Fallen Tree Cove with the hands of a sinner

For @Kajika <3

Lunette Vuesain

I'm drowning in the waters of myself

She wanted to be noticed.

She wanted to be forgotten, so she could die without guilt.

She wanted to be left behind, so it wouldn't have been her fault, just an unfortunate circumstance of life, an understandable, acceptable action on behalf of those who had been subject to her presence for so long. They were not at fault, would never be at fault.

For once, she sat by the lake—tangible, real, more than just a scent left behind as she passed through the Cove and out into the world. The early morning sunlight formed a halo around her silver body, lighting up each white breath puffing from her open mouth. She was painfully aware of every second passing. Every heartbeat. Every breath. Every sound, no matter how slight, torture on her taut nerves.

Notice me her body screamed, even as she tried to smother it; even as she told herself that what she wanted was confirmation that she had been left behind. Forgotten. That she could move on, into oblivion, without leaving any open doors behind. She wanted to hear the final sigh of the last, open one slowly coming shut.

She wanted to break it down, crash through it, screaming, crying, feeling.

She wanted to feel her face collide with it, painfully, wanted it to not budge, to remain closed.

Her breath shivered in her throat. She felt too obvious. Not obvious enough. She felt foolish, dumb; it didn't matter how many times his kind words washed over her ears, she could never quite believe them. She wanted to be at the end of the line, to have used up the last of his patience and gentleness, so that the sun would set for a final time. She wanted to disappear in a way you couldn't come back from.

She wanted him to sit next to her, silent and steadfast; she wanted to bury her face in his black fur, for her apology of the distance she had put between them to be accepted, for her to be accepted. Forgiven.

She ought to go to him. Seek him out. Tell him what was on her mind, beg for his forgiveness, promise not to do it again (—and just wait until she'd break it), somehow convey to him how important he was. After months of silence, how could he know that she was coming out of her shell, if she didn't tell him?

But she remained frozen to the snowy rock she sat upon, in the morning light, wondering, if he came close enough, if he would hear how her soul screamed his name.

Things seemed to be changing in the cove and he felt like it was for the better. He felt that they finally had wolves that were loyal and wanted what was best for the pack. Finally Kajika didn't feel like he was failing his former Alpha's and instead building something they would be proud of. Winter hadn't passed so he didn't know what the spring would bring to the cove. That had been on his mind lately and this year he was in a different position.

He tried to not let his thoughts linger too much in that and instead focused them on the day to day goings on of the pack. What they needed to get done and how much food didn't they have? Have any Intruders tried to get past their borders. All of this however could wait until he'd had his morning drink. The dark alpha made his way down to familiar path as he did everyday to the lake. There he would get a drink, stretch out his limbs and get ready for the day ahead.

Something stopped him when he reached the shore that morning. Since her return he had felt the distance between them growing leaving him feeling like things were changing between them. Lunette had always been a keep to herself kind of wolf but he felt that more and more she didn't want anything to do with the pack. It worried him that she seemed to feel that way, that she was isolating herself from everyone including him.

There were times that Kajika worried he may have done something to upset her but he didn't want to push her to talk. She was already going through so much that he didn't want to add any more on her. He watched her for a long moment wondering what was going through her mind as she say there by the water.

Finally he got his drink before making his way over to where she was. “Good Morning Lunette,” he said before pressing his nose to her cheek in greeting. “How have you been lately?” He didn't know the kind of answer he would get but he hoped for something positive. He then sat back on his haunches, looking out across the lake while he waited for her to answer his question.

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Kind of trigger warning bc Lunette definitely does have some suicidal ideation going on from time to time :/

Lunette Vuesain

I'm drowning in the waters of my soul

She felt her breath catch in her throat.

Senses tingling. Body shivering, as her muscles tensed up. Spine straight, but vibrating with the tension she couldn't control. Was that it? One whiff of his scent, fresh, and she felt like bolting out of her own skin—running, far away, where she could not disappoint. It felt like her breath froze in her throat, rattled like ice in her mouth, unable to get out. It got stuck between her teeth.

