Grizzly Hollow identity crisis

It was quiet. A mist hung in the air which seemed to dampen everything, as though it smothered sound and smell and sight alike. It was a tiny little bit like swimming, perhaps, or more appropriately, swimming in a dream. The mist was just another blanket on top of the snow, like the world was just trying to hide itself, or wrap up snug for the winter. He knew each tree and shrub and knoll and dip and path and root as well as he knew himself, and these blankets didn't affect that one bit. Tomen moved through the territory deep inside his own mind, his paws on pure autopilot. The cedarwoods couldn't fool him, no matter how many masks it wore.

That autopilot took him to the dens, where he paused to poke his head inside, but nobody was there. The dark wolf frowned, snorting softly as something tickled his nose, but he paid it no mind. He wasn't sure who he was looking for, or whether he was looking for anyone at all, but there was something on his mind and it was silly and arbitrary but...

Stepping back, he stared at the cold and frozen foliage around the den, the hints of green underneath the white, and it made him think of one person. With a renewed determination his feet were off again, this time carrying him to the hole in the ground where the pack's herbs were kept, where @Pip had come when @Oula had been struggling with birthing the triplets, where @Ophelia had once re-organised her father's stores when still tiny and troublesome. Not that she had ever stopped being troublesome... something which may once have brought a chuckle to him, but considering recent events, only made him feel anxious.

"@Veho?" he called, tentative, not sure if the man was even nearby. This place always smelled of him, and the pungent plants threw off his nose besides. "Are you here? I'd like to... uh, to talk to you."

If you needed Veho, this was the place to find him, wasn’t it?  Even as the pack’s leader, the man was still a medic at heart – perhaps even now, despite everything, he did not feel as though he would remain Grizzly Hollow’s alpha forever, either.  Rook wasn’t here, and yet--  And yet the territory still seemed to be a Lyall territory, didn’t it?  Often he wondered if Tomen would be interested in becoming leader once he came of age, but it usually seemed Nineva was more keen on blossoming into an alpha than Rook’s only son.
 
At the particular moment, Veho found himself dozing in the warmth of his medical den – with the low winter stash, there was more than enough room for a wolf (or two, considering poor Pip) – when the subject of some of his musing seemed to appear from thin air.  The male opened one sleepy eye, and then the other, pale gaze regarding Tomen silently for a moment before he nodded and wiggled his way out of the mouth.
 
“Tomen,” he greeted the youth, brushing his nose against the Lyall’s shoulder.  He looked alright, generally speaking.  No injuries, at least.  “Of course.  What can I do for you?”

Where to even start? Now that he actually had to put word to all of the thoughts swirling inside his head, the boy hesitated. Tomen might have felt bad for disrupting the man's rest if he wasn't so familiar with @Veho by now, so comfortable in the belief that the older man always made himself available whenever his packmates needed him. It was nice to be able to rely on someone so completely. So, in the end, he didn't try to tailor himself too much, because he trusted the Macieo to listen openly and ignore his bumbling. Which was probably going to be a lot worse than usual.

"I just. Uh." Pip, Ophelia, Deacon, Oula, Belladonna, Rook, Nineva - most of all, Nineva - they all swam about inside his skull, vying for attention, and he didn't know what to make of any of it anymore. Alongside them all was a figure of himself, another opaque mystery... one to tackle first, so that the others might fall into place, or to leave alone, so that his unpicking of the other issues might reveal what he needed to know about himself?

"I'm in a... weird place lately. I got a lot of... um. Just not sure who to talk to about it all. Normally I'd... well, I used to talk to Pru, but..." But the absence of the little owl, while hardly of importance to anyone else in the pack (or any ordinary wolf at all), was not something that he'd hidden to the wolves who cared about him. He swallowed and chewed on his tongue, averting his gaze through insecurity of his own feelings, self-conscious but nevertheless trusting that Veho would be gentle and honest with him. Pru could have been the most judgemental creature alive but Tomen had always been able to interpret her reactions however he liked.

But he was going to have to start somewhere.

"I don't miss dad anymore. Or mom. Am I a bad person?"

(This post was last modified: Jan 08, 2017, 08:58 PM by Tomen.)

