Oak Tree Bend så rest in peace, alla mina drömmar små...

For @Triell <3

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

Enough with the avoiding.

Enough with the worrying. Enough with the wondering. Enough with lurking on the borders and never stepping back into his life, showing those he loved that he loved them and had only temporarily forgotten—showing that he was back, that he cared, that he wanted more than to smile sadly at them and pass by like a cloud's shadow going somewhere, anywhere, nowhere. Things were changing, things were changing fast, and as with everything, change could splinter like shrapnel going everywhere, piercing hearts and breaking bonds.

So one fear outshone another; the fear of losing was greater than the fear of rejection, and the fear of his own guilt. But fear was fear, a poison in the veins, an erratic edge to the heartbeat, the too-quick skip of the eyes... Ice tried to bite down on it, swallow it, devour it and conquer it, but he couldn't; he was afraid of losing what he had just found, and what he had been too dumb to grasp properly in a hug so fierce there could never be any doubt—

Yet there he was, not quite one true word passed between him and Triell, even a month after his return. That had to change, and it had to change now. Determination edged his too-long paces as he scoured the territory for the freshest scent of the black Tainn, his shoulders and jaws set stubbornly. Triell had better be in the area. Ice didn't know what he would do otherwise. Hunt him until the breath withered in his lungs? Huffing out a cloud of white smoke, he kept going as the sun rose above him, shining golden rays on a winter-white world.

until the ice breaks.

 

Who we are

When the news had reached his ears, that the second founder of the Bend had returned it had been awhile till he believed it. Ghosts didn't come back to life every day. While he had long carried the idea of the large, white wolf coming home the years had faded it, and tucked it away into a dream of many others never to be. It was only now and again coming upon the pale, man's scent was the Tainn reminded he was here. Living, and breathing. In his home, with what was left of his family. Then he would think how much Ice had missed. If the Tainn had let him down in turn. He had tried to keep this place together, all that was left....

But, they never spoke for all the time he had been home. Why this worried the Tainn, and troubled his mind. He felt Ice would do so in good time. There was a lot that had happened in their years apart. A gap of time, moments and memories. Why he was sure Serach had filled his father in, there was things neither of the old friends still knew. Things he wasn't sure either of them could explain. The dark wolf could not be sure what else stood between them. With the recent happenings he was fearful of a breaking point.

Now, there was a want to at least say something. Things were different, and it might not change. He couldn't go on like this. With what he felt was little time, he stuck close to the man's frequented trails. Trying not to think of him as a ghost, but a wolf still flesh and blood. His friend. Then his orange-yellow eyes caught the slightest change to the bright, white landscape. He squinted against the light, seeing the tall figure coming toward him. Throat felt constricted, like a vice. It shouldn't be like this...

are you with me through it all?

What IC date did Triell and Naira leave, by the way? And is this before the Serach/Triell thread?

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

He found him.

He found a black shadow on the white horizon, like a raven of bad tidings; his heart beat a little faster, a loud roar in his ears, like the angry sea. The ways in which he had imagined reuniting with his old friend were as many as the days since he had remembered, but in none of them had he carried the fires of accusation in his heart. He did not want to greet him with bared fangs, raised hackles, and a stiff tail—he did not want to greet him with the bitter edge of betrayal in his voice. He had never wanted to do that.

He didn't want to do it now, either. He didn't want to barrel at the other and flip him over and demand, why are you doing this?!. Triell would only tell him that Marsh isn't coming back and the world would break for different reasons, red seeping through the cracks. He could understand needing to get away. There were a lot of things he could understand.

But he couldn't understand the timing. Why now? The air echoed emptily among the trees, half the pack already gone, Sahalie, Alastor, Spieden, Kyna... Why Naira and Triell, too? Why the cubs, before their first birthday, when the snows heaped and the prey was scarce, the hunt so much more difficult? The mountain was a hazard to pass, Ice had crossed it twice in winter out of necessity, but to go freely..?

So when Triell came into view, all those things poured into his mind like a flash flood, and he found himself closing his eyes. How had it come to this? Because you didn't take the first step sooner.

He opened his eyes again. Triell was as he remembered him; black, built like a Tainn, Tainn eyes, that white patch on his chest, just like Aiyana. He hadn't been much more than a yearling when Ice had nearly startled him into the river, had he? And now he had, what, three litters, at least? Ice swallowed as he moved closer. He didn't want to be afraid, but he was, and when he finally reached the black male he simply tried to press the side of his head against his, and bury his nose in the thick, black scruff.

"Naira says you're leaving," he breathed into the dark fur, eyes pressed shut again.

