Grizzly Hollow his world keeps turning

RE: There is a full moon.
47F, clear skies -- for dear little @Tomen

Had you been there tonight, you might know how it feels to be struck to the bone!

There were good days, and there were bad.  There were bad nights, and there were worse.  Since his talk with Quil, the medicine man found himself loathe to seek out the Lord of the Cedarwood Forest whenever the nightmares plagued him.  It was not so much that he feared Rook, or even desired his company any less than he had in the weeks past – it was not so, for he wished for the alpha’s presence now more than he’d ever before.  But within him the Queen of the Hollow wolves had planted a seed of doubt, and next to that she’d sowed a grain of guilt.  Given a bit of time and patience, both had sprouted into hideous vines, creeping up the man’s ribs like a trellis before climbing over any barricade he’d put about his own heart.  There they could put on the squeeze, cover him in thistles and weeds.

What had he done?  What had he done?

Veho swallowed down a heartbroken noise, finding a barren patch to lay himself down and gaze up at the moon.  He’d done the same with his friend, his partner, his love many times before, but here he lay alone, staring up at the sky with a sad song on his mind.  All the stars, all the lights are misty in the river.  In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight.  And all I see is him and me forever and forever, and I know it’s only in my mind.

No matter what, no matter what developed between them, how organic the love was budding in his heart, Quil was there, Quil would come first, Quil had to come first.  What sort of wolf was he, that could preach peace and love, and so willingly break a kind woman’s heart?  If he’d not met her on that fateful night, watching stars as they discussed respective cases of insomnia, perhaps it would have been easier to pretend he was committing no great sin, but now Veho knew well the truth.  Here he betrayed everything he believed in, everything his parents taught him to stand for.  They would be so disappointed in him.  @Namid was disappointed in him, this he could feel, Oolijee would feel little different he suspected.

“Oh, Veho,” he sighed unhappily, closing quicksilver eyes as he rested his strong jawline against his forelimbs.  “Oh, Veho, what did you get yourself into?  What have you done?”

Even he knew there was no simple answer for this mess, and this mess was his.  Once @Rook had confessed to his mateship and his son, the medicine man should have ceased to entertain any thoughts further than a companionable friendship with the alpha male – and yet here he was, on the floor, tears burning beneath his eyelids as he wrestled with the sins he continued to commit.  All this, and he still couldn’t stop.  Wouldn’t stop.  Needed Rook like he needed air – if only he could reconcile his selfish wants and Quil’s needs, perhaps it would feel less like a dagger stuck into his heart and more like a knife cutting away the thistle and weeds.  Would there be no freedom here?

(This post was last modified: Oct 05, 2015, 05:53 PM by Veho.)

It was hard to know whether things were still changing, or whether they were the same as always but he was just learning how to see it. Tomen almost felt each day, as though he would wake up, sit outside, and tangibly sense that he was a whole dusk and dawn older, and the world grew clearer and more blurred at the same time.

At what point had he really started to notice the weird vibe in the Attaya-Lyall den? When had he crossed that threshold of being mature enough to pay attention to his mother's expression, his father's tone of voice, their careful choice of words? Had it always been like this? He could have sworn that there had been many nights where his father hadn't come back, but, as of late, that hadn't happened. Had he imagined it? But while his father's mannerisms were not as committed to memory, mostly due to that pervasive semi-absence, Tomen knew his mother. He knew what she looked like when she was happy, and when she was serious, and when she was sad. Which had been the first morning he had sensed that forced edge to her voice? Or was he crazy, and had it always been there? He simply couldn't remember.

Of course, he did his absolute best to alert neither of his parents to the fact that he was wising up to whatever was going unsaid. Sometimes he feared that his cheerful manner would be too obvious, that his cover would be blown, but then he remembered that what he was hiding what was they were hiding, and he had no idea what they were hiding, so was he really hiding anything? If they suspected, they hadn't said anything so far, and Tomen valued the ability to make his mother smile - even on those nights his father didn't come back, or those nights she seemed particularly distant - far too much to risk losing it. So the boy kept the secret that he didn't know, still waking up and processing it a little more, day by day.

That wasn't why he was out here today, though. He had made it his mission to socialise more in this pack full of wolves with secret names, because Tomen was growing increasingly impatient with secrets. Sometimes he wondered if he was the only one without one of his own. As such, he had decided to make one. Curled up with his parents, the boy pretended to sleep, and since he usually did so without much trouble neither of them appeared to notice his fraud. He was sure they could hear his heartbeat, pounding in excitement and fear of his deception, but he listened as their breathing slowed and they slipped into dreams. He waited for a few minutes longer (okay, many minutes) before gently, carefully extricating himself from them, moving towards the den's exit and out into the night.

