Sanguine Cove There's no greater loss

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

@Aquene Back dated to 5/17 <3

The sun was just beginning to rise above the peaks, blanketing the hidden valley in its warmth. The cove's oldest member shook the water from her pelt sending it back to lake nearby. Her large maw picked up the catfish she had spent the last two hours hunting. She very much enjoyed fishing, even more so as she aged and wasnt as quick on land. The quiet was calming for the Eastfall woman, allowing her to clear her head and reflect. It also provided her with variety of food, a much needed break from the gaminess of land prey. She was proud of this catch, the catfish being roughly four or five pounds. It was one of the larger catches she had successfully caught in a while. It was perfect for its intended patron, the young inky girl who was ravenous from giving birth. Once most of the water was removed from her pelt, Moonshadow picked up her catch and made her way to see the new mother.

The last week had been difficult for the cove wolves. The joy of their first pup being born met with the saddest loss in her opinion - the loss of a pup. Moon wanted to check on the girl in depth but hadn't pried knowing Aquene would need time. Sadly she knew the feeling all too well. While Chan was her first born to most wolves, he is actually a true middle child, he was born third of his litter. The two children delivered before him never took their first breaths and the memory haunts their mother. It was a feeling she would never ever wish upon her worst enemy let alone someone she had grown close to, loved, and considered to be family. It was the greatest loss anyone could experience in her opinion.

It wasnt long before the aging woman reached her destination. Moving quietly near the den's entrance she set her prize down and let out a quiet whine. She didn't want to wake the sleeping mother and child if they were asleep but if they weren't she wanted to alert her of her presence. Moving away Moonshadow laid a few lengths away to wait. If Aquene was sleeping, Moon would take the fish to the nearby cache to ensure no scavengers got ahold of it. If she was awake and up for it the onyx Eastfall would love to check in with her.

Word Count: 000

But I put it out of my mind Long enough to call it courage To live without a lifeline

Birthing had been about as exhausting as she had expected. It had been laborious, hence the very idea of being in labor, and at the end of it, only half of the litter she had carried had survived. It was hard for her to motivate herself to do much of anything other than lay there and stare at the child that had survived, to look over Kateri and ensure that she survived to see her first, second, even third birthday… to look over her until the day that Aquene herself passed. She hadn’t seen many visitors, but that was mostly because she hadn’t been looking or paying attention to any visitors that might have come by.

At least, she tried not to… she heard the quiet whine and quickly identified it as the caring Eastfall matriarch. She let out a small woof in return to let her know that it was okay that she approach. She was one of the few that Aquene could not and would not turn away if she wished to see her or her child. She shifted slightly, watching to make sure that the ebony bundle of fur sleeping at her stomach did not stir in the process. She was blessed to see that she stayed asleep. “Kateri is sleeping.” She rasped quietly to alert the other woman to keep her volume down as well as to keep it that way. She offered the woman a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She wasn’t sure it was possible for it to reach her eyes ever again.

She’d been tackling this gripping sense of failure, mixing together with the grief that she felt as a mother… it had been quickly spiraling, pressing down on her and suffocating her, haunting her in her dreams. Her sleep had not been so restful since she gave birth, and she blamed the demons that had taken her son for that too. She still wasn’t sure what she had done, or how she had failed that this had happened, and while there was a part of her that was looking for answers. There was a part of her that… simply didn’t want to know.

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

A quiet woof came from the darkness within the den, signaling the aging woman that she could approach. Quietly getting up, Moon moved to the den entrance, going in just enough so that she could see Aquene and little Kateri. The younger inky mother notified the other that the pup was asleep. Moon nodded at the new mother taking note of her tired smile. She knew the feeling all too well despite having occurred years ago. Though it would haunt her 'til the end of her days. Her heart sank at the realization that this young innocent girl would also carry that same weight. Mercury orbs finished adjusting to the darkness as she laid within the entrance of the den. "How ya doin'?" the greying woman asked in a whisper. She wanted to make sure the younger inky female was doing alright overall, both mentally and physically. Giving birth on its own is pretty stressful let along also losing a child on top of it.

Word Count: 000

But I put it out of my mind Long enough to call it courage To live without a lifeline

The question felt like a loaded one, a sad smile cast in her direction acting as an answer for a few moments before she let out a soft sigh. “I’m keeping my head above water.” That was just about all she could say. She felt responsible, both as a mother and a healer, for her failings. She was tired all the time, and above all responsible for a little life she didn’t think she should be responsible for because clearly, in her mind, she simply wasn’t very good at this. It was a heavy weight to rest on her chest, and it had been there for so long.

Her eyes drifted back down to Kateri for a moment, that soft smile on her features. “It’s just been… hard.” She wasn’t good at talking about her feelings, and she was used to offering her ears to others rather than burdening them with her own thoughts, so she simply left it at things had been hard. It had been hard to eat, hard to sleep… but she did it, if only for Kateri’s sake. That little bundle of fur at her belly was the one thing keeping her going right now, and that was truly no secret.