She didn't know what to do. Where to go. Every nerve screamed at her to flee, but she was just paralyzed instead, caught in the headlights of her own demons and dreams. It was all so stupid stupid stupid, what was she thinking, she wasn't thinking, she didn't know what she wanted, from him, from herself, from anything, she just wanted to press her face into his fur and disappear and—

She sometimes thought of death and dying, of what a relief it would be to not be conscious anymore, a fix more permanent than sleep (which only came in broken fits, anyway). She wanted out of this, out of her own mind, out of the body with its frantic heart trying to run out of her chest.

She saw him from the corner of her eye, but she couldn't move. She couldn't crane her head to acknowledge him, beckon to him; she was just frozen, suddenly wishing he was far away, that she was far away, that she would become a ghost, unnoticeable, for him to return to the den without a glance cast in her direction. She wanted to be a mirage, a bit of a waking dream, easy to disregard.

But after he had drunk from the cold lake, he made his way towards her.

She remained frozen, and some scrap of dignity kept her from screaming nonsensical shit at him and bolting. He still didn't know just how broken she was, and part of her wanted to keep it that way. Still, her eyes, too wide, began to dart. Looking for a way out. Looking for a hole in the ice to throw herself into. Anything.

But he just said good morning and touched his nose to her pale cheek, and it was like all the ice flaked off and the life, painfully, rushed back into her thawed limbs. She gasped—though it was more of a sob, honestly—and he had barely sat down before she found herself with her head pressed against his throat and chest, eyes closed, drowning in the soft, black folds of his winter fur.

Thinking, being, feeling, shivering.

The dark man wouldn't deny that he was happy Lunette was back in the cove, he felt like that was where she belonged. He was well aware that many pups left home once they reached a certain age. After all all of her siblings had left and sometimes he wondered if that had taken it toll on her. He remembered them talking about her agemate at one time but that was so long ago and since then Lunette had left him twice.

There were many times he wondered if his helping her to try and figure out what was bothering her so much wasn't hurting her. Could she move on from it? Would it go away as she got older and came into her own. She was nearly two years old, an adult, what would it be like for her if she couldn't get past whatever it was.

He often wished she'd just open up and tell him everything and that maybe it would help but she didn't feel comfortable with that. He respected that but it didn't stop him from wanting her to talk to him. He had begun to believe that he couldn't help her because he didn't know how. All he could do was be there for her when she needed someone to lean on.

Finding her at the lake hadn't been much of a surprise for him, she spent plenty of time there. So once he'd taken care of his morning routine he went to her greeting her and seeing how she was. He waited for an answer but no verbal one came. Instead he found her pressed against him with her face buried on his fur. Bending his head he licked her crown, “What's going on Lunette?” He asked, “You know you can talk to me about anything,” he reminded.

He'd always been there to talk without judgement and he hoped that she would remember that. Even if he didn't know if he could help her he still hadn't lost the hope that maybe one day he would be able to help her. He didn't even want to consider the alternative.

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Lunette Vuesain

I'm drowning in the waters of my soul

She didn't deserve this.

Time and again, she had proven how unreliable she was, how.. how incompetent. She went down the mountain, and couldn't get back up. She left, supposedly to find something, but she had just been running from herself—and then she was nothing more than a ghost, a scent drifting along the borders, never quite seen, but still there. She had distanced herself from him, time and again, retreating into herself and the world around her, burned by the memory of his body laying down next to hers on the rocks nearly a year ago. It was an innocent memory, but it was a herald of worse things.

So she had kept on running, and she was still running, her blood screaming at her to get away before something worse—like making a fool of herself—happened, but wasn't that already happening..? Kajika, her paladin, always bearing her burdens, always listening to her whispers, always there to witness how her emotion turned from one thing to another, quick as lightning.

Why did he do it? Why did he put up with her? What did she offer him in return—what, possibly, made being around her worthwhile..? She was no longer a child. There were no more excuses of her erratic, irrational behavior, no monsters in the shadows that were legitimate, just nightmares in her head.

She wasn't even a very good pack member.

And nothing lasting could be built upon this lopsided foundation, upon which all of her shit just slid sideways and she—what—she had been listening to him, that night, hadn't she? But in the end, it felt like it was just about her her her her and her stupid whining and all her dumb issues and, even as she vowed to burden him no more, to man up and be a bloody pack wolf, she heard herself whisper "I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit" into his fur.

Her new plan wasn't off to a great start.

