Shroud of the Lost How to keep breathing

For @Jessamy set shortly after this thread

He had to hold it together; he was all they had now. He could feel the grief pressing down on him, a cloud of darkness at the back of his mind, sending out tendrils into every corner of his being, threatening to consume him whole. But he couldn’t let it. There would be time, later, to succumb to some of that burden, to let out the tears and the anguish; But not yet…   He had responsibilities, things left to him now that both of the Eastfalls were gone, one thing especially. “Sam?” he’d ask, softly, keeping back a little, so as not to invade her privacy; “Wanna talk?” They didn’t have to of course, but he didn’t want her to be alone with this. He knew what it was like to lose his parents; I’m here… Thoughts ”Speech”

Coccineus, annamae22, stock-ashleyrwatts & Dawnthieves.de

Jessamy didn't know what to do. The days continued, the world moved like nothing had happened... yet everything had. Her parents were gone. She still found herself looking for them, expecting their warmth in the den at night. She clung to their scent, barely leaving the den for the first days, but all too soon it had faded - choked out by her own cloying anxiety and buried into the soil. If she really snuffled into the ground she could catch a whiff of them - but they were gone.

They were gone. Just like Sari. Just like Magg, and Neva, and Aven, and the sisters Sam had never known. Gone.

And Sam didn't know what to do. She'd vowed to live for both herself and Sari, but she didn't know how to do that anymore, without her parents to guide her.

She lay at the water's edge, staring at the water, when she heard Leo call her. She lifted her head and turned it toward the sound, ears sagged, but did not stand. "Hi Leo," she said quietly, returning her chin to her paws and gaze to the bubbling water.

i want to turn you loose

watch you bloom

He’d tried his best to strike the balance between giving her the space she needed to process on her own, and the physical support, to know she wasn’t alone; Although it probably feels like that… At least Leo hadn’t been without both parents at any time growing up.   Until now, she seemed to have needed privacy more, clinging to the remnants of her parents until they finally faded, all too soon. Still, he had kept close by at all times, sleeping outside the den while she rested within, trying to keep the cold out as best he could.   Looking at her now, so miserable in that place that was meant to be their new beginning, he felt an aching pain in his chest, wishing so deeply that he could take all that sorrow away – fix everything, like a big brother was supposed to do. But all he could offer was a gentle: “Hey there little crow, how are you doing?” A wisp of a smile curving his lips, all the optimism he could muster. Thoughts ”Speech”

Coccineus, annamae22, stock-ashleyrwatts & Dawnthieves.de

He stood over her, clearly trying to muster some sort of cheer, and Sam finally looked up at him without lifting her head, eyes rolled as high as they could go to see him. She blinked at his small smile, at the nickname. She sat quietly for a moment, watching him, then returned her gaze to the water. "Okay, I guess," she lied. What else was she supposed to say? What else could she be? Was she allowed to continue being sad? Everyone else seemed okay, and with how cold it had gotten she felt she needed to step up and be okay just like everyone else.

She could be okay, if only she could remember how. Trying to remember felt like trying to find her way back to her birthplace, somewhere that seemed so distant and faint in her mind, and she hadn't been paying attention during the journey.

Her ears twitched back against her head without her permission. She swallowed, then tucked her nose between her paws and fought down a sniffle; hopefully she could pass the action off as trying to get the sensitive skin out of the biting cold.

i want to turn you loose

watch you bloom

She looked so tiny – despite all the growing she’d done over the past month – the wide, round eyes looking up at him underlining her youth. She was putting on a brave face, hiding by turning her attention back to the water. He should have expected as much, knowing how her parents had always made an effort to hide their own pain, to shield their family; But she shouldn’t be…   He was the adult now, him and Nori, and to an extend Matos, though Leo still thought of him distinctly as a younger brother. They were supposed to be supporting her, protecting her; Not the other way around… A soft sigh fell from the Vuesain’s lips as he moved to sit down beside the girl, careful to leave a little space between them and keeping his own eyes on the water. He didn’t want to press her too hard, afraid of alienating her more rather than offering comfort – when his father died he’d still been a kid, too young to help his younger siblings deal with the grief, but at least they’d still had their mom – but he was all Jessamy had; What would Nash have done?   Eyes still on the water, absently trailing the little eddies, swirling between ice crystals trying to form into sheets, Leo tilted his head, brows furrowing a little. Still in that soft voice, but with an almost contemplative tone, he said: “You know, you don’t have to be? I’m not.” It was the truth, plain and simple. While he tried his best to stay strong, focused on the responsibilities that had been left to him, there were still those quiet moments with nothing else to distract him, when the pain took over, threatening to swallow him whole. He couldn’t surrender to that darkness, he wouldn’t, but it was a struggle. Thoughts ”Speech”

Coccineus, annamae22, stock-ashleyrwatts & Dawnthieves.de

Jessamy's ear twitched when Leo sighed, and again as he settled beside her. She held her breath for a moment, hoping to hold back the tears that Always seemed to threaten her, only for her head to snap up at his words. Her eyes widened in surprise. She didn't realize her mouth hung open until a gust of breeze chilled her tongue and her teeth clicked as she closed it. <B>"You're not?"</b> she asked, voice nearly a whisper.

If <I>Leo</I>, her strong and brave older brother, wasn't okay... What hope did she have? How could she be okay when even he was struggling?

Jessamy's ear twitched when Leo sighed, and again as he settled beside her. She held her breath for a moment, hoping to hold back the tears that Always seemed to threaten her, only for her head to snap up at his words. Her eyes widened in surprise. She didn't realize her mouth hung open until a gust of breeze chilled her tongue and her teeth clicked as she closed it. <B>"You're not?"</b> she asked, voice nearly a whisper.

If <I>Leo</I>, her strong and brave older brother, wasn't okay... What hope did she have? How could she be okay when even he was struggling?