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul

I think the date is 20th/21. This takes place before.

Who we are

It never should have been like this. No. No. No, his heart seemed to beat in a rampant pace. The cords in his limbs tightened, his mind flashed back to the last time. When the world had went to hell, and he'd been pinned flat and questioned after his miserable journey. Then he thought, maybe he shouldn't have found them. Disgraced them with his presence. A failure. A part of him had wanted to die then and there. Maybe he had when he had to tell them what had happened to the red elder...

It was another mistake he had carried, and tried to bury. It hadn't haunted him as often. Now, all the wrongs and rights entwined, but he wasn't going to be pulled apart.

The Tainn held his ground, trying to be unafraid. He owed the pale man that. To take whatever it was he was going to throw at him, to try to give him answers he may seek. To have the goodbye they never did. Why he had hoped his decision wouldn't be seen as betrayal. How could he ever think the Bend would see it as something else? He was leaving, and anyone who left might as well have been cast out like the plague. Hated for the very idea they wouldn't remain. But, didn't Ice know Triell didn't hate him for all those years he'd been gone? He could never hold it against him? Instead he was overjoyed he hadn't been dead all that time, and now he was here to see it for himself. Yes, it wasn't fair for him to do this now, but it would never be. Life didn't work like that.

But, it seemed awful that loyalty came down to staying in one place,

Not how he had been part of their family from the beginning.

Not how he protected and feed their children.

Not how he had traveled to find a new home for them.

Not how he would leave his childhood home for a new land.

Not how he had helped lead in Ice's place.

Not how he had kept the Bend alive all those years.

That it was all nothing when he would walk away for the sake of his own young family. Winter or not.

If Ice had never left did they really think Triell would never want his own family, his own pack? Kisla and Fenru had done those things. His brother Ruiko. But Triell would be looked down on?

Winter wasn't the best time to set apart, and not with other departures. But, with something like this it would never be the right time. Maybe, if Aponi wasn't so hateful toward her mother it would have waited. After seeing Spieden, and having witnessed Naira in a similar state at a different time, he wouldn't wait till she got to that point. No, he didn't fear for what waited for them beyond the Bend. Out there he wouldn't have to worry if his children and Serach's would compete for want of the same thing.

Closely his fiery eyes drifted over Ice's sturdy figure. He was different, and yet the same. The great white, and silver wolf he would never forgot, who just seeing his figure settled a part of him. A knot grew heavy in his throat, as gently his friend rested his head by his own. It had been a very long time. In turn, he touched his nose to white fur, wanting to hold onto the moment. He had needed him so many times. Struggled about many choices in his absence. Now he didn't want to part with him again, but....

Dark ears bent to the man's voice. So he did know. What had Naira said to him? He didn't know. The fact he would stand and listen was more than he had hoped for. "Yes, Ice. The Bend is Serach's now. Sooner or later this would have happened." Nothing could remain the same, and the Bend would have its new start. "I know its winter, but it can't wait under the circumstances. I'll be thought of less either way." He heaved in a breath, and waited for the pain...

(This post was last modified: Dec 29, 2016, 07:00 PM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

To have something ripped from your life—whether by death or other circumstances—hurt in a way he had never known before it had happened to him. But to stand with it in your hand, and know that you will lose it...

His breaths were ragged, full of Triell's fur and scent, something so precious that would be passed into memory again. He wanted to call him selfish for leaving, but he was just as selfish for wanting him to stay. He had not right to demand all things remain as they had been. He had no right to dictate the lives of others.

He wanted to, to not stand in the face of loss where someone willingly walked away—Indru had seen to that. Leaving had become the ultimate betrayal somehow, whether or not they said they were leaving. And everyone else who had left..? Fenru, Kisla, Jessie, Sceral.. somewhere, in some deep, dark corner of his heart, he hated them for it, too. He hated Aiyana for choosing another man over her mother, for leaving them so soon after Rissa's death.

So somewhere, he wanted to hate Triell, too, just as he hated himself; could he blame the black wolf, since he himself had been missing for years?

He didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to reconcile the facts. He didn't want to be rational and understanding; he wanted to be angry and hurt and sad and confused and plead, threaten, bully, anything to make him stay.

But he didn't. Spieden and the others were strangers to him. They had started no wildfires in his soul. But Triell.. worn and in pain, Ice simply stood next to him, muzzle buried in his thick fur, pouring water on the flames inside. With all that Triell had done for him.. Ice wanted to better than his selfish, violent self. Triell deserved better. Triell deserved more. Triell deserved—maybe even needed—his love, and at that point, it was the only thing he had to give.