There is a moose carcass that has been scavenged by coyotes nearby. +15 Health

Ever since she was a pup he'd tried to help her figure things out, be there for her as a friend. As time passed it was clear that she didn't trust others easily. He'd somehow managed to earn her trust and he cared a great deal about her even allowing her the time she needed to try and find whatever it was she was looking for. He felt the distance between them as he came across her scent in the territory but he often couldn't find her. Sometimes he would try to search her out and see if she was okay only to come up empty. Other times he would move on with his duties and left her to her own devices.

He was aware that she spent most of her time away from the cove or hidden from the other members. Sometimes he wondered why she remained in a place that she wasn't happy. He wondered if maybe she would he better off in another place far from the things that made her unhappy. In things she'd said in the past he felt that Fallen tree cove only reminded her if her insecurities.

Still he cared for her and each time she came back he would hold her and tell her everything would be okay. Help her try and solve whatever was plaguing her so that she could be happy. He didn't feel it where worked but he couldn't just give up on her when he'd been there for her since she was a pup.

So as she buried her face into the fur if his chest he bend his head and tucked her against him. As he did so he heard the whispered words bringing a frown across his face. He then pulled away to look her in her eyes, “What makes you say that?” He asked. Finding the reason for the words would tell him how to handle the situation.

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Lunette Vuesain

I'm drowning in the waters of my soul

He had been everything to her.

Father and brother and friend.

Perhaps she had trusted his affection more, because it hadn't been an obligation of family bonds; there was no blood tie between them, no reason for him to try and coax her out of her shell aside from the goodness of his own heart. Perhaps, because she would've risked losing him if she misbehaved, his presence was an affirmation of her worth.

Or something.

But with her head pressed against his chest, hearing both the roar of her own pulse and the steady, calming beat of his, she began to realize something: whatever it was she felt, whatever purity there was to it, was being destroyed by the fire raging inside of her. Perhaps he would not cease to be her friend, but perhaps the demon in her mind would stop her from being his. He didn't need her; never had. And she? She was nearly an adult.

Why did she try and stay? For him for him for him—he pulled back, searching for her eyes, and she met his, briefly. A world of pain, a distance she was not sure she could cross. He had other things going for him. He had a pack. Perhaps, if she left, she'd be a worry in his mind, but hardly more than clouds passing over the sun ever so often.

He doesn't need you.

"Because I'm never around," she answered, fighting her despair with frankness; her ears folded back and she gazed away. "Because I never contribute to anything." She maintained status quo; she ate her own kills. If she took from the cache, she replaced it with as much as she'd taken.

She didn't interact with anyone. Didn't hunt with pack mates. Didn't scout. Didn't patrol. She only ghosted away.

It was for the reasons that she stated he often wondered what kept her coming back to the cove. Sometimes he questioned their friendship as she had seemed to grow more distant with time. Though he would never desert her because he did care for her he couldn't help but think that there might be some place else she'd rather be. Time and time again he tried to help her but more often these days he didn't think he could help her at all. Sometimes he wondered if she wanted help of if she preferred to feel as she did, despite those questions he still stayed at her side and helped her the bear he could. All he could do was listen when she she needed to talk and be there each and every time she returned. He didn't mind doing that and was glad that she had him, someone she could trust and talk to when she was ready.

He never pushed and instead let her lead the conversation asking questions that could help him understand better. Things had changed with her though, before she used to stay pretty closed mouth about things but now she often did answer anything that he asked her. At least this gave him a chance to see what she was thinking and in that possibly help her.

It was what she said that bothered him and perhaps as alpha he should order that she do more. Tell her that she had to have more of a presence around the pack but her, he let her get away with a lot more than he would any other wolf in the pack. For the slightest of moments he wondered what Moonshadow's thoughts were on the subject of Lunette. Perhaps he would talk with his oynx friend about it at some point. For now he concentrated on the young Vuesain and what she needed.

“Maybe you should try to be around more Lunette, and do more if you feel your not doing enough. It could help for you to do so, make you feel more like you belong.” He of course wouldn't push anything on her that she wasn't ready for but the pack was different now and maybe she could feel more at home if she became more involved with the pack. “It's all up to you of course. You'll have to decide what your ready for but you also must not push yourself to do things going aren't ready for."

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