Fallen Tree Cove moonlight kissed

For @Kajika and everyone. Lunette has been away, with his permission.

She wasn't sure what was wrong with her, but she was sure it was something—the same thing which had plagued her all summer, a fire in her bones, an ache in her heart. It hung heavy on her mind, urged her paws to move, urged her into motion, to flee, disappear; become smoke and drift towards the distant sky, never to be seen again. It was harsh and hot and thrumming just below her throat, a night-time roar in her ears, an itch she couldn't reach; restlessness so profound she drifted like tumbleweeds, and nothing, nothing, seemed to soothe it.

Things had changed, on the mountain. Ever since the lynx, it was like someone had brutally forced her eyes open, thrust every shadow, every fault and flaw, into them—where she had simply thought herself unlikable and a burden, she over-analyzed every single thing, somehow traced it all back to herself. She had traded fear for anger, for deep, visceral hatred, but directed at no one in particular.

Maybe, because it was easier to stay mad than to stay scared, a thin cover-up to mask the truth beneath.

Her sister had left without a word. Eidolon had turned up dead, her child missing. Desideria had died. Moonshadow had gone missing, then returned. Her mother had stepped down, then become a ghost; her father had stepped down. And through it all, Kajika had been there, and her heart had demanded she throw herself at him, press herself against him for safety, for comfort, for stability—and as with all things she wanted, she could not let herself have it. So, she had left, citing this reason or that reason, her soul burning and the fire spreading to her paws.

She had run. She had wanted to cut all ties, to just leave and never return, but that would be selfish. Her mother would worry. Her father would worry. And what if she came across them, later?

And then there was Kajika, whom she did not even want to leave.

It was early morning, but summer's heat lingered still. A few clouds hung upon the pale blue sky, rosy and peach sunlight filtering over the mountain's crest. The lake laid placid and smooth, familiar, yet also not, despite the fact that she had been gone merely a few weeks. It looked like it always had, peaceful and secluded, and yet she couldn't help feel like a stranger stumbling in on a family that was, probably, better off without her.

The silver shadow stood motionless, her brown eyes peering past the invisible border. She could still leave. She could turn away, disappear, just a stray memory of her scent blown past by a haunting wind.

The nights were getting colder yet the dark alpha still hadn't moved back into the communal den preferring his makeshift den. He stayed warm enough but it allowed him to rise as early as he wanted without disturbing the others. He'd always been an early riser sometimes before the sun. He'd left his den early and started his morning duties, checking the caches first and then starting the parols and refreshing the markers. He was diligent on this making sure they were strong and clear so there would be no question that there was a pack that claimed this forest.

As the sun rose higher in the sky it warmed the forest and any remnants of the cold disappeared until they were only a memory long forgotten replaced with the thoughts of what needed done. His patrol was slow, the dark man didn't want to miss anything that might be out of place just in case it was something that he needed to worry about. He did not want to be unaware of a threat that could cause harm to his family. It was one of his greatest worries after what had happened to Moonshadow, Des, and Eido. Kajika had to wonder if the cove would ever get a break. In the past year they had lost members, they had either died or left. The Alpha's stepping down and it left him wondering how much longer he might have a home.

He moved through each day as though nothing was wrong but inside his worries were great. They had only gotten worse since his godson was missing and Moonshadow with him. His mind had traveled to the youngest Vuesain more often than not in the past weeks, he wanted her at his side as she had been in the past. She was gone now from the cove with his permission and he missed her. She had given her reasons and not being able to keep her in the cove where he felt she was unhappy he'd let her go in hopes he would see her again. As the weeks had passed he worried about her too, was she okay? Would she come back? Like every other time he had pushed in with his life and went about his routine. The stability of it giving him a sort of comfort but knowing the state of the cove it didn't last long.

The breeze through the trees brought a familiar scent with it and a smile crossed his dark features. He immediately set off in the direction of the scent his duties forgotten for the time being. When he reached the border where she stood the cove alpha stepped out of the forest into view. Lunette had returned to the cove but he had to wonder for how long, that thought had to be pushed from his mind. The dark man moved toward her, “Hello Lunette. You don't know how good it is to see you,” he said as he came to stand in front of her brushing his muzzle against her cheek.

