Sacred Grove let me hold your heart

Aiyana Tainn

I walk upon the river

Darkness.

The old, familiar scent of loam, the fading smell of summer's rich grass and warm winds. The only thing she had known - the only season - was slipping away, rapidly spilling into something of decay, of naked trees and twisting branches, a firestorm of colors sweeping through. And the green, it gave way, slowly but surely turning into this other thing. With its passing - or the coming of the yellow and red? - her fur grew thicker, shaggier, covering some of her puppy slimness. At first it had bothered her, as she had not known anything else, but it soon became obvious that all the wolves' coats were growing rougher. And when she met her first frost, she knew why it did.

That night had been her coldest night ever, though in the den it had been warm as ever, piled up against Rissa and poor, lost Mother. But somehow, the disappearance of her brothers and father had not altered her world as much as it, maybe, should've; she saved those thoughts for later, eyes alight in the monochrome night, and thought instead of the frost. It had been beautiful - breathtaking, even, as it had shimmered silver upon every surface in the moonlight. But it had been cold. The great, dark vault of the sky had been pitch black, the dots of the stars nothing but distant reflections of the frost upon the ground: chilly, unyielding, the moon a block of ice. The wind had drawn its icy fingers through her fur relentlessly, licking against her skin and stealing the warmth from her soul. Even her breath had pooled into something white and cold, a cloud of mist in front of her face, before disappearing. She had never before known that breath had a shape. Why did they not see it when it was warmer?

Tonight was not so cold, as to bring frost, no. For a moment she had sat right outside the den, watching the world and how it didn't seem so different when the light was gray - you couldn't really see that the trees were fiery instead of green, or that the grass was brown and dying... Besides, she felt uncomfortable leaving Mother alone for too long. She sighed, picked up her furry behind from the cold night ground, and slowly began to pad away in the darkness. She loved her mother and her sister, but being near that well of sorrow was overwhelming - it soaked through skin into the soul, a smothering blanket of helpless rage and grief across her heart. She couldn't breathe. Out here, she could.

She had loved her kind, adoring father; he had been a barricade against the pack, should they crowd in upon them, silly and playful but strict when they crossed a line. She had loved her younger brother Torrel, his rowdiness, and energy. An as she loved her pack, she had loved her older brother Rihael, but never been as close to him.

Yet, it was Rissa she felt her soul had welded itself against, a deep connection. If it had been Rissa, and not Torrel, that father had taken, surely Aiyana's heart would've broken in two and her world been torn asunder.

Of course, she missed them - but if they came back, she wasn't going to welcome them. Her golden eyes narrowed in the darkness for a moment as she picked her way through the Sacred Grove. She needed to be free. To think - not lie in that stifling den, being drowned in a soul-deep sorrow and grief. Her father, the father who had sworn he loved Aiyana and her siblings and her mother, had left them. Taken a piece of their hearts and gone. She could have no love, no longing, for someone who did such a thing. Her heart hardened, a faint growl running out of her mouth. What they had done, could be described in a single word: unforgivable. And she had to live with the aftermath, the wreck of her mother, and she was powerless to help Corinna. She couldn't turn back time. Could only make sure that she slept in the den, and never went out of the Grove; never threatened to disappear.

She wasn't a good enough hunter yet. She stayed out of love and out of duty, refusing to cave in like her coward father had done - but it could not stop her from taking nightly walks. If Indru wanted to leap out of the shadows and abduct her, she'd fight him. Besides, she was just outside the borders, padding along, trying to cool off.

It was too easy to get angry, when you were hurt.

like it's easier than land

Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill

If I go crazy then will you stillcall me superman?

Liar, liar, liar, cut your tongue, and die in a fire. The phrase had been conjured in his dreams by faceless voices lit with smoke, white flames, and a cowering tawny silver wolf he wanted to hurt so badly. So much he shook in his sleep, his heart thrummed much to unnaturally, and he would wake to pain in his own paw by his own teeth. Damn him. Triell could certainly not curse him enough. How many times had he gone, left and returned? Too many, he bitterly though, licking his thick black hair across his limb where it had smarted.

