Sanguine Cove What's going on in my head?

Siyet struggles with new emotions. AW but preferably @Jethro

It had been some time since her encounter with him at the lake side watching the Northern Lights. She had a while to stew on all that had happened. She felt..strange. She felt happy, but also very nervous and anxious.

Just the though of him made her heart race. She hadn't felt this way before. She was almost.. afraid? She had been lost without anyone around, and nowhere to go. But he had shown up and basically rescued her and introduced her to a new family. She felt so happy that this had happened and was so thankful for what he had done.

She paced around the waters edge trying to figure out what to do. She looked down at her reflection for a moment, trying to clear her head. She said his name, and the emotions ran wild through her.

With the weather taking a turn for the worst, two members of the Cove missing - including his dearly missed friend Nori - the threat of a cougar and a stampede all plaguing the pack.. things had been chaotic. Jethro hadn’t afforded himself much time to stop and rest, throwing himself at his duties with almost reckless abandon. Patrols, checking on caches - as memories of that coyote situation with Moonshadow, in addition to the cougar came to mind.

Additionally, a part of him felt bad about not being on the team to go track it down. He felt like it should’ve been him, there, risking his safety. Not.. the others, that were actual close friends and blood family. They all were capable enough, but if anything bad happened, he’d have preferred it to be to himself, not any of them. Alas, it seemed, some had needed to stay behind to defend the pack.

Setting a quick pace, Jet broke from his patrolling duties only long enough to venture toward the lake for a drink. He didn’t bother to try to disguise his presence, paws crunching loudly atop the freshly fallen snow as he navigated through evergreen trees to reach the lake. A quick scan in each direction upon reaching the shoreline revealed he may not have been the only one there to drink.

Though she was not far away, her light form was more difficult to pick out against a snowy backdrop than it would’ve been otherwise. Curiously though, she seemed to be looking down at the water, almost as if lost in thought. ”Siyet! How ya doin’?” He called out, trotting through the snow toward the other. There was probably nothing to worry about, but Jet intended to at least briefly check up on his friend.

As she was looking down at the water she heard his voice. The same she was thinking about. She got really nervous and wasn't sure what to do. She thought what she should say, how she should act. She was a mess and she hoped that he wouldn't be able to tell.

"Oh! H...hey Jethro!" She could feel her cheeks getting warm. If they weren't covered in fur she was sure that they would be bright red. "I am doing uh...good. Yeah good!" she let out a nervous chuckle. "Uhm, how about you?"

As he trotted over she couldn't help but notice his features. His dark fur, his face, his eyes. She thought that he was a very handsome man. He had features that showed experience, and that he had been through a lot. He was...to say the least, the darkness to her light. She got nervous again and looked away shyly.

It appeared he migh’ve caught his friend by surprise. He hoped she hadn’t been too deep in thought, or seeking a private moment to herself, or something. There was an odd sort of.. uncertainty to her tone. Or at least, Jethro was fairly sure it was that. It was abnormal, to say the least. But, Siyet said she was fine, and by all available evidence that he could see, she seemed to be. Which made sense, because she was probably quite accustomed to this cold.

She asked how he was doing, moving forth to close the distance between them. Jet frowned a little as he answered the question. ”Busy, but alright. I’m worried.. though, ‘bout our pack, and everyone that’s missing. Doesn’t make sense that a mother would leave her pups, or that Nori would leave her family.” And me, he thought, although he was probably deserving of such desertion. That didn’t make the pain of losing his first friend though, any easier. He was here because of her, and now she was gone.

Stuck in his own thoughts, it took a moment for him to realize that Siyet’s attention was focused elsewhere, so curiously, Jet turned to look in the direction she’d faced. There was nothing, in particular, that he could see, but perhaps he had missed it. With a loose shrug to himself, the dark one turned to look back at the other. ”Glad yer doin’ well though. Think we’re gonna need everyone left to get through this winter. Although, I guess you’re used to this sort of weather, yeah?”

Siyet was listening to his words and was almost sort of entranced by them. She lets the words flow from his mouth. She tried to focus on what he was saying. He had mentioned Nori. He sees to had been saddened by her leaving. That made her think. Maybe.. even though he had originally told her no, maybe there was something between them. This thought kind of made her sad. "Yeah it's a shame that people would just leave like that. Unless they had a good reason." . Jethro had caught that she looked away from him and looked where she was looking. There was nothing there obviously. But she tried to act as if there was.

He mentioned how he was glad she was okay and how the hard winter would make things tough. She was accustomed to the cold like he said, but in particularly cold conditions the people of her original pack would be close to their den mates for warmth. Or they would be with the pups if they didn't have a den mate. She pondered this idea for a moment. "Y..yeah the cold is something I'm okay with. But...it's a shame I don't have a den mate to share the warmth with when it's really cold. I..I'm sure that if we can find her.....you will be nice and warm with Nori..." She kind of let that trail off, trying to judge his reaction.

