Willow Ridge debriefing

Internally, making such an admission crushed him. He had been so glad to see Avella, at first. So hopeful for what this might bring, but.. he could not stay. It would not be fair to him, to Avella, nor to the rest of the pack, if he was not completely dedicated to their cause. Something he could never be, now, if he did not agree with said cause.

The huff of annoyance from his leader was not lost, but it morphed into surprise as she posed a few questions. She did not understand. He had not wanted to elaborate, but.. he doubted he would be able to avoid giving some kind of explanation for very long.

”Yes. This is your home, not mine.. and it seems it can never be.” At this point, Al was not sure he could ever find another place like his home. With leaders and members holding beliefs that were the same or similar to those he held. ”I do.. disagree with your reasoning, and your actions. I was raised to think, and still believe that, among other things, a child has a right to know both its mother and father. I do not think I could fully respect or devote myself to any leader or pack that would deprive a child of what is, to me, a fundamental right. And that would not be fair to you, or the pack.” It had changed how he saw her, Avella was right about that. And not in a good way, unless she had been keeping her pups' father a secret and somehow decided to reveal it. Which did not seem likely, for it was not his right to know of such things, either.

With his head bowed as he made the admission, Al did not dare to look up. Though she had once asked for his commitment to honesty, he did not know how Avella would react to this. Alarick, at least, though, hoped to convey that he did not wish to challenge or undermine her. This was his belief, and while he would not surrender his beliefs to anyone, it was not something he wanted to bind anyone else to, either. Not that it mattered now.

Therefore, he felt the only solution to a dilemma that was entirely his own was his departure. ”If you would prefer I leave now, I understand.” By now, that was his expectation. Were he Avella, faced with this news and lack of respect, Alarick would probably send himself away, too.

Avella wanted an explanation for this sudden decision to leave on Alaricks part. She'd believed that it would be awhile before he left if at all. He'd still not made a solid decision about it or if he had he hadn't spoken to her. The only conclusion she could come up with in her head was that it did have to do with what shed done. No matter the confusion she felt at this sudden change of heart one thing was clear. They needed to get to the bottom of things. It wouldn't do either of them of the pack any good to let it fester.

Ultimately her duty was to the pack and what was best for them. All of this is what led to her not letting this go. She couldn't have one of their numbers with one paw over the border and not doing the best that they could for the pack. So she sat back on her haunches and waited to hear his explanation.

As he started to speak the only thing that came to mind was thst he'd lied to her. He'd formed his judgement of her and what she'd done. That bugged her but she heard him out anyway. She remained thoughtful for a moment after he'd finished. Finally she settled on a way to address this. "Have I not always asked for the opinions of my packmates whether they are in line with what I think or not?" She asked sincerely. After all how could they as a pack work through anything if they weren't completely honest with each other. Avella hadn't ever wanted those under her to just agree with her because she was leader. Sure she had the final say but what if they had better ideas.

"I don't intend to deprive my children of anything they need Alarick. I never had the intention of doing such things. I have a mother and father that I love very much. However, I do not believe a mateship is absolutely necessary for a child to have everything they need including a mother and father. Sure it might be ideal but I don't see anyone jumping to be my mate." She was doing her bestnto remain calm in explaining all of this but she was irritated with the fact that he'd only passed judgement instead of just coming out and asking. In other packs it might not be his place but Avella didn't see it as such.

"My reason might have started out for the pack but I'm not getting any younger Alarick. I realize through this that I want to be a mother and I think I would be a damn good mom." It had her some time to come to this conclusion but she grew more confident everyday.

She nearly balked at what he said next, "No, I prefer that you don't leave at all," she stated matter-of-factly, "I want us to be able to work this out." Did their friendship mean anything to him anymore?

His leader, of course, took the opportunity to explain a few things in turn. She did not believe mateship was necessary to give kids everything they needed - wrong, a loving relationship between parents provided a warmer and better environment for children, anything else could complicate it and cause unneeded drama. Nobody had jumped to be her mate - did she even try to look?

She was not getting any younger and thought she would be a good mom - undoubtedly true, but not an excuse. She appeared agitated, understandably so, but he was surprised to find she did not immediately bare her fangs and ask him to leave. He disagreed with most of it, and it only cemented his choice, despite Avella’s surprising statement that she would prefer he stay, and work this out. But despite that disagreement, he did understand, and he certainly had not come here to argue.

Alarick recalled his meeting with Sharlee, the things they had discussed, and his thoughts at that time. Some of them, many of them, echoed what Avella told him now. With a breath, the former hunter brought his gaze up to face the leader. ”I am sorry, Avella, but I do not think we can. I can understand your point, see your position. I may not agree.. but I do respect you for doing what you believe is right and necessary. But it is.. more than that, for me.”

While he did not intend to ever act out of a sense of desperation due to age, or anything else, Alarick could not deny he had thought about many of the same hopes and concerns Avella had voiced. ”I am not getting any younger, either, and there are things I want, too. Like.. my own family, and I cannot have that, here.” It was not his home, his family, or his right. Not with Avella, Scully, and who knew how many others outranking him.