When he was a child he had remembered he had went without him, back to the Lore and Triell had surely thought he had been left...thought his little heart would explode from the panic and pain. His heart must be strong he decided for it should have died long ago. Maybe, it did? Surely, it was not what it once was. It must be dark, and hard like stone. He wasn't sure, he still loved, but he was sure he hated more.

A flick of his tongue over his jowls he continued his jaunt along the river. He was tired of the nightmares that ate him, and he often tried to avoid sleeping except in the sunlight. The sunlight could give him a false sense of safety that he wouldn't fall to those dark dreams. Sometimes he had to sleep at night, because he was trying to do so much in the warm day. Marsh was Leader now and doing a fine job Triell was wanting to make up for all the wrong. It was a lot to be two wolves when he was only one. A growl rumbling in his chest he suppressed the pathetic thought, and let his nose tell him about the Grove. There was many creatures in there preparing for the harsh winter, and many a memory he could hold onto. He had after all had his first hunt here with Cori. He did not want to conjure up her face either. Looking upon her was looking upon a wounded creature he could not help mend. It was something that cut to deep, deeper than the other wounds.

A bit of a groan he shuffled long Marsh's line, merely backing it up here and there. Everyone should know the pack's strength, and leave no room for doubt. When Triell padded quicker he was sure he caught something else to the air. He paused in his walk, a bit befuddled. Aiyana? Wasn't she the little lady of the night. Did she have trouble sleeping to? The pain was more tangible, and he could feel his chest wanting to fill as if he was sucking in water to drown. Damn he hated that feeling, he would have rather been in real water, letting it suffocate him than this. It was so much easier to fight.Triell put his mind to the task of seeking her out, breathing deep the fall night.

A twist and turn he was sure he saw her own dark coat, the clip of white she had. Sometimes he had a hard time looking at her, as if she could be his pup, his sister, or a miniature of his mother. Sometimes he wished he was blind, would that make the pain easier? He would not see it? Pain, pain was strange thing, he would likely never escape. A raise of his tail he scouted to see if her sister was trailing her too, but he did not see Rissa or anyone else. Poor soul, he hoped she was not looking for what she would not find. He had often looked too. Coming round so maybe she would notice his own dark shadow in front of her, he let his voice reach out. "Aiyana Tainn you'll do well not to worry your mother," his voice was gentle, quite soft and smooth with warmth to break all the cold.

(This post was last modified: Nov 16, 2012, 06:20 AM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

Aiyana Tainn

I walk upon the river

She was alone with the darkness, with the night birds singing songs of winter and frost, with her own breath pluming into the chilly air. She was a shadow slipping through shadows, her fierce, golden gaze muted, tarnished, when the sun was hiding. The familiar outline of familiar trees met her eyes, the familiar wind sighing through the familiar branches and bringing familiar scents and familiar sounds: she was suffocating, as if someone had pushed moss into her nose and mouth, keeping her from breathing properly. She was drowning, but there was no water to escape from. She kept walking - what else could she do? Walk it off, work it off, the mind attached to the lithe body said. Slender legs pushed aside bowed blades of grass, brushed against tree trunks and stones, thinking about the slithering of a red, yellow and black snake. Thinking about golden eyes and pain.

Another familiar scent drifted in on the wind. Triell. Was he out at night, too, haunting the darkness with his sorrow and frustration, his helpless anger and grief? She had always liked him, except when he broke up her and Rissa's fights - he looked like her, but thicker, more masculine, older. He understood their pain, shared it, tried to entertain them and keep them happy.. but it was a doomed task, and day by day she'd found herself slipping into depression. The old routine had little meaning, and less comfort. When the pain had been raw, she had not minded the pile of of cubs and mother, the worried eyes everyone wore, the way they avoided speaking of Indru, for fear of setting off a wave of angst through the entire pack: she had found comfort in the coddling of her older siblings, in the familiarity of the Grove, of not going anywhere. But now, it was stifling. It held her in place, forcing her to linger when all she wanted to do was move on. Aiyana stopped where she was, allowing her eyes to scan the darkness, seeking the form of her uncle - ah, there, a ripple of movement, the hazy outline of his thickening fur. She could see the dim movements of his legs, of his tail, of his jaws, ears, eyes: she could hear the whisper of his fur as he opened his mouth, words laced with warmth to bridge the gap between them.

