Fallen Tree Cove Little China Doll

Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

Sometimes, she thought about that weight at the base of her throat, and the hammering in her head. Sometimes, she wondered why the thought of speaking about herself, about something personal, made her heart backflip, and then start going much too fast, until she felt physically sick. Most of the time, it made her tremble, too, and the only way to stop it was to decide to not say whatever it had been she was wanting to say. For as long as she could remember, that fear had defined her world, and the only thing that changed with age was awareness. Ismena tackled the world headfirst. Ismena.. Ismena had run around on the mountain, day and night, while Lunette had remained at home, choked by her own fears.

So, she had come to realize, that not everyone started shaking, and wanting to fall through the earth, whenever they had something to say. Some could just .. say it .. and infinite envy had wrapped itself around her. She could feel Kajika's eyes on her, and for the first time, she wanted to run from that gaze. It saw what she wasn't saying, knew that she wasn't saying it, and she hated lying to him, but the mere idea of speaking those words.. her heart quivered in fear, her body threatened to tremble, and what would it do to him? How would he react, knowing how he was adored?

Best not say she told herself, closing her eyes and trying to hold her face still. All she wanted to do was scrunch it up an start crying, because he was too kind to her, but if she did that.. she'd just reveal that he was right and that there was more to the story, things she didn't want to place on his already heavy shoulders, so she breathed. Deeply. Quietly. Waiting for the fist crushing her heart to ease up, and for the burning behind her eyes, and in her throat, to stop.

Eventually, it got easier, and Kajika talking helped. It gave her something else to focus on, and her eyes opened again. There would always be things they'd regret, she thought. For example, Lunette regretted not having gone out more. Not having followed Ismena around. Not learned properly to hunt. Not.. not being a meek idiot when the lynx came around. She could easily see herself hating herself for those things for the rest of her pathetic life, but she did not want that for Kajika. She wanted happiness, stability, and good things for him, no matter where, or with whom, he found it. She swallowed. This was the hard part. This required her formulating some kind of answer, but she was just a tiny little girl, what did she know of the world..? Best just smile and say you're right and...

Maybe for others, but never for him. Seconds passed in silence as she stacked up her fragile courage.

"Do you think I should blame myself for Ismena leaving?" The sentence was quiet, rhetorical in nature. The cold mountain air suddenly felt too thin, and it took all she had not to gasp, or stumble. "I—if I had been braver.. if I had gone exploring with her, went down from the mountain.. would she have stayed?" She took a steadying breath. "You see.. your Des left, without a word, without a trace. My sister left, with both word, and trace. You didn't track her. I wasn't.. wasn't brave enough, to make Issy stay. You wanted—wanted to have tried tracking her. To forgive yourself. I wish I had been braver back then, so maybe she wouldn't have left, so I wouldn't.. wouldn't wonder if it was my fault." The corners of her eyes wrinkled sadly, and she stopped walking, to look at him. "Don't you see..? It's not your fault she's gone..." She trailed off into silence, and nervously looked away. She had said too much. Always too much. What did little, insecure girls know of the world anyway? Maybe she was wrong about everything.

Yeah. She was most definitely wrong about everything, and all she'd said would just make it worse, and Kajika would scoff and tell her you can't draw parallels between foolish young girls and an important wandering man's life and all she'd said would just show how stupid and pathetic she was. Miserably, she hung her head and stared at her paws.  

When he wasn’t overcome by everything that he was going through then he spent a lot of time worrying about Lunette.  Maybe it was that she gave him a sense of being needed or maybe he needed her.  Since Moonshadow was with Tagg Kajika often felt that she no longer needed him no matter what came from her mouth. They were friends and they would always be friends but he couldn't imagine himself being more important than Tagg. It wasn't like he didn't know what it was like to be in her shoes, how he had felt about Des.  She had been his world, he had traveled Miles for her, to see her and though he'd had other reasons he'd joined a pack for her. The fact that she still came to check on him surprised him every Time.  He expected the day for her to stop checking in him would come, she would soon be too caught up to want to see him.  The thought of it saddened him more but it was best to be prepared for it so that when it did come it wouldn't be such a blow.

