This natural selection picked me out to beKarpos SlayerA dark horse running in a fantasyIt was so strange for him to hear the name and know that she was not eager to see him but the other ward of the Keep. A small amount of sadness had filled him when he remembered how close they use to be. Back in Nomads Pass and even before Aponi and Mercy had been lost in the storm. They use to sleep right next to each other every night before Karpos would wake and find it difficult to fall back to sleep. He was not afraid to admit the truth to himself as he looked at her, still weak but the strongest fae he ever met. He was being replaced. She didn't need him to look after her. She had a new guardian to protect her if the times called for it because Karpos had failed. It stung his heart to realize that he had failed to be with her when she needed him to be. She had been almost dead when he found her and while yes he did help bring them home it wasn't he who kept them alive. Mercy had saved her. He drew a small and almost silent breathe as if about to speak when she posed him with a question. Where was Mercy? It only further made his heart sting. She had no idea.
He still felt something for her, but she didn't appear to be as responsive or at least she didn't show it. He answered in a withdrawn voice, obviously lost or hurt or something of this emotion he had never felt. "I thought I saw him and The Silver Dagger walking around earlier." He felt the pain flow to his eyes as she answered his question like a distracted pup. A dismissive tone in her voice only furthered the pain until all this thought processes had collapsed inside his mind. He was so frustrated as he asked himself one of the most important questions of his life. What had happened when she had been gone? He just remembered going out and searched for them almost daily but being bound by duty to Aponi's father to return and keep a constant watch on the borders. He had been pulling his weight despite his need to go and find the ward and the princess. She rose and left the den and he staid still. He was not needed and so he just curled up in the back corner of the den. What was it like to lose someone but not lose them the way he was use to?
He felt as if he lost her at that moment. Every day the pup had woken up in the hopes of making her smile or laugh. He had hoped to make her father happy, her mother too just to impress her. Sure honor, duty, all the shit his father taught him had played an important role in it, but Karpos had done it mainly to try and impress her without her noticing. He felt like some shadow stalking a victim he could never get his paws on. He loved her. He had been so scared to admit it and he knew that his emotions for her had developed too fast, especially when she showed no interest in him. He should have given up sooner but something had prevented him from doing so... just what? That was his question. What was holding him back from dropping it all? Was it something similar to what he had felt for his father? Shade was his father and Karpos would love him forever. After the chocolate pup was to pass, hopefully far away in the future, Karpos would have an eternity with his father in the stars. But for now he had to focus on the present.
His paws were out in front of him as he was sitting there frozen in the corner. He wouldn't move, blocking out the world and focusing on the questions. How long would he stay inside the fearful state? He wasn't an intrepid wolf but he was too afraid to admit when he was afraid which was, overall, his biggesst downfall as he remembered just another disappointment he had led himself up to. His mother had been his first disappointment and by far the least effecting one he had received since his birth. He couldn't get over the fact that his mother had left her children alone to die. He didn't care what reasons she had, she had left and that was all he cared about. He wished her dead, prayed that it had happened every night since she had abandoned him for the second time. Then there was his father, not a disappointment but still as affecting as a disappointment. His father had been foolish enough to go over the mountains towards known enemies and now he rested under Karpos' favorite log on the former territory of Pitch Pine Trail.
There were many more that were insignificant to the major few. The next was his sister. His sister had run away from the Trail and while he did not blame her he was shocked and it stung that she thought he had abandoned her to die for only her Uncle Ace to find her. Anastasia was a loss, not a disappointment as she had disappeared from his grasp, and was, as far as he knew, dead. He hadn't been able to say goodbye and it saddened him. As he went through the long list of pains, he suddenly came to a anagnorisis, the critical moment of recognition that plunged his mind into deeper turmoil. Every time he got close to a wolf, they let him down, at least once if not more. He wanted to howl away his rage and sadness but he couldn't. He couldn't let the Keep wolves know about the sadness and anger of the ward who, as he quoted Sir Mapplethorpe, 'showed much promise as a guardian'. He wasn't sure what he could believe and what he could not. All he knew was that he wasn't ready for any of it. "I thought we would have forever." He whispered as he stared a Aponi from his lonely corner in the pack den. Sadness took another rip at him as he added another sadness and disappointment to the book. He had this opinion in his mind. He had lost her.