Paradise Falls i'm two cups into my coffee break

April 1st, for @Finley only regarding @Hazelnut's pregnancy.

SO WASH YOUR PAWS, ALLEY CAT

Ryder sought his mother in something of a panic, though he was doing his best to keep that truth under wraps. His brow was furrowed and his pale eyes set with determination as he moved swiftly through the familiar forest. It had been nearly two whole seasons since he'd last been here, but it was never the terrain that changed. It was always them, the inhabitants. So many new scents, but Hazey's could no longer be lost amidst them all. Just as Finley had warned him, it had only taken the once. "Mom?" he could tell that he was closing in, and his nerves were reaching new heights. He did his best to keep the shake out of his voice, but wasn't so sure he'd succeeded. What was she going to think of him now?

ONCE YOU'RE DEAD YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK

The leader had been heading out of the territory on her daily “look for her missing family” quest. It had been beginning to feel helpless but then Ryder had returned and it had put some wind back in her sails. He had been missing much longer than Jethro had, though had obviously left under less violent circumstances. Still, she had been heading out of the territory and had paused for one long moment upon stumbling onto the beginning of a changing scent within the packlands.

Then, she had brushed it off, reminding herself that Isla’s hormones were beginning to come into play and that must be it. The logical part of her brain knew that the Valle woman’s scent had already changed and it wouldn’t smell quite this fresh. But, it was easier to believe the lie. She couldn’t take anything else at this point she was already at her breaking point.

His voice had a small tremor but it was small enough she could also choose to ignore it, or at least try to. Finley smiled and stopped to turn and face her son, tail wagging behind her in greeting. Living in denial was lovely.

SO WASH YOUR PAWS, ALLEY CAT

Part of Ryder had expected that his mother would already know. That despite how soon he was coming to her, she would still greet him with disappointment burning clearly in her eyes. It was something he had been dreading, but when she looked to him with naivety instead, he wished he'd been right. His stomach cramped uncomfortably, and he wanted to bail already. His stormy eyes dropped, unable to look at her face. "Mom, I..." he tried to start out strong, but already his voice was a whisper, and there was the slightest of trembles to his legs; the reality of it was still settling in for him too, "I really messed up. Haze-," his teeth cut down around that name and he had to swallow before he could continue, "Hazel's pregnant."

ONCE YOU'RE DEAD YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK

(This post was last modified: Apr 07, 2024, 11:38 PM by Ryder.)

It was getting harder for the Lennox woman to pretend like everything was okay once Ryder refused to look at her. The longer that his grey eyes were focused on the ground the faster her heart began to beat. Internally she pleaded, please no, please just let this be about nothing, please. She didn’t want to hear whatever it was her son had to say, she wanted to scream at him to stop and say nothing.

But, he said it.

Inhaling sharply, she held her breath for two or three seconds before letting it out in one large whoosh. Finley could feel her heart in her throat, ”Ryder, how could you? You knew better than this.” She had been very clear about the risks and what would happen once they came of age and yet he had done this anyways. As a mother she was disappointed and this was clear on her expression, she was disappointed but wanted to be supportive - this was her grandchild after all.

But, she also had other responsibilities now and so she had a second question, ”Was this before or after you came back to the pack?” That would make all the difference in what she had to do.

SO WASH YOUR PAWS, ALLEY CAT

'Ryder, how could you?' His tail tucked and his head hung lower. His gaze remained fixed to a patch of ground to the side. Guilt and sadness and shame all threatened to swell up and engulf him, and so he flicked that switch instead. His insides went cold and hard, and his vision lacked clarity. Her question pulled his focus up, making him blink. His jaws parted then closed, brows drawing together as he tried to find the proper words. Perhaps it should have been easy for him to know what specifically she was asking him. Ryder didn't want to talk about any kind of before, though. Whatever had happened between him and Hazelnut that had led to this didn't need to be discussed with his mother. "W-, I-," his face twisted in the way that it did when he was having to force himself to talk, to fight back that nearly-indomitable urge to go completely silent and disengage. "I didn'- we- is, it was, once. Before. I-," he had to take a breath, but it was easier to push forward, to talk about things after that night, "I just... found out. I didn't- I didn't want..." his gaze dropped again, voice lowering, "... I didn't want to disappoint you if I... didn't have to."

ONCE YOU'RE DEAD YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK

(This post was last modified: Apr 08, 2024, 12:05 AM by Ryder.)

It felt like it took her son forever to get the words out, but when she did all that Finley felt was relief. Exhaling, she nodded, once, and then a second time, ”Okay, okay good.” It had been before which meant that, ”That’s good, that means you didn’t break any pack rules so nobody should put up a fuss about me letting you stay.” It felt eerily similar to her own situation when she had been pregnant with Ryder, and the Falls had been her haven then.

Moving forward she pulled her son into an embrace that she hoped was comforting, ”It’s going to be okay Ryder, it’s going to be hard but it’s going to be okay.” She stepped back looking him over, ”You’re going to have to provide for her, and I will help you, but the pack is already promised to support Isla since she asked permission and I don’t know if they will have the time or resources to help with a second like last year.” But, there was something else she needed to ask, ”Ryder, are you okay?” He was so young, he had barely gotten to live any of his life yet, let alone now having to be responsible for others. She couldn’t believe he had been so careless but that didn’t matter now.

