Grizzly Hollow I invented this fail-safe

@Quil - Rook is having a guilt trip in my head and I figured we could have something of a slow-going thread while the Quil/Veho thread unfolds.

August 31st; Nightfall; Light rain shower; 54 ° F, 12 ° C.

Darkness had fallen on Relic Lore once more, accompanied by sheets of light rainfall. Rook was out in the storm, making his rounds. The rain would dampen everything, wash off the markers saturate the places where the earth had been disturbed by the wolves under his care. It would even wash away most of @Veho's distinctive musk, all of the borrowed nuzzles and the moments in which the pair commonly walked together (for the most part it was Rook venting about being frustrated with Borden's forgetfulness and nothing more). When the downpour stopped, he would be there, refurbishing each and every landmark with tired eyes and filthy paws. It didn't matter at this point if he lost sleep over it; what he thought mattered was the fact that he was still who he was and that he cared about everything Grizzly Hollow was and had become.

He had traversed the part of the lands that led to the den where Borden laid fast asleep, safeguarded by whoever had been appointed there by - at this point this position or duty was voluntary, but usually Veho and @Titan could be counted on to fill in when Rook wasn't there to tell his father good night. He tiptoed past the old half-tree, squishing his paws into the mud wherever the pine needles revealed the earth beneath. Within minutes he came upon the den where Tomen had been tucked into bed, and upon regarding the dark den opening, he lowered his head with a tentative wag of his wet tail.

With the softest bark he could muster, he called for his mate. "Quil?" he crooned. If it weren't for the constant pitter-patter of the rain, the notes in his voice that lilted would have easily been caught. Finally, after what had seemed like a very long time, he missed her. He missed the embraces they used to share, the tender nose bumps, and the wag of her black banner of a tail. He ached to hear her laugh, to have her all to himself. He tried one more time, his voice a little clearer and more hopeful that she might appear, "Quil?"

<33

It seemed as though sleep would have come easier with the rain falling down upon Cedarwood Forest. Curled up next to her son who so often slept like there was no dawn in sight, Quil had managed to drift off just a couple of times, repeatedly easing into a light slumber and welcoming the beginning of a dream before waking just as easily, often with a sigh. She should be used to it by now ─ this pattern of restlessness ─ but even time wasn't helping to temper the way she felt distraught on the nights @Rook wasn't lying next to her.

Maybe there wasn't any getting used to it.

She had grown to feel apart from her mate, mostly as a result of his interests in everything except her. Part of her didn't want to see things that way, but it was hard to feel like she was even visible when he spent so much time fulfilling his duties to the pack and to Borden, and when she was nearly left to raise Tomen alone. Quil didn't blame Rook for the way he went about seeing to it that Borden was taken care of, and as a matter of fact she admired her mate for his loyalty to both Borden and Jaysyek (and the rest of the family, as it were). And she also understood that there was more to keeping a pack on its feet with winter around the bend than raising young and seeing to it that every last member had all of his or her wants (such as attention or affection) fulfilled. If anyone should understand his motives and behavior, it should be her, after all. But all of the reasoning in the world could not change the way she felt, and the distance seemed more and more every day. Truth be told, she was bitter, but the bitterness stemmed from a deeper-rooted sadness, one that only her other half could mend. At the end of the hard days, it was her love for Rook Lyall above all else that kept her going, even if she was taking it all one day at a time.

Having awoken from yet another fruitless stint of sleep, she laid awake in the darkness, her back pressed against the damp earthen wall of the den. Her golden eyes were heavy with exhaustion and worry, glazed over with an emptiness that loneliness had born in them. She watched the rain fall outside, then the rise and fall of her sons's chest, then traced over the silhouetted sights of exposed roots that poked out from the walls before looking out into the night. The rain drops looked like cascading silver when, now and again, a flicker of lightning lit up the sky. Her eyelids slowly fell and for a time she closed her eyes, breathing slow and steady and waiting for sleep when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

Pushing the somnolence away, she perked up ever so slightly and pressed her ears hard forward and listened. Had she been dreaming? "Quil?" The voice called out again, and at once she knew it was him. For the slightest moment she hesitated, a part of her feeling defiant as another part longed to run to him and bury her face in his chest. With all her grace, Quil rose to her feet, shook the dirt from her silvered coat and moved for the den mouth. She poked her head out, blinking as the rain fell in her eyes.

