Larkcall Lowlands Walking on Empty Plains

For the other angsty boy! @Askan ♥

It was a lot to take in. Too much, frankly. Aleksei simply needed something to occupy his thoughts, away from Hearthwood, away from the resting place of his father. It was still so hard to believe, and every time the thought passed through his mind, the first born Baranski felt his mouth grow dry and the pounding in his heart grow frantic; the river patriarch was dead.

I never even said goodbye.

No, no. He had taken this walk so he could clear his thoughts! But, it was hard. It was hard to shake grief off your back, it was hard to put it down and come back for it later. Grief, after all, was a nasty thing that fed off trauma. It was gnarled fingers coiled in your hair, it was biting teeth that split the skin layer by layer, it was white hot burning at the back of your throat; suffocation. A shadowy avalanche that came screaming down towards you, swallowed you up -- grief was not a push-over.

It didn't matter how much you wished it away, grief would linger until it felt ready to leave, until it deemed enough time had passed. In that sense, it was a mercy -- it wouldn't stay forever, not really. All creatures eventually pass grief, and move on with their lives. Given time, it becomes acceptance. It's gradual: coiled fingers easing their vice grip, gnawing teeth becoming weaker and weaker, the hot in your throat cooling down -- your head finally breaking the snow and seeing clear blue skies.

Eventually.

Casting his own gaze heavenward, Aleksei exhale a cold puff of air. Above him, stars stretched on seemingly forever. He blinked, confused for a moment -- he had left Kingsfall with the rising sun. Had he really travelled for so long? Furrowing his brows, the Baranski released a sigh. He'd best not stray too far, not again. He didn't want to give the wrong impression.

He would turn around and head home when he saw the moon begin to ease down. For now, the cool night air was filling his lungs, the mist at his ankles carrying him onward, the stars above gazing down as if a hundred-thousand eyes were watching. He would turn around. He just needed a moment to collect his thoughts. Just a moment.

Weeks had passed and Askan was still bitter. Things had smoothed out- somewhat- but that dreaded sinking feeling still lingered in his stomach. He'd only wanted to help, to do his duty but in reality he'd only made it worse. It wasn't his fault per se - or at least he didn't think it was- but..... Long story short, he felt like crap. Yet again. It was so difficult to hold his head high knowing that he was more of a menace than an asset. He could ignore the past as best as he could, but that didn't erase it from existence. All of his past mistakes and mishaps followed him with leering smiles, just waiting to catch him at a moment of weakness. Then they'd strike and he'd fall into a pit of uncertainty and despair.  

But that was not going to happen tonight, not on his watch.

Out of caution, Askan avoided the areas he usually frequented. He was in no mood to run into a Whitestone wolf, nor anyone else for that matter. When he was in a sour mood, he did tend to seek solitude and that night was no exception to that rule. But it seemed as though- yet again- fate had other ideas. 

It was hard to tell at first, as the fog was so thick, but after he squinted a little Askan noticed the unmistakable silhouette of a wolf. He breathed in deep and tried to recall if the scent was familiar- if it carried that unpleasant Whitestone stench. To his relief, it did not. It was someone new. Hopefully it would be someone with a tolerable temperament, as Askan was in no mood to clash tonight. That wasn't to say that he wouldn't, as his temper did not allow for such absolutes but.... He'd try. For once, he'd try and be civil. He'd make an attempt at starting a conversation, that didn't begin with a thinly veiled threat or accusation.

"Star gazing huh?" Askan asked, once the stranger was in sight. The Yukon wolf was hit with a twinge of annoyance when he noticed his sheer size (even that was enough to annoy him these days) but rather than kick a fuss he swallowed it down, bitterly. "It's a bit foggy for that."

He couldn't help but wonder if this one and Ade were related. They certainly had a lot in common, they were both hulking behemoths and liked to look up at the sky.... Then again that wasn't a lot was it? It was a dumb thought so Askan shook it away. Following the strangers line of sight, he looked skywards. Like he'd admitted the other night, watching the stars was a pretty okay way of wasting time. It was better than thinking about other things, things he shoved away for a reason.

"Still..." Askan continued, though he doubted his company cared for him to. If the roles were reversed he certainly wouldn't have been waiting with baited breath. "It's kinda peaceful. Name's Askan. You from a pack around here?"

