Oak Tree Bend Burning sun

@Sahalie This okay? I've been meaning to get one up. Some days after the meeting before she goes North. No rush. Pinn and Rachel I hope the reference to Reiko and Treyah is ok.  <3

I'll be the bright, and black, that's making you run

It had taken a good part of his energy to wear the pups out, and then persuade them to sleep. Especially, why he was still in pain, but he managed. Thankfully they were still considerably small, and easy to entertain. Besides it had been worth it. Tucked beside him, in the shade of the den he listened to their steady breathing, his own eyes closed. It was a sweet lullaby, taking him into his own slumber when he caught the sound of faint steps followed by a familiar scent.

Eyelids lifted, taking in her dark brown coat, and the treat in her jaws for her siblings no doubt.  It looked like she had every intention of dropping it and running off. Even though he understood, this saddened him. He was afraid of losing her like he had Drift, and Zera.

"I rather you stay,"he murmured. Shifting enough that his bright eyes found hers. "Their mom is on a walk, and we haven't talked in awhile." Since she was going to be taking a trip he felt like now was as good as any. One never knew if another opportunity would arise, nor what should happen in her departure. There was a lot left unsaid. So much he wanted to tell her.

Triell Tainn

(This post was last modified: Aug 12, 2016, 03:47 PM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

i am SO sorry this took me so long to get to. moving up north + job hunting and like...suddenly its a month later and I feel bad :C

The rabbit fell from her jaws and made a thud that made the tension in the atmosphere feel somehow even worse, as if it's loudness called attention to the silence between a father and his daughter—and then his other daughter. Her dad knew her too well. And sure, it was wrong for her to be avoiding him in this way, but she was so sure he knew how she felt about Naira and knew what consequences would result from him holing up in here with her. Yeah, he had to watch his new kids, but what about her? Thankfully, she was busy enough with her own duties and the other puppies that she could distract herself from this monstrous selfishness that grabbed hold of her heart whenever her father came to mind. Slack-jawed, the girl stared at him, sitting down.

It was good that Naira wasn't here. That at least made Sahalie feel a little better: feel like this wasn't some intervention. "What do you wanna talk about," she chirped, trying to sound like she wasn't nervous. Maybe it still was an intervention. Everything felt so serious. When did everything become so serious? Was this what adulthood was like?

"We're not gunna wake them?" she asked, not wanting to disturb their nap cycle that, no doubt, Naira had carefully monitored and maintained.

<33 I hope it's clear they are outside the den. >.< I couldn't remember if I put it very well that way.

I'll be the bright, and black, that's making you run

Dark ears twisted at the plop, but his eyes did not leave hers. Yes, there was a lot between them now. It seemed after Nayeli had disappeared it had only grown. A great beast he wished he could rid of.

Like the good child she was, she stayed. Trying, he wasn't sure to put him or herself more at ease with a question. He had a vague inclination of where he wanted to start. But, he was afraid. This gap between them was being fed at an alarming rate.

"No, I don't think we will. Once they are asleep, they usually stay." He replied, keeping his voice soft for all of their sake. It would be easier to let her slink off, but he wasn't getting any younger. After his injury, and the coming winter who could say what would rain down upon them.

What did he want to talk about. "Lots of things actually. But, I really wanted to tell you I think it's great you want to go see Kisla. Especially, with Alastor. You two could use the adventure. I know you'll watch out for each other." There was a smile that rested on his muzzle, true to the words he spoke. As for the rest he had had it in his head how he could start the next part of the conversation. He decided to stick with his gut.

"Remember when you were little, and you asked me about your name? It is true your grandfather's had a part in it. But, I always wanted to tell you, your mother was the one who came up with it. I liked it because it sounded like hers, made me think of the sun. Much like your eyes.." There was a small sigh he couldn't hold back. "You definitely get your optimism from her. Light in the shadow. I thought it was time you knew. And if you would like to know more it's only up to you to ask." When she was little Nayeli had only been a name. Even now she seemed just a ghost. She had been more than that. Thoughtfully, he watched her take it all in. He had never been sure if Hal would like her birth mother to remain this way. So, he felt like he should at least give her the opportunity to know he had no qualms in telling her about her.