Al realized now he had been wrong to think he could ever substitute anything for that. Nothing could ever really provide him the same sense of purpose or fulfillment he had once had with his family, or what he might have with kids of his own. That was no fault of Avella’s, or anyone. He did not want, nor did it seem fair to the pack, for him to stay if his heart would never be wholly committed to it. But even so.. he owed them. ”You helped me when I needed it, and for that I will be forever grateful. But, if I am ever to find true happiness, for me.. I believe my only choice is to leave, be it now, or.. later.” This was spoken softly, laden with sorrow, something of an apology.

He would stay if Avella needed him. At least through the summer, but come the end of that, and it would be time to depart.

Avella had hoped that by explaining herself to Alarick that it might help him to understand. The last thing she wanted was for her choices to damage theor friendship to where it could not be repaired. She hoped that he might understand her choices and see things through her eyes and then in the end they could work things out.

Avella felt that now as leader things were different for her. She had a pack to look out for and keep safe. She was the one who had to make the choices that would ensure their success and keep them from failure. It was her duty to make the hard decisions. That was what she'd done and matter what Alarick thought of her she didn't regret them.

Disappointment filled the matriarch as Alarick spoke, apologizing for the fact that he didn't think they could work things out. As much as the leader wanted to be angry she knee she couldn't. He had his beliefs and she had hers it was as simple as that. She couldn't fault him for that. "I'm sorry you feel that we can't work this out Alarick. I understand your beliefs keep you from agreeing with what I did and I can't nor will I try to change them. It saddens me that our friendship has been affected by this but I stand by what I did."

That wasn't all that he had to say. She wouldn't deny that everything he said made sense. She listened to his desires for his life but the end caused her brow to furrow some. "Why can't you have a family here?" She asked because she was curious where his mind was on this particular subject. She didn't ever remember stating anything about such things. Perhaps she hadn't been clear enough in her words. Avella had given this subject quite a lot of thought and had made a decision. However, as always her decisions were based on the pack akd what was happening within it.

She offered him a small smile as he spoke of being grateful for what she'd done for him. "You know that I was happy to be in a position to help you Alarick. Know that you came to be an important part of my life. However, if you must go I understanding needing to find your own happiness. All I ask is that you stay on a little longer at least?" She would need to find someone to replace him so that their numbers didn't dwindle too much.

It seemed, at the very least, that the two of them had come to sort of an understanding. They disagreed on certain things, but Avella’s reception of this had been far warmer than Al had anticipated. That was why he had respected her so greatly, and why he still did, in many ways. Her particular choice of words caused him to frown a bit.

”I would still like to consider you a friend,” the former hunter offered tentatively. ”A very good one. Just.. one whose fate has called her down a path different from mine.” At least, that was how he saw it. There was a distinction between Avella the leader, and Avella his friend. The latter, he did not want to lose.

Her subsequent inquiry was one that caught him just a little off guard. He arched a thoughtful brow but took a moment to consider it. Was she implying what he thought? Perhaps.

”I suppose believe I could not have a family here because you, and your brother, have first rights. I assumed one of, or perhaps both of you, would want to act on that.” That was one reason, which it appeared perhaps, was debatable. Though he doubted that would be the case, come next spring. He was sure one, or both, of Scully and Avella, would desire children again.

”Then, what you said about there uh, not being a lot of options, is true, too. There seem to be.. even fewer eligible mates to choose from, for me. I cannot really foresee that changing.” Avella did have a point with that. It still was not a justifiable excuse or reason, in his opinion, but her point remained valid. It was also, arguably easier to find a random man for a one-night stand than it was to find someone to commit.

”And even if those things were not a concern, though,” which was a big if, ”this is still not my home. My family and I had a connection to our homeland. A sacred, spiritual connection, as I believe you do, here.” This was Avella’s ancestral home, so he did not doubt she understood that, too.

”I guess it would not feel right, to be anywhere else. I miss my friends. My siblings, my mother, and my father, if they still walk this earth. I feel my connection to them and memories of them fading every day. Now all I can share with them anymore is.. the stars in the night sky. I have to try to find them, again.” And he hated that. Even their voices, which he had heard so many times, he was beginning to forget. He had to keep searching for a way home, even if he did not know where to begin.

He nodded in response to her subsequent question about his remaining for a while, the gesture not at all hesitant. ”I will stay for a few more months at least, if need be. You will always be important to me, too. And I really do wish you the very best.” He spoke. Even with their differing viewpoints, it felt important to emphasize that.

Then, something struck him. What he had said before, and in an instant, his demeanor changed, from solemn, to beyond joyful.

”Wait. What a fool I’ve been. The stars...” he breathed. ”Avella, that’s it! I can use the stars to navigate, and find my way home!” Heavens above, how had he been so stupidly oblivious to that for all this time!? The solution to his woes had been right there, staring him in the face almost every night for the last year, but he had been too caught up in his own self-pity to realize it.

Despite the shame he was sure to feel at some point, because of that, he could not help feeling like a giddy child again, one that was just about to be taken along on his first hunt, or something. Unable to contain himself, the former hunter bounced to his paws, a wide grin spreading across his countenance in spite of all they had discussed. Now that there was a light at the end of his tenure here with Avella, and not just more hopeless wandering.