Perhaps he had sought to soothe her pain, or to establish some common ground for them - to find a connection, a place to start. Perhaps he was trying to jest, but his heart was too heavy to carry it through. Whatever he had sought to do, it surely wasn't what he got: something in her mind snapped, caved in on itself, and with a growl she realized she'd had enough. Her ears swept forward through the darkness, her gaze seeking a line between her eyes and his, burning in the darkness as she for the first time tasted true anger. "I don't care anymore!" she snapped, her tail stiff behind her; nowhere near as tall or thick as he, but not caring about that either. If he wanted to solve the problem by beating her up, let him. "Aiyana Tainn you'll do well not to worry your mother," she said, a mocking pitch to her voice as the words slipped from her mouth. Unlike Marsh, she had no trouble understanding or using words - she just seldom did, preferring the language of the body to the language of the tongue. When she had been a pup, her speech had been short and clipped - these days, she could, and on occasion did, use full sentences. This situation required words, though, as much as she hated it - what would Marsh have done, if he was in her situation? Bowl Triell over, snap at him, and be done with it?

"I don't care!" she yelled, at the heels of her mockery. "I don't care if I worry my mother! I've been good, I've been trying, I've not gone far and I'm not even out of the Grove and I've just had enough of it!" Her fur was bristling, her teeth bared in a grimace of anger, and deep below it, pain, and fear. She had no control - she didn't know what she was doing, or why, only that she hurt too much on the inside and couldn't keep it in anymore. "I just wish she'd shake it off already! Maybe it's time you started caring about us, and not just her!" They all knew that the deepest cause of pain was not Indru: it was Torrel, their brother. She and Rissa had lost him. The pack had lost him. Corinna had lost him. But all they cared about was the pups staying close to the den, so Corinna wouldn't pitch a fit or they'd get, what, abducted by Indru? Fat chance! She was tired of it - tired of wallowing in that pit of misery just for the sake of her mother. "I wish that bloody traitor would just come back with Torrel and then go die in a pit of fire, so I'll be allowed to get on with my life!" And heal. Being in the Grove was like dragging your heart across a bed of nails every day, never allowed to forget or move on. The adults, they could leave for a few days if it became too heavy on them; she couldn't. She couldn't even take a sniff at the wind outside the border without one of them coming down on her, berating her for worrying her mother. To hell with that! As if it was all Triell's fault, she stood silent in the darkness, glaring at him: her words spent, and what good had it done her?

None.

like it's easier than land

Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill

(This post was last modified: Nov 23, 2012, 12:12 PM by Aiyana.)

Fenrir this is probably awful. I did not want to hold up any more, and I'm not sure I wanted to go to far into Triell's own emotions just yet.

If I go crazy will you still call me superman?

Triell was out in the night, quite often. He liked to let the black eat him up, and attempt to take away what he did not want to carry any more. It was true he tried hard to steal away those things from Rissa,Aiyana. They only seemed to come back to them all. What was she doing now? He was not worried Indru would return, though that wasn't exactly the right words to put it. He was worried though something else might come upon Aiyana and that in itself was a thought that could weaken his sanity. The remainder of everyone's sanity.

Waiting...waiting for her to come to him. When his words were brought to life he was sure he felt the recoil...a stop.The Tainn sought the own cut of her fur, low in the faded grass that danced in the night breeze without a damn care. Sure enough she was staring him down. A paw hanging he meant to step closer, but froze when he saw the lines upon her face. It was odd to almost stare at a miniature form of him because with the fury on her face that was what he saw. What he might have looked like. Then Triell had never had reason to be that angry until he had grown. When his parents had died he had went inside himself, shutting down his world. Not this. With a mask, just a still black facade he let her snap at him, and chew his ass out. That was he was for, right? To take a hit, to let her release her anger upon him. It was what he had needed from Indru once, but that had turned into an argument.