There were times he felt he was always saying hello to her and as always he worried that upon her return he would find out she didn't feel the same for him anymore. “Have you come to stay or is this a visit?” He asked gently as he stepped back to look her over and ensure she was okay. He hoped that she would answer with the former but was prepared to hear the latter if that was the case. Winter was coming and he hoped she would at least stay through it but would understand stand if she couldn't. He knew she had a lot to work through. “I've missed you,” he finally spoke meeting her gaze.

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I suppose, content warning for Kajika/Lunette.
Affection between a young part and someone significantly older.

She peered at the shadows, crisp with autumn and still touched by night's cold, and in her mind, she traveled the path up to the communal den. It was oh so familiar, every inch of it, but the den itself was not—the past half year she had rarely slept in it, and even now, it felt like it was full of strangers. Or, rather, that she would be the stranger among them, a cold, unknown creature. A bit of metal and glass among feathers.

Sometimes, she second guessed herself. Did she even want a family? A pack? The way her mind kept working at it, it was like she just wanted to run, far way, and die in isolation; there was no middle ground, but more importantly, there was no life she saw for herself. So why did she linger..? If she died, she would not have to face them again. She would not have to live with the shame of having abandoned them. She would never have to explain herself.

But her reason stepped from the shadows, a piece of night manifesting in the morning air. When he came into the light, it touched the edges of his fur, lit them up with copper and red and raven blue, and she did not know what to do with herself. Run? Boy, it was tempting, to turn tail and run, away from her heart picking up its pace and the sudden rush of emotion she could not place. She wanted to be near him, yet dared not touch him; she wanted him to be happy, to be ..safe, and if it wasn't for the memory of them upon that rock, she would likely have believed herself incapable of ever bringing him joy, and in the same vein, she hated herself for having left. For having worried him, because while she did not believe herself worthy of worrying about, she knew that he would anyway.

"I..." she kind of said, kind of breathed, before his greeting washed over her and she closed her eyes. Drank in the sound of his voice. His muzzle touched her cheek. It was so different from the days in which she had been a child, and yet the same—a familiar comfort, but one she leaned into now. "Kajika," she murmured.

When he stepped back, she stepped forward, barely noticing the way she drifted after him—but she caught herself, her ears folded back, and she looked aside. Was she here to stay? Everything in her screamed run, as if this was her last chance, or the Lake would swallow her whole and never wash her up on shore again. She swallowed. She didn't care about the Lake. She didn't care about the scenery. She didn't care about the Cove, either. She cared about her family, but as long as they could support themselves, they didn't need her and she could fade to memory.

But she cared about Kajika. Even as a child she had adored him, resigned herself to the fate of knowing there would always be other, better wolves he would love, yet telling herself to simply stand at the sidelines and watch him be happy would be enough—for wasn't that what it was about? His happiness, not hers?

She looked back at him, met his gaze. She had never drowned in his eyes, only in his fur. She was, actually, hungry and sore from her travels. She was tired and worn. She was confused and, in some ways, desperate. “I've missed you,” he said, and something in her answered with fuck it and before she gave herself a chance to stop this madness, she had closed the gap between them again, pressed her neck against his chest, her cheek against his shoulder. "I should never have left," she whispered into the folds of his fur, hoping he would understand that she meant him, and not the pack.

(This post was last modified: Nov 14, 2017, 06:44 PM by Lunette.)

The leaves in the forest around him were already starting to change and fall from the trees leaving the forest floor painted on reds, oranges, and yellows. Despite autumn meaning they were that much closer to winter and rough times the dark alpha did like the time of year. It was peaceful and there was a certain scent in the air but mostly enjoyed his patrols a little more in the fall. It in no way took his mind off the things that bothered him and often gave him too much time to dwell. It was the wolves missing from their ranks that kept his mind busy these days and the question if it they would return before winter was fully upon them.

He hoped that if they didn't they were safe wherever they were. Most of all he hoped that Moonshadow found Chan and brought him back and as much as he wanted to be out there looking for his godson he knew he was needed in the cove.

For the most part his patrol that morning had been uneventful, he'd refreshed the markers and checked for signs of Intruders. It was these kinds of patrols that set his mind at ease that the pack was safe and would remain that way. However, a surprise was waiting for him at one of their borders. Lunette had returned causing his heart to jump a little in his chest. He hoped that she had come to stay but he was glad to see her safe though a little worse for wear. It wasn't anything a few days of good meals and rest wouldn't fix. He didn't hesitate to greet her. He didn't let the question of her intentions hang in the air either.whatever her decision he would support it just as he had her leaving the cove.

