Clearwater Tarn Pack Thread

Cheedo watched her friend as she stopped pacing which she was glad for. It was clear that something was bothering the Selwyn woman but the question was what exactly. The tawny woman hoped that she could help with whatever it was but until she knew she couldn't be sure that she could help.

Her brow creased when Lenae said that she was worried and then went on to explain that it was the future of the Tarn. She could understand the worry, she worried too. The tarn had been meant to be a place where they all could find peace but too much had happened since they came to the mountain.

“I understand but I feel that we are alright what is it exactly that has you so worried?” It was best to talk this out and hopefully once they had Lenae's worries would be put to rest.

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It was hard to put into words, there wasn't a tangible threat pounding at their door. Rather it was the sense of uncertainty, as though the floor would cave in beneath their very paws. The Tarn was supposed to be a new beginning for them all, a chance to start over again, but perhaps it just wasn't meant to be- maybe Lenae should just go home.

"I like it here, I really do. But does.... does it feel right to you?"She flicked her tail gently, as though to gesture to the scenery around them. She swallowed thickly as her voice became strained and tight, like she was going to cry. Knowing her she probably was. "What are we even fighting for Cheedo? Are we just here because we don't know what else to do? I-I can't live like this."

And there it was, her selfish streak had reared up it's head once more. What of Jenny? What did her daughter need? She certainly seemed happy here, but did her pup even know better?

Cheedo was worried that Piety stepping down would cause some problems for the pack members. She hadn't realized it would go so far as what Lenae was describing to her. She knew that there would be adjustments that needed to be made. Her insecurities started to surface but she did what she could to push them down. She couldn't let them come out during such an important conversation.

Lenae's question was met with a shake of her head. “I know it doesn't feel right now but it's only been a couple of days since Piety stepped down. We need to take some time and adjust.” Almost since she'd come to the lore Piety had always been the one in charge so of course it made sense that things seemed off. “We are fighting for our place and we're here because it's where we chose to make our home, place where we could find happiness and peace after what happened.”

Cheedo's brow creased when Lenae said she couldn't live like she was, “You can't live like what?” She asked wanting to make sure there wasn't any question.

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Time to adjust. It was all well and good saying everything would be fine, but would it? Experience had taught Lenae that change was never a good thing, that a shift in leadership was a sure sign that the worst was yet to come. Maybe things would be different here, Cheedo was no tyrant after all, but what if? She couldn't live with such a heavy question hovering over her head, like a guillotine ready to drop.

Lenae shook her head. Cheedo's words made sense, they were the right thing to say in a moment like this, but they didn't settle right with the Selwyn. She just couldn't hold onto them right, every time she tried they slipped through her grasp, like sand.

"I want-I need more, Cheedo. I'm so tired of being...haunted. It's like we're ghosts up here, just going through the motions, watching the world go by."

Was this a fate she wanted for Jenny? They were safe, yes, but was existing just enough? She couldn't help but feel as though her daughter was missing out, that she deserved so much more than a mother who felt as though she was barely even living.

"I want to go home."Just speaking of it made tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Home, a place she thought she'd never see again. Not till she died.

Cheedo could understand Lenae's worries and fears, she'd been through a lot in her life. Now with Piety stepping down the tawny woman did wonder if their former alpha would return to her rightful place, she hoped she would of course. Still it was there in the back of her mind.

The best she could do was try and reassure everyone that things would be okay. They were strong as long as they stuck together. She had to believe that so that she could be the best leader she could be. It wasn’t something she’d ever done before and that scared her, she’d seen Piety lead for awhile now. It couldn’t be that hard right?

Then Lenae spoke of feeling haunted and how they were ghosts just going through the motions. Cheedo’a brow furrowed, “What do you think would make you feel that we were more than just ghosts going through the motions?” She asked willing to hear whatever her friend had to say on the matter. “I understand why you feel that way Lenae but I think that all of us are still recovering from the losses that we’ve suffered. I think once we get through those we will be able to move on and do more than go through the motions.”

Cheedo was doing what she could to comfort the new mother but then Lenae hit her with something that made her take a step backward. She just wanted to go home, “You would leave all of us behind? What about Jenny? Her father and her friends are here. And Piety, she really needs our support right now.” The tawny woman wasn’t sure there was much else to say, if Lenae didn’t want to be in the tarn was there anything she could do to stop her from leaving?

