep down she knew if she gave into her wanderlust, she would the loyal and caring side would disappear from her completely. And she feared that outcome. Feared what it could change her into.

Would she become like her sister?

”Have you ever felt like just running away? Wanted to feel the burn of pain in your paws and legs so badly that you didn’t care if they started to bleed and beg for rest? Wanted to run freely with the wind? They were falling freely now, like a dam and there was no way to clog the flow of words. {b}”Sleep where you wanted, under the stars? Have no worries or responsibilities? I want to do that. I want to leave and never come back.”[b/] A small voice told her she was being childish. Of course everyone wanted to do that.

Dropping her head when he finished, Senka smiled at him wearily.

"I know I won't be the same if I leave." She agreed shakily. "It's what I fear, really. More than the wanderlust.” She whimpered lowly, tucking her limbs.

However, her brain stopped when a second later, the fact he was essentially blessing her way spilled into it, telling her that if she wanted to, she could leave.

No, you’re meant to stop me! Part of her wanted to scream at Angier. Not meant to encourage! Tell me I’m being stupid, tell me I have to stay! Please.

He was giving her the chance to leave, without fault. Senka turned her head, feeling her skin prickling and the fur on the nape of her neck rising in both uncertainty and eagerness. This was her chance, to run and flee, to give in to the feeling that haunted her entire life.

And suddenly, for some reason, Senka didn’t want to go. No longer wanted to leave. Something still the itch, the whisper in the winds that tickled her fur.

Why?

Then she remembered the words Elettra offered Senka the first time they ever met. The matriarch of the pack accepted her without a blink of an eye, even after the telling of her past. And now, Angier was doing the same. Accepting her for who she was and it muddled Senka’s mind greatly. She wasn’t used to this, wasn’t used to just being so accepted without a second thought.

Being jeered at and teased, not trusted and being called a traitor and filth. That’s what she was used to. Acceptance and trust were almost foreign concepts to her.

But why the urge to stay, which was now stronger than the urge to leave?

because if you leave now, you’ll die. So will they Her mind reminded her of the snow and cold, the hunger and fretful nights it caused even protected in a pack, that awaited her if she left now. Her stomach roiled at the memory of Sema laying sprawled in the snow, looking so thin and starved, with ribs showing that surely weren’t just from being left out to the elements.

She’d leave in the spring, perhaps even the summer if she could hold out that long. Help replenish the pack’s caches and put on some weight. She owed Willow Ridge and its leaders that much, at least.