He didn't know all of the things that went through Lunette’s mind so he didn't know exactly what is was she wasn't saying. There were so many times he wondered what went on behind her brown eyes.  Often she didn't say much at all but he knew there was more behind her simple answers.  Leaving him to guess at what she was really thinking but more and more she revealed to him. He hoped that in time she would trust him enough that she would feel comfortable talking to him about anything.  Until then he could wait, he was a patient man after all especially for Lunette.  She deserved someone who would take the time to get to know and understand her, he wanted to be that someone for her. In his sea of darkness she had become his shining star, the one he looked forward to seeing.

He let her off the hook and went on to answer her questions because he knew one day she would tell him.  He may not remember the context of the conversation but one day she would open up and tell him, he hoped anyway.  She that day came he would do what she needed him to, listen and comfort her or encourage her if she needed it. To him what she said mattered and he tried to show her that every single day. He explained to her why he felt so guilty about not going to find Des but there was more that he hadn't yet told Lunette. She deserved for him to go looking for her even if it took him to the ends of the earth because he loved her.

Kajika was surprised when Lunette opened up about her sister and what had transpired with her. He didn't stop her or comfort her not then while she was still talking.  He listened fearing that she would stop, it was clear to him she needed to do this.  To get her feeling about it out and talk with someone which left him wondering if anyone knew how much she was suffering over her sister.  Finally she calmed leaving him with a question but before he would answer it she needed him to be there for her.  He moved toward her running his muzzle along her cheek, “I don't think you should blame yourself for Ismena, I don't think she would have stayed no matter how hard you tried to stop her. You may not have felt brave enough to go after her but do you think you could have been able to get her to come back as determined as she was?” Kajika wasn't going to act like their situations were different because they were only different in the fact one had left willingly and the other hadn't.

He crouched down in front of her to look at her better, “You're right it's not my fault she's gone just like it's not your fault Ismena is gone,” he said gently but firmly. “We both lost someone that we care a lot about and maybe you are right we shouldn't blame ourselves but you and I are still left to pick up the pieces,” he said nudging her chin with his nose, “We can do it together, would you like that?”

(This post was last modified: Mar 01, 2017, 04:08 PM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

She hadn't talked to anyone about Ismena. Her parents had asked, of course, but she'd brushed it off with some excuse of 'needing time to think' or 'I'll feel better soon, don't worry'. She hadn't felt like talking about it—still didn't, really. Ismena had always been on about the world, exploring it, and bringing Lunette along, something she only managed to do on occasion. But you have to come with me tomorrow! had been their usual goodbye phrase whenever the younger girl had declined coming along for today's neck-breaking, heart-stopping, absolutely terrifying adventure. Sometimes, that 'tomorrow' had been a week away, but sooner or later, Ismena always coaxed her out of her comfort zone and brought her on some trip that was the stuff on nightmares—and in the darkness when sleep refused to come, paradise. Issy's patience had never run out.

Until that day, when she said she was leaving—and leave she did, after a hug and a promise of staying safe, and Lunette had barely understood what had happened before her whirlwind of a sister was gone.

The Cove had been quieter after that. She wouldn't call it boring, but rather, it had become her prison. When Ismena wasn't there to drag her out of her misery and force her into the world, where the strong, cold winds blasted her face and tickled her whiskers and enticed her nose with all sorts of scents, she simply stayed at home. She didn't have the courage—the strength—to brave the world alone.

The bottom line was that it was her fault. Ismena must've given up on her, decided she was never going to take a leap of faith, and gone on to see the world without her, because clearly Lunette was a lost cause. It hurt, and if it wasn't her fault, then it was some kind of sisterly betrayal, and she'd rather blame herself than her sister.

Kajika's dark nose touched her cheek, and stroked it. One of her ears flicked, and, still looking miserable, she raised her head a little to study his face. There was too much kindness in him, if that even was a thing—she didn't deserve it, but he kept on giving it, anyway. Slowly, she turned her had away. If she had come crashing down the mountain after her, would she have stayed? Would it have been enough proof that she.. well, that she could be brave, and adventurous? Or, would Ismena just have spirited her away? She sighed. "No.." she mumbled in response. When Ismena made up her mind, nothing could change it.

Movement in the corner of her eye made her turn her head back to look at him again. He was crouching a little, putting them more on the same level. She was rapidly approaching her adult height, but her bad habit of constantly hanging her head made it hard to look her in the eye most of the time. “You're right it's not my fault she's gone just like it's not your fault Ismena is gone,” he said, and, bitterly, she accepted it—for his sake. If it meant laying the blame on Ismena for him to understand that Des leaving was not his fault, so be it.