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That was the issue. She felt as though something was wrong, but there were no quick fixes that sprung to her mind. Even if Piety took back leadership tomorrow that wouldn't magically make everything right. Lenae supposed that since the birth of her daughter she'd been on a slow decline, blinded by maternal instincts till it was almost too late.  She was a fool to think that having a child would magically sort out the mess that was her mind, if anything it made it worse. Made things all the more complicated. Her sense of loyalty pricked at her skin like thorns, the more she struggled with the idea of leaving the deeper they cut.

"But how?" It just didn't make sense. Lenae simply couldn't wrap her head around it. And maybe...she didn't want to.

Lenae flinched then, hard. 'Don't do that, don't look at me like that', was all Lenae could think as her ears swept back, her gaze averted.

"I wouldn't bring her with me. It's too dangerous I- I don't know what I will find. If anything's left or not." Lenae could barely speak, the words felt lodged in her throat.

What if it was as bad as she feared? What if they still reigned? The thought of walking right back into the grasp made her feel sick, tears pricked at her eyes. She knew she couldn't go through that again, she'd sooner die than become a man's plaything again. But what if she was worried over nothing, what if-somehow- things had gotten better? She needed to know, being left in the dark was killing her, burning her from the inside out.

Even though there had been puppies born into the pack and they had made their home Cheedo could see easily that what Lenae said was true. They were at what seemed like a standstill in their lives. Sometimes it felt like they were waiting for something to happen that never did. She wasn't sure if it was something that could be helped in action or in waiting. She knew time could be a big help in moving on, she'd come so far in accepting the deaths of her children and she felt she'd recovered some after Wraith but she knew she wasn't done healing.

“I'm not really sure,” she admitted, “I want to say we just need to be patient and let things run their course. On the other paw that might not be the answer and there might be something we need to do.” She didn't like not being able to give Lenae a certainty but she just didn't know.

“I don't understand Lenae, why go home if you don't want to take Jenny with you? Would you he coming back?” It didn't make sense to the tawny woman. She hoped that her friend wasn't telling her that she was going to abandon her daughter in the tarn.

It wasn't that Cheedo minded that they would have to take care of the pup, she cared a lot about Jenny. She just worried how the young girl would take the absence of her mother.

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"It's the not knowing that hurts the most."She admitted, her gaze flitting to the glistening surface of the Tarn. It was truly beautiful, but was that enough? "I don't know what we're supposed to do, what Wraith would want."

The last thing she wanted was to spit on Piety's legacy, nor did she want to deny Cheedo the chance to try and fix things. If that was even possible. Maybe she was just getting ahead of herself, tangled up in her worries and fears till it was all she could think about. Perhaps she needed to take more time, to actually consider what she was going to do before she ran off into the sunset with her tail between her legs.

"I guess...I need to know if anyone is alive. If it's all gone." Her shoulders sagged. "I'll stay."It hurt to say it, but she would, for now. "I've been gone for so long, what's a little while longer?"

Cheedo nodded, “It isn't easy not knowing and I wish I could tell you everything was going to be alright but it wouldn't be fair to when I don't know myself.” The tawny woman really did wish that she could have all the answers for her friend. “I think Wraith would want us to stick together but I also think he would want us to he happy.” Their former alpha hadn't ever presented himself as a wolf who would want anything else than that for them.

Change was always hard especially when you've lived a certain way for a long time. She knew this lesson well and maybe that was why moving to the tarn and now becoming leader wasn't so hard on her. She'd changed homes and leaders in the past of course this was different since she was the leader now. Still she didn't know how to convey to Lenae how she felt deep down inside things would be okay.

After the other woman had explained things a little further Cheedo gave some thought. Since it seemed to be just a visit. “If you need to go and find out then you should. Get some closure if that is what your after Lenae. Leave Jenny, I think she'll be okay as long as she knows your coming back, and we'll take care of her.” If it was the fact she didn't know what happened at home that had her so upset then Cheedo could see she needed to go.

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Lenae trusted the wolves of the Tarn, she knew that Odin would always look out for their daughter. Heck, even Pi would, as the pup saw her as somewhat of grandmotherly figure. Either way, even if Lenae did leave, Jenny would be safe and happy. That much she knew to be true. But at least for now she would take some time to consider it, to try and brush the cobwebs aside to see the light of day.

"Thank you Cheedo. For everything." Unable to stop herself, Lenae stepped forward and leaned on Cheedo in a loving embrace.

Fade