"I know," he whined into Triell's fur, choking on the precious hairs. "It's just.. just..." I only just came back. He had pieces to put back together, a son to show he wasn't entirely useless, old friendships to rekindle.. and I miss the Grove, too. Ice had hated the rivers of his home, he had grown claustrophobic among the memories and the oppressive weight of sorrow, but he found himself longing for it anyway. It was home more than the lands guarded by his oak tree, but he had duties here. Ties. A grandchild to watch over, and, maybe there would be more of those come spring...

Thoughts of death came with old age, and the only place he wanted to rest in was the Grove.

He swallowed all those things, pressed his head further against Triell's. "But why? Why now, it's the dead of winter Triell, so many have already left.. and Naira isn't in good condition, even you have to see that," he finished quietly, thinking of her rugged appearance. Would she even make it across the mountains..?

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul

Who we are

Pain was there. A throb in his heart. After talking to Sahalie he'd thought he had managed to stifle it. Think for once what he wanted, what was best for Naira, Treyah, and Reiko. But, hearts were fickle, and seemed to do what they pleased. His hated being repressed and ignored. The Tainn was shaken in his own manner, and found it hard now to continue composed. But, if he the thought about Serach, Ice, Lena,  little Lila, and small pride for Aponi he would lose his resolve, and he wasn't sue what would be left. They had each other, they wouldn't need him. He readjusted his head, holding onto his reasoning. This was his try to turn something around for his remaining children, for his mate. It would be a struggle, but in his heart he felt this was the right choice. He wasn't going to ignore such a strong feeling.

Letting go of Ice? When the days had become months, and the months to years, the hope to see Ice again may have waned. But, it had never died.

Everything was still, and quiet. He could feel the warmth of Ice's breath, his steady form. He'd missed these kinds of hugs, they'd always made everything feel like it'd be okay. They had conquered a lot together. "You remember the time we got in a fight with Rhysis, and Athena? I don't think I ever thanked you. You've always had my back." I'll miss that. Ice had known him better than he had probably known himself. He'd given him a lot. Patience, understanding, and love. Hope, and laughter. Triell wanted to do more for him. He wanted to think this wouldn't be good bye either.

Did he miss the River? The Grove? It hadn't been his favorite but so many good things had happened there. He wished he could come with too, but Ice belonged here, not with him.  But this...it was one of the worst things he'd ever had to do. They could have tried to make up lost time. The words no going back echoed in his head

The questions came, and he had to swallow. There were a few times he'd been afraid death would take Naira too. It still hung over his head, but more than anything he knew why it had to be now."Naira has been through worse hell for winter to get in her way. I won't..I won't see her break like Spieden." Maybe, Aponi would have lightened up in face of things, but there wasn't time to see. He was sure the mountain wolf was long out of the woods, waiting for him. Eager to keep moving. He had to protect what was left of her own mind, her own heart." If we waited till spring do you think it'd be better, easier for the rest of you? I don't..." It would be just as cruel if not more when there could be more puppies to care for. " Sahalie...well she's made me think I need to do something more, something different for Reiko and Treyah." He wasn't sure if he could explain exactly what he wanted for them, and how leaving the Bend would help so he didn't. There was something else. He pulled back just enough, a sad smile, but smile none the less."With you here, I think it'd better for Serach to have you to count on instead of me." He was proud his nephew had easily welcomed his father, but he felt like this change would help their relationship grow. Serach hadn't gotten all the years Triell had with Ice.

(This post was last modified: Jan 07, 2017, 07:44 PM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

you do not know who is your friend

and who is your enemy

Not like this he wanted to say, to bite the black scruff and forcibly hold him in place until the stars fell and seas dried up. Triell was.. Ice hated himself and his treacherous heart for it, but Triell was almost all that he had left of his past self; Serach had been a bundle of white fur and over-sized paws, and now an adult, a stranger, albeit one he loved fiercely nonetheless.

But Triell was something different. It had been him, Corinna, Marsh, Jessie, Fenru, Kisla, and Ice. Corinna and Marsh were dead, Jessie and Kisla were somewhere to the north, Fenru had also left, and that only left Triell—Triell, who had remained here among the oak trees, with a pack that was not his, could never be his. He had shouldered Ice's burden, a burden a snowstorm and a sudden drop down a steep slope had placed on him, and with Ice back, why should he keep hold of it..? It was Ice's burden now, and Serach's pack, so any pleas of moving to the west side of the mountains would fall on deaf ears. Blood loyalty, blood love, was strong. Ice had sown the seeds of this pack, of this wolf whom he called son, and he would stay.

