Sanguine Cove Hang on to yourself

@AqueneBackdated to 7/27. This thread takes place the day after Oksana returns from FGC.

In the early hours of the morning Oksana had taken some time to herself. Only a week had passed since she'd lost the love of her life. She'd only just returned the day before from her trip to the Chasm. It was something she could have easily sent one of the other cove wolves to do but it hadn't felt right. Oksana felt that it was her duty to tell Woya that Aleister had died. It had been hard to say it all a second time but she'd gotten through it.

There had been plenty of time for her to think things through. How she would move on now that her husband was gone. Six days she'd spent away from her children though she knew they were in good paws she'd missed them terribly.

She'd slept curled up with them until the faint hints of morning had appeared. Slipping silently from the den she made her way to her husband's grave where she watched the sun come up. With a final word she started back toward the den to wake her children. She followed the path down through the forest.

It didn’t feel real… it didn’t feel like he could truly be gone. He had been the first person she had met in the Lore… he had been the father of her first child as well, and on top of that one of her dearest friends. She mourned, silently and in her own way. In many ways, she felt she was not allowed to mourn, not when she had failed him just as she had failed her mother. She had not been able to help him through the illness that had taken his life. It was her fault and she would need to live with that grief for the rest of her life.

All she could do now was attempt to pick up the pieces, tend to those she cared for most, and those he had cared for most, and try to help them through it. With that, came a rabbit clutched in her jaws as she headed towards the grave of her friend, finding Oksana there. She had known the woman had returned because she had crossed her scent while hunting, and wanted to check in on her. She saw her moving, a path through the forest as Aquene rushed to catch up to her. She moved in front of her, sitting down before placing a rabbit at the woman’s feet. “Eat, please.” She stated, her voice as soft as normal, no explanation.

Just as she had promised Oksana she would pick Aleister up in the face of grief over the loss of his love, she had promised Aleister the same thing where Oksana was concerned. “You’ve been on your paws and travelling all week… sit with me?”

Aquene Slayer

Oksana was looking forward to curling up in the den with her children. She had missed them all very much. She had to see Lee first. Since his death she often felt like she couldn't breath. Like her chest was so tight it couldn't expand to get a deep enough breath. Sometimes visiting him and talking to him helped to relieve some of the tightness she was feeling. She'd stayed at Aleister's grave for a little while to tell him about her journey. It had been the first time she'd really left the cove since she'd arrived there.

On her way back to the den she was surprised when Aquene appeared in her path. It brought her up short and surprise had crossed her features before a smile found its way across her maw. It soon registered the order that she'd been given. Her orange gaze went to the rabbit. "Thank you Aquene. You must share it with me," she returned. Oksana hadn't been eating much and she guessed that Aquene might not be either. This way they both would recieve rhe much needed nourishment.

The next words spoken by her friend was an offer for them to sit together. Her smile widened as she nodded. "I would like very much to sit with you. I've been wanting to check in with you all week." The truth was she'd wanted to talk with Aquene before she'd left but the urgency to get to the Chasm had been strong.

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She was grateful the woman did not fight her on the manner. Aquene was a healer, and she cared for all, especially her friend who was also family. The fact of the matter was, had Oksana pulled rank with her, there would have been nothing that she could have done about it one way or another. She hummed softly, offering a kind smile to the woman as she insisted she must eat as well. As if on cue, her own stomach rumbled traitorously to reveal that Oksana had been right in that regard.

She slipped in, taking a bite herself though she was slow to actually eat. It felt much like a chore, exhausting… and something she merely did for continued survival. She was almost certain that Nash was worried about her in that regard, even though she knew he was dealing with his own grief. They had all been so close-knit… and she worried about how her Love was coping with it just as she worried about the children, about Oksana, about the entire pack. It was in her nature to worry, and that had never changed.

“And I, you.” She admitted back softly when the woman admitted she had wanted to check in with her. “I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you, and to rush right into communicating with the other packs…” She needed rest, though Aquene would not say it aloud. She needed time to grieve just as the rest of them did. “If I can help lighten the load in any way, be it watching the children while you rest or eat or anything please do not hesitate to ask.”

