Dead Empress Backwater the feeling came late

She preferred the nights, when things were quiet, when most of the pack life ceased. It gave her time to think, to breathe. Vanadis was trying so hard to jump back in, to be useful, but it felt strange and awkward. She hadn't found her place yet, and perhaps she never would, but she hoped that this.. feeling would go away. It had started in the Loch, a gnawing emptiness in the pit of her stomach. She thought she'd be rid of it once she returned, but it still remained. The woman thought to seek out Clover, to ask her for advice, but she kept it to herself in hopes that it would just go away on its own.

The sky was dark with broken clouds, granting her a small glimpse of stars here and there, but the moon itself had been in a near constant cover. She breathed a sigh and curled up at the base of a tree, content to watch as the world slept.

(This post was last modified: Mar 13, 2024, 10:42 PM by Vanadis.)

Things were vastly different than when Vanadis had left, but some things stayed the same. The Valles still mostly stalked the nights, primarily Viorel and Eros were the biggest night owls, but the leader thought some of the others often stretched their legs after dark as well. He liked it. It was quiet, and he didn’t feel the need to force a smile or pretend to be cheery, plus, he still wasn’t sleeping much. It had been months before since he had any long stretch of rest - instead only able to nap in short bursts - and the exhausted was something he had long grown used to.

But, he used the time to be alone. Which was why when he caught Vanadis out of the corner of his eye he froze. He hadn’t been seeking her out - but he couldn’t exactly leave now without making it obvious. He didn’t want her to think that he was literally running away from her, even if he had spent the last few days avoiding her. What was he supposed to do? Why did even the sight of her make him uneasy in a way that wasn’t entirely unpleasant? The silence had gone on too long, he shifted on his paws.

She heard him coming, heard the way his paws pressed against the soil below. They hadn't spoken since her arrival, and to be honest, she had been wondering if they ever would. Not that Vanadis felt in any way entitled to his time, but they'd both been avoiding each other. At least, she knew she'd been avoiding him, giving him space where she could.

Vana did not move as he approached. In fact, she did her best to sit still and remain quiet, hoping that her presence here would go unnoticed, so that he did not feel obliged to make awkward or uncomfortable conversation with her. Well, that and the fact that the Vamadis wasn't quite sure she'd be able to handle the rejection that she'd feel if Viorel snubbed her presence altogether, so it was just best for both of them if he didn't  notice her at all.

But he did notice. He noticed, and he waited, and his paws shifted. Vanadis lifted herself into a seated position, keeping her head lower than she would have if she were alone. "Oh. I didn't know you'd be here." How eloquent.

I didn’t know you’d be here, he almost spit out the word ditto but he held it back by the skin of his teeth. He was silent still, looking her over - why did she have to be so beautiful? Why did his heart still quicken at the sight of her? He felt tongue tied, and a little awkward, and didn’t really know what to say or how to respond to what she had said.

Viorel made a conscious effort to root his paws back into the earth and stop the way that they shifted his weight back and forth. He realized he was staring and quickly looked away, ”I can leave - if you want.” He wasn’t sure what he hoped that her answer would be. It would be hard and weird if she wanted him to stay, what would they talk about? But, if she didn’t even want to see him at all would that be worse? Either way, it was too late now and he had to go along with whatever it was that she decided. Water dripped from melting snow somewhere nearby, as if counting the second between what he had said and what she would answer.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

She tried not to look at him, tried to ignore the nervous flutter in her chest. So much had happened, so much time, and distance, and loss. He was different now, he had to be, but she was different now too.

Vana's head tilted as Viorel's paws stilled. It must have been a conscious effort because there was no way he was comfortable right now. Not when her own stomach twisted and churned, not when the air felt as heavy as it did.

"I can leave - if you want." She could have said yes, could have snubbed him before he got the chance to snub her, could have made this uncomfortable feeling stop blistering her skin. She could have said yes and made all of the pressure and weight of what had happened between them go away for a little while. Maybe she should have said yes, but instead Vanadis found herself rising to her paws. "No." She said it a little too fast, a little too desperately. "Stay." Stupid. "I want you to stay."

Drip

Drip

Drip

(This post was last modified: Mar 16, 2024, 09:00 PM by Vanadis.)

She said no and Viorel moved to come and lay near her, only she got to her paws and he ended up doing an awkward kind of shuffle so as to now run into her. He chuckled, feeling heat running up his neck - things weren’t like second nature like they used to be. Still, she didn’t want him to go and she had not even had to think about it. She wanted him to stay. And, as he flushed with relief he realized that he wanted to stay.

Gesturing with his muzzle he inquired, ”Do you want to take a walk?” His brain always worked best when he was moving. Plus, at least if it was silent maybe it wouldn’t be so awkward because they wouldn’t just be sitting here staring at each other. They could keep their muzzles pointed forward, and if things got heated he could quickly turn and remove himself from the situation. Before they could get moving though he offered something of an olive branch, ”everyone seems really happy that you’re back.” Eros especially, and the others despite Clover being left behind by her mate. It was kind of a tumultuous time for them all.

Vanadis wasn't sure if it was an awkward or a genuine sort of giggle that bubbled up from her throat as Viorel shuffled around her, but it felt nicer than she expected it to.

