Vigils Keep when your heads in the clouds [M]

Ellery's birth. Rated M for graphic depictions of childbirth & stillborns. Takes place immediately after the claiming thread for Vigils Keep, 5/24.
@Elias @Adeltra

Nineva had never known pain like this. She had thought to take refuge amongst one of the many twisting ravines in the forest, but by the time the newly-assembled pack had dispersed to their given roles and offered her privacy, it was too late. Her contractions were too close together, and she could already feel one of the pups making its way out of her, and damned near tearing her open along the way.

She lay against the loose stones of the shore, trying to take comfort in their sun-given warmth. Her clawed paws grappled with the ground, and her fangs gritted as she fought back the immense need to whine and whimper. It would be worth it, she knew that in the back of her mind, and yet so much felt wrong. Her vulnerability, out in the wide open instead of protected beneath the ground within a den, was steadily working to shred her nerves. The pain, the immobility, all served to make her feel weak, a thing which was specifically horrific to the Hervok. Worst of all, however, was how still the being traveling through her cervix was.

Shouldn't it be moving? Had she pushed herself too far, kept them inside of herself for too long? Were they... ?

(This post was last modified: Jun 15, 2018, 11:30 PM by Nineva.)

More than ever Elias remained by Nineva's side. Unwavering and steadfast, traits he never realised he had. He knew that instincts were powerful, made wolves act out of sorts, do silly things at a certain time of year....But this felt right, till the day she cast him aside he would remain with her. Forever and always.

Once the deed had been done, the lake shore claimed as their own it, seemed as though Nineva had another matter to attend to. One that couldn't be pushed aside any longer. Nineva slipped away, wordlessly and with haste, so of course the Father-to-be followed suit, limping after her as fast as his bird-paws would allow.

He found her splayed out on the pebbled shore, out in the open, vulnerable. The thought made his heart clench as he hurried over- it was time. And still, Elias had no clue what he was supposed to do, if anything.

"Nin-" Heck, he had no words to offer her. She was hurting, straining, he would have done anything to take it all away, to absorb her pain and deal with it in his own, whimpy little way.

But this place...It wouldn't do and yet he didn't dare move her. Not yet at least.

"It's all right. I'm here, what do you need? How can I help?"He asked, as he gently pressed his nose to her neck, softly, reassuringly. It's all he wanted, to help her through this, to be a pillar of support for the already unshakably strong woman.

Several coyote abandoned a half-eaten deer. But before you can take a bite they reappear.

Elias' voice sounded much more distant than it actually was. There was so much going on within herself, roaring and screaming and howling at her, that it was difficult to take in everything occurring outside of her body. This would have heightened her panic, had she not still known him to be right there at her side. Protecting her. As much as he had stayed by her side before this, she knew that he could be trusted to see her through this.

But would their children make it?

Her spine arched as she struggled to push. Her bones felt stretched and uncertain, while her muscles felt contorted and lacking. It was the adrenaline that raced through her system, the worry dominating her mind that amplified everything else and made the birthing so horrid. When Elias touched her, she snarled, the sound strangled but powerful still. It was a reaction, and reason was quick to return to her; for the first time, she whimpered. An apology. It was unlikely to be the last time she lashed out during this, but none of it was personal, only instinct. Nineva hoped he understood, but that small whine had been the only assurance she could spare him at the moment.

Moments passed just the same, until something finally gave. It was out. Nineva twisted frantically, listening to the thrum within her brain that demanded she nip and lick, freeing her child and his air passages. No matter how attentive her cleaning, however, its exceptionally small, frail body did not move. She would have panicked further, had the next contraction hit her, far too soon and hard. Another was already coming.

Two more were birthed into the world in relatively quick succession for a wolf. All three were undersized and limp, no matter how hard their mother strived to wake them. Thoughts that were impossible to grasp onto ricocheted around her mind. What had it been? Genetics? Stress? The move? @Danica? Perhaps superstitions were true, and the Hervok line was simply cursed.