It was the other matter. The elephant in the room, that was keeping them apart he wanted to address once and for all. "Then, there is Naira. I realize she's a stranger to you. But, you want no part of her company. I'm afraid what that means for Reiko and Treyah." If anything happened to him, he would like to think they would have their big sister. " So before you go I just wanted to understand Sahalie how you feel. If something happened. I never expected her to be like Spieden is to you..." Words hung in the air.  The mountain queen had been part of the pack, in the middle of the mess. He wouldn't had thought they would have been here. He would need to explain their relationship. It was one tangled mess he wasn't sure he understood.

Triell Tainn

(This post was last modified: Sep 28, 2016, 11:03 PM by Sahalie.)

are you with me through it all?

/vibrates omg

For discomfort or for guilt she could not hold her father's gaze for very long, and her head turned away towards the forest as she vaguely took in the shape of the trees and the light and tried not to wonder where any of this was going. "That's good," she commented in a matched whisper, for as much time as she spent around all the cubs she really felt like she had no idea how they worked or how one raised them. Somehow it all felt like one crazy mystery. But clearly this was not why she was here, and anxiously she waited for her father to begin, finding now that she was here next to him she wanted, no needed to hear some explanation from him. And if that was not the direction he intended to steer this conversation in then Sahalie would steer it there herself. It was time she stopped running away from the elephant in the room moose in the forest. Her paws began to itch when the blessing for the journey ahead of her was given because, sure, the sentiment was nice, but she felt in a rush to reach the heart of the topic. Almost on autopilot, the girl bobbed her head in agreement.

Yet as her father's head tipped as if it might allow some secrets to spill out just by a small movement, a new topic picked up that was far removed from any expectations Sahalie had possessed about this not-intervention-but-intervention. Her name? The girl looked at her father with one gently twisting ear. She remembered that, sure. It would have been around this time of year, the girl thought, before realizing no: this would have been the moon of her father's absence. That sure did sour the moment. Her head bobbed again. And then autopilot flicked off all together as her ears snagged on that painful word mother.

Sahalie had never really wondered anything about her mother. Ever. The girl had spent a great deal of time thinking that Nayeli might have been a made up wolf, never existed at all, and learning that she had been her "real" mother had never kindled a desire to ask any questions or to wonder more. Her dad spoke but the girl was lost in some painful, half-lit memories of Spieden's uncomfortable stare and a wordless desire to be loved by something, by anything. She had these things, now, and she had never thought there had been a hole in her life, never remembered a hole in her life, and she wished it would go away. Part of her did not want to hear anything about Nayeli. But the other part of her was so curious about what kind of woman her dad was with before he tied himself to Naira. If only for that. 

With a jolting surprise the girl realized two things: that the "lee" sound of her name could have ever come from a woman who had given her nothing; and that her name itself might have some connection to the sun before the girl had ever introduced herself to the world.

It was another thing, though, to accept that Sahalie was something like her mother. She didn't like knowing this. Somehow it was very painful. Unimaginably painful to feel, for the first time in her life, abandoned by a woman who—if she was really anything like Sahalie—would have never ever ever left. Her eyes turned towards her father and they were now sparkling with dismay, her jaws parting as she shrugged, not knowing if she wanted to hear anything else. She did not think she did.

And then yes: there was Naira. Knowing as little as she did about Nayeli, Naira and her father made even less sense than it ever had. Her father was a good man, a man who felt things deeply and thought about things a lot and enjoyed the sensation of being connected, and his being with a woman who was optimistic, a light in the shadow, made sense. But how could... The thought was derailed, however, by the names of her two new siblings and she stared at her father in disbelief, hurt that he could ever think she would hold her feelings for Naira against two innocent children. Naira was Naira. Reiko an Treyah were family. She hoped her eyes said as much, for she could not find the words in the thick of so many springing to mind.

"That's... that's not it, though," she said, "I never wanted you to find me a new mother and I... I don't know I don't care that... you're with someone else. I just... why her? What do you see in her?" How could she live with the idea that her father was such a poor judge of character? Well, clearly she could still live in denial about whether or not the whole "mother replacement" thing mattered. She'd done that long enough, for sure. "I just don't understand. It's like one day you were my dad and then you left to go look for some woman I never met with some woman no one knows and when you came back you... I don't know you were just with her all the time. I... like.... I needed you. But it just felt like you were hiding somewhere with her all the time, even when you were around. You were with her all the time and I wanted you with me." Her breathing was heavy and her face was pouty.