If he was, it'd be nice to know which one. Especially if it meant that a good word could be put in, for example 'the pack Askan is from ain't so bad. Maybe we won't declare war on them.' Or something like that. Askan snorted at himself and how difficult it was to smother his concerns. At least the stranger wasn't a mind reader, he couldn't know that Askan was walking on increasingly thin ice. Just because he was a fuck up, just because he couldn't follow in his Father's footsteps.

(This post was last modified: Nov 21, 2016, 10:39 PM by Askan.)

Trying to leave it vague regarding pack!

Aleksei hadn't expected to run into any wolf out and about at this hour, in this weather, but when a voice broke the soft noises of the tundra -- snow crunching beneath his paws, the wind whispering, the grasses barely peeking through the whiteness rustling -- the young man sucked in a deep breath. What a stupid idea, he thought bitterly, we're wolves. Wolves were resilient, temperature and visibility be damned. They thrived regardless, so a little fog and a bit of a chill in the air would do very little to hold back their outings.

It was frustrating, honestly. Aleksei had hoped for some solitude, despite the week or so he'd already had of it (making his way back home to the Lore). It seemed he would catch no such self-inflicted isolation tonight. Be courteous, be polite, be civil. A stranger didn't deserve his frustrations -- Aleksei had been raised better than to tell someone to piss off because he was brooding.

Star gazing huh? Well, not quite. It was more like focusing on how small the stars looked to him, and how small he must look to the stars. Something to reflect on, to know that his pain was infinitely small to the twinkling lights above. He could only drop his gaze to study the wolf who had decided to strike up conversation. Black, with bright yellow eyes that stood out against the shadowy backdrop. The swarthy male was almost stocky, being smaller than the Baranski, and the scent of other wolves clung to him. A pack wolf, then. Forcing up a small smile, Aleksei gave a slow nod in response before returning his sights to the white-dotted sky, stars peeking through the mist and clouds. "Yeah. You're right. A bit foggy. It's probably nicer when it's clear. I haven't really looked up much in my life."

That was more than just literally. Aleksei had always been sort of a sad kid.

He always felt like there was too much on his shoulders.

A name was offered -- Askan -- and the tawny wolf once again returned his sights to his current company. "Mmh. Peaceful, definitely." At least it was before you -- no. Don't be like that. "I guess it's one of the nicer ways to pass the time. I'm Aleksei. My family's east of here. What's left of it, at least." God, he was a miserable little shit, wasn't he? Swallowing thickly, he shook his head apologetically -- he didn't want to burden a bloody stranger with all his woe-is-me bullshit. "Sorry. I shouldn't have ... I guess I'm just. Dealing with some stuff."

He felt himself cringe at that.

"What about you? Pack nearby?" It'd be nice, after all, to know his family's neighbours weren't the type who were ready to rip apart anyone who crossed their path.

Let the roots & soil drink of me
Whispering leaves & pointing branches will tell them where I'm lying

Askan hummed in acknowledgement, his voice a low grumble. 

By no means was he going to pry, he had little interest in learning about the strangers- Aleksei's-problems but even he could see that the boy was troubled. Askan was curt and often rude but he wasn't the sort to kick someone when they were down. They were kindred souls- of a sort- they both clearly had issues and it seemed as though they both believed that solitude was the best cure for it. Well, perhaps not Askan, at least not anymore. He had no intentions of smashing his head into a tree again, the lingering memory of that insufferable headache that followed was more than enough to make him wince. He would not be doing that again, no matter how lost and conflicted he felt.

"Don't worry 'bout it." Askan told him as he glanced his way, before setting himself down on the snowy ground.

Askan wasn't being as presumptuous to tell him not to worry about his problems, after all such words coming from a stranger meant jack shit. You couldn't just stop worrying, that wasn't how it worked. Try as you might, worries and concerns couldn't be wished away. Askan simply meant that no offence had been taken, he took no issue with his words nor Aleksei's temperament. He wouldn't go as far to say that he liked him- he didn't as he'd just met the guy- but he was okay. And currently, Askan was content with spending time with a troubled, but okay guy. Even if only for a little while. Just to past the time.

"Yeah. Some ways away from here. Needed a breather, you know?"He wasn't going to go into detail, not that he ever made an effort to.

It was hard to talk to others, let alone open up in ways that he should. At least now he was under no obligation to, which was a blessing in of itself. Askan dug his front legs forward and hid them beneath the snow before he decided it was to cold and pulled them out. He could feel it in his bones, this winter was going to be a tough one. Maybe the worst yet. Would he be Aleksei be okay? Considering he'd mentioned his family was more or less in tatters.