He was sure there had been lonely nights without his father, many of them. He can't have been imagining those. So Tomen's mild act of rebellion turned to one of discovery, trying to learn exactly what could keep a man away from his family when he should have been sleeping alongside them. He would have felt guilty, but he had silently promised to be back before they woke, and besides, he was just trying to uncover a mystery. He knew better than to stray too far or leave the pack's territory, something he had yet rarely been tempted to do - the memory of @Avari and the uneasy feeling she had left in his gut still persisted. He didn't want to worry anyone, after all.

His ears caught a soft voice, the words far too quiet to distinguish. That would do. By the light of the clear moon, whose patches of light Tomen moved in and out of as he padded across the forest floor, he found the sorry-looking wolf, and even in the dark he thought he recognised him. Being son of the leaders came with many perks, not least the fascinating conversations that he overheard between them, the business talk and serious topics. Sometimes Tomen thought that those discussions were their most real. Dark ears pushed forward, he slipped forward, self-consciously clearing his voice so as to startle his packmate as little as possible. He didn't want to frighten anyone, and the man looked awfully preoccupied.

"Hey," he called gently, tail wagging once behind him. "You're Veho, right? Are you... okay?"

Had you been there tonight, you might know how it feels to be struck to the bone!

Despite the little lord’s better efforts to warn the wolf before speaking up, his newest companion was behind a barricade of his own thoughts.  Locked in the depths of his mind, the medicine man heard very little of the outside world, and the soft chuff was ignored along with the rustle of leaves and the pitter patter of animal feet across the forest floor.  The wee hours were often a quiet time, but rarely was Cedarwood Forest actually silent – instead, Veho was forced to find his own solitude underneath the moon’s ethereal glow.  Even now, he could not appreciate the beauty, wrapped instead in a cloak woven of his guilt and embellished by his horror.

The voice peeped and the man gave a visible start, all his hairs standing on edge as he quickly scrambled to his feet.  It took several seconds to register the voice was still young, within the confines of childhood, and as he turned the medic was able to place the concern as Tomen, youngest among the wolves of Grizzly Hollow.  A sigh whistled through his black nose as he offered a weak smile, bobbing his head once.  “Yes,” he confirmed the prince’s suspicion.  “I am Veho.  Outside of here, you may call me Merlin,” the medic added, wondering how often the child actually got to leave the boarders his parents marked daily.  At five months old, the Lyall heir was getting quite large, and while he’d not outgrown typical puppy gangliness, he was certainly no more a babe.  It was plausible to think he might venture outside of the Hollow boundaries time and again, though he had little notion how strict Quil was as a parent.  (Rook, adored as he was, did not strike him as a terribly draconian enforcer.  But perhaps this was not his to judge – many of Rook’s siblings had been lost during their own childhood, and perhaps that would factor into the parenting process.)

Ah, but he digressed.  The child had asked something.  Pressing his ears forward, he bobbed his head, hopping the moonlight was not so bright as to glint off the remainder of the tears that had been welling in his pale eyes.  “I am fine, Tomen.  I appreciate your concern, however,” he murmured softly, having no desire to involve the heir in any of his unsavory affairs.  He’s just a child who cannot know the dangers that follow everywhere I go.  The shadows are everywhere, and memories I cannot share, he thought bitterly, a collection of stolen moments with Rook flashing through his mind’s eye.  

Never one with much of a poker face, Veho dipped his head again, shifting as he drew up beside the cub.  The night could be dangerous, if one wasn’t experienced with it.  Taking nothing for granted, he hovered near the boy protectively.  How he would never forgive himself, if any harm befall a child under his watch.  Wasn’t the loss of Neha enough?

“Ought you be in bed?” he inquired, glancing around for one of the boy’s parents.  “Seems a bit late to be out and about.”  

(This post was last modified: Oct 07, 2015, 02:29 PM by Veho.)

Maybe he should never have come. Seeing the startled reaction he had caused, Tomen's ears twisted flat and he took a wary step back, guilty that he had so disturbed the man's peace. That hadn't been his intention at all, but maybe he should have expected it, creeping about in the dark. This time was for sleeping, not for socialising; he should've known to tell the difference.

Yes, said Veho, who added that he could also be called Merlin. Tomen's nose wrinkled for a moment, in distaste of the whole, entire second-name business. If he wasn't allowed to have one, then he wouldn't bother remembering everyone else's. It wasn't like he left the pack territory much anyway, so where was the harm, exactly?

