Sex: Female The world kept turning and her body kept changing, demanding her attention, even though she wanted to devote all of it to @Chan. It was very much starting to seem like nothing truly good could ever happen to them, at least not without great cost. So soon after discovering his children, one had been lost forever; just another in a lifetime of grief and heartache. Flair hadn’t had much time to truly get to know Auburn, but he had seemed to have his father’s kind heart, and she mourned with him, for the older brother their pups would never know. Still, those pups continued to grow, to the point that she could no longer stick to her pragmatic attitude – already, getting around was much more of a hassle, and she was starting to feel queasy after eating. That den needed to be dug. So, she had gone back on her search, following the water trickling away from the falls, just far enough that the stone walls started to part further, leaving space for dirt to mound along the banks. Her attention was set on raised ground, high enough to be safe from the rising water, but not too far from the banks, or the falls themselves. Here, with no room for the colossal redwoods to take root, thickets of smaller brushes had grown in, somewhat reminiscent of her childhood home. She was just looking around, getting a feel for the dirt underneath the leaf litter, when a rustling caught her attention. Instantly alert, she turned to face the stranger, only to spot instead a pair of young kits, seemingly unaware of her closeness. It looked like a crafty vixen had followed Flair’s own reasoning and dug her den among the bramble, the fruits of her labor now playing happily in the sun. A year ago – maybe even just a month – the Falls leader would have chased off the scavengers, who were no doubt already living off their caches, but now, she found her heart softening, looking at the two cubs enjoying the spring warmth. There was something comforting about seeing life thrive here too, like a promise; though she dared not fully trust it. ”Speech" Thoughts |
Here one moment, gone the next. Like so many others. The ghost had wanted to offer her sympathies, but… after their last talk, supposed space was better. That, and, he had Flair.
Whom Cole had been mostly avoiding aside from what was necessary as of late, too. She wouldn’t have even dared to venture close today, either, had she not been trying to track down the vermin that also seemed to have taken up residence in their territory.
Colette had quietly moved to within a few lengths of her leader when she spotted them, not daring to call out in case it frightened their potential targets. But as she followed her leader’s gaze, instead of a threat she saw two young kits, which Flair was watching from a distance.
The hardness that made up so much of the ghost’s heart couldn’t help but be moved just a little at that. She let out the softest of inquisitive huffs and tipped her head just a little. Whatever Flair’s choice - chase them out or not - she’d respect it.
| She’d been so engrossed in her task that she hadn’t even noticed the ghost following behind on a mission of her own. The Vixen had done an exceptional job ad hiding her tracks to protect her brood, the scent faint even these few steps from the den. But Colette had managed to sniff them out anyway, and sneak her way up close, all while Flair had stumbled upon the spot entirely on accident. The pale woman’s quiet chuff finally alerted her leader to her presence, single ear flicking as her head spun in surprise. She felt a little embarrassed at being seen in this moment of weakness, almost like a pup caught stealing extra snacks from the cache, a somewhat sheepish smile curling one side of her mouth as she met the other woman’s good eye. Still, she shook her head lightly at the questioning look, answering in a whisper; “Let ‘em be.” Later she might change her mind, but for now there had been too much death and life deserved a chance to thrive in the Falls. She felt bad for Colette having wasted her time tracking the infiltrators down though, dipping her head apologetically as she fully turned to face the other. Still keeping her voice low, to not scare the kits off, she tried an explanation; “I… A’ can’t bare anymore hurt right now.” What was meant as an excuse ended up ringing just a bit to true, a clear hint of vulnerability in her voice, but she couldn’t take it back, so she just held Colette’s gaze, shrugging one shoulder; The truth it is… ”Speech" Thoughts |
Flair seemed to share that sentiment, prompting a slight softening of the ghost’s countenance as she accepted the decree with a slow nod. Empathy it would be. ”I understand,” Cole murmured, keeping her response low, and quiet, while beginning to back up a couple of paces.
”If there’s nothing else you need.. I’ll see ya ‘round.” Colette made a move to turn about just then, and was prepared to walk off provided her leader didn’t have any specific requests. The ghost wasn’t exactly sure what sort of a moment she’d happened upon, but she didn’t wish to intrude - though perhaps that was simply an excuse.
Any other packmate might’ve inquired about Flair’s health, about the children, but that was the last thing Cole wanted to think about, much less discuss. Maybe that made her a bad packmate, but she wasn't sure she cared.
The more time that’d drawn on, the less she’d desired to see or speak to anyone, beyond what was required. Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t help how she felt. And as of lately, almost none of it was very good.
| For just a moment, she thought she saw a change on Colette’s face, the slightest gentling of her warrior’s mask. But it was gone in an instant as she started to pull away, clearly wanting to be anywhere else as fast as possible. Flair felt a rush of guild, much as she had in the past when the ghostly woman obviously avoided her. She’d wanted to talk things over with Colette for a long time, to properly explain her situation with Chan and clear the air, but the one-eyed woman had a true gift for avoiding conversation. So she’d let things be, convincing herself that it was for both of their good, but now, with what was coming; We can’t go on like this… “Colette wait, please,” She called softly, taking a half-step to close the distance the other woman had put between them. She felt all kinds of awkward, wanting nothing more than to let her go on her way and avoid any personal talk. But that wasn’t sustainable, and it wasn’t how a leader acted – she needed to be trusted by her packmates, all of them. “We really need t’ talk.” ”Speech" Thoughts |
But a request - please wait - made her wonder if today might be that day. Especially since we need to talk, was the follow-up. As much as she did not desire to, if only out of respect for Flair’s rank than anything else, the ghost forced herself to halt. And then turn back, fixing her good eye at the ground near Flair’s paws.