Thankfully, patience was something Veho had in spades.  If it took the boy more than a moment to sort out his thoughts into the words he wanted to share, that was perfectly alright.  The male only rearranged himself, circling around the youth to sit next to him, allowing them to recline shoulder-to-shoulder as Tomen’s mind whirled.  There was a certain gift in that, being able to think before he spoke, and the Macieo certainly wasn’t about to chastise such a trait when so few wolves exhibited such a thing in the first place.
 
When the Lyall did find his words eventually, Veho’s ears tipped, inclining his head as his companion stumbled over words and explanations.  Though he’d vaguely noted the absence of the resident owl, there was nothing he could do – so he only offered a soft, sympathetic noise, and allowed Tomen to continue until the words tapered off in a question.  Again, the alpha hummed, allowing himself his own time to think before replying.
 
“No, Tomen.  You are not a bad wolf.  You are a wolf who is trying to survive, even though you have been dealt an unfortunate set of circumstances.”  He sighed softly, glancing down at his own paws.  “When I was much younger, I had two sisters: Namid, the leader of Fallen Tree Cove, and Neha.  Neha took very sick, and she died long before we met our first year.  As her older brother, I had always thought it my duty to protect her – evidently, I had not done my job, because she had perished.  Clearly, there was nothing a boy of my age could have done, even if I had been more persistent in bothering the healer, but for a very long time…the guilt ate me.  I made bad choices.  The wolf I am now is not fond of the wolf I was then.  Holding yourself hostage is never the answer.  If you do not miss them, you should not feel guilty for that.  Your mother disappeared a very long time ago, and Rook--”
 
Ah, this was a hard topic, wasn’t it?  He loved that man, but these days, it…  Veho glanced back up, silver eyes seeking Tomen’s even as evident hurt washed across his gaze.  “Your father is a troubled soul, Tomen.  Some days I miss him so badly it hurts – other days, I do not miss him, either.  If I were to go on missing him so terribly, I do not think I would be able to get up in the morning, and I could not do that.  I could not abandon Grizzly Hollow, and I could not abandon you, or the triplets.  To do so would hurt much more, and such a thing I could not forgive myself for.”
 
He allowed the silence to reign for several more minutes, before adding hesitantly, “I do consider you as a son, Tomen.  I know we are not related, and I know your father and I have a relationship that…even I cannot explain, somedays, but…I wish only the best for you.  And if I can help you, I will.” 

There is a rabbit's nest nearby. +1 Health

Tomen knew that this was hardly a topic uniquely painful to him. Whatever problems or misconceptions he had once had about Veho and his father were long in the past, long faded. Rook's absence did not affect him alone, and so just as he felt guilt over bringing it up now, his gratitude for @Veho's patience and level-headed response was sky-high. The yearling listened to Veho's story, hanging onto the words for the wisdom within, for the glimpse into the man's past. Tomen knew that Veho's sister ruled the mountain pack, but he hadn't known about Neha. That had been the name of Veho's niece who had stayed with them for a short time. It must've been nice to have family so nearby.

But Rook couldn't stay out of the picture forever, and Tomen heard the hesitation, saw the pain as his own gaze lifted to meet the older man's. Everything that Veho said then rang true, and the dark boy sat in humbled silence as he absorbed it all, already knowing that he had made the right decision in coming here today. He had needed this. One day, he might be able to repay Veho for his boundless kindness, but today he just had to settle for being selfish.

He hadn't expected what came next.

Eyes widening at the simple but poignant statement, his ears twitched up a little from where they had laid flat against his skull, and he gazed at the soft grey man with a rapidly growing sensation that that was it - that was exactly it - and in that moment, at least one of the scrambled pieces in his head found its place.

"I want to be," he whispered, emotion making his throat tight. "The triplets are - they're my family, you're my family. I don't feel... the Lyalls and Attayas, they don't... I don't...

"I wish you were my dad."

 

“Oh, Tomen…”
 
And for a moment, the words built up, caught in his throat.  Even as he tried to swallow the emotion back down, it remained lodged there.  Something wet glittered in the man’s moonlit gaze and he was forced instead to act, curling his neck and head over the yearling’s shoulder in the closest equivalent of a hug.  Without much thought at all, his tongue flashed out as he released the embrace, lapping against the boy’s cheek before pulling away.
 