Siyet thought that it was a shame that their packmates had left, which Jethro could agree with, sort of. The last part though, prompted a bit of a frown on his part. For the life of him, he could not comprehend what a good reason for either of the two would be. ”That’s.. the thing. Can’t think of a reason why either of ‘em would just disappear, except for somethin’ bad happening.” It was a line of thought he hadn’t really allowed himself to consider that far. But as more time passed, the more worrisome their disappearances were. The last thing he wanted, was for someone to find them as.. a frozen corpse, or something.

Jethro preferred to think of other things. He focused on the words his friend spoke next, grateful for the distraction provided. At first Siyet said she was accustomed to the cold, which sounded right. However, as she continued, talking about den mates, warmth sharing, and him being nice and warm with Nori, he could not help the incredibly confused expression that crossed his countenance. He bit back a frown while processing the words. But then something occurred to him. Something she’d said, on that day that was.. months ago now, when they’d watched those lights together. With that context, the comments made a little more sense.

”Even if we did find her, if anything, she’d uh.. probably prefer to den with her family. Neither of us were.. really into that, when we were traveling together. I prefer to sleep alone, anyway. Always have.” Hopefully, that would clear things up. He cared about Nori, but not.. like that.

Shuffling his paws uncomfortably, the dark one forced himself to maintain eye contact with his friend. ”I’d.. prefer not to make a habit of it, but if it gets really cold, I could.. share warmth with ya. If you don’t find someone else first.” There were a few others in the pack that might be better options, he thought. But as a friend, he’d promised Siyet he’d be there for anything she needed. If that included these kinds of awkward things.. Jethro supposed he could deal with it.

Siyet couldn't help herself, a big smile showed on her face. She thought of them together in a den, in the warmth while it was snowing hard outside, and she relished in this thought.
She spoke but her words came through very nervously.

" I would very much like that yes." she looked down and shuffles her feet anxiously.

" I just feel..very attached to you. Someone I could see myself spending a lot of time getting to know and..the thought of it makes me happy."

She realized she said that out loud and shyly chuckled and looked away.

His friend smiled at him, with the last suggestion made. A generous smile, at that. Clearly, unlike himself, Siyet had absolutely no qualms about sharing sleeping quarters with anyone. Quite to the contrary, in fact, she seemed incredibly excited about it, something that his friend confirmed verbally too. That was not a sentiment Jethro could really comprehend, but perhaps it was.. just another one of those things others were used to, and he was not.

What came next though, concerned him, a little bit. The subject was already touchy enough, and now they were adding things like attachment, lots of time, knowing someone, and happiness. His friend was having a hard time maintaining eye contact, and Jet even noted the same shuffling of paws he’d been doing moments ago. This.. did not seem good.

”Attached… in what way?” He questioned carefully. Jet was not good at these things; emotions, or attachments. Did.. Siyet.. think of him as.. something more than a friend? Following this logic, so many of the comments and things made more sense, but that didn’t stop him from hoping like hell that he was wrong.

Jethro seemed to be confused by Siyet's comments and a little apprehensive about them. Siyet could see this pretty clearly. She wasn't sure how to react to him. But thought maybe it best to lay it out on the table.

"Jethro, ever since I met you I felt something. Deep down. I feel that you have been a beacon of light. You have helped me through quite a bit. And because of that, and well.." she paused for a moment to regain her thoughts, and sighed, " I also think you are an attractive guy I uhm..have feelings for you." She stirred, unsettled, she feared that he might reject her. All that she had laid out bare was now at risk.

This conversation had certainly gone past the very quick check on his friend he’d initially intended it to be. And now they were hitting on things that went far deeper than he’d expected, too. For a moment, Jethro reminisced on the days when he hadn’t given a shit about anyone else’s thoughts or feelings. But even this sort of uncomfortable conversation was better than that, he found. It was nice, to feel things, even of this nature.

And then his friend was speaking. Spilling out all of her thoughts, and he could respect her for that. There were some of those words again, too. Felt something, a beacon of light, helped a lot. All of those things he felt were incredibly untrue. He was not deserving of being looked upon that way. But the last two seemed to confirm what he’d thought, and were deeply troubling. Attractive, she said. And she had feelings for him.

At that, the dark one let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. If there was one bright spot to all of this, at least Siyet hadn’t used the dreaded L-word. Maybe there was still time to correct this. Taking in another breath, Jethro contemplated his response for a moment, but he pretty much knew how he felt, too. It was just a matter of explaining it.. correctly.

”You’ve been a good friend to me, and I care about you.. too, Siyet. Very much. But.. as a friend.” He paused there, tempted to look away, but forced himself not to. ”I can never - will never - be good enough to be more than that, for you, or Nori, or anyone else.” The words were spoken softly, but with an air of conclusiveness. To him, this was not debatable. He would never be good enough for anyone.

”I’m sorry, Siyet. I.. still want to be your friend. But, for anything more, you deserve.. so much better. And you’ll find it, I’m sure. Just, not in me.” At that, the dark one allowed his eyes to close for a moment, hoping beyond hope that he hadn’t hurt the other, and irreparably damaged the wonderful friendship they did have.

(This post was last modified: Dec 29, 2021, 02:16 AM by Jethro.)