Her gaze finally fixed upon him, her heart skipping a beat as she processed his question. It was familiar in a way that somehow ripped and sewed open a wound. It made her want to reach out, to nibble at the spot behind his ear or bury her muzzle in his fur, but she would not allow herself to. She forced an easy smile and offered her words with a nod, "Sure." Walking was a good idea. It would give them a place to focus, an excuse for awkward pauses and the inevitable silence that would fall between them. It took a little bit of the pressure and expectation off, so yes, a walk would be ideal.

"Everyone seems really happy that you’re back." She wondered if that 'everyone' included him, or if he had really meant to say everyone else seemed happy that she was back. But she knew that the sentiment was there, that it was offered as a starting point, and so she gave an answer, "I wasn't sure they'd accept me back." She thought for a moment before adding, "I didn't expect it, really, to be allowed to stay. It's what I wanted, but I wasn't sure.. I didn't want to assume." Didn't want to disappoint herself twice.

She motioned with her own muzzle, taking the first step in hopes that if her paws began moving, that if the two of them started walking she'd be able to ask without having to see his face, without having to watch whatever his reaction was going to be. "And what about you, how do you feel about me being back?" Because it was better to get it out of the way now, to just shove the boulder off of her spine before it broke her entirely.

(This post was last modified: Mar 17, 2024, 01:39 AM by Vanadis.)

They fell into step side by side and for just a moment he was able to pretend like nothing had happened. It felt so familiar, it felt like nothing had happened and they were transported to two years ago. When they had been planning their future and giggling together like cubs who had just started to experience their first crush. Then she spoke again and he had to come back down to earth and leave his daydream behind.

He didn’t know what to say, it felt too rude to say the truth which was that he wasn’t sure he would have accepted her back if it wasn’t for Eros. Instead he went with, ”We weren’t sure if you were ever going to come back. If you were even alive to come back.” At least that was still the truth. He didn’t want to lie to her. They kept walking, the melting snow kept dripping, and Viorel was silent for what he thought was way too long. Again, he went with what he thought was most honest, ”I’m happy that you’re home and that you’re safe now,” he couldn’t just leave it there, ”but I’m still angry that you left and that you were gone for the worst moments of our family’s lives.” He kept moving.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

She had had her turn, and now it was his, ”What did you think you were going to be able to do? If you got home and they had been suffering from the drought just as much as we were?” But that wasn’t really it was it, ”Why did you pick helping them over helping us?” Almost as soon as the words came out was he overcome with a coughing fit. Maybe it was because of the lump he had been fighting in his throat, but the realistic answer was that it was happening more and more often. After the smoke had cleared it had happened on rare occasions and now it was more like a couple times a week. He racked his lungs a few times before he was mostly able to get it under control, his throat raw with more than just emotions now.

She waited for his answer, her paws moving ever forward. He was angry, as was his right. She hadn't been there when he'd needed her most, when her children had needed her most.. She had left them to experience all of it alone. Vanadis should have ran faster, should have healed quicker, should have pushed herself up and out of the den before the fear overcame her, but she hadn't and that was on her. Viorel had every right to be angry. "I'm angry with myself too. I should have been there. For you and for them." Once again, the woman had to stop herself from reaching out, from preening his fur.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip

Vanadis mulled his questions over, searching for the right answer, the right string of words that would make this all go away, but formulating and spewing a response for the sake of smoothing things over would be a disservice to herself, to her children, and to her former mate. She had returned to face his judgment, to reconcile with her children. She would not rebuild the foundation on half truths and omissions. "I made the wrong choice. I hadn't thought that far. I thought maybe if we found water then we could all.. I just.. I didn't know who was still there, and I thought that maybe I could help. Maybe we could have all found a way to survive together. I don't.. I don't know what I was thinking." her head fell, defeat weighing on her shoulders. "I made the wrong choice, Vi. I'm.. I'm so sorry." Sorry felt far too minimizing, far too flat, but she didn't know how else to convey her feelings.

Her voice was much quieter as she continued, her pace slowing. "I didn't know that I was picking them over us. I didn't.. I didn't want to stay so long. I wanted to be here; I wanted to watch our children grow up. I wanted.. to know them." A mistake she would pay for, for the rest of her life. "I wanted to be here with you." Home. Where her family was. The place that she should have been.

Viorel had heard her apologies the first time, but this felt different. This felt like she was actually taking accountability, and hearing that she knew that she made the wrong choice soothed something within him. It felt like the right first step, like the thing that he had been waiting to hear for more than a year. She made the wrong decision to leave, she wanted them all.

Maybe it had not been a matter of choosing one side over the other. Or, maybe it was. At least she knew that if it had come down to it, having to pick, she had chosen wrong the first time. Maybe that would be enough to stop something like that from happening again. For once maybe history did not need to go on repeating itself.

But, that wouldn’t stop him from making the same mistakes.

He stopped and whispered, ”maybe you still can.” Know their children, know him, be here with them and remember the early moments. The words were out before he could even process what the thought was and now he couldn’t take them back. One moment of weakness could either put them back together, or rip them apart forever. So which would it be?

He hadn’t noticed, but whatever had been dripping in the woods had finally re-frozen. Now there was only silence.