No, Triell was all ears for her. There was much to be learned by her actions and words...her own torment and fear. Yes, they did make him feel guilty as the guilt was already there. This, this just made it more clear he was not doing the right thing, not helping. Silence, that was all he gave her letting her get every ounce of it out. Even the part of cursing her father to die. There was a part of him that wanted to whine, and plea. Say something stupid, things that wouldn't help. He kept that shut up, pushing it aside. Then he felt his own raw anger, and hatred for his brother. How could he do this? How?!

No, Aiyana was no longer a child. No matter how old she was. Losing a parent, watching one struggle, and losing a brother had forced her to grow up. Triell could not change that. A quiet sigh, he did not take his eyes from the mirrored fiery pair that stared from her mask. With a bow of his dark head, he finally took a step to his niece. He also killed the words I'm sorry. in his head because those wouldn't do either. "Aiyana, you are right, I should be more worried about you and Rissa. It's just...this isn't the first time your mother has been through this, and I promised myself I would do all I can for her. She is both sister, and mother to me." He took a collection of air trying hard to read her own thoughts behind those golden eyes. There was so much she didn't know. Quickly, he let his eyes turn to the darkness, continuing to speak. "But, I should think how hard it is for you two to be here, in all of this, when least I can escape...some things." Triell was still fighting many a thing inside himself. A soft smile drew upon his lips, it was tainted with sadness. "How about I make you a promise. I will take you away from the Grove at your wish. In fact...I could take you somewhere now to my favorite place. I could tell you so many things that help kill the sadness and anger..."

(This post was last modified: Dec 02, 2012, 05:10 AM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

Eh, don't worry. No matter how slow you are — I'm slower!

Aiyana Tainn

I walk upon the river

Some small part of her felt satisfaction at the way he froze, one paw in the ear — not expecting that, were you, Uncle? It felt good in a wholly sick and twisted sense, to bare her teeth at a demon which finally had a tangible form, to make him freeze, startle him, maybe even hurt him. And while the malicious emotions rolled through her, like an inferno raging in her soul, fear raised its ugly head to battle it: is this who I am? In spite of everything which had happened since late summer, she did not wish to become a cruel wolf: did not wish to hurt others, and relish it, and yet it felt good to lash out... transfer some of the pain onto someone else. To finally shake a reaction other than pity from her pack mates. His face blanked out after what had seemed like initial surprise, a dark form merely drinking in every spiteful, poisoned word she spat into the night. And when her words ran dry and nothing but an aching hollow remained inside, her own hardened eyes kept glaring at him through the murky light. This hadn't done her much good, except to work her up into some angry state of mind where she, absurdly and illogically, enjoyed the fact that she was potentially hurting her uncle. He was not Indru — he had not shattered her happy family. So why did it feel good?

There was frost upon her heart as well as the ground and trees, a cold edge to every movement she made; the sway of her sides with each breath, the way her muted gaze locked onto his. A few moments of frigid silence held, etched themselves into her mind, that quiet standoff, until finally he sighed and drifted a step closer. Aiyana remained stiff and motionless, her ears still forward, drinking in the nuances of his voice. "It's just...this isn't the first time your mother has been through this, and I promised myself I would do all I can for her." While she did not flinch, did not allow the signs of her anger to dissipate, it felt like someone had pushed her over. Not the first time? Had Indru.. done this before? Why on earth had she taken him back? Somewhat shocked, she barely registered his smile, but heard his offer all the same. She gave her head a small shake, feeling as if every emotion in her had suddenly flickered out — like a bonfire, extinguished by a single sigh of wind.

"Take me," she repeated bitterly, bluntly, finally breaking the eye contact to peer out into the monochrome night-time forest. The peace had fled, replaced with a sense of desolation. "Take me. As if I cannot go somewhere alone. As if I always need a guard." Words. You resort to them yet again. Why, Aiyana? Her fur had bristled again, small, sharp, white teeth bared in the darkness. "I don't need a protector." What do you need, then? She turned back, knowing how small she was compared to the world outside — compared to Triell, Ice and Fenru. They were large males all three of them, and she was a female pup not even fully grown, yet her spirit and anger were larger than life. If she intended to survive — she damn well would. "I need life."