In the time that she'd been gone he'd missed her a great deal but he kept telling himself it was what she needed to do. He couldn't tell her not to go when the previous spring he'd left for his own reasons and left her behind. He understood the need to get away for awhile whether he wanted her to go or not. He had to let her do what made her happy and as he greeted her he wondered if she had found what would bring her peace. That was all the dark man wanted for her, to find peace inside herself so she could live and be happy. It had been so long since he'd heard her voice it his name slip from her lips. It only made him want to pull her against him and hold her there.

He stepped back to hear her answer as to whether she was staying or leaving again. As much as he missed her and wanted her by his side he couldn't keep her where she was unhappy. He cared too much about her to force her into a life that he knew would slowly kill her, she had to make that choice herself. It was the same when he first came to the cove, he'd been unhappy with his birth pack and fill of conflict. He knew living that life would be the end of him if he didn't go so he made the choice. Now he was alpha and he had Lunette and he had realized months ago that she made him happy.

There were times when he question the reason Des had died. She'd come back after he'd already developed feelings for Lunette but he needed the closure that her death gave him. Now he could move on with his life and not have lingering questions that kept him stuck in the past. He could move in with Lunette if that was what she wanted.

After he told the young Vuesain he missed her she closed the distance between them pressing herself against his shoulder and chest. The words she spoke brought a small smile to his face. “I won't disagree but I wasn't going to stop you. I think you needed the time away and I hope you found what you left for?” He felt that her words meant she was planning to stay but he couldn't help but be curious of what she had discovered.

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Shallow water has trapped several fish in a small pond. Hunt Opportunity

To disappear in those black folds—her mind and heart swam in an inky river, carried away by a tide she couldn't name. It was like she had left, but come back a stranger to herself; an unknown creature with something smoldering in her chest, but it was more than just the fury she'd carried with her when she'd gone. It was scorching and frustrating and frightening, but something of it quietened when she pressed herself against him.

He was the eye of the storm.

Part of her wanted him to have stopped her, to tell her it was meaningless, pointless—that she wasn't running from anything but herself, and she couldn't outpace that demon, but he hadn't. No, he had been Kajika: too kind, too understanding, too Kajika. She felt herself freeze at the question, a breath of winter cooling off her processes and threatening to herd her back into the corner she usually lurked in.

"No," she replied, caught between defeat and frustration. God, couldn't anything ever be easy? Couldn't she just be—normal? Her head lowered, and her gaze drifted to the cold ground. "I.. it's just, not possible," she finished, quietly. There were things on the tip of her tongue, things she wanted to say, but could not, for they were absurd and preposterous and surely he would—well, not laugh, because it was Kajika, but.. gently tell her she was an idiot, or something.

Because she was. Oh, she was.

He'd learned through their friendship that Lunette wasn't an easy wolf to get close to. She moved through life in her own path and not one set by others. He let her, if she felt she needed to leave the cove he would let her if he thought it would be good for her. This last time he had fully thought that it would be good for her to get away where she seemed to have the most trouble. Now she was back and he couldn't get sure what she would do next or if she'd found what she'd left for.

She pressed herself into the fur if his chest and he held her as he always had. He was there for her if she needed to talk it if she wanted to ask to leave again. He hoped she would stay, it bothered him knowing that she was out there in her own facing who knew what. The last thing he wanted was for her to end up like Moonshadow or Des.

His ear flicked at her answer to his question, she hadn't found what she'd left for. This was somewhat disappointing for him and it seemed for her too. He felt her head lower before she spoke again and this time his brow furrowed. “What's not possible Lunette? Maybe I can help?” He didn't understand what had her so defeated. The alpha licked her crown hoping to comfort her somehow, “Will you let me help you?” He asked almost in a whisper.

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One of the worst things about talking to Kajika was that she sometimes said things she didn't intend to say. He made the words slip past her careful guards, unfiltered, raw; things she, perhaps, had no interest in elaborating on, or repeating. Things she did not know quite what she meant by, for either she turned away from the knowledge, or could explain in many different ways. She caught her lower lip between her teeth, and bit it for a moment. She hadn't really meant to say something as unclear as it's just not possible, but there she was, and there he was, asking about it.

He kissed the top of her head. “Will you let me help you?” he asked—breathed—against her, and it sent something racing down her spine. Ears back, she ducked out from under his head and took a few steps away, trying to calm whatever it was that had been sent howling through her soul again.