"Rook?"

 

A lynx has left behind the remains of a deer. +5 Health

When he thought that dark-furred crown would not appear, it did, accompanied by the sound of his name. If he hadn't been looking properly through the dark and the rain, he might have easily missed her without the moonlight reflecting off her amber eyes. He could have cried, pulled her close to him as quickly as he dared but he didn't. It had felt as if too much time had passed between them. They could have been perfect strangers - lovers once upon a time.

"Hello, love," the words were familiar but his tone was too queer, as if he were saying them for the first time. He smiled at her through the rain, bracing himself from within, wondering just how she would receive him. On one hand he was ready to be crucified for his predisposition to absentmindedly neglect her since Borden and the pack ate up most of his time; on the other, he was almost hopeful that she might fully emerge to find her place at his chest, nestle herself against him and not let go until she felt she was able to let him go.

The roving storm above flashed a lightning bolt overhead and for a whole half-second he was able to make her out, a silhouette against an equally dark backdrop of boulders and evergreens. "I'm sorry if I woke you," he lent, keeping his voice low as not to alert their slumbering son within the den. "I just wanted to see you and, I was wondering, could we talk?" The rain that fell upon his face and dripped down the bridge of his muzzle, nose, and ear tips felt cold. His heart was pounding and his face beneath those distinct triangular markings was flushed. It didn't matter anymore; he had made up his mind that his time burning in hell for all eternity would be worth every single sinful thing he had endured in his life thus far.

"If... If this isn't a good time, I can come back in the morning or wait for some other moment. I understand."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

"Hello, love."

Her eyes searched for Rook's form in the darkness, finding his face in a flash of light as he stood out in the rain. It was amazing that a sight she had once beloved now caused her heart to drop. "Of course," she replied to his request to talk, looking back into the den to make sure they hadn't woken Tomen before slipping out into the rain to join him.

It felt like there was so much left unspoken between them, and the last thing she wanted to do was wait for some other time. At this point, she didn't know if there would even be another opportunity. Quil's paws squished in the mud and over the wet leaves underfoot as she moved to him and her heart began to thump hard and slow in her chest...In the moment, she wanted to bury her face in his chest and let the rain disguise the tears that could follow, but the part of her that was hurting ─ the part that his neglect had weathered ─ bid her to be cautious. She took the middle road, closing in on him and without hesitance roving her snout along his cheek, hanging there for just a moment, just long enough to feel the warmth of him on her nose and breathe in the scent she'd been missing so badly.

Pulling away gingerly, she took a step forward; it would be easier to walk and talk, because as long as they were moving, she wouldn't fidget from nerves or forget what to say or become lost in the weight of their situation. "I was awake, you know. I...It's terribly hard to sleep without you." There. At least if she laid it all out there on the table ─ the fact that she missed him ─ there would be a chance that he would want to lay it out, too. Whatever it was. The rain fell with a pitter-patter and eventually enough so that her coat was wet and the drops that managed to make it through her black fur slid, cold, down her skin. "So." She glanced over, taking in a quiet breath and resigning to not let whatever was to come from his lips be a surprise to her. "What do you want to talk about?"

 

After checking to make sure that the little shadow she had left within the den did not follow her out into the night, Quil obliged. Rook, gladdened by her company, watched her as she drew close, tracing her nose and lips over the fur along his cheek. His eyes briefly closed to relish her touch, desperate to try and remember that the warmth she summoned within him brought to light a whole different side of him that he had only recently forgotten. Then, just like that, the rain was quick to make him open his eyes and realize that she had pulled away. Keenly, he followed suit, taking up a slow walk that was effortless to maintain and easy quelled the restlessness that had inched up his stocky limbs.

She was the first to speak, divulging that she had been awake - perhaps missing him and possibly waiting for him to come around so that she could finally get to sleep. He wasn't quite sure what to say to that. Surely she wouldn't have use for his sympathy or condolences when he could have remedied her predicament. "The storm's going to wash away all our markers, I wanted to be sure the borders were being kept." It was the truth (for Rook was absolutely terrible at lying) and, for that, he hoped she would understand.

