Sanguine Cove round here, we always stand up straight

Random Event: Sanguine Cove, the winter storms have made some parts of your territory hard to traverse. For @Aquene only.

Chan still looked for Kajika, even when he could no longer hope to find anything more than a corpse. His mother deserved closure, and he wanted to know too. Had his godfather met his fate here upon the mountain, or had he silently taken off to spend his final months with his wife and children instead?

He was headed up into the pass that connected the valley to the rest of the serpent's spine to search again, but the snow grew thicker and harder to traverse the farther along he got. Rather than seeking a different route, Chan simply plowed on. A trail was left his wake, its walls growing higher at a subtle grade. He would be easy to find for anyone who searched, at least until the next snowfall.

Times had been hard. Even now, she still faced regular melancholy over the loss of her friend, the father of her firstborn… in moments like this, she was reminded of Peyter, the loss of the little boy during her first time giving birth… it was the bad that always had a way of bringing up all of the losses that they all had endured over the years.

She had been out for a walk, getting some air after checking in on all of her children who were still located within the Cove. She wanted to soon make a venture down to Dead Empress Backwater, to discuss the state of their stores with the impending winter on the horizon and already showing it’s features with Clover… but also to check in on Kateri.

She still wished she would return home.

It was then that she caught the familiar form of Chan on the horizon, a soft smile upon seeing her brother in law that still struggled to reach her eyes. “Chan… how have you been feeling?” Admittedly, she had been worried since his return at the borders, with the panic that had settled in that she’d needed herbs to draw him out of.

Aquene Slayer

Chan didn't much expect company, but also wasn't surprised when he heard someone call his name. He stopped his shoveling and turned to spot Aquene approaching. It was easier, with time, to put on a mask in these moments than it had been when he'd first arrived back at the Cove's borders. He greeted his in-law with a smile, and gentle wagging of his tail.

"Hey. I'm good. How about you?"

He wasn't blind to how hard she had taken Aleister's death, not just because of the loss but also because of the immense expectations she'd placed on herself. Impossible ones, given the circumstances. He doubted those feelings had dissipated easily, and figured that if it was anything like the loss of his litter she would be dealing with them for years to come.

They didn't have to talk about any of that, though. Chan would be perfectly content if they kept things simple, superficial.

There was a smile and a gentle wagging of his tail, but yet her worries still persisted. He said he was good, but her mind simply lingered on the border, just as she often fretted over Nash and his PTSD… something just wasn’t right, but perhaps that was her own trauma mirroring onto him.

“I’m hanging in there.” She would not say she was good, not when she was still reeling from the death of their friend. She tried to sound upbeat even, masking in her own way without saying an outright lie, but it didn’t quite hit right. “I wanted to check on you though.” She would state, her eyes softening lightly as she fell into step beside him.

“About your return… freezing up…” She had seen it before, of course. They needed to talk about it, because otherwise she would drive herself crazy with worry… she still probably would, but at least this would give her something to ease her worries a bit.

Aquene Slayer

Apparently, Chan would have no such luck. Just as his mother and brother had, Aquene attempted to pull at the frayed threads holding him together. His smile dissipated like their cloudy breaths, and he looked away from her out over their surroundings.

"What about it?" he asked, voice calm and tempered so far. Familiar with dancing around these things, he hoped she would take the hint and leave the matter be. Something told him she likely wouldn't, however. After all, hadn't he been the one to send her after his brother's own troubles, pulling that sensitive issue to light? Maybe he deserved it being done to him in return.

Too bad Chan would not allow that.

She would not pry into his troubles, not yet and possibly not even that day… instead she focused on the physical symptoms as they had been presented. Her own numbness over everything that had happened as of late driving her to not want to ostracize the family that she had left, especially when Chan had already left once before.

“Has it happened before?” She would ask simply, feeling the question still fell within a familiar sense of comfort that the two shared as close friends and now family, even if it was not by blood. “I can help… with the physical reactions to it… there are herbs that can help draw you out of it.” She wasn’t sure if it was a recurring issue, but she knew it could be dangerous.

What if he froze up in a fight against a cougar? Or during a hunt where a moose then struck him in the face? She refused to lose everyone else; even if he would not talk to her right now, she was hellbent to at least help him manage whatever was going on.