It was wild and violent and vicious, and it made her want to scream, or tear her own face off, or his, or .. she threw a glance at the sky, and drew a deep breath.

You've done it now.

The hair along her neck rose in spiky clumps, then settled, and her 'brows drew together in a furrow. And how, Lunette, do you explain what the hell that was? The strange frustration still ran rampant underneath her skin, her lips peeling back for a moment, and she made to snap for the sky, as if she could somehow swallow the rising sun and cast it all into shadow. Disappear like a ghost, steal his memories of her, and never return.

But she couldn't, and her teeth closed with an audible click on nothing but air.

Part of her wanted to stammer, to stutter an apology, say something about not knowing what got over her, evade until the end of days—the other part, the wildfire, wanted to take it out on him, on the world, relentless and merciless. In the end, she could do neither, for the fire was too strong to go out, yet she was too rational to blame it on him.

"I went looking for some kind of—answer," she suddenly said, her back still turned, voice brusque. "To what question? I don't know. I'm just so restless and keyed-up and, nothing makes it better. Staying here didn't work. Leaving didn't work." A low growl twisted among her words, a stiffness to the set of her shoulders.

He couldn't help but ask what wasn't possible do that he could maybe better understand what was going on with her. More and more Lunette told him the things that were on her mind but there were still things that she kept to herself. It didn't bother him that she did but for the times that she did divulge snippets to him he liked to try and help her to figure things out. He'd never come right out and asked if she would let him help her until that moment hoping she would allow him in just a little more so maybe talking it out could help her.

When she slipped out from under his chin and stepped away from him he worried he'd said something wrong. As he watched her he could see that something bothered her but he didn't know what. It was times like these he chose to wait.

She would either let him help her or she wouldn't and he wouldn't push her to tell him anything she didn't want to. He waited to find out if she wanted his help or if she didn't. That was up to her though but she did know he was there to talk to and support her however he could.

She'd been gone for some time and he couldn't help but wonder what exactly it was that she was looking for. Lunette had always been a puzzle to the man and even more so as she had gotten older. Slowly the pieces had started fitting together but there was still so much that he didn't know about her. His ears pinned forward at the click of her teeth as he wondered what she was thinking.

He soon found out what she was thinking because she spoke explaining to him what she meant. How she was feeling and what hadn't worked to help her figure out the answer she was looking for. He rose to his feet and went to stand beside her, “This may be obvious but I think before you can find what works, staying or going, you need to figure out the question,” he offered. How could she find the answer if she didn't know the question.

For the first time in his life Kajika felt like he wasn't helping much, that the words he gave her weren't helping her to figure out why she was so restless and why she couldn't find anything to make it better. “Did you feel this way before Namid left?” He asked wondering if she'd started feeling this way because she missed her mother or the other members of her family.

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Guilt. Hot flashes, like whiplashes; flashbacks. A monument of all her shortcomings and all her failures, like a shadow looming across her, and impossibly far ahead—something she couldn't outpace. Something she could never get out from underneath, and into the sun. Always, always the guilt, the knowledge of every wrong she had ever done. How it all added up to a truth she didn't know how to fight anymore: you are worthless, and it's all your fault. She felt like she'd been running from it even before she'd known it.

Sometimes, she wondered why, but most of the time, it was lost in a howling storm, a rush of panic, or just the deep certainty that she didn't deserve this, and this being everything possibly good in her past, present, and future. She wanted to run, until her legs were nothing but blood and bones, until she found some place where something was finally bigger and better than her and killed her, but Kajika made it hard.

Kajika, and loyalty, and in some backwards way, that self-deprecating voice. You're not good enough to die. You don't deserve death. That which brought her low also kept her alive.

After a moment, the black male rose and joined her; without thinking about it, she leaned slightly into him, the pressure of her shoulder against his slight, but comforting. She had missed him, desperately, in the time she had been away—she should've missed her sister, her father, her mother.. not him, but it was a truth she couldn't deny: though she had missed her family, she missed him more.

“This may be obvious but I think before you can find what works, staying or going, you need to figure out the question,” he said and she made some noise, a strangled sort of snort, as if she'd been about to say something scathing only to remember that it was Kajika. It killed her to hurt anyone, but hurting him would.. she didn't even want to fathom it. But then he said something else, something more, and her silver head canted towards his, eyes intense, as she answered,

"Always."