Cedarwood Forest a void never satisfied

All welcome. Keeping things vague, 'cos I'm catching up on what's been haps and what Tomen would know. Anybody's who tagged or otherwise let me know if anything's wonky. <3

First it had been Cinder. Or maybe, more rightly, it had been his grandfather, but to die wasn't to disappear; everybody knew where he had gone, everybody could understand it, everybody could mourn without mystery. Then it had been @Cinder, he was pretty sure. It was all kinda weaving into one, and each time he thought about it, tried to pick it apart and put it together, he was a little less certain. Did it really matter who came next - or, more rightly, who had gone next? Did it matter if they'd given warning, if those left behind were given something tangible to hold onto, like with grandfather, or whether it had just happened? Cinder had just gone - and so had @Katariina, and @Jynx. But they hadn't been the only ones. @Kenelm was gone, which had torn Nineva apart, and for a time she had gone too to look for him, but she was still here, he thought, even though he gave her a wide berth now, because how could he help? He didn't know where her uncle had gone. No more than he knew where his own mother was right now.

And that was the one which hurt the most, although she had been one of those with an explanation; Cinder was her sister, so of course she had to go. Family came first. Family came first. Family came first. Every time the words ran through his head, his heart would have a corresponding flash of hot, angry pain, for it was so hard to be sympathetic when every bone in his body wanted to scream out I'm your family too. Didn't her mate and son come first? Was it fair to value family members like that, to line them up and assign them a value? Who cared if it was fair. She was his mother. He needed her.

And then there were those who were absent and yet still entirely here in body, and yet - yet there was a gap, a chasm, a whole entire world between them, with Tomen on one side and his father and @Veho on the other, a world of confusion and misunderstanding and just... what the hell. Was it true? Could it be true? Could it explain everything? Was that why @Quil was gone, really? Had she been pushed out?

After Kat had gone, the boy had pushed even harder in his running, wanting to prove to Veho and Jynx and his parents that he would make a good scout, wanting to better himself, make himself stronger and useful and valuable. But now he just ran without intention, without thought. The world didn't make sense, and he was tired of trying to understand it only to hate it a little more.

The world wouldn't stop taking things from him, but it hadn't taken his legs. So he just ran.

PM me Lightning if the Nina reference isn't okay. <3

& NOW I KNOW THE ONLY COMPASS THAT I NEED

With every passing day and each tumultuous wave of the oncoming Spring season, Nineva was coming to accept that Grizzly Hollow was no longer the respite she thought it to be; and that hurt. The childish fogs of her foolish crusading was burning away under the heat of adolescence, along with her innocence, and she found herself living in an unbearable state of self-assumed apostasy. Without Kenelm's encouragement she could no longer bolster the illusion that she had done anything more than abandon her family, becoming the deserter that her parents had taught her at such a young age to despise. It felt certain that she would not be welcomed back, yet her accidental run in with her aunt @Nina gave her hope and she knew that regardless of the repercussions, she had to go home. Not to the desolate Caverns, but to her family.

She had to face the music of what she had done, had to at least try to make things right. Staying here? She was only wading deeper and deeper into sin. Tomen's family, oh poor Tomen, had fallen apart just about the same time as Kenlem had vanished. She had been so preoccupied finding the missing man, determined that he would not have just left, that she had failed to be there for her friend. When she had finally started looking up from her own paws again, everything felt so changed. Rook was back but Quil was still gone, and that was just so wrong. Worst yet, the man was becoming openly affectionate toward his replacement, and a sickening feeling filled the girl's stomach each time she thought of it. All together, she tried to avoid speculation, but it was hard not to see what was before ones own eyes.

What had become of Quil? How could Rook turn his back on his own wife? She didn't know the story, but hadn't heard of any tragedies. From what she could gather, Rook had simply chosen to come back, to leave the woman who had sworn herself to him, born him a son, revived his Hollow home to search for what remained of her family alone. Now he was violating his vows further with another man, whom, it could be scented by now, was intimate with the lead female--a wolf unbetrothed to anyone. It was far too much for her to be comfortable with; she couldn't imagine it being her own father so tightly intertwined in such crimes.

She wanted to go home, to leave this gigantic mess of mistakes behind her and do right by her own family, for once, but she couldn't just leave her friend. Not now when his life was falling apart, and that was why, as he flew through the forest as fast as his young legs would carry him, she was right on his tail, steadily gaining in hopes of catching up to him and bringing him to a stop. To make him breathe and ask him to confide in her. How badly she hoped that he actually would want to.