Aquene Slayer

Chan couldn't help a small, wry smile from briefly appearing over his muzzle even as he felt very little humor over the matter. Aquene moved forward clinically, just as he should have expected from the woman he appointed shaman. He gave her a quizzical look, brows drawing together easily to feign mild confusion while she made her offer.

"What, dehydration like that?" he guessed, head tilting with his words. A toothy smile even found its way to his dark lips, almost a playful admonishment. Chan spoke as though she worried too much.

"I don't think a droughts gonna hit like that again any time soon, we're all fine Ne."

She wished her uncle were here. He would know how to talk to Chan about something like this, but right now she was at a loss for what to say or do. She didn’t know if prying would cause more harm than good; he seemed fine right now but then they always seemed fine until they weren’t. Even herself… she was fine until she wasn’t, be it a memory or a dream… it would make her heart ache and threaten to tear her in two.

“I’ve never seen dehydration present like that before, Chan.” She would state with a frown, that worried look carrying over to her eyes. She didn’t wish to guilt him into speaking, it was not her intention, but she felt so powerless and this was something that she could help with.

“I’ve seen symptoms like this before, Chan… In Nash, in my Aunt Lilya… please, talk to me. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, not even Nash.” With that, there was a plead, a soft whine. She just wanted to try and hold them all together as best she could, as if bandaids could help fix bulletholes and their hearts weren’t already shattered into a million pieces.

Aquene Slayer

She didn't accept it, and Chan took a measured breath that he strove to keep from being noticeable. It was vital that he remained calm and affable if he wanted to keep up the pretense he'd lead with, and knew the regret that could come if his tongue was not guarded. She spoke of symptoms and he had to bite back a comment about her possible lack of experience in the area, something he might not have done were she not practically family. Contrary to popular belief, the eldest Eastfall son did indeed possess thorns, and they only came out when he was threatened with being forced to bare a part of his heart he did not wish to.

Aquene went on to compare him to his brother, and it was factual that he had not considered his grief in the context of trauma. He hadn't been the one whose life was lost, who had been violently assaulted- he hadn't even been there when the worst of it all happened... Chan would never tell another wolf that they needed to earn validation for what they've gone through, and simultaneously could not afford himself that same grace.

In the grand scheme of things, compared to all the suffering that wracked the living, he should only consider himself lucky.

"I think maybe," he spoke carefully, and not without kindness, "you might be so scared you're not going to catch something, that you're starting to see signs that aren't there. I promise you, Aquene," he took a step closer, meeting her gaze to impress earnestly upon her, "I'm okay. We're all okay. You're doing an amazing job we just, can't control everything that happens to us."

Think of the lost children. Think of your own worries, even your insecurities. Think of anything else but what you think you see in me.

She hadn’t quite been expecting her own reactions. She had viewed herself as pushing ahead, strong and powerful and there to help those around her… but in his way, unintentionally as clear by the kindness still lingering in his voice, he managed to say that one words that would shatter that image about herself.You might be so scared you’re not going to catch something, that you’re starting to see signs that aren’t there. She physically paused her gait, feeling as though the wind had been knocked out from her. For the briefest of seconds, she struggled to breathe.

Of course he was right… she was terrified of missing something, of another one of them dying around her. The crippling sense of failure she had been fighting against since her mother’s death, especially since Aleister’s death, weighing over her and washing over like a tsunami, soaking her to the core in the brutal reality that she had failed, and that she was a failure… it’s just only Chan was telling her the truth. They were all lying to her; they all saw her for what she was. She couldn’t save anybody.

It was the perfect concoction in her mind, reminding her that she couldn’t save a fly if she tried. She felt the tears beginning to prick her eyes, attempting to fight and hold them back. It was all she had done, holding back how she felt while trying to keep everyone else together. It was slowly etching out a chasm in her heart, threatening to pull her over a dangerous edge… one she had been pretending didn’t exist for so long.

And all it had to show for it was a blank look on her face, a vacant stare as she checked out from reality, frozen in place, not hearing the words that came after that. The tears would start to fall but there would be no awareness at all… she wouldn’t hear the praise, the fact that she was doing an ‘amazing job’, because instead all she heard was an echo chamber of failure and not good enough.

Aquene Slayer