Heartleaf Creek all my love and terror

Vanadis couldn't help but linger at the border, worrying as she shifted her weight from one paw to the other. It was too late now, she was here and her scent already blanketed the ground. She'd have to do it, have to face them, but... how could she? And after all she had done? It suddenly felt so impossible. Maybe she shouldn't have even come. Her mother was right. Her mother was always, always right.

His scent was there, the same as it had always been. Eros' was there too, but many were missing. Too many. She really, really shouldn't have come. This was.. too much already. And she wasn't ready. Torn ears flattened, as she backed away. Later. She'd come back later. Some other time. Maybe next summer, or spring.

No.

She could do this. She had to. She had no choice. Pale ears flattened as her nose tilted towards the sky, her call ringing out across the Backwater.

(This post was last modified: Mar 05, 2024, 11:13 PM by Vanadis.)

This had to be a dream surely. The Valle man was frozen in place breathing in short gasps while also trying to inhale every last second of the scent. It had been a normal border patrol until that call had echoed across the frozen territory and everything had changed. It felt like when Nash had called for him last winter and he had to dig another grave. But, this time someone was coming back from the dead.

He wasn’t even fully sure how he had gotten here, one minute he was frozen on his patrol and now he was standing here a few feet away from her. It smelled like her, the howl had sounded like her, but whenever he had pictures her coming home she had looked like she always had. This woman looked like his mate, but marred by extensive scarring across her face and body. It felt like every emotion possible was building in his chest, anger, sadness, joy, jealousy, and then he finally settled on numb.

Because this couldn’t be real, she couldn’t really be here.

Except she was.

He stared at her, each emotion flashing across his face for only a second before the next one came. And for once in his life, he was at a total loss for words. The only one he could managed was barely a whisper, ”Vanadis.”

Vanadis couldn't be sure how long it took Viorel to appear; days, minutes, seconds. Perhaps he'd just manifested in the spot he now stood. There really was no telling because the second her gaze landed on his form any cohesive thought left her body. So much time had passed, yet he remained largely the same. His coat, his scent... she was hardly sure that he'd even aged in their time apart.

Pale ears flattened as the emotions danced across his face. What was he thinking? Seeing? It made her want to hide, to disappear, but there was nowhere to hide. Not anymore.

Her name fell from his tongue, whispered so quietly that Vanadis couldn't be sure he'd said anything at all, at least not with the pounding crescendo forming behind her eardrums. "Vi." It was all she could think to say, all she could allow herself to say. Her crown dipped lightly, an offering of respect, an attempt to retreat into herself. "I.." She what? She was sorry? "It's.." Gods, why hadn't she rehearsed this? "Hi." What a pathetic response.

(This post was last modified: Mar 05, 2024, 11:14 PM by Vanadis.)

She was different, but she was still beautiful. So beautiful that he felt his tongue tied up to the roof of his mouth when she said his name, so familiar. It felt like he had been drowning deep in the ocean and had finally broken through the surface to take his first deep breath in a long time. So he took it, a deep breath that shuddered when he released it. He took a step forward, ”Hi,” he repeated, then let out a quiet chuckle.

It felt awkward, like he was talking to the first girl he had ever had a crush on who didn’t even know his name. Only she did know his name, she knew everything about him. Or, she had.

He took a step forward, and then another, until he was standing close enough that he could reach out to touch her. He almost did, reaching out with his muzzle and then hesitating just inches away from one of the scars on her face. He whispered again, ”what happened?” He knew what Vayko had said, but seeing her here now felt different. He needed to hear it from her.

Vanadis suddenly didn't know what to do with her face, her limbs, her ears. Was she supposed to look at him, look at the ground? It was as if she'd never been in this body before, as if she'd been abruptly forced into existence without any instruction. Her paws seemed too still, her head too heavy, her brows too... indecisive.

Then came the question, the one she knew he would ask. "What happened?" So much. So much had happened and yet Vanadis didn't feel like it rose to the level he'd be expecting. Where to even start? "Vayko and I, we were.. there were loners. They found us. Found me." But they'd taken care of that. "We were a little banged up, but nothing too bad." And Vayko was here, that much she could tell from the scents mingling around the border.

"Then we were separated. There was a blizzard and I couldn't find him. I looked, but he was just gone." But that's not what Viorel wanted to hear, none of it had been. She was stalling. "I had to give up, I had to go. I couldn't look forever." It would have been better if she had. "So I kept going. I found my way home... but not before they found me. The loners, they.. we'd hurt their pride, and I still had a limp from our first run-in with them. I was all alone. There were too many for just me. I tried to run, but they were just.. so persistent. They attacked me, left me for dead. Said Vayko would be next." She knew now how it felt to be the deer, ripped apart by a pack of wolves.

"It took.. a long time for me to heal." Physically, yes, but emotionally as well. "I.. I couldn't be alone. I had nightmares. I.. still do." Excuses. That's what it sounded like to her. "Mom was sick, too. I just.. I'm so sorry, Vi. I should have come home sooner. I wanted to, I just.. couldn't." Stupid. She sounded so stupid. She'd abandoned her family. She could have fought harder to come home, but she'd given up. She'd let fear keep her from them.