Veho was fine, apparently, but Tomen didn't quite believe that. It was a similar tone that his parents sometimes used, meant to soothe the boy even if the words were lies. He was far from bold or rude enough to call the man out on it, though. Tomen stood quietly as Veho came to him, eyes following his every movement, accepting the adult's presence beside him without complaint. It was comforting, somehow, and it took Tomen a moment to realise why; he knew this scent, more than normal, but why? Tomen hadn't properly met Veho before. Why should he smell so familiar?

"Yeah," he confessed after a moment's guilty contemplation about whether or not he could answer dishonestly. "I couldn't sleep, but I didn't wanna wake them up. I wasn't going far, just... I dunno. To think."

Ears falling flat again, he dropped his gaze. It was a quiet night, as quiet as any this deep in the forest, and he'd gone and spoiled it for Veho. "I'm sorry for bothering you."

There is a family of deer nearby. Hunt Opportunity

Had you been there tonight, you might know how it feels to be struck to the bone!

“Ah,” Veho murmured with a bob of his head, understanding the sentiment on a deeply person level. Sleep had always been difficult for him to obtain, even during his puphood, only exacerbated after his sister, Neha’s, death. Such problems followed him long after he’d advanced to his majority, and while he understood (and had access to) several herbs that had the ability to calm the mind and settle a man into sleep, he did not indulge. His choice of drug was often the mushrooms that made it easier for him to access his Ancestors across the veil, communicating with them in a much more spiritual state. With Tomen being so young, he did not think to offer the boy these things, either – teaching a child to depend on plants for sleep would not serve him well in the long run, so he only rested his rump on the ground, reaching out to nudge the prince’s shoulder in a gentle display of comradery.

“I understand. I do much the same, often enough. Sometimes the thoughts are too loud to get to sleep, and I find myself wandering the area, rather than stress myself trying to force the rest that simply does not want to come.”

He hummed softly, glancing over the pup once. It came at no cost to others, when the medicine man decided he needed to walk the evening and count the stars. Tomen’s disappearance would give his parents a fright if they opening their eyes before the swarthy child could return to the family den. After a moment, the gray wolf decided it wouldn’t do the boy any harm to spend a few more minutes out here with the fresh air and the full moon – if his parents came looking for the young prince, the medic would take the blame. Even a lord in training needed peace of mind, he supposed. And this was Rook’s son. He had little doubt the child had a busy mind and a very perceptive heart.

Leaning down, he gave the dark boy another nudge. How little he looked like the Lyalls, with their mismatched gazes, masks, and white pelts. He looked so much like @Quil, it would be hard to guess who his father was, were wolves not such faithful animals. (Usually, he thought with a twitch. That @Rook refused to divulgate that they cared for each other at all continued to sit ill with him.) “Think nothing of it, Tomen. I have spent many nights watching the moon with your father when he cannot sleep. I have spent some time with your mother as well, when she was struck with a similar problem. We watch the falling stars. It happens to us all, I suppose,” Veho decided, his tail sweeping across the thin bed of dried pine needles. He lifted his own nose towards the sky, glancing up at the bright moon while they sat together in silence. While such peace usually did not bother the man, he peered at the pup once more. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, tipping his head to one side. “Sometimes it is very therapeutic, to be able to get the thoughts out of your head and away from the rest of the world.”

The older man confessed that he partook in the same, a shared kind of mild escapism, but while Veho was beholden only to himself, there was a Tomen-shaped patch of ground left in a den with his parents. He felt guilty over leaving without a word, but he had needed the escape. And as he sat there, with Veho so close and soothing, he let his guilt ebb away, comforted by the medic. He didn't know why, but clearly this was a wolf his father spent much time with, and so Veho must be trustworthy and good company.

The boy 'hmm'ed softly at the nudge, a smile tugging at his lips. Then, in one fell swoop, his previous assessment was proven true, in one sense at least - they did pass a lot of time together. It was the mention of spending the nights together, though, that gave him pause as one ear twitched, wondering if that was a piece of the puzzle he had been slowly putting together. It was a bigger surprise to hear that his mother had done the same, for her absence at night was a far rarer thing, but that little shared snippet did a great deal to clear any lingering doubt he felt towards Veho. After all, both of his parents enjoyed the man's company, and from his easy, friendly manner, Tomen could see why.

"Um," was his first reply, as usual, as he hesitated to offer the truth and yet felt compelled to do so. Maybe the man would have some insight that Tomen didn't, some pearl of wisdom. He wasn't sure whether or not the strangeness between his parents was common knowledge in the pack - he doubted it - but maybe it would be okay to share it with Veho. "I'm just kinda worried about them," he muttered, ears pulling back again as his gaze shied away, guilt creeping back in at discussing this - well, discussing it with someone who wasn't 100% guaranteed not to gossip. "Mom and dad, I mean. They're... I dunno, maybe it's nothing, but I feel like... something's wrong? Probably doesn't make sense. I'm pretty sure they don't know I know, or, at least, um, that they think they're still being normal but they're not? Not totally." He realised that he was both rambling and not really managing to say anything at the same time, and bit down on his tongue as he looked up at Veho, seeking some kind of wisdom which would shine a light on a problem which Tomen couldn't even really explain or describe.