(This post was last modified: Sep 28, 2016, 11:56 PM by Sahalie.)

There is a family of deer nearby. Hunt Opportunity

I'll be the bright, and black, that's making you run

The mention of Nayeli seemed to do little, but bring fourth the sharp silence, and sign of distress when she decided to return his gaze. It was a given he guessed. The man made note. Maybe, he was the only hanging onto her. Even now he couldn't think ill of his lost mate. There were too many monsters out there for him to believe she had left them by her choice. He wasn't sure he wanted to press this. Making her miss someone she never knew."Very well," he gently murmured. Clearly, stating he would leave it. At least try.

A lump took a seat at the top of his throat. Hal took time to be with her siblings, sure. The emotion that played in her eyes broke his heart. He had put that hurt there. The very idea he would worry she wouldn't claim Reiko or Treyah. But, he hadn't thought Darrah would cast aside his own mother. That Drift would rather be else where. Nor Zera too would have chosen another place to live. So he had to know she didn't see them differently, and never would. "Wait, I'm not saying you treat them like nothing or you will. I just..after this hunt.. If something happened to me I would like to know they will have you to look to. I see the leader in you. I know what the Bend means to you sweetheart. I think one day it could be yours. I want to know no matter what may happen you will all try to stay in touch. Look out for each other." He hadn't really wanted to shove responsibility on her. He didn't know how else to put it. She was an adult now even if he still saw a girl.

The father was silent when she found her voice. Dark brows knit together with his concern. The question she had every right to ask, to know. Why Naira? His tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. This was only part of it. Suddenly, his ears flattened, sadness creeping in his fiery eyes. He should have been here for those weeks. There would have been no reason for this. Those words wouldn't have wounded him. If he wasn't being used for a pillow he would have went to her, and swept his nose over her cheek. It wouldn't make it all better. Now he understood why it was. She had wanted, and needed her dad. She had never quite gotten him to herself. Now his attention was even more divided. If that wasn't soul crushing he didn't know what was.

"Sahalie, I should have been there. You should have only shared me with Drift. But, I can't change the choice I made..." A pause. He figured one way or another he would kick himself over the decision he had made. Sure enough, they had suffered. "If I could I'd keep you and Drift right here." Eyes had dipped down to the young ones. They had little time without him. "I can't, and I'm not sure how to make it better." A heavy sigh with a heavy frown, he gently lifted his gaze. "I should have realized what kept you from me and done something sooner." He had been drowning, and Naira had helped keep his head up. Hal had taken to going with Spieden here and there. Then Drift had gotten lost, and another search party.

"I think you should know. Maybe, my search seemed like a lost cause. But, it isn't that simple. It's because I couldn't believe she would do such a thing I left you two in the first place. What I felt were in capable paws. I was so afraid she was hurt again, waiting for me to find her. I couldn't live without myself if I hadn't tried. Your mother didn't leave you because she wanted to." Sometimes he still had those haunting dreams. He fervently shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder how no one tells me I've lost my head." It was a light-hearted joke. Losing one woman taking another. Everything in between with Drestig.

He stretched his free leg, face in concentration, eyes far off. He felt lucky nothing worse had happened in all his life and was sifting through the memories. Then he regarded her thoughtfully. "The first thing you should know about Naira is we've known each other since I was about your age. She was a part of the River, and became a friend. She left to start her own pack, but I would not leave Corinna and Ice even when she lost her mate. So we talked from time to time, and have always remained friends. When she came here she encouraged me to look for Nayeli, because she once had been stranded and no one had looked for her. In that time she helped me remember myself through the dark and gloom." Surely, she had to have known he wasn't quite himself when he had come back. It had taken time for his smiles to be full.

Triell Tainn

(This post was last modified: Oct 12, 2016, 05:01 PM by Triell.)

are you with me through it all?