The mere thought of family was enough to make a troubled scowl appear on Askan's face. He tried not to think about it- if anything he made a pointed effort to- as in his train of thoughts usually consisted of don't don't don't. But as he looked up at the night sky he couldn't help but wonder if they were looking up too, wondering where he was and how he was doing. Not that it mattered, he'd left on his own accord and no one had even lifted a paw to stop him. All he'd gotten was a sombre look from his Father, the sort that said little but cut so deep. 

After a long, heavy silence Askan finally spoke again. "Not that I care, but I hope you manage to deal with your stuff. Stuff sucks."

(This post was last modified: Nov 22, 2016, 06:26 PM by Askan.)

Shallow water has trapped several fish in a small pond. Hunt Opportunity

“Needed a breather, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.”

Aleksei sucked in a lungful of air and held it for a few seconds before exhaling, closing his eyes and relishing the silence that fell over the two troubled men. He would have been content to sit there all night in that soothing quiet, whether or not Askan stayed nearby, but the chill was starting to bite the tip of his nose and ears. Sooner or later, Aleksei was going to have to find shelter for the night. He figured the best option would be to get off the tundra – often, the coldest places were the wide open ones – and head for the trees, settle down for the night.

He gave a sniff at Askan's words, tilting his head to watch the male for a moment. He didn't care, but hoped Aleksei could deal with his issues? Seemed a little contradictory, but the tawny wolf wasn't going to say anything to be purposefully inflammatory (he didn't really want to deal with the stress of starting a fight), but, oh boy, did he think it. Don't say shit you don't mean. Pick one.

“We'll cope. He might not be with us any more, but we aren't the kind of wolves to crumble easily.” A pause, followed by a huff. “He always made a point to tell me that.”

Silence again, and he stared off into the distance. Brooding.

Much like Askan, Aleksei's thoughts turned to family. To his sisters and his brother, out in the wild. Inna had been the only one to remain with the river wolves of Kingsfall, and he knew he had a lot to make up for.

“God fucking …” he muttered, trailing off. Damn it. He dropped his arse to the ground. Where were they now? What were they doing? Were they safe? Did they think of him, too?

Let the roots & soil drink of me
Whispering leaves & pointing branches will tell them where I'm lying

Askan didn't care, but as soon as those words passed Aleksei's lips he figured out what had happened. And oh boy, would he much rather preferred if he hadn't. What was he supposed to say to that? How was he supposed to move on from such a delicate topic of conversation? Not that this was really a conversation at all. Aleksei had seemingly muttered that to himself and Askan had outright claimed that he didn't want or care to know. Ah shit.

It wasn't as though he could empathise, because as far as Askan was aware no one in his family had died. In fact, he imagined that they were doing just fine without him, that they'd barely even noticed his absence. Askan felt bad- for sure- but he didn't know what to do or what to say. However, he'd lost was damn important. A father figure perhaps? A brother? A friend? It was frustrating to be left in the dark, until he realised that it wasn't his problem. He shouldn't have to worry about this stranger's problems, because for certain he didn't worry about Askan's. It was nothing personal and said nothing about the sort of wolves they were, it was just the natural state of things. You didn't care unless it was in your interest to. And right now Askan would gain nothing from worrying about a loner's sorrow.

Askan pressed his chin against his leg and let out a petulant huff.  He didn't want to care, but there he was sitting in the snow, freezing his balls off as he wracked his brain for something to say. There there? Sorry for your loss? Yeah right, like that'd be well received. 

"I don't know him so this probably don't mean much but... If he made a point of staying strong you think he'd like seeing you like this?" The Yukon wolf asked, side eyeing him with his chin still resting on his leg. "I mean... Dads are there to make sure you get back up. To kick your ass into gear if you start moping. Fuck knows mine did. Probably still would, if he could." Askan rolled his eyes at the numerous memories that stacked up in his head.

(This post was last modified: Nov 22, 2016, 10:31 PM by Askan.)

Aleksei couldn't help the frown that creased his expression, his eyes settling on Askan with a calculating, stoic stare. On one hand, he wanted to smack the black male upside the head for making such a half-hearted and empty statement, but on the other, he had a point (irritatingly).