(This post was last modified: Mar 05, 2024, 11:17 PM by Vanadis.)

Her story made his heart sink as he looked over all of her scars, and as she continued his anger towards Vayko only continued to grow. He had trusted his cousin to keep her safe and she had practically died on his watch. If roles had been reversed he would have starved before he stopped looking for Clover, would not have returned without the prize he had been keeping. He reached out gently to press his forehead against her cheek.

The contact was precious. But, then she finished what she had to say and he reared away as if he had been beaten. Anger flared in his eyes and he spat, ”You could have.” Had she been so injured that she had not been able to return he could have let it go, welcomed her back with open arms. But, knowing she was physically capable and chose not to was something else entirely.

He couldn’t even look at her, ”Do you even realize what you missed? That we had members looking for you for months before we finally had to give up? Are you even sorry that Archer and Eros had to finish growing up without their mother?” Then he finally did look at her and his voice grew louder, ”Isla is gone, Archer was banished after breaking pack breeding laws and came back only to leave again. Nix gone.” But, there was one more to say and his voice cracked on her name, ”Sephrina died. And you weren’t here for any of it” By the end he was no longer yelling, just a hoarse voice rubbed raw from pain.

His forehead pressed against her, finally, sending a wave of butterflies fluttering through her stomach. She leaned into his touch, savoring it. But Vanadis kept speaking, kept babbling word after word, and he was gone. The spot where he had been felt far colder than it should have. Her gaze swept to him, watching as his demeanor changed, as his body shifted.

Pale ears flattened as he repeated her words back to her. "You could have." This was the reaction she'd been expecting. He was not wrong. She had been a coward, too afraid of braving the wilds alone, too afraid of running into them, too afraid of this exact moment to make the journey once her body had healed.

Viorel continued, his words lashing out like acid on her skin. Everything he thought, everything he felt, he did not hold back. One bomb after another. She'd missed it all. Shock, disbelief, anger, there was too much to feel. A broken sob bubbled up from her throat. Gone. How could they be gone? What did that even mean? And Archer.. Eros.. it was too much.

She felt so small, so stupid. Her fear had kept her away and they had all suffered for it. Alone. She was pathetic.

Vanadis did not speak until he was done, could not have even if she'd wanted to. "She.. Sephrina..." the name felt forbidden on her tongue, like she was underserving of forming the syllables it took. "What?" Her voice was small, broken. The others were gone, but she was dead. The daughter she'd never really known, gone. She'd missed her chance.

Vanadis let out a sob and her words made her seem small, like a child rather than an adult. For a brief moment Viorel felt bad for the fact that his words were what hurt her, but the second she said Sephrina’s name and the anger was fast to return. It felt better to be angry, even if he knew it wasn’t fully fair. His nose wrinkled unhappily as he felt forced to explain, ”Her eyes were never right, by the end she could barely see at all. The Cove knew that, they knew they were supposed to keep a close eye on her during the exchange but they didn’t.” There was a lot of blame thrown around, but that was one point he had never been able to get past, why weren’t they watching her?

He couldn’t look at Vanadis now, not from anger but from shame, the leader’s head hung low, ”She went through the ice and they didn’t get her out in time. Isla saw the whole thing and took off, nobody saw her for months. By the time I found her she was dark and angry and only came home for a couple of months before taking off without a word.” He couldn’t do this, couldn’t keep rehashing everything that had happened while she was away, while she had kept being away by her own choice.

Looking back up, his face was twisted and bitter, ”Why did you come back? Why now?” Why not when they had all needed her? What was so different about today of all days?

She didn't want to hear it, the truth of what had happened to Sephrina, but Vana had lived in denial for far too long. It was time to wake up and deal with the reality of what had happened in her absence, of what had happened because of her absence.

"The Cove?" Her anger flared, though it had little right to do so. "Why weren't they watching her?" Why hadn't she been there to watch over their daughter? And Isla.. to have witnessed it..

"I.." It was a question that deserved an answer, one that Viorel deserved to hear. "I decided I wasn't going to be afraid anymore." It wasn't profound, but it was the truth. "I am here to face you and ask to come home, whatever the consequences. I want to know them, know our children. I want.." to know you again. "to come home."

For just a moment Viorel felt validated in his anger and a sense of connection with the woman he once thought he would spend his life with. His nostrils flared and he responded quickly, ”A question I asked them myself, a question they’ve still failed to answer.” They hadn’t even returned Isla to them, he had come across her himself and by then it was too late. She was practically lost by then even if she was physically alright.

But, the moment was short lived and he retreated back into the cold shell he had been trying to build. He looked her over quietly and finally responded, ”I’m not the only one you need to ask for forgiveness. I’ll let my co-lead decide whether or not you deserve a chance to come home.” He lifted his muzzle to call for Eros, resigned to accept whatever decision that his son made. Then, he allowed himself one more second of weakness and he looked back to Vanadis with kinder eyes, ”I’m glad that you’re okay.” He skulked backward, ready to take a backseat in whatever this was about to evolve into. A quiet, angry, presence.