Drooping Willows but i'm afraid

@Eskil because I am in love and so is Asha

Being pregnant sucked, and it was the most terrifying, exhausting thing that Asha had ever experienced. She was always hungry and yet she was also always sick, and even though she could hardly keep food down anymore, her stomach had grown. An abnormal, balloon-like form had taken to her usually-thin belly, and she had lost weight off of other areas. It was hard enough being a loner in the winter and the frigid early spring without having two or three other creatures inside of you to feed. Especially when you puked up almost everything you ate.

The damn snow had taken over absolutely everything again - even the beautiful flowers that had been growing on the forest floor had frozen and died. The colorless creature sighed as she brushed through the frost-colored willows, stepping over wilted underbrush along the way. She was aware that she was relatively close to a pack's borders, but she didn't care at the moment. In fact, a part of her wanted someone in that pack to just run out and end her right then and there.

It wasn't like it would matter if she lived or died. No one on this earth cared for her - no one would miss her if she were to be killed. Eirian was in and out of her life, and she knew that she did not love him and he did not love her. He probably felt some sort of responsibility to her or the puppies she carried; that was all. She often wondered if she had trapped him in some way by getting pregnant - she hadn't meant to. She didn't even want children in the first place. She would be a horrible mother, to say the least. If she had kids, they'd want her dead, as well.

She had no friends, no family, no-

Green eyes popped into her memory and she tucked her tail, lowering her head in shame. Once, she might have had a chance with Eskil, because he had liked having her around for whatever reason, but now... now, he wouldn't care less what became of her.

On cue, at that last thought, Asha's paw caught on a root. She yelped as she fell forward, landing awkwardly on her stomach and cringing in pain. She almost stood; almost picked herself up and continued walking aimlessly, but her entire body felt sore and heavy, and there would be no point in continuing on. Not right that moment, anyway. The pale-furred wolf pressed her side against the bark of the willow tree she'd fallen under, and rested her head on one of the roots that was sticking up above the snow. Her ice-colored eyes closed, and then opened one more, looking over the dead flowers that had been killed by the freezing temperatures around them.

Eskil was managing at keeping himself busy. There was truly no shortage of things to do within the borders of the Ridge, which the man was quite thankful for. Keeping his body busy kept his mind occupied as well, it was less time to ruminate on his old life that was gone like a leaf on the wind, the friends and family he had buried, on the sister that he had failed, on the blossoming friendship that he'd ruined. It was easier to not feel like a complete failure when each day he was able to complete something concrete and productive. Clean out the den, hunt for prey, track the herds, watch the borders, chase off any vermin that dared encroach on the wolves' domain. Little things that he was able to take pride in, and try to convince himself that he was moving forward in his life, even in the most ephemeral of ways. 

He had yet to form a complete opinion of the Willow wolves, but for the most part they seemed like a reliable sort. They seemed to live a relatively peaceful existence, there were no enemies waiting with bared fangs on the borders trying to kill them or drag their women away, no raids were planned on neighboring packs. It was hard for him to get used to at first, the calm that endured here, but he was ready to put his days of warmongering behind him. After all, what had it gotten him? 

A dead goose hung from between Eskil's heavy jaws as he moved at a brisk trot from the meadow, intent on leaving @Ravenna the bird as a token of his appreciation. It was by her intersection with his life that he even had the chance to start again, and he had yet to truly thank her for it. He wove through the willow trees, starting to have some familiarity with the way through the forest.

Eskil's ears shot straight upwards as he heard a yelp, his spruce eyes searching through the trees. He broke into a run, heart thudding in his chest as he ran towards the source, the goose slipping from his jaws to the ground as his eyes met a pale silvery wolf laying on the ground. Fuck. His heart leapt into his throat and he dashed to her side. His thoughts jumped to Ravenna, but no, this she-wolf was too thin, too small, and a tell-tale bulge sat along her midsection. 

"Shit, ma'am, are you alri-" He began as he stopped beside her, before he he saw her ice blue eyes. His voice died in his throat, dark green eyes wide as a thousand questions spun in his mind. "Asha?" He finally sputtered out.

Asha hadn't expected a rescuer to assist her; she hadn't even wanted one, actually. Half of her wanted to just curl up and never move from that spot ever again, and the wolf who came rushing to her aid was completely unwelcome in the equation. She curled her lip, prepared to curse the intruder and hopefully make them rethink their decision to help her out. She didn't lift her gaze until she heard his voice, then turned shocked ice-colored eyes upward to meet his spruce ones. He spoke first, stuttering out her name in shock, but Asha was still a bit too confused to form words.