For a short while, it seemed the simple silence blanketing the pair of wolves was enough to calm whatever was plaguing the prince’s mind. Veho was content to leave it at that, if it made the youngest Lyall happier than he was wandering out into the wood, but soon comfortable companionship was not enough. He seemed to fall over his thoughts, trying to sort his troubles into words and phrases, and the adult waited patiently – some folks would never voice what hurt them easily. It was simply not in every wolf’s nature.

When the cub was finally able to explain what had been bothering him like a little thorn in his paw, and it drew a sigh from the medicine man. It did not surprise him that such a perceptive young wolf was able to read the discomfort that had blossomed between his parents – but was it really his place to try to explain? He’d heard stories from both sides, and neither were at fault. There was no one to blame. That was life, that was relationships, but was Tomen old enough to understand?

“You are correct,” Veho finally settled on, lifting his pale eyes to study the sky. “They are not…completely themselves. You must understand, they have both recently become alphas – such a responsibility can be very hard on a wolf, much less a pair of wolves trying to be a parent for the first time.” Shifting his head, he offered the boy a wry smile. “I cannot say I know how difficult it is, only that I know it is both one of the most arduous, but one of the of the most rewards things a wolf can do. All the same, they are only wolves, Tomen. They struggle the same as you or I. But they do not love you any less for it – nor do they love each other any less, of that, you can be certain.”

The simple act of affirmation was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it was nice to have somebody understand his rambling, and to have it confirmed that he wasn't entirely misreading the situation. On the other hand... it might have been nice to be told that he was seeing problems where there weren't any. He respected Veho for not just brushing him off, though, or giving him some pretty, false answer. It made Tomen feel like an equal in the conversation, that Veho thought he was worth the time and effort to reply seriously. It was not entirely true that his parents talked to Tomen like a child, but it was somewhat of an unfortunate side-effect to acting so totally oblivious to the very situation that he was discussing now. The idea of bringing this up directly to either his mother or father made Tomen deeply uncomfortable. He couldn't stomach the idea of that, not yet.

This was a good substitute.

The boy listened attentively, though his gaze dropped to the ground as he digested what Veho was saying, his eyes falling on a fallen leaf but utterly unseeing; he was lost in Veho's words and his own head. He knew that things had changed now that they lead the pack, and had tried his best not to add to his parents' hardships. They didn't need to have to worry about him as well as everyone else. Though he doubted that Veho could really speak with any real authority on who his parents did or did not love, it was comforting to hear the medic impress upon him that the boy was no less loved... and nor each other. It wasn't really their feelings towards himself that Tomen was concerned about, for he felt the strength of their affection for him on a regular basis. It was their position towards each other that he couldn't determine, for he saw so much warmth there but also such distance, and that was what he couldn't decipher.

"Thanks," he said quietly after a moment, an unworthy response to such a heartfelt speech. He took a breath, and leaned in to the older man, now suddenly missing the close bodies of his family that he had left behind in that den. But if he hadn't come, he wouldn't have experienced this, and this encounter would play over and over in his mind over the coming days. "I guess I know that, I just... I want them to be happy. You know? I want to make sure they're happy."

omg i am such a slow. maybe one more post from tomen and we can archive/get our lp? <3

“I know, my prince. That’s any child wants.”

A pause, and a scrunch of his face. Any good child, he thought to himself, for there were plenty ungrateful in the world around them. But @Tomen was not one of those cubs, and he felt no need to spoil the mood, nor expose the boy to anything that might taint an innocence still so pure.

Perhaps he should not be around you, a wicked voice whispered between his ears, but he kept that thought to himself, as well.

So instead, he leaned down, pressing his nose to the boy’s crown in a friendly, if not affectionate, gesture. They were not so close that he’d dare to press kisses upon the swarthy pup, but he wanted him to at least understand there were those among the pack that cared for his well-being, not only physically, but mentally as well. (Regardless of what Veho did or did not do in his time outside these thoughtful moments.)

“Perhaps we should return you to your den, yes? You are beginning to look a bit knackered, my friend,” Veho chuckled softly, tail swinging once behind him. “I can walk you there, if you would like.” It seemed as if the boy could still use the company before curling up with familiar bodies. “Otherwise, I would bid you a good night and a peaceful sleep.”