Her father's "very well," as soft as it might have been, sounded an awful lot like disappointment to the girl. Her ears twisted back, realizing that this was one of the few opportunities Triell had ever had or taken to speak of Nayeli. Clearly no amount of time or any of the circumstances had dampened his feelings for the woman who had given birth to her. There was just an unspeakable sadness that accompanied the idea that this was all he had left of Nayeli: memories without anyone to share them with. Sniffling awkwardly, her mind rocked back and forth between wanting to give her father the outlet he longed for and her own selfish desires to keep the hole in her heart as small as possible. It always seemed that Sahalie waited too long to speak her mind: always opening her mouth the moment before whoever she was with resumed their part of the conversation.

Maybe later, she told herself.

Her mouth never managed to close, though, as she stared at her father talking like he was some frail old man leaving a last will and testament. That part of him acknowledged her dream was little more than a distraction from the larger point here about "if something happened." Something like what, death? "Dad," she whined seriously, "You're just talking like this cause you got hurt. But you're fine. You'll heal and you've got years ahead of you..." How many? How long did a wolf live? How much older was her father than she was? She was staring mortality right in the face and mortality just stared right back. Just a void. "Of course I'll take care of them," she added hastily, looking over he shoulder. God, this was a mess.

He had some apologies for her now, but they were only half apologies. The girl nodded sullenly, knowing that there was nothing to be done about it anyway. Sahalie didn't know how to make it better either anyway. She loved her father but she was nearly full-grown now. She didn't need him now like Reiko and Treyah did, and hadn't in awhile. He was just a fallen idol now, just as he had been when he had returned exhausted and motherless a year ago. Her dark shoulders shrugged as she surveyed the tragic futility of the situation. 

Capable paws were not the same as a father, she wanted to point out, but held her tongue. There was some information was missing, but Sahalie gathered that something had previously happened to Nayeli, something that would have already had her father worrying. She tried to stifle her curiosity. Sahalie had always seen justifications where a normal wolf might have just seen excuses. What if her mother got kidnapped and murdered. Could Sahalie fault her for never being around if she was physically unable? Her confidence began to waver. Her expression became an even steelier pout, wondering how could Triell could know for sure. 

No one would ever know for sure. Nayeli was gone.

Before she could so much as shrug and sigh again, the topic finally turned back to the woman. The account sort of put things in perspective, but also sort of didn't—mostly because Sahalie fought it so hard. Sahalie had to wonder if years down the line she would end up with Alastor or Sven or even R just because she had known them forever. Honestly it confused her how her dad kept throwing around the word "friends" but the title of their relationship never changed. The girl thought of making a wry quip about why no one might have looked for Naira but she was trying to behave herself. "So you're just with her to...what...hold on to your ghosts? She helped you remember what exactly? It sounds more to me like you're just so unhappy with the present that you've grown dependent on her. On your past." And that was beyond frustrating. "It's like you've given up. There's so much left to live for. There are so many other things than Nayelyi, Swift River, and a bunch of memories." Sahalie had dearly cherished the stories of her ancestral homeland, but in the end they were just stories and the Sacred Grove and Wildwood, once she had happened upon them, had been simply abandoned places. 

"I bet you didn't even mean to have kids." Remembering who he was hadn't involved Sahalie at all, so why should it involve two new lives in the world? 

"I love you, but I'm just still so mad at you."

I had this written up not long after your reply. I told myself I need to look it over. Like a month later... >.>

I'll be the bright, and black, that's making you run

She wasn't taking him as seriously as he would have liked. Maybe, one day she would look back and see he had desperately tried to prepare her. But, hitting her with a great dose of reality didn't seem entirely necessary at this point. It was a bit cruel she was already so grown up. Teenagers.. At least she wasn't shouting at him.

"You're right, that's part of it," he agreed, ears twisted back. "I'm six now, and I could about live another six. But, I know I won't be here forever. As I get older I could forget. I don't know what I would have done without family." It was a mess. Right now he didn't feel the need to say more. His reasons for worrying. Winter always took somebody...

He was surprised she raised no protest, or interjected. She had a lot more patience than he did at that age. This point he had started to yell at Indru. He remembered how angry his brother had made him, leaving them all in the first place for what? He had never wanted to do that to his family. So much for being better.