When she prompted him with a change of subject, getting straight to the point as to why he had wanted to talk, Rook kept quiet for a long while. Twice he almost went around two young cedars and let them separate them as they walked and, in his growing sadness, he nearly dashed his foot on an unearthed root. He did his best to try and keep the pace and keep moving.

"I guess I just wanted to see how you were," he admitted finally, "I want to make sure you're happy, that you still want for nothing more." His ears tipped back and he focused his eyes on the ground as they went after he caught a glimpse of the side of her face, a silhouette until another lightning bolt and a crash of thunder showed him the silvered features he often recalled in his dreams. "I am lost," confessed with a low whine, "and I can't find my way back. I told my father I was ready for this when I'm clearly not. If I knew better, I would know how to be in two places at once... I feel... guilty. For every moment I'm out on the borders and tending to Dad or looking for Mom or-- or keeping Titan and Veho straight, there is a lifetime of memories with you and Tomen that are passing me by."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.

Rook explained that he'd been out keeping up the borders, which had been washed of the Hollow's markings beneath the onslaught of ran ─ which was reasonable and acceptable, and she didn't think more about it. They made their way in silence for a time and here and there she would look from down at her paws as they squished in the mud to the storm-lit trunks of the cedar forest. Once she dared to glance over at Rook, who she knew was trying to put what he was trying to say in order in his mind. Quil was willing to let him take his time. She didn't want to rush him, or rush their time together, since they didn't have a lot of it to begin with.

As the weeks had passed by without much of him in them, she'd been back and forth in her own mind about the state of her happiness and his, and Tomen's well being and all the ways he was growing up so fast. It was true that, in her thoughts, she'd envisioned something different when it came to her family ─ to Rook and Tomen. Maybe she'd believed it would be more of a fairy tale, that the three of them would spend their days together, growing together and learning together and together with Borden and Jaysyek and their siblings. Perhaps what she'd thought would happen since her pregnancy involved a dynamic that allowed her and her mate to be more cohesive instead of leading their different roles separately. Walk the borders together. Care for Borden together. Wake up in the mornings with their baby together. At least lead together...She'd gone back and forth between sadness and denial and frustration and anger and acceptance many times, in her heart, but one thing she never truly did feel was regret. Quil never wished things different, not when it came to being with Rook, because she'd been resolute in falling for him, letting him in, loving him, marrying him, and having his child. She didn't look back at what could have been and she didn't need to, because this thing with him here in this place was everything she wanted. On her good days, she accepted the fact that she'd chosen her own decisions every step of the way and didn't blame him for things at all, knowing that she was in control of shaping her own life. Knowing that, even when things were hard and disconnected, this was where she belonged. With him.

She could feel his response to her question coming before he'd given it, the composite energy of their silent feelings and thoughts and the words that hung in the air unsaid flowing hot between their bodies in the cold rain. The wet made the surfaces of the forest shine.

He began with "I guess I just wanted to see how you were," and went on to say he wanted to be sure she was happy and provided for. Then came his admission of feeling guilty and he explained why he felt he was lost. She took his words in with an open mind, attentively, and weighed what she heard against her perceptions of him and of herself an of their situation. The will to support him and share some of his load ─ the one that had obviously been weighing him down ─ came so naturally. "Firstly, I want you to know that I think you've been doing an amazing job of keeping things together, for your family and for the pack. I...understand how it can be hard for you, and it's reasonable that you feel you've lost yourself somewhere in between the day we came back to Grizzly Hollow and now. I mean, we were both so young, we still are, and the responsibilities you accepted to build on your dream would be hard for anyone to handle ─ especially a new dad, with an ailing dad who needs as much caring for as a new cub." She paused to inhale and exhale and clear her throat. Her voice was as steady as the ground they walked on. "And, Rook, there's no one who can be in two places at once, and no one expects you to be able to. You've got to just do your best, every day, one day at a time, and that's enough. It matters most that you try, and...you do so much more than just try."

She felt a bit guilty herself now, her own words to him ones she needed to hear for herself, to know that she believed in him and all he was doing. In her own melancholy, she'd nearly overlooked the fact that, even if he'd been absent in her life, she could have made more of an effort to be in his. And Tomen was old enough that she could. And she should.