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

Moon knew the question was a loaded one, one that could lead to a number of responses and reactions. So when a small smile was casted followed by a small sigh the older ebony female wasnt surprised. Her silver dusted ears laid back atop her skull as the younger girl admitted she was keeping her head above water. Empathy raged within her as she knew exactly what Aquene meant behind her words. A few more moments so silence went by as both mothers looked upon Sanguine's first bundle of joy. Aquene then admitted that it had been hard and it was Moon's turn let out a sigh. Her mercury gaze moved from Kateri to her mother. "It is hard - it feels like ya cant breathe at times, like the world cant possibly keep turnin'." She explained with empathy clear in her gaze. "But bein' able to watch her grow up and flourish will make it bearable." The loss of a child never goes away, never gets easier, but it does become easier to manage. Watching her other children grow and thrive has allowed her to manage the loss of her first and second born. She hoped watching Kateri would help Aquene through her loss.

Word Count: 000

But I put it out of my mind Long enough to call it courage To live without a lifeline

It plagued her thoughts, and she wasn’t sleeping all that well because of it. When she did manage to sleep, it haunted her dreams and she was restless… so much so that she felt more exhausted somehow when she woke up. Still, she knew if anyone could help her and give her the advice to continue on, it was Moon. She knew this pain and this loss. “I can’t stop wondering if there was something I could have done… if I had somehow done this.” She admitted softly as she cast her gaze down at her daughter sleeping peacefully at her belly, safe from the dangers of the world for now though she was painfully aware of the fact that she would not be forever.

She hoped Moon was right. She hoped this hole in her chest would close soon enough… that it would become bearable so she could function the way that she knew she should as a healer… but it was difficult. “She’s the only way I’ve been able to ease the pain… helping her, watching over her.” Her tone was softened, barely audible to the other mother, and the mother figure of hers since she had arrived at the Cove. “I just keep thinking about how he should have been growing up alongside her.”

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

The dark new mother quietly said that she couldnt help but wonder if she had caused the death of her child. Moon knew all too well that feeling of guilt. It still plagued her all these years later, almost every time she looked at @Chan. She couldnt help but wonder who her first born son and daughter would have turned into. And deep in her heart she knew the most likely moment she lost them...

Though despite losing them the inky Eastfall was more than grateful that Chan had survived and she has been able to see him grow into the wonderful man that he is. "Though the reason is unknown, sometimes the gods call them back before we can meet them, but not before we can love them with all our hearts." Moonshadow didnt know the first thing about the motives of higher beings - or if there really were any - but it brought her some peace to believe they were among gods, safe, happy, and among family. Moon's silver gaze once more fell on the cove's tiniest member as her eyes began to mist. "Sometimes I imagine Chan standin' with his littermates. I try to imagine how they'd look 'n sound. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder..." she explained her voice just as soft and hushed as her companions. Her gaze lifted from Kateri to Aquene "Even though he's not physically here, his spirit remains with both of ya. He'll always be with her, lookin' out for her, 'n he'll always be with ya." Moonshadow thought back when Chan had fallen off a cliff and had nothing more than a broken leg. It brought her comfort to think that his siblings and her family had been looking out for him that day.

Word Count: 000

But I put it out of my mind Long enough to call it courage To live without a lifeline

Aquene could not think of one thing in particular that might have caused her son to never have the breath of life. She had not been ill when pregnant, nor had she been injured or in a fight… which meant the responsibility felt like solely her own. Had she been too busy? Had her work somehow caused it? Had the regular presence around herbs she knew could be toxic if eaten affected anything? She had no way to know for sure, and it somehow made that guilt worse, which she hadn’t thought possible truly.

Moonshadow’s words did little to help her… but they did help. It was true, sometimes it was simply not meant to be, but she still strived on facts and logic and wanted to know what fact had kept him from joining the world with his sister. Her ears drooped slightly as the sadness rang in her eyes and over her features. Her eyes were damp, listening as Moonshadow told her about her daydreams… it seemed the spitting image. “I picture it too, two little chocolate forms running around… Kateri and Peyter wrestling with one another, seeing their first snow together…” It was those daydreams where she found herself both happiest and saddest, such a bittersweet charity to be blessed with those images.

She took that moment to glance down at her daughter, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest as if she needed to assure herself that she was still breathing. “I know that… I promise I know that, it’s just so hard sometimes, for him to not be physically here where he belongs.” In her mind, her son deserved to have a life, and had belonged with them. The gods had been cruel to take him from the world before he ever had a chance to experience it.

I think I need help, cuz I'm drowning in myself

Wanna fade with your next post? <3

Her heart ached with such pain, it was like she was right back to the best and worst day of her life. The new mother described her twins running and playing and seeing their first snow together, it brought about the same memory she had herself. Moonshadow knew the pain all too well and wanted so badly to take it from Aquene so she wouldn't have to suffer. Sadly, there was no such ability to take another's pain away. Moon tried to assure her that Peyter was going to be with Kateri no matter what and while the younger woman acknowledged that she knew but that it was so hard for him to not be there physically. "I know love, I know..." She whispered with a small whine as she simply laid her head on her paws. Moon knew that no matter what she tried to say nothing would ease the burden. Silver orbs flicked between the new mother and daughter. New life was so precious and fragile, to have it taken was cruel. But for those that survived, it was life's greatest gift.

Word Count: 000

But I put it out of my mind Long enough to call it courage To live without a lifeline

She knew the other woman understood. She had to because she had been through the same thing. She had to know how to fix this gaping hole that felt like it had been left in her chest. She assured her with a soft whine, and Aquene laid her head down as well, eyes glued to the new life that had survived. Kateri had to survive, because she could not take feeling this loss again… not when the loss of one already consumed every fiber of her being… what else was there for her to do other than hope and pray that her daughter stay healthy and strong as she mourned the loss of her son?

Fade