“Family is what you make it, my boy.  Rook and Oula are my family, just as my sister and my children are my family.  Blood is important, but it is not everything.  I am not close to my own brother at all.  I am much more invested in you – and as long as you wish it, you are my son.”  Even if there was ever a time the boy outgrew such a desire, Veho would long consider him to be family, every bit his child as were Joan, Felix, and Ophelia.  “A name is only a name.  That you are an Attaya and a Lyall does not mean you are beholden to them if you do not wish to be.  You are a Macieo too, in spirit.  And you are a wolf of the Hollow.  But most importantly, you are Tomen – you are the only one, and you get to decide who you will keep close to you as your family and comrades.  Even the Ancestors do not decide that.  I may consult them for advice, but…ultimately, the choice is my own, and your choice is your own.  Do not ever let anyone else tell you who to love, or how to love.”

 

“There is not enough of it in the world, already.  So hold on to what you believe.” 

It was so much, too much, and had Tomen not been wrestling with these thoughts for so very long he may have buckled under the weight of it all. But when Veho tucked his neck over his shoulder, Tomen just pressed back, relishing the closeness and empathy and the feeling of complete, genuine, unquestioning love. Rather than collapse him, he was strengthened. This had been the right choice. He hadn't even realised how much he needed this.

When the older man pulled back and spoke again, it was as though he understood every inch of Tomen's thoughts despite how he had stumbled over nearly every sentence. Of any wolf, Tomen knew how unimportant words were. It was stunningly clear that Veho knew him, knew his heart, with barely the need for words at all.

You are a Macieo too, in spirit, he said, and Tomen's gut clenched in need.

And then because Veho was Veho, he knew exactly what else to say to cut right into the core of Tomen's heart's woes, but the dark wolf realised then just how intertwined his problems were. It all came down to -

"L-love," he muttered, the word strange on his mouth because he had such a war with the concept, not only when it came to family and responsibility but also to... "Veho, h-how... how can love hurt so much?"

“I don’t--  I don’t know.   This is not something my parents or Ancestors taught me, and not for a lack of trying, but I think it is different for every individual.  My parents, for example, loved only one another – I know not where I learned to love in plural, but I have very little control over it, I suppose.  I did not intend to fall in love with anyone.  In fact, a long while ago, when your father invited me to join Grizzly Hollow as a medic, I agreed on one condition – I be not tethered here, for mine was a wandering heart.”
 
Veho couldn’t help the small smile.  It felt like years!  He’d changed so much in the time since he’d entered Relic Lore, since he’d met Rook Lyall, and joined Grizzly Hollow.  He’d challenged upwards with the intention of becoming a good and noble beta, of serving the best he could – and look just where it had gotten him!
 
“Things change, I suppose.  But it hurts when we give ourselves away.  It hurts when we give some of our heart, and that is taken.  Nothing is given in return.  But that is love, Tomen – love is selfless.  I feed my children and do not expect anything in return.  I mentor you not for my own benefit, but because I see it as important for your growth.  Love freely, because love is good.  Love should make you feel good – and sometimes, when things do not go as expected, it hurts all the more.  But do not stop for fear of hurt, Tomen.  Because to be loved in return is more wonderful than anything else, and I would not wish it upon anybody to be closed off from that.”

Rendered hopeless with his own words, Tomen could not have been more grateful for @Veho's eloquence in those moments. It was a curious duality, where he appreciated how one could say so much with so little and yet he hung onto every one of the older, wiser wolf's many words as though each one were a fresh lifeline to cling to, another tiny step closer to clarity. Maybe words had their place, too. Tomen knew he would never, ever be so skilled with them as Veho, but that was okay. Veho was a better man than most in all other regards, too.

I did not intend to fall in love with anyone. It hurts when we give ourselves away. Love is selfless. Love is good.

To be loved in return is more wonderful than anything else.

It didn't matter that Tomen was nearly a man grown; in that moment, he was but a child, and Veho his guardian, his mentor, his parent. He embraced it wholly, and opened himself, even when he had not yet been able to be open with himself.

"I love plenty," he whispered, eyes staring at the ground, at the small clump of snow that he'd made by so careless dropping his paw right there, unable to keep himself from thinking how it would melt and vanish so he had better look at it now because otherwise he would never get the opportunity again, and the transient nature of everything was suddenly terrifying. "So, so much. I just... don't think she does."