Besides, it could still be both—both hers and Ismena's fault. Then, he went on, and her eyes widened, and she didn't seem to react much when his nose nudged her chin. Her head came up a little higher, but it was as if she didn't see him anymore—lost, in some dazed, hazy dream in which her heart did its best to run out of her chest. She didn't understand what he meant, she just—he wanted to.. to be around her, to help her, be helped by her.. she blinked, and fought down the urge to run away just because whatever it was, it was scary. ".. y-yeah," she mumbled, feeling she had to reply with something other than fear and shock. She took a gulping breath and tried to steady her voice. "I, uhm.. I mean, would there b-be any point in looking for her now..? Des."

He hadn't spoken to many about his feelings toward Des leaving or how they had come to know each other and grown close.  When she had first disappeared from his life he had been angry, so much so that he didn't think he could ever let her back in his life.  He felt betrayed, that she could just leave him and the cove, one day she was there and the next not.  Slowly his anger had died until he did what he could to push any thought of her from his mind.  He didn't want to think about it, be reminded that he had to have done something to make her want to leave.  He didn't want to admit to himself that maybe he hadn't been or done enough for her to make her want to stay.

As time passed he hadn't completely forgotten about her but he'd been able to live his life relatively happily all that had ended as slowly she crept back in taking up residence in his mind. Returning to him every night in his dreams which at first had been good dreams where everything had turned out they way he thought it should have. Until they weren't good any longer and the scenarios changing until the outcomes were worse than the last. They had plagued him along with his guilt dragging him down further and further into the darkness with each passing day.

When he finally got over the anger the guilt had settled in and did not allow him to come up for air and so he remained in the darkness. The nightmares constant every time he closed his eyes. He stayed there for what seemed an eternity until he finally found something to hold on to pull himself up out of the darkness.  Until the news of Moonshadow and Tagg had caused him to lose his grip and he fell back into the darkness. It was Lunette that had helped him to find his grip once more so he could slowly pull himself back up.  He would not let her fall into the darkness over something he didn't feel was her fault.  She was too young to experience what he and her mother had, she should be happy and yet she was not.

Lunette didn't talk about her sister leaving, he let her come to it in her own time but he sometimes wondered if he should have pushed a little more.  He also wondered if he pushed would she talk or stay silent as she often did when she didn't want to talk about it. He did not want to push Lunette, he wanted her to come to things in her own time. To find the confidence and trust she needed to talk to him about it. It seemed he had been right because she did open up a little and that was enough for now but he could see just how much she was hurting.

He hoped the touch of his nose on her cheek would be some comfort to her, to let her know that he was there for her. The question was posed though, did she think she could have stopped Ismena from leaving even if she had been able to try and stop her. He looked into her eyes when she had turned her head back toward him but then she turned it away again. He moved a little closer a quiet whine sounding from his throat. Again she only uttered one word but it was what he had expected her answer to be. She of all wolves knew her sister and knew she wouldn't have been stopped.

He'd crouched down to be able to look into her eyes telling her that it wasn't their fault they had list the ones they love. He meant it, they were the ones that had gone, Ismena to see the world and Des...Well he didn't know what happened but he was convinced she had not wanted to. Whatever happened to her on her scouting trip had made it so she couldn't return.  As he said the only thing left was to pick up the pieces and move on, something he had been unsuccessful at and he guessed the same was true for her too.

The thing was they had each other and could help each other whether it was talking or forcing themselves to get out and do something. It was the small things that helped them to overcome, he didn't know when he had figured that out but it was sound advice.  The nudge of his nose brought her head a little higher and her agreement for them to help each other brought a smile to his face. “We can get through this together Lunette, you and me.”She had already helped him so much and he felt he had helped her some too.  There wasn't any reason they couldn't further help each other but her next question had his head dropping to look at his paws.  He was sure she knew the answer before she'd asked and yet she did, “No, the trail is too cold and I wouldn't even know where to begin,” he admitted.

(This post was last modified: Mar 02, 2017, 12:02 PM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

She didn't want to burden anyone. They could tell her a hundred times that she was no burden, that it was not a problem listening to her, but she was unlikely to believe it anytime soon. She'd smile, a chipper little smile, and reassure everyone that everything was fine, thank you. No, really, she meant it, it was fine, and as soon as she could, without it being suspicious, she'd go off to wander around on her own.