He did notice how the part of Nayeli may have struck something in her, but he was done speaking of her. Thus he kept repeating.

Now, he was getting what he had waited for. The bite, and it was mean. He kept his jaws clamped, trying his best to let her throw her anger at him. She needed it, and he deserved worst.

"No wonder I'm such a poor sight to you," he mumbled. He hadn't thought he was dependent on Naira. Rather she came around here not, he would have liked to think he would have come out of it. He always did, especially with a pack to take care of.  At the time it had felt like all his remaining loved ones had dropped like rotten trees. One right after the other, leaving him with a new life to continue on his own. It was an overwhelming task when Jessie had been the only one he knew and trusted. He wondered if he should even try to explain, or if it would be wasted breath.

"I know there is more Sahalie. I've just done a piss poor job proving it. You each are the reason I keep going. You always have been. I remember when Fenru was born how all I wanted was my own pups. Something that wasn't my brothers, but mine. A real family. I want to see your future. Be a part of it. Be the first grandfather Tainn, and witness the legacy you will grow....rather it is here or some where else. " Emotion stung his eyes. Did they think he would chose her over them? His love was more for her? "Maybe, you know or least you will. There is a lot of love in this world. All sorts. The kind I hold for you is the strongest. I only hope one day you will believe me. " There was no point in saying it was nothing compared to what he held for Naira when she already felt second. He tucked in a heavy breath, wanting to explain what he meant by it all.

"I don't remember those things, wanting what was instead of what is. I remember them because it reminds me I'm Triell Tainn.  I've always faced conflict, and won. That no matter how alone I felt, I wasn't. That I'm not the one who gives up. I'm not the one who looks behind me. There's a fire inside me that can burn the rest away. It's something else. It's not just sadness, it's more. I don't want you to ever think you weren't enough to help me....because it was the very thought of you and Drift that kept me anchored." There was a moment of hesitation, no one had exactly known what it was. There were few who had seen it.

"There is a sickness that gets a hold of my mind and heart. Suffocating and dark like smoke. When bad things happen it comes as a strong storm. It makes you feel sick, like you can't eat or sleep. It tells you terrible things over and over. You shouldn't be a father. Your children don't need you. You're a failure. You can't protect your pack. You shouldn't be happy.  When I lost Kinis, and Marsh, Ice was the one who helped me out of it. Your mother gave me a bright future, I thought I would never see it again. After all the horrible things, and once more losing her it found me. I wasn't sure I'd see the sun again." It had been tenfold, trying to extinguish what was left. "Naira knew I was losing the battle, but she made sure I kept hold of the light. You and Drift. How you needed me, and I needed both of you.. For all my failings, I wouldn't leave you with just a name...because I had been through too much to give up."

Bright eyes flashed in warning, the tip of his nose crinkled. "I meant to have each and every one of you. Pups do not come by accident. We can hope there will be some to come next year..."

"I love you Hal, nothing will ever change that. I understand you need some time with...everything. I deserve nothing less. But, I hope when you return, I get to hear your stories too." There was a faint smile of his hope, his love, but his exhaustion was evident. Maybe, a few new silver hairs along his patch of white.

Triell Tainn

(This post was last modified: Nov 17, 2016, 10:47 PM by Triell. Edit Reason: grammar errors )

are you with me through it all?

messy, crappy post? sometimes I gotta wonder if I'm ruining her :x

Couldn't he be here forever? Sure, Sahalie had spent a long time pretending she was not mad at her father, but she had never wished for him to go away. Not when she had been a cub and certainly not now even though her sides heaved with each frustrated breath. Again, she asked herself, worrying: how long did a wolf live? The oldest wolf she knew was Naira. That woman was cranky and complained a lot about this or that body part, but Sahalie was not sure if this was old age or just who "the woman" was. Did becoming old make you forgetful? She wasn't sure if that was the case either. Who was there to ask these questions to, though? It was impertinent to ask her father now, though, but a seed of worry was planted in her as she began to wonder what the years did to a body, to a mind. Everything would be okay, right? That was what she had always believed.

She had to keep believing it.