Then came the last. She could feel the difference as the pup moved through her and escaped into the world, knew that this would be the survivor even before she turned to free and clean and coddle the child. The only daughter, she had come out a dark brown rather than the deep black of her siblings, kicking and mewling and graciously plump. Her existence worked magic upon her mother, calming the grayscale woman almost completely. Contractions still caused her pain and she was sore all over, nerves completely frayed, yet there was nothing but love in her eyes and her movements as she cradled the babe against her side.

All of it had been worth this.

(This post was last modified: May 24, 2018, 09:58 PM by Nineva.)

Elias flinched, hard, when she snarled at him.

He'd been snapped at before, it was no biggie, but this? It was different, it was deep and resounding- not in sound but in meaning. Nineva didn't want his touch- didn't want him. He swallowed the hurt as he took a step back, only to surge forward at the apologetic whimper that followed. No no, it was okay. She didn't have to apologise. He would forgive and forget, if that's what she needed. He would have sought to bring her the moon and stars if she asked. But instead, she struggled and suffered as she brought the little lives into the world. Their children, all four of them.

Wrongness soon settled upon them, heavy and choking like smoke. It filled Elias' lungs as he took a tentative sniff, then another, as though he couldn't-wouldn't- believe his senses. This wasn't....it wasn't supposed to be like this. Nineva's attention snapped to the palest of the lot, it was almost as if she didn't notice the darker little ones... The ones that weren't moving. But Elias saw them, recognised them for what they were. Dead, before they had even had a chance to live.

His sides began to heave as he bowed down to nudge at them, as Nin had before. He couldn't contain the tears that spilled over the corners of his eyes. It wasn't just a case of the sniffles, a couple of picturesque tears to mark the loss of his sons. No, Elias wasn't upset, he was distraught. At a complete and utter loss.

One survived, it hadn't all been for nothing, but his mind was a scrambled mess. Lost and confused, he dropped to his stomach before his boys, sobbing as though he wasn't at all familiar with this feeling. See, that was the problem. It made it hurt all the more, made the pain feel so much more prominent, sharp, in it's familiarity. Elias had already lost so much and yet the world still seemed determined to take and take till he had nothing else. Till he was a glassy eyed husk with not even a single tear left to shed.

He ought to have thought of Nineva, of their sole survivor, but in that moment he needed...Well, a moment. Time to cry and get all snotty, just to let it all out. For once.

Once again, the rest of the world might as well have not existed for all the attention Nineva paid it. Against her sweat-matted stomach, blindly suckling, was absolute perfection. The mother could only marvel at how gorgeous her thick fur was, curly just at the ends, her chubby limbs that she knew would one day stand tall and strong, the wriggly face that would grow into beauty and wisdom. Nineva loved her, with every single atom of her being. This was the entire universe tucked at her side, tiny and vulnerable and her's.

With time, however, Elias' crying was able to make it through this state of wonder and into Nineva's awareness. Her grey eye took him in, and then the children that didn't make it. Three sons. The pain that she had felt birthing them was gone; she was not immune to the loss, but she understood that in some way, their deaths had ensured their sister's survival. Would that Nineva had them all, but to have only her daughter was enough.

Her tired legs pushed, paws shaking against the stones beneath them as Nineva strived to move. She pulled herself closer to him, close enough to reach out with her muzzle and touch his tear-soaked cheek.

"They're stars now. Stars don't need us. The living do. Come see your daughter."

Elias already felt like a bad Father. Before he'd even had a chance he'd already failed them- failed Nin. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to have done better, he'd given all he had and more, but apparently it just wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. Nineva had chosen him because he was strong, healthy, but he couldn't help but feel as though she picked wrong. These puppies deserved a better man to call their Father. But it was too late for that, wasn't it?

His ears twitched at the sound of shuffling, he raised his head and pawed at his eyes, trying to get rid of the tears that wouldn't stop falling. No matter how many times he told himself to man up he just couldn't, he just wasn't that sort. He sniffed as he nodded along to her words, grasped onto them for dear life. They were in a better place, and at the very least they hadn't suffered, right? It was just like...never waking up from a deep sleep. That didn't make him feel better, not really. But maybe...they were in heaven like the other's, they weren't Selwyns but he liked to think they'd be welcome, that the angels would grant him just this one kindness.