She wasn't very interested in laying her problems on just about anyone who asked, and the ones she might want to talk to, she cared about too much, and thus didn't want to bother them with her, in comparison, insignificant woes. And besides, she still hurt over the lynx thing. She hadn't thought herself the type to hold grudges, but she was beginning to learn the hard way that she was. Neha had been her protector, bigger sister, and occasional playmate. She was like an already-grown Lunette, and as a child, it had caused her to question what they had needed Lunette for, when they already had Neha. She had never felt envy towards her, the one they groomed for queen, but after the lynx.. it was still not envy, but it was bitterness and pain, born from betrayal.

If Neha became queen anytime soon, Lunette would get the hell outta dodge. Trust broken is not easily mended, when anxiety corrodes the edges, setting them further and further apart.

“We can get through this together Lunette, you and me.” He never questioned her sincerity. It had been an important question, and she wasn't so sure any other wolf would've just understood her mumbled response for what it was; they might've questioned her, asked her if she really meant it, or just.. not even have heard what it was, forced her to repeat itself.. but he heard, and he understood, and he knew that she meant it no matter how feeble her voice. She closed her eyes, heart swelling with gratitude, and briefly pressed her head against his scruff, before pulling back to ask her question about tracking Des.

It was his turn to hang his head, and stare miserable at his paws. Was this—was this how he felt, each time she did it? She didn't even know emotions could turn so fast, from overwhelming thankfulness to fear, worry, and a heartbreak so deep she, too, had to whine. After he'd answered, saying what she had feared to be true, she took a little step forward, heart thundering with her own particular brand of fear as she dared to reach out, and be there for him.

Her slender muzzle touched his chin, and, gently, she nudged him a little, to get him to raise his head, as he had done so many times for her. She didn't know what to say, though, so she didn't say anything, just crept even closer as they sat there on the frozen lake. Slowly, she placed herself next to him, and leaned against his side. Her heart was still beating both too fast and too loud, and it threatened to choke her voice.

"It'll be alright," she mumbled into his shoulder.

During his time in the cove so much had happened that Kajika often had trouble remembering it all.  He rather hoped that wasn't a sign he was getting too old and losing his memory. A depressing thought really that he pushed out of his head and focused once again on the girl before him.  He was glad she had come when she did as he had grown mode accustomed to being around puppies.  It had taken some time but he had eventually gotten used to the idea of having puppies around.

Then there was Lunette and it was clear she was special, at least to him she was.  His new found comfort allowed him to be able to have the bond with her that he had with Lunette.  He was grateful to have found a friend in the youngest Vuesain, he felt she was good for him and him for her. Kajika liked to think that he was helping her to gain more confidence, venture out, and be able to do some things around pack lands like hunting.  He would teach her everything she needed to know if she had to but more than happy to do anything.

The thing Kajika had not realized was just the effect that Neha's attempt at discipline had done to Lunette.  That by doing what she had Neha may have put a rift between the sisters but Kajika couldn't bring himself to be sad for the older Vuesain daughter. She had stepped out of rank and belittled her sister in front of the pack.

They had both lost someone close to them and needed to find some way to cope with their losses.  He felt that together they could do that, help each other get past it and move on.  While Moonshadow was doing what she could Kajika didn't want to burden her anymore than he already had.  So he'd turned to Lunette because she was always there, always happy to see him and that always put a smile on the dark man's face.  She needed him as much as he needed her, it was nice to have that in his life again.

Her question about Des left him looking down at his paws, the answer not what he wanted to admit but the truth all the same.  It was something that needed to be accepted whether he wanted to or not.  Saying it out loud to Lunette made it more real, that it didn't matter if he'd gone then or he went now there wouldn't be a trail for him to follow.  The part that bothered him the most was he never even tried to find her trail or not. The whine that came from her mouth he knew was her sympathizing with him because of the answer he'd given. He could hear her feet move as she moved toward him but he didn't lift his head.