Aquene Slayer

It felt like such a Ling time since she'd been home though it had inky been a week. So Aquene's iffer was a welcome in despite her not having much of an appetite. Since losing Lee she hadn't really thought much about food past needing to keep up her strength for her pups and the pack. They were what had kept her going so she held on to that.

A moment later she was settled down across from the Shaman with some of the rabbit in front of her. She was almost certain that Aquene hadn't been eating as she should either so in her eyes they both needed this food and this time together.

She'd taken a small bite when Aquene spoke. It seemed the Shaman had wanted to speak with her as well. Oksana offered the woman a smile after she swallowed her bite, "I've been worried about you," she admitted to the woman across from her. Oksana looked at her paws as Aquene voice her concerns. "It has been hard. I miss him so much that sometimes I don't know how I'll go on. I wanted to stay here with all of you and the children but I felt I had to be the one to tell Woya. Thank you for looking after my children while I was away. I hope they weren't too much trouble." She felt she had to explain herself amd why she'd been the one to go to the Chasm. Oksana swallowed the lump in her throat as Aquene offered to help, "Thank you I won't as long as you don't either if you need any kind of help. I want you to know that what happened to Aleister it wasn't your fault and I need you to know I don't blame you." She had to make sure Aquene knew that. It had been on her mind through her whole trip.

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Aquene was thankful that the woman was not putting up a fight. She recalled when she had lost her mother; others had tried to help but she had refused their advances. Her uncle had tried to soothe her worries, even give her work to bury herself in… and yet it had not worked. Instead she had left, fleeing… she had met Aleister, been brought to the Cove, had Kateri… she’d met her mate, had three more beautiful children… all that pain and mourning felt like it was a lifetime ago in the grand scheme of things.

She was proud of the woman for not doing as she had done, recognizing now how unhealthy it had been even if it had been a massive case of self-loathing and doubt. She scoffed, not in a way meant to offend but in a shocked manner. “Me? I’m fine.” She stated, though her words lacked the conviction she normally held when discussing her own opinion on things.

She closed her eyes, breathing in and out when the other woman admitted that it had been hard. She even thanked her, and Aquene’s eyes softened, her maw curving softly into a frown. “Of course… if our roles were reversed, I know you would do the same. We are family, and we look out for each other.” She murmured softly, shifting gently to offer her a gentle comforting nudge.

And then she picked on the one thing that Aquene had been tormented on since it had happened, shaking her head as she looked down at her paws. “I lost my mother the same way… I was tasked with her care as well. I feel as though I failed them both.” She should have been better; it was the first time she spoke about it aloud.

Aquene Slayer

Aleister wasn't the first loss that Oksana had suffered in her life. Only months before coming to the cove she'd lost her mother. The thing that she'd learned through all of was that it never got easier. You eventually would have to accept they were gone and then build a life without them in it without forgetting that they were once with you. She loved Aleister and it was one of the greatest losses she'd had but she knew in time the days would get better. While she wouldn't miss him any less she would be able to breath again.

Oksana was thankful for the friendship she had with Aquene. With the Shaman she didn't feel like she had to put up a brave front so when the food and a chance to talk was offered she gladly accepted. She knew when the woman answered that she wasn't okay. Instead of calling her out on it Oksana offered a sad smile. "We both need some time to heal," she said, "We have each other if it gets to be too much." She wasn't expecting her friend to say anything. She wasn't there to pull information out just let her know that she was there if needed.

Again the crow smiled, "We areband I would most certainly do the same. The only way for us to get through the loss of such and important part of us is together." Oksana felt that Aleister had touched so many making his loss that much more devastating. She returned the nudge that Aquene had offered hoping it would be a comfort to her too.

The crow was a little surprised when Aquene started to open up to her. She listened intently to the woman as she spoke. "I can understand why you feel that way Aquene and I wish I could change it for you. I can't imagine living with that guilt but I don't think you failed him. You did your best. I saw you everyday making sure he was well cared for. You can't blame yourself for what happened." She didn't know if her words would help or not but she wanted to be able to lift the guilt from Aquene's shoulders.