”Alright,” the ghost conceded softly. ”Unless it’s about you and him. Anything but that,” she added on, hoping it wasn’t. She didn’t want to talk about whatever they were. But given the circumstances, Cole wouldn’t have been terribly surprised if that was what was on Flair’s mind.
| They were not off to a great start, as Collete reluctantly agreed to stay, under one condition. Flair bit her lip, flicking her eyes down guiltily. It’s not like this was easy for her, she wasn’t even entirely sure what she wanted to say, but one thing was obvious; “We can’t keep goin’ like this.” She forced her eyes back up to meet the ghost’s one, brows furrowed in frustration. They were supposed to be pack mates, to be able to trust each other, to have one another’s back – even more so, as her leader, Flair needed to be someone who Colette could come to with her worries; Not the cause of them…! Shaking her head, the fiery woman gritted her teeth and spoke candidly: “Y’ can barely stand t’ be ‘round me, that’s no way t’ be a pack.” She didn’t want to be too harsh, certainly wasn’t looking to upset the pale wolf, but things could not be left unsaid, no matter how little any of them wanted to talk it out. “We have to come t’ terms with all this, figure it out, or we’ll just keep on hurting eachother.” ”Speech" Thoughts |
Perhaps, though, Flair did deserve to know. The ghost took another breath, steeled her resolve, and then fixated her gaze upon the other.
”My opinion, you’ve done nothing but right by me and this pack. I trust and respect you. And I’m glad he has you.” But that didn’t stop it from hurting, and neither did it ease the envy or the guilt. It was always easier to avoid those things than face them head-on. But clarity was necessary, too. Hopefully, Flair would see that this distance between them wasn’t because of her and Chan’s relationship.
”But when I look at you two, I see what I could’ve had. Maybe not necessarily with Chan, but…” she trailed off, her speech thus far quiet, but firm and unwavering. ”Now I never will, cause of the choices I’ve made. I’ve seen and been a part of a lotta bad shit, Flair. A lot. Things I have to live with, that I can’t take back.” She wasn’t looking for sympathy or absolution from those sins, either - not that it was something the other could grant anyway. She just hoped it’d help her packmate understand.
”It isn't you, or anything you've done. Never has been. I'm the problem, here.” It isn't your fault. It was maybe the most open she’d been with anyone outside of Chan. What would a leader choose to do with this? Share it? Impart judgement?
| It wasn’t like she was excited for this conversation, not in the least, but being a pack leader meant you had to do things you didn’t enjoy; For the good of the pack…! Colette had been part of the Falls since the beginning, it was just as much her home as the rest of them, and she deserved to feel at ease here. Flair half expected her to lie and say that she did, deny that there were any problems to address at all. So, she was surprised when the pale woman did speak up, voicing appreciation of all things. It seemed completely counterintuitive that Colette would think so highly of her yet work so hard to avoid her. Flair almost thought she was lying, trying to brush off the leader’s appeal by making out that it was all fine – but there was a sincerity in her voice that spoke against it, a quiet levelness that made Flair believe her. And as she continued, it was clear that she wasn’t just saying what she thought Flair wanted to hear. Her honest confession made the russet woman’s lone ear flatten back, brows arching in surprise before knitting together in sympathy. She wanted to speak up, stress that her relationship with Chan wasn’t romantic, nor exclusive and that Colette still had plenty of opportunity, but she held her tongue, biting her lip as she let the other woman speak, amber eyes studying her intently. It was clear that there was much more to the ghost’s reclusion than simple jealousy, something deep and dark weighing her down, and Flair found herself wishing she would confide in her, so that, just maybe, she could help – despite Colette’s reclusive nature, the expectant mother realized, she had come to care strongly for the pale wolf. Now, Flair was no therapist, Chan would serve much better in such a role, and in fact, the aging shewolf had managed to live most of her life without getting in close contact with her own or anybody else’s feelings; but she had a life of grim experiences behind her too, and one good ear still to listen with, if only Colette would open up. Letting silence stretch for several breaths after the ghost finished her speech, Flair let her eyes drift to the woods around them, the home they had managed to build after so much hardship. Finally, voice quiet, she said: “Y’re not a problem Cole,” The nickname slipping from her lips naturally as she turned her gaze back on the other wolf; “A’ don’t know what y’ve been through, and y’ don’t have t’ tell me either, if y’ don’t want to.” A short pause, her eyes intently fixed on Colette’s. “But y’ don’t have t’ be alone. I don’t want y’ t’ be. Y’re part of our family.” Whatever haunted the ghost, whatever past had driven her to think so little of herself, Flair wanted the Falls to be a second chance for her – or third or fourth; Heaven knows I’m on number four at least…! She wanted Colette to feel at home, not just in the pack, but with them, Chan and herself, and the little ones to come - who would never have been if it wasn’t for the other woman – and maybe, just maybe, to be happy. ”Speech" Thoughts |
And yet.. Flair still didn’t give up trying to convince the ghost different from what she thought. You’re not a problem, or don’t have to be alone, she spoke. Very much reminiscent of lines Chan had spoken at different times before. The two of them truly were a great match for one another, complementary in many ways.
It was enough to prompt a brief faltering of her stoic mask, evidenced by a short breath and moisture welling at the corner of her bad eye.”I wish I could believe that of myself, too,” the ghost admitted softly. She truly wished she felt that she belonged as part of a group, a family. But even more, that she would have one of her own - to experience being a loved, and parenting children.
”But that will never happen, it’s too late for me.” That belief was too deeply held. How could anything change, when every day you were faced with a reminder of what could’ve been? Plagued by dark memories and guilt that were paralyzing on their worst days. And the feelings just seemed to keep building, poking and prodding at her, driving her crazy from the inside - but Cole wasn’t sure how to stop them.