Nothing good comes without loss

He hadn't done a good job, and Chan knew that in the very same moment that silence overtook the air after he finished speaking his last poor word. What they wanted for their lives seemed to be so widely separate, but there had to be a way to bridge them all the same, right? Right?

Nash spoke and his older brother hung on each word. Promised? Confusion swept over his features briefly, until it hit him, cold and deep within his chest as though a blade had entered. Just like with Lila. He could feel the blood drain from his cheeks as he realized, fucking again, that he was at fault.

"I didn't..."

He almost spoke the same words as he had to his friend, but caught himself and tried, clumsily, to shift gears.

"That's not... Nash this isn't... leaving you."

Desperation was creeping into his eyes and voice, because all that could rescue this now would be Nash's understanding. And if he didn't, Chan wouldn't be able to blame him.

Nash didn't understand. It was like he couldn't make his brain work. The idea of Chan leaving, of his brother being gone, was so odious he simply couldn't comprehend why. If he didn't do anything, if Chan had dedicated himself to Sanguine Cove, and now he was going...

And he was claiming he wasn't leaving him? How did that make sense?

"How is it not?" he asked miserably, trying to throw heat into the words and failing. "You just said..." Nash swallowed and looked away. Why was everything suddenly spinning around him?

When he spoke again his voice seemed very small. "Are you ever going to come back?

That was the catch, wasn't it? They were defining leaving differently. It felt as those Nash would feel left behind regardless of Chan's intentions, and given the past, he couldn't be blamed for that. At all. Chan should've known better, should have handled this so much more deftly but he'd gotten so used to coasting, to letting everything to do with his own life just fall into place on it's own accord. It had worked well for him out in the world, but the mountain top had always been different.

"Of course," he answered, voice as earnest as he could muster.

"It won't ever be so long again in between, either. I'm sorry, I-," I thought you'd be fine, better off even; Chan certainly hadn't foreseen any of the strife that had plagued his family after his departure.

"I know better now."

The final sentence was quietly spoken.

Sorry for the short one. Another post or two and then archive?

Nash recognized the way Chan's face twisted as he thought, but he struggled to accept what that might mean. Maybe his big brother didn't actually want to leave him, but the hurt thundering through Nash's brain made it hard for him to recognize anything else.

He was saying he wouldn't be gone so long, but he didn't promise. How could someone promise something like that? Unexpected things happened. That's why they were unexpected.

Nash looked away and his ears twitched. "Right," he said quietly. It was necessarily disbelieving, but he didn't know what else he could say.

Chan wasn't sure what he expected from Nash now. It wasn't like any string of words would magically erase the other wolf's anxieties, and knowing that made the older brother feel, in a sense, like spending more breath would be wasteful. Of course, turning his back on his upset sibling was a far more appalling. So... how the hell to move forward?

He stood awkwardly in the silence, clearly uncomfortable and unsure what to do next.

"... I'm sorry Nash. I know it'll take time. I just... I hope you'll give it to me."

The elder Eastfall at last said. He moved toward the left, making clear that if Nash wanted him to go now, he would.

He didn't know what to do, what to think. He couldn't seem to focus; it was like the ground had suddenly heaved beneath his feet. Was this how his father had felt right before the mountain carried him to his death? Betrayed by the very earth he walked on?

Nash barely registered what his brother was saying and merely grunted at him before turning slightly away and muttering something about water before slowly meandering away. He needed to get away, go... Somewhere. He needed to go somewhere and put the pieces of himself back together.