Tomen! she called to him, dodging roots and trunks and catching glimpse of tail and hocks amongst the thawing florae. Hey, wait up!

IS THE ONE THAT LEADS BACK TO YOU.

<3

Running made it far too easy to let stimuli wash over without acknowledgement, to ignore sounds and smells and sights which otherwise triggered unhappy thoughts. It was an escape in so very many ways, as well as the most literal, which was why his mind, at first, tuned out a voice behind him. But the force of identity is strong; somewhere his subconscious registered that the voice had called his name, which was just enough of an opening that, when she cried out again, it made its way to his conscious mind. Automatically he began to slow as his eyes came back into focus and the self-built fog in his head began to lift, pulling away from the mindless high of his sprint.

He knew that voice, of course. He knew it very well. Even as he came to a stop and turned around, bemused as to what she was doing out here and why she had called to him, his waking-up brain realised. She had been following him, and he'd been so absorbed in his own head that he'd never realised it. Why would she follow him? It didn't matter; while he he been giving her all the space she wanted, now she'd come to him, and through his dulled state his tail lifted to wag just a little, because she was still here and she was still the same. It wasn't her fault that Kenelm had gone, but at least she hadn't gone too.

"Nineva?" he returned, eyes searching for that beautiful two-tone gaze, feeling just a little bit warmer. "What are you doing here?"

& NOW I KNOW THE ONLY COMPASS THAT I NEED

He heeded her request and she was relieved to be able to slow. The boy was something of a speed demon anymore, and as well practiced as her legs were at traveling, they still burned with the effort it had taken to catch and keep up with Tomen. A couple of breathless pants escaped her as she trotted the remaining distance to his side. Her muzzle reached forward to pat him on the cheek in friendly greeting as she thought about what to say now that she soley had his attention. Soley. That always felt good, even in the midst of such a mess as this. The boy had a gift for making others feel important, and Nineva always imagined that there was a particular warmth to the attention he gave her.

I um, wanted... she failed to start, suddenly finding herself unsure of how to ask him such questions as the ones she wanted. The girl was nothing of a wordmonger, but this was wasted breath all the same. A sigh fled her jaws as she closed her eyes and steeled her nerves. When they opened again to lock with his, they shone with determination. A small but compassionate frown pulled at her black lips as her brows knit together downward and she asked him, How are you?

Above all the questions of what and why, that was the most important one she could think to ask, and what she most wanted to know.

IS THE ONE THAT LEADS BACK TO YOU.

(This post was last modified: Mar 15, 2016, 04:56 PM by Nineva.)

i'm on public transport how dare you almost make me squee out loud

His own sides rose and fell with proof of his exertion, but not to the degree visible in Nineva, who seemed almost breathless from the effort. Had he been going that fast for that long? Was he that quick now? If only Kat were still here... it would have been dearly valued to measure himself against her again. But he could not think of anyone else for long while the grey-furred girl stood before him, and certainly not the moment she moved forward to greet him, quickly and briefly but surely, and the warmth spread through his chest and touched his lips as he tenderly pushed back against her touch.

Everything he'd been running from was suddenly a little less important.

Her first hesitant answer, though, gave Tomen cause for worry, with the way she paused and closed her eyes. His brows pulled together in concern, his jaw slackening as he was about to make sure everything was all right, but she beat him to it - with the exact same question.

It was almost ridiculous, especially when combined with the look of stubborn determination on her face, as though she had asked something far more significant - and as his concerned expression melted into a bemused one, the hilarity struck him at once, and he let loose a soft bark of laughter.

"You chased me all the way out here just to ask if I'm okay?" he clarified, humour in his tone and affection in his eyes. It was silly but it was also so damn sweet. He'd guess she was covering for something if he didn't think he knew her better than that, and there was no deception in her pretty face.

"Well," he continued, (a little slowly, perhaps just to belabour the point for fun), then reached forward to bump her noses with his own. "I guess I'm better now. Thank you for caring."

There are several fresh rabbit tracks in the mud. Hunt Opportunity

ehehehe <3

& NOW I KNOW THE ONLY COMPASS THAT I NEED

Surprise widened her eyes and smoothed back her ears as the boy responded in a way quite opposite of what was expected. The return question made her feel a bit sheepish, but he was far too good natured to not earn the easing of a smile over her lips. When his leathery nose nudged hers the expression widened into a small grin and her tail picked up for a few beats. Better now? It was good to hear, but left her confused. Because she was here? Because she had thought to ask? What about before, better than what exactly, and was that enough of an improvement?

With all these new questions, Nineva was forced to pause and consider something. Maybe Tomen wasn't the wreck she assumed he should be. The likelihood that he had spoken to his father about everything that was occurring was very high; maybe he knew a whole other side of the story, maybe everything wasn't as terrible as she speculated. Yet... she knew what it was like to have your mother gone. Even with a good reason, that still wasn't something you could just be fine with.

More nerve wracking yet, was that whatever level of not okay Tomen actually was, if she made it better... well, that just hurt. How could she tell him now that she wanted to leave? Of course they wouldn't be far, and nothing would stop her from visiting him frequently, but she would still be walking away from him. She wouldn't be right within reach, whenever he needed her (if he ever did). All the times that he had dealt with her crazy, her insecurities and overreactions, and now things were tough for him and she made it better but she needed to go home. Why did the timing have to be so terrible?

Of course I care, she answered him, as her expression calmed into a much smaller smile once more. You're like... my best friend.

Hell, he was the only she had left, it felt like. That didn't make it much different, though. Like the Caverns, Tomen had become a constant that she felt she would always want to come back to; a marble pillar within her life, strong and soft at the same time.

There's just, so much going on, and I thought... It felt uncomfortable to simply ask. Tomen, how do you feel about your absent mother? Tomen, how do you feel about your father's replacement for her? How horrible it would be to put it all into words, but she knew that she had always been made to feel better talking to Kenelm about everything that was wrong and bothersome. It had to be the same for Tomen, right?

My mother left too, she admitted suddenly, a desperate attempt at opening the door in a way that would not alienate him. It didn't cross her mind that unless the boy had spoken with his father about her confessions to Rook and Veho, that the information she was giving him would be nothing short of conflictingly confusing. She just wanted him to know that on some level, she understood; that he could talk to her about it. I don't know why. I was just told she had a job to do, and then she was gone. That tore me up inside. I wasn't okay.

IS THE ONE THAT LEADS BACK TO YOU.

Gonna roll with Tomen knowing very little since it's a conversation more fun to actually write I think? Plus he's never been the suspicious sort (towards anyone other than his parents maybe...) so it works.

There was something brewing beneath that two-coloured gaze, something Tomen couldn't read. He saw the small, telltale signs of pleasure in her body language which showed that his little touches had a similar affect on her as her own did to him, which was... satisfying. And then when she affirmed it, called him her best friend, his eyes widened with surprise and his tail began to sweep from side to side in delight. Best friends. Once he'd had many friends, all of them adults, but Nineva was the same as him and the best of them all.

Even if she was frightened of tiny birds and prone to dramatics and had far too much wanderlust (not that he could judge that last one much these days), she was still totally the best.

He let her speak without interruption, seeing that she had something important to say and not wanting to distract her from trying to find the right words. Watching her patiently, he sat down before her as she struggled, face hovering close to her own as the proximity comforted him. Then she said it: My mother left too.

Oh. She wanted to have this conversation. His ears flicked back, and he winced a little, but otherwise made no outward reaction to the topic - it was painful, and for both of them no less, but if she thought it was significant then he would listen. Besides, this was the first time she'd really talked about her past with him in anything more than vague terms, and on anything as important as family. His father had shared her story when she first joined, and out of respect (albeit she had terrified him back then) he had never brought it up. Maybe that's why she liked his company, because he didn't pry into her business? And he wasn't sure if this was her now prying into his, or sharing her own... or maybe it was both. But that was okay, he had no secrets. He was pretty sure he was the only wolf in the pack without any.

"Yeah," he muttered, a weak attempt at solidarity. His eyes fell to his paws, which shifted through the grass. Nineva would have known that his mother was gone for a similar reason, he didn't need to point it out. Nor did he need to wallow in his own sadness when she was sharing her own. "That sucks. I'm sorry that happened. Is that, um..." He glanced from his feet to her face. "Is that why you came here? With Ken?" Damn that was a bad slip, he knew she was still cut up over her uncle disappearing, and he winced again at his own lack of tact. "... Sorry."

