He tried not to think about it too much. He wasn’t ready to be a father. He’d never wanted to be a father and even up to now he had decided to just ignore the situation. Ignore her changing smell, ignore the slight swelling that had appeared around her belly. If he ignored it, it didn’t exist. It was times like these however, when the rain poured down upon his silky black fur, that his thoughts drifted to topics that would depress him; his offspring being one of them. With a snort, he tried to push the topic out of his mind, but to no avail.
He wasn’t really sure what he felt about it all. All he knew was that he was going to end up like his father- cold, cruel and calculating. That suited him fine… but what wasn’t fine was knowing how his behaviour would effect his children. He’d been on the other end of his father’s beatings, of his temper, his rage and he knew just how small, pathetic and lonely he had felt. Sometimes it got to bad he wished his father would just kill him, put him out of his misery but he had let him live- another punishment it would seem. Could he really inflict that on his own children? He wondered how his father had been so alright with it, so perfectly happy to beat him till he couldn’t even stand. He was certain Naira wouldn’t stand for that, but even that wasn’t such a certainty anymore with her mood swings. Her happy go lucky attitude was missing, along with her waistline and even he was finding it hard to be around her at that moment.
Perhaps that was why he had come here today. To get away from her, from his reality because things were really starting to get real. Sure, throw him into battle and he’d fight to his last breath, throw him into scandal and he’d be the first to stab you in the back, but throw him into fatherhood? No; a reality he simply couldn’t handle.
Suddenly his paws stopped him dead in his tracks. His paws refused to budge another inch; physically he didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to go home, back to the reality which was waiting for him, the reality he had created and had to take responsibility for… did he really have to go back? He could stay here, hide away from the world and live alone. He’d miss his pack sure, but he could make another; not everyone could possibly hate him, just yet at least. Naira would look for him, but not for long. She’d be den-bound soon… he thought then to Valiant; the male had knocked up many females and left them to bare the young alone. With a shudder he saw himself in the silver wolf, a coward, running from the mess he had made. He never had understood why the male had sired so many children, seduced so many females but right here, right now… he could relate. The temptation had been so great, the physical feelings and instincts pulled him to do what just felt right. This is what happened when he allowed his body to rule his mind… if he had listened to his brain, he’d never have been in this situation.
His ghostly grey eyes fell to his paws, watching intensely as his toes started to sink within the mixture of mud and leaves around them. Maybe the ground would open up and swallow him; all of his troubles would melt away to nothing then and he’d never be found. He didn’t want to go that way, but with the cold rain snaking down his back, his glum mood settling in for the evening, it just seemed so appealing.
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