She stopped walking, looking at him and feeling absolutely raw. "And you're right ─ a lifetime of memories are passing you by. They're ones you'll never get back. But your son is strong and he'd growing up so fast and he is something to be so proud of, and he loves you, and so do I. There's─" she shifted her weight, "─a lot that you've missed, but there's so much more to come, so much that you have to look forward to. So much that I have to look forward to. You can't change the past and you don't need to...I am sad when you're not around, and sometimes I feel other things, but I am happy. I have an amazing son and I have you, and you two are my whole world. You always will be. So..." Her eyes fell to her paws again and she traced the shape of her toes long enough to keep her composure, to not let the swell of emotion rattle her.

"So don't worry, love. To answer your question, all I want for is you. I know you're busy, and I know you've got a lot to deal with and I understand. I'm so sorry you feel lost." Sadness touched her features. "I don't want you to feel that way. Not ever...If there's anything I can do to help, just say the words ─ I'll do anything to help you find your way. I'll do anything for you, Rook." I'll endure anything for you. She knew then it was the bottom line in her heart.

 

(This post was last modified: Oct 06, 2015, 07:42 AM by Rook.)

Given our timeline and what I (kind of) want to bring to light in this thread, maybe we could forward date this a bit? After Sept 3rd, if possible since that was when he was tweaking out about Quil finding out about Rook/Veho... Or if you'd like we can have another thread to discuss that at a later date? I have a few directions I can take this if need be.

How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you're not here I'm suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
Cause the writing's on the wall...
- Sam Smith; Writing's On the Wall

What he received in return, despite his anxiety and unease, was nothing but unconditional love, support, and assurance. It hurt... It didn't ease the feeling of having a dagger in his heart; in fact, she might as well have (unintentionally) twisted it. The sadness was there, they both bore it on their shoulders, allowed the grief of the other's absence take its toll, and it tested their relationship - even more so on his part as she admitted, ever still after all this time, that all she ever required was one thing... him.

When they had stopped walking, he almost felt unworthy to look at her. Several times his eyes left the comfort of her gaze, the rain-soaked fur on his own masked face making him seem gaunt and withered. Starved. Longing. Deprived... of her. "I worry," he admitted, his gaze trained on the ground at her feet. "I can't ever not worry." There was a shake of his head and his eyes closed in what was obvious defeat.

"Quil," her name came on a whisper, an uttered breath meant for her ears only. "I feel... different. I don't... I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before in a very long time. It's like--" here, he had to catch his breath, his heart feeling as though it were beating a million times a second. "I-I don't know. It's like I understand now that boundaries between noise and sound are conventions... All boundaries, essentially, are conventions... waiting to be transcended." A shudder raked its way across his shoulders and he stole a look into her eyes, "There are times when I'm watching the borders and I don't feel like I'm there. I feel... limitless. It's... overwhelming. Moments like this, I can feel your heart beating as clearly as I feel my own, and I know that separation is an illusion. Like, my life extends far beyond the limitations of me." He exhaled slowly, wondering if she would understand what he was trying to tell her.

"And in that revelation I can only love you more and more... never any less than the day before. I... I know this because even when there are times I yearn for something more, it isn't when I expect more of us, from you, or from me. It's as if I feel there is still something more out there and whatever it is, I want to experience it with you. Share it with you."

A sudden realization flashed across his mind and, he inched closer to her, as close as he could dare without being tempted to lose himself in the warmth and comfort of her night-colored fur. "Regardless of whatever this is and what it does to me, please..." his tone had taken to pleading, becoming almost misleading perhaps in drawing parallels to Borden's current state, "Please know that you are enough. Always have been. Always will be. And that I love you so very much."

"I just want to know that no matter what might happen, I can find my way back to you. If I-- If I lose myself, could you remind me who I was?" When he looked down again, the lightning flashed and the thunder rolled; what had been illuminated for a mere split-second was definitely not the Leader of Grizzly Hollow nor the boy from Renegades Reach. It was like the weight that had once been so heavy on his shoulders was gone, leaving him hollow in its absence, "There are times I don't know who I am because I am somewhere else and I c-an't help it." Panic threatened to settle in, his words coming slower and slower as the time passed, to pave way for the breakdown that had sprung from the unexpected affair with Veho... "I just feel like there's something missing; I think I know what it is but I'm scared to admit what it is."

Chances are I have a BEN WHISHAW gif for that.