Her eyebrows rose as if to challenge his rather flippant mumbling, but the girl said nothing. Did she think that poorly of him, truly? Her ears twisted around and she felt herself trying to backtrack through all the hurtful statements she had thrown around. In her heart she loved him dearly, and she told herself that was why she was being so hard on him. "Dad—" her voice was a half-whine, as if to beg him not to continue but it appeared he still had a lot on his mind that he wished to speak. Her eyes began to water and her chest hurt and awful lot. Desperately, she wanted all these things to be true. She wanted him to see her future.

The girl had seen first hand the sickness her father was referring to. It was a plague that lingered all over the forest in all the nooks and crannies of her childhood. She thought of Jessie, she thought of Drestig, she thought of everyone. And Sahalie had to remind herself that there was still so much about her father that she didn't know, so many awful things that had happened to him that she would never understand. Her ancestral golden eyes remained on her father a long time, and she wasn't sure how to feel. He said he was not the kind of wolf that gave up, and sure, he had made it all the way here, and sure, Sahalie was never so critical about any other wolf in her life, but something was stopping her now. Some secret, bitter part of her. Maybe she was sick too, still. And at the end of it she could not believe that the woman had paid any particular sort of attention to Sahalie or Drift or their needs. There was just a part of her father that she could not reach, some part of him that still did not see it. He was so blinded by the past and his nostalgia.

"This time I'm gunna make sure you don't lose the light, got it? I know I've got such a good future ahead of me and I do, I do want you there. I want my whole family there." And her family was quite big already. Always going. "I just... I'm never going to like her, okay? Everyone thinks I like everyone but I don't like her and I don't think she's helped you like you think she has. I'm gunna... I'll try not to let that drive a wedge between us. But I think... I think ..." She sighed, frustrated, no words to articulate what she felt. A shy smile crept onto her face, and the dark girl simply shrugged. "Idunno."

"Everything's so complicated. I just want to stay strong. I don't want to let anything get to me." And yet it did, time and time again. This was her weakness. For as long as she could remember Sahalie had simply wanted to stay strong, to stay happy. For a large part she was happy. But always there was this. She kept circling back on it. She had been so good, she told herself: she felt entitled to this vice. That was not how it should have been, but there was nowhere that Sahalie had claimed or even attempted to be perfect. She had just wanted to be good enough. "I know no matter what, we'll all be okay."

One more post?

I'll be the bright, and black, that's making you run

There was a lot more he wanted to share, now it was best to hold back. Wait. Have faith she would come to him another time. They would do this again, maybe it would be better. It wouldn't be such hard words. He had already put out so much. Why, he wished to brush his nose over her crown as he had done a thousand time, she was out of his reach. He looked upon her, seeing her struggle. But, bravely she kept place. She was not fearful to harm him with her own feelings, and it was the least he could hope for.

When she spoke, with his entire being he listened. A proud smile, a pull in his heart. Yes, they had a large family, he imagined it would only grow. Now he better understood what she meant by all of it, her point of view. How likely she would always feel that way. The Tainn would live with it. It was out of his hands, and he was just happy to know it wouldn't keep them apart any more. "I..I understand. I can see why you don't. I don't expect you to go against yourself. I'm glad to hear it won't be something between us any more." Dark banner beat softly, feeling it was a start of mending. It was never really Sahalie and Dad against the world, but being part of it was everything to him.

There was a tilt to his head. How long had she tried to be the sunshine of their lives. Make things better. Did she never let herself have a moment of fear or sadness? Think it was okay she didn't like somebody for heaven sake."Life has a way of being complicated. It never seems to go as you think. But, no matter what it throws at you I know you are strong Sahalie. Don't think any less of yourself if you have a moment where you don't feel like you are. It's not really weakness. There's nothing wrong with having, doubts, fears, sadness, or anger. No, that's how we find out who we are, and decide what we are gonna do about it. Sometimes you have to sit in that feeling. Other times you might rise above it. Then you might fall and you gotta brush yourself off, waiting to try again. I know you try your best, and that's all I've ever expected of you. That's all anyone should." In his eyes she was extraordinary to have lived and felt so much her her short life. All she wanted to do and be. He softly nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, we will be." He felt it to. Gently, he gave a soft whine, asking her to come to him. It would be awhile till she returned, and he wanted to give her a proper good bye.

Triell Tainn

are you with me through it all?