Her response didn't come verbally, at first. The silver wolf curled her tail around her pregnant stomach, hunching in on herself in shame and half-attempting to partially conceal her mistake. Of all the people in the world, she would have preferred Eskil never to find out that she'd been with another man. Her face burned and she cast her eyes down, thoroughly humiliated with herself.

There were very few times in Asha's life where she had ever cried - the final time had been when she was just a pup, after the death of her father. But the gravity of what she'd done, coupled with the pregnancy hormones and how sick and hungry she felt, pushed her over the edge. Tears prickled the backs of her eyes, and before she knew it, her entire body was trembling with unfamiliar emotion and hitched sobs.

"I'm so s-sorry," she breathed out through her stuttered breathing, attempting to gain enough control over herself to speak clearly. "D-didn't mean... I wish... I didn't want... I missed..." Her tail tucked between her legs and her muzzle pressed to the ground, conveying in body language what she wanted to voice. She made no move to approach him, but she didn't edge backward or try and get away. Instead, her posture was one of misery and apology - her voice reduced to no more than whines and whimpers as she lay, remorsefully, in the snow before him.

Of all things, Eskil hadn't expected to find Asha laying here on the borders of his new home. Nor did he expect to find her in such a state. Immediatly she started spouting off apologies. Eskil wasn't having any of it.


"Asha, no, don't, I'm not- I'm not mad at you," He managed to say over her whimpering. The fact of it was, he was mad, but not at her. He was mad at himself. Quietly he damned himself for letting her leave him. This would have never happened if he had stayed with her, guarded over her. It was true he'd fucked up, but maybe he should have tried harder, apologized better, lingered longer and hoped that she could forgive him. If she'd been with him, this would have never happened. It couldn't have, he thought with a touch of bitterness.  But it was far too late for that now. He stepped closer to her, wanting to reach down and comfort her, but again he remembered how poorly she reacted to contact before. He stood motionless, his limbs feeling heavy and useless. 

"How, why-" He again struggled for the right words. "Who did this to you Asha?" He finally managed to ask, a touch of indignation seeping through his usually level tone. Truly he wanted to castrate the male who'd done this to her, gotten her pregnant only to leave her to languish on her own.

The cowering female looked up in bewilderment when the larger wolf told her that he was not angry with her. Round blue eyes squeezed shut in sorrow as he stepped forward, stopping just short of physical contact that she found herself craving. All she and Eirian had had was physical, but with Eskil... they'd only ever slept in the same den together for warmth, and then played when she was hormonal in the beginning of March. She'd longed for physical comfort before, but she had never given into it. Until now, that is. The monochromatic woman scooted forward, just a bit, and touched her muzzle to his paw, still pressing herself to the ground and keeping her tail tucked.

She tensed up a little when he asked who did this to her, and she immediately shook her head. "I did this to me," she mumbled, her body still shaking with some of the residual emotions that had pent up in her. "The man I was with - he's still around, sometimes, but... I don't..." She shut her eyes tightly, ears flat against her skull. She wasn't angry at Eirian, but she did not like him in the way she liked Eskil. "I don't want him. I didn't want this," she whispered, still making no move to lift her head or gaze. "I'm sorry, Eskil..."

The I wanted you, remained unsaid.

Eskil watched as Asha's cowering form slowly inched towards him like a plant seeking sunlight. Her pale muzzle finally made contact with his paw, and he waited as the words gradually came. 'I did this to me', she answered quietly, and his beige ears folded as he tried to understand. It seemed so unusual from what little he knew of the emotionally distant woman, that she had put herself into this. It was hard to imagine after her reaction to his flirting weeks ago, in which she was the one to tell him to find another female. Honestly, that hurt, to be pushed away like that only to find she'd been with another man. But that was not something he could say to her, or ever let her know he felt. 

He couldn't tell if it was the guilt making her say these things, or if she really meant them. Her soft voice seeped out, and she admitted that she wanted none of this. He tightly closed his eyes, his chest heaving in a slow exhale as he tried to steady himself. "No," He said firmly, dark eyes opening as he looked down at her. "No, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I should have- I should have been there for you. I shouldn't have just left you like that." He said softly, reaching down and lightly setting his forehead against hers. It was easier to put the blame on himself, even if he knew that realistically, it wouldn't have worked.

He accepted her proximity, and even told her that he should be the one who was sorry, which made literally no sense whatsoever to the loner. She tried to shake her head but he pressed his forehead to hers before she could even begin the gesture. She stilled for a moment, before leaning into the touch and absorbing all the comfort he was offering. After a month of being absolutely fucking terrified and, for the most part, on her own, the young woman allowed herself the rare moment of touch from someone she cared about deeply.

