This was it, Lenae was going to try and be social. She wanted this more than anything, to belong and feel like this was her home. But merely wanting it wasn't enough to make the process any easier.The thought alone-of having all eyes on her- was enough to send a shiver down her spine as a familiar queasy feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. What if she screwed up? What if, for all of her efforts, her fellow pack mates ended up hating her? What if they thought she was a mooch, just here to take advantage of their kindness?
Awful awful awful.
It wasn't like that, she wasn't like that, but if someone spat such accusations at her she knew she wouldn't be able to deny it, to argue otherwise. In a sense, she felt as though she deserved their-nonexistent- scorn. That all of this was too good to be true and they'd run her off, out these lands any day now.
Her expression was tight, pained, as she followed the goat path to the summit of the monadnock. She had to at least try, right? At least then they'd know she was making an effort, that their kindness was not in vain. She felt so exposed out in the open like this, with nothing between her and the edge of this giant rock. Slowly, as though she was creeping up on some unsuspecting rabbit, she approached the side and peered down the ledge. Wasn't this oh so familiar? A steep drop and a scary weight on her shoulders, a tenseness in her muscles as though she feared someone would shove her off and watch her fall.
Crack, crunch and she'd bleed to death on those rocks. Like that stranger had, atop that hill.
Lenae frowned and backed up slowly till she was several feet away from the edge. She wasn't a bird nor an angel, so there was no use in trying to fly. Her ears pressed flat to her skull as she glanced around the communal space, she appeared to be alone good. No one had witnessed her stupid little...relapse? She wasn't sure what to call it, or even how to refer to her dark thoughts and impulses. All she knew, was that they were bad things, shameful and that she should know better, do better.
At least she was alone, no one could see how stupid she really was, Or at least that was what she assumed, she hadn't even thought about checking to see if anyone was in the den. Stupid girl.