Not until he felt her muzzle under his chin the pressure causing him to finally lift his head and look at her.  She didn't say anything but she didn't have to because he knew how much she cared.  He watched as she moved to be next to him, leaning on him and that movement was a comfort to the beta. He tucked her against him with his chin as she told him it would be alright, "One day Lunette I'm sure it will and until that things will be just a little better because we have each other.” Their friendship would be what helped them through the rough times.

(This post was last modified: Mar 05, 2017, 02:20 AM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

Kajika had become her savior—when she was younger, he had been infinitely patient, like a large uncle or something. She had felt safe with him, just like she had felt safe with Papa, but there hadn't been much more than that. Sure, Kajika had been intriguing in an altogether different way, because he had no obligation to acknowledge Lunette, as her parents and siblings had. To have the attention of an important adult.. it had been a kind of confirmation she had needed.

Then, Ismena had left, and while she hadn't really spoken of it with Kajika before today, he was quickly becoming the thing she depended on—the one to get her through the darkness and the fear, now that her sister was gone. Lunette had always gone to her, maybe just to bury her nose in warm fur, or to get that boot in the ass she needed to get out the door sometimes.

But even though Ismena had left her, she began to realize that Ismena had not left her alone. She had Kajika. She had another pillar of strength, she had somebody to lean on, and, to tentatively help. To be needed—to feel that she, too, could give something—was magical, and she basked in the feeling of it.

Basked even more in the feeling of Kajika pressing his head over hers, holding her tight. "One day Lunette I'm sure it will and until that things will be just a little better because we have each other.” "Yeah," she murmured in response, the word almost drowned in his thick winter fur. She had never felt loved before in the way that she felt now—because there was no requirement for him to care about her. He did it of his own volition and that fact filled her with sunshine and contentment, a bright, bubbling light. She closed her eyes. If it was up to her, she'd sit there with him forever, because that way, the bad things would not have a chance to catch up with them.

In the time he had been spending with Lunette she had changed from the quiet little puppy to what she was now. She used to keep everything inside of her, it took him awhile to get used to it before he finally was able to get a little more out of her. He felt she was slowly starting to let him Into her little world and if he was honest he was glad for it.  It made him feel she trusted him and for the dark man it was one of the greatest gifts she could give him.

When he had first started spending time with her he had never expected that he would grow so close to her.  That when he decided to leave saying goodbye to her was almost too much, making him wish he had asked if she could come too. Unfortunately he hadn't and now he was hurting her by leaving her behind.  He was angry with himself for hurting her and hoped that when he returned he hoped she would welcome him back with open paws.

It was the first time she'd talked about Ismena with him which he hoped would continue, it was something he felt she needed to talk about. She hadn't completely spilled everything she had been feeling but it was something, much more than ever before. Kajika was very proud of her but that wasn't the moment to tell her, later would be better. For now he was content just sitting  there for as long as Lunette wanted to because he was there for her no matter what.  

Over the course of their conversation she'd ended up next to him and buried her face in his fur.  He'd placed his head over hers in an effort to comfort the both of them from the sad things that they had talked talked about. He promised her that someday things would be okay, that if they just stick together and talked when they needed to then they would hopefully be able to work through the things that bothered them.  Kajika held her against him almost missing the word she uttered. “I hope you are able to see someday.”

(This post was last modified: Mar 05, 2017, 08:15 PM by Kajika.)

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Lunette Vuesain

I’ve got my love stuck in my head

They sat like that, on their furry asses out on the frozen lake—a small silver creature leaning against a larger, blacker one. And for her.. well, just as she didn't seek conversational company much, she didn't ask for physical contact, either. She didn't want to be in the way. Be a bother. Take up somebody's time.

But sitting out on the lake with Kajika, leaning against him to take as much support as she gave.. in that moment, she trusted him entirely. She trusted his honesty when he said he wanted to spend time with her, trusted him because he seemed to trust her, having told her about Des, and a little of how he felt. It was a strange notion, that adults needed those kind of talks as much as she did—they weren't the invincible, indomitable creatures they seemed. They could be fragile, too. They could need too.

“I hope you are able to see someday,” he said, his chest vibrating with his voice. It sounded different when her ear was pressed up against him, and it made her smile, even as she nodded a little. She hoped so too. She couldn't imagine a world without Kajika—she couldn't imagine her life without him.

She was content to sit like that, for as long as they needed to. Then, at some point, they would get up, shake off the snow and ice that had settled on them, and amble on along the shore, to continue their little adventure.

The End.