But here, she was dying.

like it's easier than land

Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill

If I go crazy will you still call me superman?

Aiyana what a dark thing she had become, did the inside match the outer? Was this what his life would have been if he had chosen to dwell on what he didn't have? It struck him in a different way, making a flicker of anger surge in his core. She had one parent at least, and many others who gave a tail end about her. Triell contained it, stroked it down, fueling it to the same target. All the more it just made him want to make Indru suffer because they had all been through needless suffering for nothing. It was because of that he did not want to hold Aiyana to her actions and barbed tongue. He suspected in her place he would have done the exact same thing, as he had but to the careless wolf himself. If Indru had not been there would Ruiko have gotten the scolding instead? Probably, he thought, while the tip of his tail twitched waiting for what else she had to say.

She was unimpressed, and it hurt too as if she was his own child rejecting him and all along he was paying the price Indru should have. It was something he had expected being the brother to the traitor, an oldest son of sorts. Triell could bare it, if this spared her mother for the time being so be it. As he suspected his words were useless. One being a hit, and the rest feeding the dark side of the young lady Tainn. Oh Aiyanna. He would like to sooth her mind, and drive it all away. She wouldn't believe in fairy tales, and Triell's deep voice was nothing.

The wolf deep inside him wanted to lash out and reprimand her, but Triell could not take his eyes from her. No, not when she looked from him, and continued his lashing. Half of him wanted to see if she started physically ripping into him if it would help. Part of him was surprised she did not. Was there still that thoughtful, reasonable soul hiding behind the angry monster? It gave him hope for a brighter future, in this moment he saw only pain in need of a remedy. She would take nothing he prescribed.

"Fine, then you don't need me. I can be another dark shadow you curse at for existence. I will not be were I am not wanted," he coolly said back ready to leave. With a raised skull, giving a flick of his tail, he let his eyes penetrate the darkness. He felt too old in this moment, wishing she could have dug into her father with her sharp teeth. She proclaimed what she did need. "If you need life than go find it, and you can see for yourself the rest of cruel world. Know this Aiyana, you are not the only one who was abandoned or has lost a parent. I wish to hell your sire had to take all this because he deserves every cut, and hit. But I am done being your beating post." He gave her a brief stare with a sharp look, and turned away. His pace was nothing face, but he needed to walk away, let something sink into her beside this misery and hate.

(This post was last modified: Jan 10, 2013, 01:01 AM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

Aiyana Tainn

I walk upon the river

It did nothing, but create more pain, more wounds ripped open in the midst of their — her — family. It was just stupid and painful, the way his words fed her bitter fire, and the way hers ripped into him like a lash. She could tell that she was hurting him, but she was done being a nice little lady. She was done with it, and even though part of her regretted the way that she was hurting him, she could not take the words back. She wasn't sure if she wanted to, either. She did not want to hurt him, for him to suffer more, but she could not lie either. She could not not let him know that she was suffocating, pulled under.. that she was dying from within, smothered. She could not wand would not lie.

"Fine, then you don't need me. I can be another dark shadow you curse at for existence. I will not be were I am not wanted." The hint of bitterness in his statement was a mirror to hers, but young, foolish pride and arrogance bade her not to yield, and she didn't. Her golden eyes kept staring daggers in the darkness, and his harsh words rolled out of his mouth like the beating she needed. Part of her had nearly been looking for a fight, for a release, something to make sense in this mad, mad world. But all he gave her was truth, words that bit deep and yet she hid that pain, too, deep within her dark heart. "But I am done being your beating post." She taught him two things, that night: she was not the only one to suffer, and despite the way their actions choked the life from her, they cared. "Then go," she growled at his retreating back, a final act of childish bitterness. He merged with the darkness, and only after several minutes had passed did her tense, dominant posture relax. Her tail lowered to hang limp, her heart ceased its mad pounding, and her ears fell back. A low whine split the night, before she lowered her gaze too, staring at her blunt, dark paws.

Idiot.

But she did not speak the word aloud.

like it's easier than land

Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill