Fallen Tree Cove call me the worst

For @Namid only. Mood music~.
Dated for 09/29/16. Dusk, storming.

call me a sinner, call me a saint

All the loose ends that he wanted to tie up, they were already done. Just moments spent with only two souls, @Cernan and @Neha. It was all that was needed, the only words he had to speak, before he felt free to turn his back on the pack he'd served and protected for a year now. So much time, and yet his roots had been that fragile and dry. It was pathetic, really, but just all the more reason that he needed to leave. His paws took him quickly over the earth, away from the lake and toward the crest of the mountain. Away from the strangers he'd spent every night by, the man who he had never been loyal to, and the woman whom he would never be able to speak his heart to.

All for the better, because if he stayed longer, he would not be able to bear it further. He might actually mount the courage, a word would slip out or a gesture be made that could not be ignored. It was best he disappear than cause harm like that. This time, he would not be selfish. He would finally do the right thing.

As he marched, Nathaniel could not tell if the sky disagreed with him or was grumbling its reservations. The lightning struck intermittently and the air was charged with an energy that reminded him of the one-eyed wonder who had vanished under similar circumstances. He should have taken her offer then, and had always cursed himself for not doing so each time a storm rolled in and revived her memory. Perhaps he could find her now, maybe she hadn't gotten too far from him. Better late than never, no?

The wind picked up and shifted as the storm moved through the sky, bringing him the scent of land that was not stained with the stench of Vuesain piss. While the man had mixed feelings about leaving Fallen Tree Cove, the beckoning of freedom lifted his heart and his pace picked up; only to abate with the recognition of the nearby presence of another. Suddenly his tongue was dry and his muscles weak. Of all wolves, Namid was nearby. Alone. Nathaniel found himself frozen as his heart began to hammer.

She was exactly the person he needed to avoid, the one he was so desperate to leave behind. Yet everything within him screamed to be selfish, that this meant something, to seize this final chance. Indecision mired him for countless moments before, inch by inch, he unthawed and fire took over. Just slipping away would not do. He needed to end this, here and now; need to leave nothing but scorched earth to come back to so that he could not fall prey to his weakness and make that ultimate mistake.

His strides turned and took him to her, and when he saw her he kept his head high and called out to her, "Namid, I have something to tell you."

tell me it's over i'll still love you the same

There were so many things that weren’t right with the Lake Queen lately. No…not queen anymore. She didn’t deserve that title, no longer bore that crown and each time she realized this was another stab to her heart. She’d tried, she’d tried so hard with a fire so strong she thought that she could take on the world. But the fire had turned into small embers now, stomped on by sickness of both mental and physical aspects. Her son was gone again, had been for months now and the frustration was getting to her so badly she didn’t know how to react to it anymore. Neha had returned, which was a relief, but perhaps depression was just in her nature. She had many things to be happy about; the twins, Vespertio, the other members in the pack. But…to not have the knowledge of what, exactly, had happened to her child was something that plagued her. Perhaps it was the worry that had left her weak, unable to get up to her feet some mornings. It was like she had been rescued all over again by Vespertio, and that killed her even more. She was supposed to be strong, resilient, but who was she kidding? Her character was never meant to be a leader, her mood too free-spirited, too vulnerable. And that was the reason she’d been forced to step down, and with members disappearing and a lack of another female to step up it was very likely she would be the one to drag the Cove to their grave.

The sun was setting, shown in the angry red of the clouds that covered the sky above in turbulent waves. She didn’t know what possessed her to finally get off her ass and go be useful at that moment, but whatever it was she didn’t question it. Her tail laid at her hocks, head settled in a position that now felt foreign, strange on a body that was once so regal. She held no power.

As she trodded along, thunder boomed overhead. It was this sound that masked the coming of Nathaniel, or perhaps it was just her muted thoughts. But, nonetheless his voice startled her into a stiff position for a moment, tail instinctively flagging up and her head turned in a flash. It took her a moment to realize, head lowering again and tail returning to its previous placement. She cleared her throat in embarrassment, turning to face the man, her new equal, completely. It was then that she noticed his posture, his command, and all of it could be, perhaps, describes as a man freed of any restrictions. It shocked her for a moment, head tilting sideways as this was a Nathaniel she had never seen before. This was a Nathaniel on a mission. “Is everything alright?” she asked.

Shallow water has trapped several fish in a small pond. Hunt Opportunity

call me a sinner, call me a saint

Looking at her now, he was reminded again of her recent fall. It was all the more reason for him to depart, perhaps the thing that had finally pushed him over the edge. Because she was vulnerable, in need, and oh he wanted to fit into that space so nicely, be exactly the thing that lifted her back up. It could never happen, he couldn't allow it. Because if he did... Cernan and Neha's faces swam through his mind, and his attempted to keep his resolution strong even as he saw the shadow of defeat behind those beautiful eyes.

This might kill him, but it was better than the alternative.

"I'm leaving," he informed her, voice inches softer than it had been before, but still harder than he'd ever held it in her presence before.

"And I... I need you to know why, because... otherwise I might try to come back," if they even allowed a deserter to re-enlist. He could not tell from prior experiences; everyone that had left them before had never reappeared, as if swallowed wholly by the wilderness. Anthem's ghost attempted to enter his thoughts, but he pushed that back, too. There was no room for regrets at this point.

Yet his voice became caught in his throat as the truth finally began to creep its way up toward the air. He realized that he was nervous still to admit the feelings that had been growing despite being kept from the sunlight. Where he had wanted to be blunt, he found himself struggling to say anything at all, much less to be clear.

"I'm dangerous, Namid."

tell me it's over i'll still love you the same

(This post was last modified: Sep 30, 2016, 05:04 AM by Nathaniel.)

Whatever she thought might come out of the man’s mouth before, it certainly hadn’t been what he actually said. Leaving? How could he be leaving? Of course…how could he not leave? The Cove was in disarray, her home in shambles because she couldn’t keep her head together. She was weak and everyone was leaving now. A bubble of panic rose in her chest because somewhere in her told her that if Nathaniel left, that would officially be the end of them. They would likely be forced to disband, because she knew that three adults and two inexperienced yearling could not keep them holding onto the windy mountain through the winter. They would starve if they did that. Yet, even knowing that she didn’t feel like she had the heart to tell him he wasn’t allowed to leave. That he wasn’t allowed to push him over the edge or that he was being selfish because he wasn’t. Not in her mind, anyhow.

She rocked back before sitting down, a small thump being heard just under the booming thunder from where her rump hit the ground. A look of confusion passed over his face, though, as he continued. Dangerous? Worried that he might come back? They seemed like contradictions to his previous statement. If he felt reservations about leaving, why leave at all? It made no sense to her, not in her muddled state anyhow. A wry smile curled onto her maw. “I do not see how you could be any more dangerous than I, Nate,” the pale woman said. “I feel like it would be the proper thing to plead with you, to tell you that you have to stay. That we need you. That we do, of course. But perhaps it would also be proper to chase you out right now, call you a traitor. Yet, I have also been on that end of the stick. Contradictions in place, I strangely feel no motivation to do either.” A small sense of bafflement crept into her voice, lips pursing in a thin line before she tilted her head up to look at the sky above. Rolling turmoil, how fitting for the end of their hold.

“Perhaps I cannot tell you to stay because I feel that this land might be painful for you. I know you were close with Anthem, and here his body lays. But…you are not your brother. You know that we have never tried to compare you to him, or us to you, correct? I know the sting of the loss of a sibling, and despite his connection here you are not bound to that same thing. If you need to leave…you need to leave. But, in the aspect of your worry of coming back…I would suggest that you don’t.” A small sigh escaped her jaws before she lowered her head to rest her mismatched gaze back on the dark man. “There likely will not be a pack left to come back to, should you feel a pull.”

call me a sinner, call me a saint

She reacted exactly as he prayed she wouldn't. Why couldn't anger blaze in her eyes? Why couldn't she sharpen her tongue and clack her fangs against him? Chase him out, tell him they didn't want him anyway, certainly didn't need him. Instead, her own depressive state seemed to mire her as she more or less thought aloud. The more she went on, he realized how wrongly she was interpreting this sudden action of his. The wiser portion of his mind told him to seize this escape route while he could It wasn't good enough, however, would not burn the bridge as he wanted. Anyways, he was sick of digging Anthem up so that he could hide behind him.

Then she spoke the truth that was evident but still he had refused to see; that without him to help or any miraculous new recruits, the Cove would not have the wolfpower to survive the Winter. They had places they could go, surely the Hollow would house them, but still he would be partly to blame for tearing Cernan and Neha from their home.

No, his mind argued suddenly. She couldn't do this to him, couldn't lay that over his shoulders too. Leaving was for the best, she needed to see this. The rest of it... well, where was fucking Vespertio? The man with the perfect life, wasn't it his responsibility before Nathaniels to ensure the pack was strong? Anger began to seep into the chocolate wolf's heart, fueling his next words. He wanted her to mirror it.

"This has nothing to do with Anthem," he rebuked, "its about you. You're right that this is a fucked up time for me to leave but it'll be a lot worse if I stay. Whatever happens to the pack, Vespertio will sweep you off to somewhere safe, I'm sure."

The words were acidic on his tongue, simply for their veracity. Vespertio was a good husband, a good father. That was why Nate couldnt touch him.

"I want to destroy your family, Namid. I want Vespertio on his belly. I want to be the man Cernan and Neha look up to over any other. I want you for myself."

tell me it's over i'll still love you the same

(This post was last modified: Oct 06, 2016, 03:24 AM by Nathaniel.)

The Star Dancer was even more confused by the look of anger on the man’s face. What had she done to deserve that? What could she have said? But, his next words shocked her completely, mismatched gaze widening and hackled rising with another harsh bolt of lightning. She’d never heard him use such language before, had yet to see this sort of venom in his gaze. And Vespertio, why was he being brought into this if it was all, supposedly, her fault. She had never given Nathaniel anything but kindness, yet it seemed to her that it was her fault still that he was leaving them.

"I want to destroy your family, Namid. I want Vespertio on his belly. I want to be the man Cernan and Neha look up to over any other. I want you for myself." he said with such malice that it nearly took her breath away. There was much that Namid could understand. She had a knack for looking into wolves and seeing their pain, for seeing them as they truly were. But…how could she have missed this in the dark man? All along he had been in their lands, he’d wanted to dethrone the king and take the queen for himself. Oh, the irony. She was so shocked she didn’t speak for a moment, taking in his words and digesting them before a flicker of emotion welled up in her chest. Then, it took her a moment to discover what that emotion was. Pity? Perhaps in part. Confusion? Most definitely. But…anger? It was an emotion she hadn’t felt in such a long time. True, complete anger was something that was so foreign that she had forgotten it was a feeling at all. Namid was normally in no mood to entertain the prodding’s of others, but if Nathaniel wanted her to get angry then she would get angry.

“You know, I am willing to accept everything you said. Yes, it makes me upset. But, nothing about it makes me more upset than knowing that it is all a lie. If you truly wanted me, you would want none of those things. If you truly loved my children, you would want none of those things. I do not tolerate lies.” The women said, her voice low and her mismatched gaze glinting. “This is what you want, I can see it in those icy eyes of yours. You want me to react, you want me to get angry. Well..” she continued, moving forward. As she went, her tail flagged and her silvery pelt ruffled. She continued until she was just in front of him, practically nose to nose. Namid did not back down, what she lacked in height she made up for in the power she held in her posture. Though she had stepped down, these were still her lands and her family’s home. She stared him straight in the eyes, unwavering. “you’ve got it.” Then, she threw her weight forward and forcefully shoved him back. “Get out. Leave like you want to Mr. I-have-no-one-who-loves-me. Leave thinking you are the only wolf in the world who has had it rough, like you are the only one in the world who has loved someone who cannot love you back. Go.” she barked, tossing her head.

She knew she could take him if it came down to it, in her bones she would defend until she could not. The woman was sad, in truth, for him. She understood his feelings to an extent, but she absolutely could not understand the need to rip a family apart to obtain what he wanted.

(This post was last modified: Oct 03, 2016, 01:48 AM by Namid.)

call me a sinner, call me a saint

Finally, a fire had been lit. Nathaniel's gaze did not waver as he witnessed the roiling changes of emotion course over Namid's physique. The admittance got him what he wanted; anger. That she stopped there and could not see the rest of the story, what Nate was not explicitly saying, was actually comforting to the wolf. If he strove to explain himself, he risked extinguishing that rage. It was better this way, for everyone but himself, and that was all that mattered.

So he remained silent and still, pale green eyes steeled as she retorted with righteous acussation. That's why, his mind whispered after her words. Thats why I have to leave, now, like this. He couldnt risk the harm it would do to both Namid and her image, but more than anything he would not take from the children their father, could not shatter their family as he wanted to. For once, he cared too much about someone other than himself.

And anyways, all the appeal was in that she was something he could not have. Wasnt it? He had to convince himself of that, regardless of whether it was the truth or not. He couldn't truly love Namid Vuesain, because that would hurt far too much to walk away from.

She threw herself into him, and he could only let the force pass through him. His paws shuffled backwards, but little else was done in the way of defense. Instead, he let her finish, and when it was done, he simply nodded, and turned onto his paws, not shamefully or reproachfully but as though an understanding had been reached, regardless that it had really all just been another dodge from the truth.

tell me it's over i'll still love you the same

(This post was last modified: Oct 11, 2016, 05:30 AM by Nathaniel.)

She watched him through her slitted gaze, taking in his movements trying to decipher what he was going to do, what he was thinking. Her brows creased as the man simply nodded, as if he had gotten what he had wanted. No...not what he wanted. If he had gotten what he’d wanted he would have looked more pleased, more gratifying to himself. No, his expression was all to blank, all too empty. She had missed something, something important and she knew that if she let it go it would bother her for much longer. The woman thought quickly, mind rushing to try and come up with anything to say to get him to reveal to her what he was really thinking.

“You know...I did love you,” she said with a frown. It was a mean thing to do, she knew it. Inside she was hitting herself, but she had to wait, had to see the reaction that it would get from him because even if they weren’t inseparable she had gotten a much better feel of who Nathaniel Coldheart truly was. He was closed off, he was a contraction to himself, he was an actor...but he was a good man, and he was hurt. If there was anything she knew, it was that you couldn’t help who you fell in love with. She couldn’t help that she had fallen in love with@Vespertio while looking for @Rook , and she couldn’t help that a part of her would always love Rook. Her own forbidden love. If he wanted to leave, fine. But he couldn’t harbor his feelings deep inside like he had for Anthem’s death.

just realized i totally missed the part where namid pushed nate earlier, i am so sorry ;o; i tweaked my previous post to reflect it now

call me a sinner, call me a saint

He thought for sure that it was over then and there. If it wasn't, at the most he expected further insult to be hurled his way, more anger and more disgust. A verbally violent goodbye that was all that he deserved. As it would be, Namid Vuesain pulled at the last fleeting rope she could see, and oh did it tear him.

Nathaniel's steps ceased, and for a moment he was completely still, before his dark skull turned to peer at her with pale eyes. His hesitation was caused by disbelief, but not necessarily because he thought she was lying to him. It was difficult to comprehend that she would make such a statement at this precise moment, that she was so fucking determined to throw him off course. He'd thought the bridge burned to the ground, but obviously there was still a charred, usable skeleton of it left and for some reason she insisted on standing upon it.

Why? What on earth did she want from him?

Slowly, he turned to face her once more. If she wanted to keep digging, especially if she truly thought he was a creature she could love, then he would give her far more than she could chew.

"You've never known me. This isn't my first gambit, and you're certainly not my first fool. I've torn packs apart from the inside out. I've corrupted wives and then left them to the mercy of their wrathful husbands. Just this Spring, I sired a litter behind yours and Vespertio's backs, and they'll never see me. That's what I do, that's all I do and there is nothing more to me."

tell me it's over i'll still love you the same