"I-I know, I'm juu-just s-so s-sorry".Pathetic is what he was.

He shuffled closer, dragging his belly along the floor and then he saw her, small and wriggly but alive. Love at first site always seemed too good to be true, a silly fairy tail that would only end in heartbreak. But when he laid his eyes upon her Elias felt it, unconditional love. Even through all the heartbreak, all the tears he couldn't help but feel a little hopeful. She was perfect, their little bean.

"She's...He didn't have words. "Thank you, Nin."

When he came closer, so that she didn't have to strain so much to touch him, she began to clean his face from the wet and the salt that his tears had left. Even as he calmed, admiring their daughter, she continued to groom him tenderly. It was the least bit of kindness she could give him in return for what he had gifted her with; this perfect child.

After, when they were certain that this one was safe and sound, the others could be buried, even named if Elias was so inclined. She would not want to know that part, but if it helped him, so be it.

"Would you like to know her name?" she asked after ensuring that his handsome dial was once again impeccable. She'd had plenty of ideas while they had traveled, but the pieces hadn't fallen into place until Nineva had finally seen her.

"Ellery, that she might have her father's strength. Prudence, to temper and guide her. Hervok, so she may always know what she stands for."

Elias leaned into her touch. She didn't have to do this, she was no doubt hurting herself and yet...she was so good. She cared. Elias swallowed thickly as he nodded in response to her question. As teary as he was he did want to know her name, did want to relish in the knowledge that it hadn't all been for nothing. One little one survived and she was beautiful. She no doubt inherited that from her mother but he couldn't help but wonder if she would turn out all blond like him. Not quite as reddy, perhaps but it would be nice to have a reminder, everyday, that she was his

Ellery Prudence Hervok.

Royal and dignified, but more than that- perfect. He sniffed, not at all bothered that his daughter hadn't inherited his name. Not that it was even his to give, really. He strode around, wearing the Selwyn name like a badge of honour but it was all a pretence. He was no real Selwyn, no matter how much he pretended to be otherwise. Hervok though...if the name didn't carry much weight these days Elias knew that Nineva would be quick to turn that around. If anyone could do it she could, he had faith in her.

"It's...it really means a lot to me, Nin." His tears threatened to return, but this time they weren't quite of sadness. His feelings of loss, regret, still remained but above that he was happy, grateful and more than a little flustered.

"We really ought to get you somewhere safe." He glanced about, worry drawing his brows together. No matter their kind intentions Elias didn't anyone snooping. Not yet.

His gaze flicked to the side, where Nin had abandoned the still ones and of course his lip quivered again. In all honesty, he didn't want to look at them but that thought felt cruel, foul, as he tumbled it about in his mind. They deserved so much more than being left, abandoned on the rocks, nameless and unwanted. He would have gladly given his life in exchange for theirs and yet it was too late, there was nothing he could do.

She smiled kindly at him, knowing exactly what it meant to him without him saying anything. Nineva knew there and then that she had wholly made the right decision in choosing Elias, in choosing a wolf she knew and who would be present in her child's life. It was worth the risk of heartbreak to have this, even if they ended up only being stories she one day told her daughter; to have someone who loved the small cub as much as she did.

"Judas and Neha have probably found the dens by now," she offered, testing her legs. As much as her instincts were telling her to stay down and rest, they were also still begging her to find shelter and hide Ellery away from the world. She focused on lifting up, not just to crawl but to stand, and her daughter mewled in protest. It was nearly enough to bring her right back down to the earth again, the desire to give the child whatever she wanted, but Elias was right.

The moment she felt stable her jaws reached for Ellery, but she stopped when she saw the look on Elias' face as he once again looked upon the boys' dead bodies.

"You can come back for them," she told him, trying to ease the emotions he was feeling, "we just need to get Ellery to safety and then you can take care of them."

Bury them, pray for them, cry over them; whatever he needed to do. She scooped up Ellery and moved, slowly and aching but with the determination that had always marked her personality, toward the shelter of the forest.