SO WASH YOUR PAWS, ALLEY CAT

Good? While he did see the benefit, Ryder still hadn't expected that word to leave his mother's mouth. His ears remained down and his gaze wandered again as she went on, though the corners of his mouth pulled into a firm frown at the thought of anyone trying to oust him over this. He'd come before this stupid, forest-choked pack. Even if everyone else was a stranger, he was still a priority to the ones who mattered, the ones who were in charge. ... right? Maybe he was a lot luckier than he thought that his mom was the leader, now. When she moved in to hug him, Ryder could only remain stiffly still. This likely was better than any wrath or crushing disappointment, but didn't she still feel those things to some extent? As grateful as he was for her support, it also caused him guilt. Now an adult with his own children on the way, and his mother was still needing to take care of him. '...but the pack is already promised to support Isla since she asked permission...' Ryder blinked then, gaze finding Finley's face briefly. Fuck @Isla and whatever demon spawn she shit out. Anger clawed at the inside of that wall he'd put up, begging to be let out, but it gave in swiftly and retreated altogether. He remained silent, avoidant of eye contact, until at last he had to say something. 'Ryder, are you okay?' His lips parted, but the words didn't come promptly. "... I..." the thoughts, the emotions, were like minnows at the shore, scattering out of reach at the slightest attempt to perceive them. Only one was heavy enough to linger and be caught, and his voice was barely above a whisper as he communicated it. "How... how am I... how am I gonna know... how to be a dad?"

ONCE YOU'RE DEAD YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK

(This post was last modified: Jun 09, 2024, 01:42 AM by Asmund.)

Ryder remained a mystery to the Lennox woman. She wasn’t sure what had happened to her happy child to be left with this…cold wolf before her now but she had resigned herself to its permanency. She had hoped it had been just a teenage phase, but at this point it was clear that it wasn’t. He was stiff when she tried to embrace him, and when she pulled away the sadness was clear in her green eyes. A smaller part of her was annoyed that she was doing what she could to help him, putting her neck out on the line for him potentially against the pack and he couldn’t give her anything in return.

But, she was his mother, and she expected this would not be the last time she put herself out for him. And, she didn’t mind.

His question broke her heart, and also brought a soft smile to her muzzle. Shaking her head slightly she said, ”I was hoping you would be older when I told you this. But, the secret is…none of us know what we’re doing when it comes to being a parent.” She had more, ’When they’re little it’s easy, just keeping them fed, and safe. Warm, and watched over, it’s mostly instinct. When they get older that is when it becomes more difficult…” Case and point was right now right here, the irony was not lost on her. Ryder deserved honesty, ”It’s a balance between doing what you think is right and best for them, and how you would have wanted to be treated as a child. Always trying to do better than what you had.” Finley had thought that she had done a pretty good job, but here they were. Caspian gone, Ryder coldhearted.

SO WASH YOUR PAWS, ALLEY CAT

The way she looked at him once there was distance between them again made him feel all the worse. His stormy gaze dropped to the ground and held itself firmly in place there. The only change as she began to answer his question, was in his ears. They stood a touch taller and pressed forward, as he was listening attentively. It... wasn't really comforting, what she had to say. He supposed it made sense, not being able to summarize parenthood in a response. That there were no simple answers for complex problems. His mom didn't need to have all the right things to say for his particular brain, though; Ryder just needed her to keep showing up for him. If she was here, for him to talk to, to ask questions of, to even set him straight, he'd be alright. And... hopefully, so would his kids. There was so much support (and he was young and naïve enough), their physical safety was not really too large of a concern for him. It was, the rest of it. Their emotional wellbeing. Ryder never been nurturing a minute of his life. 'It’s a balance between doing what you think is right and best for them, and how you would have wanted to be treated as a child. Always trying to do better than what you had.' It was her final pieces of advice that snapped him out of that fixed stare. His brow pinched, and he looked up at her face once more. Genuinely at a loss for what 'better' could be. Anything he might have changed (such as her pairing with Jethro) had already been mucked up far worse. How were he and @Hazelnut going to build a solid, romantic, genuine relationship before the kids arrived? Ryder had difficulty picturing himself managing it at all, much less under such constraints. No, it was very unlikely that he was going to come close to doing 'better' than he was raised. "Okay," he answered, because that was easiest. Immensely so, comparative to what he should have said. Truth be told, he was fried. His limits had been pushed as far as they could be for one conversation, and he needed the chance to decompress before anything more could be gotten from him. Ryder had come to recognize this in himself, though he still didn't usually handle it the way he should. For Finley, he forced himself to try and do better in this moment. "Mom... Can I please... go be alone? So I can..." his hesitation was more difficult to push past there, so incredibly unwilling (or unable?) to verbalize feelings, "calm down." He hated the words as they came out of his mouth. They were all wrong, it wasn't the right connotation, the right impression, they weren't worth what they conveyed. But they were out and if he'd found anything more fitting in the past two years he'd have said that instead, wouldn't he of? "I just... I want to talk to you. Before... bed, maybe?" The question came with a deeply-felt hopefulness in his eyes.

ONCE YOU'RE DEAD YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK

Okay. It didn’t feel okay. It didn’t feel okay that she was becoming a grandmother before her son was ready. It didn’t feel okay that it was happening without Caspian, without Jethro. She never pictured herself becoming a grandparent without her sons being older, settled in a real relationship first.But, she couldn’t push him, she knew what would happen if she did.

But, it seemed like they were already there. Ryder requested to leave, and the expression on his face was deeply heartbreaking. Nodding she said quietly, ”We can talk whenever you’re ready.” She would be there for him, whenever, and whatever he needed to make this any easier. To make sure her grandchildren had a good life.

Green eyes followed her son’s retreating form for a long time, even after she was no longer able to see him. Eventually she let out a deep sigh that seemed to deflate her all the way from her belly. Looking up at the sky she hoped that there would be some kind of answer there for her, but there wasn’t. There were no answers for what was going on right now. She couldn’t believe how careless Ryder had been, he had known better.

At this point she completely abandoned the task that she had been going to do, in fact she didn’t even remember what she had been doing. Instead she left the territory to go think, or fret was probably more accurate, but she also needed to be alone.