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Aquene could not imagine how she would hold it together or what she would do if she lost Nash… she could not place herself into Oksana’s paws. She could not relate; she did not know that pain. She knew the pain of losing a mother, and a mother’s love… but a mate was so much different… to lose her true love… yes, she had lost the father of her eldest daughter, and one of her closest friends, but Oksana had lost a soulmate, and all Aquene could figure was that it left a hole beyond repair… it would have for her.

She would be there as she could for her, ensuring that she ate and took care of herself, even if Aquene was hypocritical in that regard. “Time will heal all wounds.” She was just not sure how much time it would take… she recalled how the loss of her own mother had worn on her, and how it had affected her to her core… how it still did, even now… how Aleister’s death piled onto it. What if she died before she could heal from it?

She felt selfish for thinking of such things when the crow was clearly going through so much more. “Together.” She agreed with a soft smile, a hint of warmth that was there if only to sooth Oksana. She felt cold inside. Aquene herself started to feel guilty the moment she brought up her own loss, the thoughts in her own head. Surely the matriarch of the pack did not need to concern herself with such things? Aquene had just killed her mate; that was how she saw it, even if Oksana insisted otherwise.

She tried to even reason, and Aquene did not feel she deserved such a kindness. “I could not save him… even with all of my knowledge, the years upon years and constant studying, I could not treat him.” She had done much. She had treated Chan’s tail, treated them all after the cougar: Chan, Flair, Nash… how could she not have helped one of her oldest friends in the Lore?

Aquene Slayer

(This post was last modified: Nov 16, 2022, 01:30 AM by Aquene.)

There was so much of the crow that wanted to curl up in her den and just sleep for as long as she could. Oksana knew she couldn't do that. Not just because she was leader of the cove but it was these interactions that she needed. They helped her to remember she wasn't the only one that had lost someone so special. They also helped her to remember that there was still life worth living. Sometimes the sadness was overwhelming leaving the Baranski woman to wonder if she'd make it through to the next moment. She always did so she lived from koment to moment.

Oksana nodded at the sentiment that Aquene expressed. "That is true and sometimes I have to wonder how fair it is. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to heal from losing the ones we love." She remembered having moments when it hadn't felt right to feel happy again. It was hard for her to imagine that she would ever feel happy after losing her husband.

The most important thing that Oksana had to keep reminding herself was that she wasn't alone. That there were wolves who cared about her here and that they were all feeling the loss. They had to help each other and look after each other. It was important to the crow to ensure that Aquene was doing okay. Making sure she was eating and not falling into the sadness.

A dark paw was placed over her friend's as Aquene explained how she felt. "I understand and it must be hard to understand why your treatments didn't make him better." Oksana couldn't imagine the pain that that knowledge must be causing her friend. "I think under different circumstances your treatments would have helped him." It had been a really bad summer for them. Even though the lake hadn't completely dried up there were still many struggles the pack went through.

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It was the weight of expectations that Aquene wanted to remove from her; she deserved the right to break down and to grieve and hole herself away for the sake of grieving her mate… she deserved to be able to find herself holed away for a few days, so long as she took care of herself which Aquene would be dutiful in ensuring.

She could relate to that too; she felt guilty any time she realized that she had coped mostly with her mother’s death, feeling like she was forgetting her in the process. “In a way, we never really do… we heal, but there’s always a mark there, a scar on our hearts to remember them by, and the role they played in our lives.” She offered the woman, hoping the counsel was not unsolicited, and that she did find some peace and solace in it. “We’ll always remember them; we were shaped by their love.” She firmly believed that.

She felt that pain in her chest again, closing her eyes for a moment as she took a few breaths in and out. “It is… I don’t understand how he did not get better, how he got worse yet.” She explained with a frown on her features, once more feeling guilty for the sentiment when talking about how she had failed to protect and heal Oksana’s mate.

“If I had done better, he would still be here… it doesn’t matter the circumstances… I should have found a way. I have so much knowledge; I was trained by the best healers I have ever met, and yet still even then I failed… which means I didn’t learn enough.”

Aquene Slayer