"I wish it had been you." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she was startled herself that her thoughts slipped out of her loose lips so easily. But now that they were out there, more followed, tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I didn't want you to go; I was just scared and you are too good for me, and I didn't want you to be trapped with a woman and children that you didn't want because I couldn't control myself and you would be too nice to leave us." She sent a side-eyed glance at her swollen belly in shame, her forehead still touching her companion's as she drew comfort from his very presence.

"I love-" She cut herself off quickly, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing closer to him as she did so. It would be completely unfair to do that to him now, after all she'd done to him already. She wasn't exactly sure what love was, in its truest form, but she knew enough to know that what she felt for Eskil was different, special, and unique. It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before.

The words spilled out so quickly he could hardly grasp them. He stayed close to her, his head pressed to her silvery temple, partly so that she could not see the emotions that were surely flicking across his face. In part he was shocked, again and again he felt like such a failure. 

A strange aching lump formed in his throat. Trapped with a woman and children, as if that was a bad thing. Oh, what a dream, for that's all it was. Something ephemeral and intangible that he once reached for. A family of his own, children to cherish, care for, raise, a mate beside him equal in all things. He'd come close once. But it all fell apart when he failed to bring their dream to fruition. They both had managed to hold it together for some time, but he could feel the disappointment every time his mate looked at him, and things hadn't been the same since. Maybe it was just a fluke, perhaps the next season he would have succeeded. But even if none would say it to his face, he knew what they all were thinking, saying in hushed tones. The Whitebark curse, they'd called it. And then for his battalion, there never was a next season. 

His breath stilled as the two solitary words floated into the empty space between them, unfinished and stilted. He was quiet for some time, in his chest sat the pain of losing something he'd never had. And would Asha have really stayed with him if she had known his curse? That he was less of a male? Could she love a wolf like that? "Asha, I wish... I wish we could have had something. But I can't... If it's children you wanted, I couldn't have given you them anyways." He said, his voice an almost imperceptible whisper, his cheeks flushing red hot beneath his fur in shame and embarassment.

She was grateful that he remained close, so that she could continue to absorb comfort from him. However, it seemed that it was not just her who needed the comforting - her friend needed it, as well. She pressed close to him when she felt that his mood began dropping, rising up a little to bury her nose in his neck. And then he spoke; her breath caught in her throat at his opening statement: "I wish we could have had something." She was about to ask if he'd found someone else when he continued on, telling her that he couldn't have given her puppies in the first place.

It took a moment for her to understand what he meant by that, but then it clicked. Infertility was not commonplace in her old pack, though it had arisen a few times. Since her pack valued the birth of new soldiers, those wolves had been looked down upon - sometimes chased out or even killed for show. Asha had never understood it, because she had felt terribly for all of the new pups born into their tyrannically-ruled gang, and had vowed never to bring her own offspring into that world.

Then the thought popped into her head - if she and Eskil had communicated more clearly, they might not have even split up in the first place. Her main concern had been of herself trapping him with puppies, and if that had not been part of the equation, then she wouldn't have been so worried. As it stood, however, she certainly wouldn't have viewed him any differently.

"I feel safe with you," she began, slowly, choosing her words carefully. "I feel emotions with you. You're the only wolf I've ever met who has ever made me happy." She pulled back, raising her ice-colored eyes to meet his spruce green ones, steeled with resolve but soft with affection. "I love you."

He expected her to express disgust, or pity, or disappointment in his quiet reveal, yet he found none of it from the monochrome woman. But the quiet that followed worried him, and he was afraid to look. When she began to speak again, it was clear that each word was picked with deliberation and care. He turned his evergreen gaze on her, surprised by the warmth in her pale ice eyes. This was not something easy for her to say, and so Eskil listened carefully. Though he didn't realize it, he held his breath as she revealed her emotions, how he made her feel safe and happy. He leaned into her, overwhelmed by the weight of it but glad that he had been a positive influence in her life. 

But he hadn't expected the three little words that came from her next. Eskil's pink tongue quickly flashed from his mouth, soothing over the leathery black surface of his nose. He didn't know- did she really love him? How could she? Was it truly love, or was he simply the first wolf to have shown her compassion? It was clear to him that she had lived a life of cruelty before this. Would she be gone when she realized that he wasn't the only male on the planet capable of kindness?

"I- I really like you, Asha," He said, his ears folding, sorry that he couldn't give her more than that. He didn't want to lie to her, but love felt like too strong of a word at this point, and it wasn't something he was ready to say to someone yet. "I want to see what this is," He lifted his chin, vaguely gesturing to whatever relationship they had between them. "I want to protect you. You and your pups." He gave a thin sigh, a pained look crossing his face. Things could not be that easy, nor that simple. "I want to help you in any way I can, Asha. But I have a life here now. A commitment. The pack in this forest, they need me, too."