Totally down with that!

& NOW I KNOW THE ONLY COMPASS THAT I NEED

Guilt settled heavily upon her shoulders as her admittance swept away the joy she had given him. Had she made a mistake? It felt like it initially, but she supposed this was what she was searching for; how he was truly feeling, no matter how dreary bringing those rain clouds in would make things. She hoped dearly that it would actually make him feel better, and that she wasn't muddying the ground between them unnecessarily.

Her eyes watched him carefully as he continued to speak, waiting for the moment that he would turn the conversation onto himself, but he never did. She should have expected that. He was always so selfless, and in comparison she proved to be quite selfish. At least, that was how it felt. It was, after all, always her crisis that he was sweeping up after.

Um, she started quietly, unwilling to flat out ignore his questions no matter how badly she wanted to redirect the focus. Her gaze flickered downward as she thought briefly. Narime leaving was a large part of what had pushed her, but there were so many other hands that had settled upon her back, poised to topple her completely.

Kind of. There were... a lot of reasons... none of them were very good. I mean, they were at the time, but now... Now she was something of an adult, in her own eyes at least, and she looked down upon the foolish child that had thought she could simply run away from everything.

That's not why I brought it up. Don't you want to talk about... any of it? I mean, you're always there for me when I'm... y'know, going bonkers, and I just... if you want me to just shut up 'bout it, I can do that too, she offered another shy grin in an attempt to show her willingness to return back to something lighthearted, if that was truly what he wanted, but if I can help, please let me.

IS THE ONE THAT LEADS BACK TO YOU.

It hadn't really occurred to him that she'd been trying to create an opener for him to talk about his feelings. It made sense, though, especially after seeing her flounder through his question as though she really hadn't expected him to ask it - because she hadn't. That's not why I brought it up, she said, and he breathed 'oh', and then felt both conscious of his inability to read the situation and that she wanted him to open up like that.

Not that it was hard to talk to her, but he hadn't talked about it with anyone. For as long as he could remember there had been... something strange about his family, a quality which had felt off even though it was the only experience he had. For as long as he could remember he had kept quiet, kept cheery, and never let them know that he sensed it, was constantly questioning it. For as long as he could remember he had always bottled all his negative feelings to do with his family and never discussed it out loud with anyone - not even Prudence, for that was still putting it into words. But his visits with his owl transcended spoken language; she had been his confidant and counselor through countless silent exchanges.

"I don't want you to shut up," he said quietly, eyes firmly back on his paws, which is where he decided they would stay. It would be so much harder otherwise. "I just don't know what to say." It was why he ran, so he didn't have to think about it, because thinking about it made him try to put words to it, and putting words to it took it from the realm of mystery and maybe-maybe-not to real. Firmly real. It confirmed all the weirdness he had seen but never pointed out, it validated it and made it all true. Could he deal with knowing that the rot went that far back? Went back as far as he could remember, and maybe even before that? Back to before he was born? Was the rot in him, too?

"I can't..." There was a tightness in his throat which made it so hard to speak, and that was when the words came out at all. He blinked, hard, then blinked again, feeling hot behind his eyes. It was so surreal to be even trying to articulate it, to pinpoint it, to pick out the source of everything he was experiencing and put it out there.

His mother was gone, but it was so much more than that. It wasn't like he was an infant anymore; he didn't need her milk to survive, nor her warmth. But she was gone, and yet in her place stood someone else, and it all just made so much horrible sense that every time Tomen came close to really, truly acknowledging it, he felt ill. Even now he suspected the story wasn't over; it wasn't like Oula and Veho were lovers, not really. So what did that mean for their potential children? What would they be to Rook, exactly? What did that make Tomen?

The fog was descending again, filling his mind, making it difficult to see. He sniffed, and blinked again, and she could see nothing but the ground and his paws but it was getting blurry. It was so pathetic, so weak, but it was raw, and she had asked him to talk about it and he trusted her. He barely trusted anyone else, but it felt wrong to let that be a reason to say fuck it and distrust everyone. Nineva had never broken it. If she didn't like seeing this then... he guessed he'd make sure to give her an even wider berth, so he didn't make her uncomfortable. But right now...

"Was I... was I a mistake?" When he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. "...I feel like I shouldn't exist."