With a shift of his hips, Aleksei settled into a more comfortable sit. His father had been a great man, no question about it. An excellent leader, a proud father, a reliable mate. Stern sometimes, sure, but weren't all dads supposed to guide their kids? It wasn't as if Maksim didn't play with Aleksei, or laugh with Orren. He was kind. He had sweetly guided Karina through her younger years – but where was she now? – and protected Inna and Lekalta with his actual fucking life.

Yeah. He had been a fair man, and a great father, but life certainly hadn't been fair to him.

Swallowing the lump that rose in his throat at the memories – big boys don't cry, Aleksei – he couldn't help but laugh dryly. “Yeah. My dad, he'd grieve. He'd mourn for the dead, but he'd get back up again and keep walking. He'd fight for the living.” But Aleksei had only just found out his father had passed. He needed his time to accept it before he could stand once more.

“Your dad sounds pretty similar to mine,” he said idly. Maksim had definitely been an ass kicker. Aleksei had been told the story of how his father and Naia, their greatly missed long-time follower, had chased off two border crossing scavengers with barely a scratch. Do not test the wolves of the river, he reminded himself. Cut Rock or Hearthwood. “Stern men, but good ones.”

Let the roots & soil drink of me
Whispering leaves & pointing branches will tell them where I'm lying

Askan hummed in agreement. From what little he'd been told they did sound similar.

"Too good, you know? Like how am I suppose to live up to that? And then he'd look at me with those eyes... Gah! What a dick!" Askan grumbled, his expression souring like he'd just licked a lemon. "I hate him sometimes. I mean I love him, he's my old man but.... What did he expect?" With a snort, Askan shook his head. 

He did not like talking about this. Not one bit. It was as though he was coaxing everything he had run away from to follow him here. To torment him again just like it used to. The thought made his stomach sink and his legs shake, like he wanted to bolt. Like he was scared his dad would just materialise in front of him and just stare at him knowingly. Not with hate or disappointment but....

Askan just wasn't good enough, he'd never get out of Terrel's shadow at this rate. He'd spend the rest of his life worrying,  doing his best to do better but it'd never be enough would it? He'd never bring honour or glory to the Selwyn name, or at least not in the same way his Father had. 

"It doesn't matter anyway. He can't do shit anymore. I'm my own man." Askan said, more to himself than his company. It wasn't as if he knew the whole context anyway, so surely it didn't matter. 

In the grand scheme of things, none of this mattered, which was a slight reassurance but not enough to stop Askan from glowering. He had a new life now, he truly felt like he belonged but the past was difficult to forget and bitterness was near impossible to shed. He supposed the same applied to grief, you shouldn't just shrug it off and pretend that a part of your life had been ripped away. The gaping hole would always remain and nothing could be done to fill it.

"So what will you do now?" Askan asked, after a heavy prolonged silence. "Seeing as giving up ain't really an option."

(This post was last modified: Dec 04, 2016, 03:44 PM by Askan.)

Funny how two wolves so similar had stumbled into each other by pure chance. Their feelings towards their fathers were almost identical … almost. Aleksei couldn't say he hated his father in any capacity, but there was almost this expectation, this pressure, that made him feel as though he had to be just like his dad, had to be the perfect son, the ideal heir. It was all too much and it was suffocating to have those kind of expectations thrust upon him. That's the only thing Aleksei resented.

Maksim's shadow was so big, it made any wolf beneath it feel inspired to be the best they could be. But with that came this unshakeable feeling that you'd never quite be equal to the king of rivers and evergreens.

Askan mused aloud to himself it seemed, and Aleksei could only give a thoughtful hum in response. Own man, huh? That was almost sad to hear – Maksim had pushed his son to be the best he could be, not stop him from being his own person … how exactly had Askan's father treated him? Aleksei didn't want to pry though. Family could be a touchy subject, he knew that much, and it wasn't his business to know why the black furred wolf felt so strongly. Hell, he probably shouldn't even care.

“I don't know,” he said with a frown, brows knitting together. “I need to hold on to the family I have left. Apparently, things got … bad after I left.” Again. That had been the second time he'd escaped Relic Lore. The first time had been on a march for youthful revenge (which wound up getting him stupidly lost), but what excuse did he have last time?

None, that's what.

“Someone has to be there to support my mother, and to make sure my dad's dream doesn't die with him.” Aleksei winced at his own blunt words; good god, that hurt.

Let the roots & soil drink of me
Whispering leaves & pointing branches will tell them where I'm lying