It wasn't a sacrifice. Honestly, it was nothing bad at all—he loved Serach. And in a sense, he loved the old oak too, and the red foothills, and the way the sun glittered in the little brook and chased the eerie fog away.. but he also loved Triell, and the Grove, the Wildwood, the Heartleaf Creek, the many little creeks chirping and bubbling, and all the familiar places. They were old wolves now, and old wolves wanted different things, and Ice wondered if Triell would hate him, if he left some day. Not next year, maybe not even the year after that, but if he ever left, to seek his own fortune, or to find old friends.. Would Triell blame him for abandoning Serach, and the oak wolves?

"You remember the time we got in a fight with Rhysis, and Athena? I don't think I ever thanked you. You've always had my back." It seemed ironic Triell brought up the very thing he'd thought so much about during his chat with Naira, and it made him press his eyes together. Goodbyes had always seemed so painful and pointless; why not just stay together? The words burned in the back of his throat. "And I always will," he choked out into that precious dark fur, the pieces of his heart fracturing further. Mountain or no mountain, he would always, always look out for Triell.

Then he mentioned Spieden, a wolf Ice wasn't sure he had ever known. All he had was the fleeting glimpse after Aponi's victory, of a frightened, battered creature out of her mind with fear of —something. Ice hadn't known what, couldn't even have guessed, but it had been a terrified creature which had fled into the forest, away from Oak Tree Bend, and taken so much with her. Triell called it broken, and Ice's ears pressed back against his head. Part of him wanted to say fuck Naira and stay with me, but the years had taught him to think at least a little while before speaking, so he didn't say it. Had it been Corinna, Ice would've done the same.

Triell pulled back and smiled, and Ice, well, he couldn't help but do the same, sad and tired—couldn't help but remember the dark youth as he had been, searching for Volkan, the she-wolf who had abandoned him in favor of Ruiko's pack. Ice couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if she had stayed, or he had gone. No one would ever know, but as things were, it had given him Triell, and he was glad for that. And Triell, he had stayed that time.. "I'm just selfish," he admitted quietly. "Lost and afraid I did not seek you out before now, only to find you are leaving, and, of course, I wish you would stay..." He blinked, owlishly, and searched that dark face. ".. or that I could go with you."

He let it hang there, only for a little moment, always too honest for his own good. He wished he could've gone with everyone, to watch over them, keep them safe, see them grow... "But I can't. Not yet, maybe—maybe not ever." He belonged with his son, and not just out of guilt or debt to Corinna; he belonged with his son because he loved him, and wanted to know who he was, who he would become. He wanted to watch his relationship with Aponi blossom, help them care for their young, do his best to keep them safe until they were brave, and strong, and cunning enough to take on the world. He had cycles of life to go through and watch over, and only after that, he would know if he had the strength to brave the mountain one last time, never to return.

And only then would he know if Triell's heart had held out and waited for him, so they could be old and worn and aching and wander together through the Wildwood adorned in its splendid autumn garb.

He smiled a little at the thought, the kind of smile where the corners of your eye go a little wet with the hint of tears, and the skin around it wrinkles. He didn't say anything, though. "I'll come visit you, of course. Serach might be pissed at the lot of you for leaving, but I can't—I can't hold it against you, no matter how much I wish I could, and could argue with you to make you stay a little longer. I know you'll leave regardless, sooner or later.. I know that you know what's best for you, right now." And for Naira. He took his eyes off Triell, even though he was afraid he'd simply melt into shadows and disappear while he had the chance. "I was so stupid about Naira," he said quietly. "And about you and her. It was so much easier to just.. hate, not stop and question, or care. It hurt so much because I really liked her—not as you do, but.. she was charming and fierce and devoted; what better could a pack want? And then Rhysis screwed her over and I never really got over myself enough to wonder what had happened to her."

He hung his head a little. "Part of me wants to apologize for it, and part of me says that I'm a wolf, and if you betray my pack like that you're worthless, and that I'm totally justified in loathing her. It's just.. when I heard her story.. and knowing what I know now, and how I almost took Indru's place with Cori that season, and how he left anyway, and Rissa's death.. how can I blame her?"

He shook his head. "I was disappointed, yes, but you were right—she is not the enemy here. It was Rhysis' doing, and I guess, by the time she realized that, not only had we closed the door on her, but I guess she wouldn't want to go back to being under somebody else's rule." He barely knew what he was saying anymore, or why he was saying it—and part of him wondered how Triell had put up with him, the way he had hated a woman he loved. Ice lowered his gaze to Triell's paws. ".. I'm sorry, I guess," he said—weakly, softly.

until the ice breaks.

let the stars above shine in your soul