Sacred Grove Sleep Dealer

you say i'm not alone

There she went again, admitting her fault and it made it the pedestal that had always held her up in his mind chip and crack further. It was about to shatter, and he couldn't tell if it would make everything easier or ruin the world completely for him. Part of him wanted @Sahalie here with him now, to support him and to help him see clearly as she had time and time again. A larger part of him wanted to run back to the Ridge, to collect @Attica and leave with her, to never see any of them again, even the girl that had been nothing but sunshine against his bleakness. If it was just the two of them, if he escaped all the attachment and responsibility he felt toward this pack and these wolves, then perhaps they would both be safe from all the havoc they insisted on wreaking against his heart.

She would want that, wouldn't she? He'd done his best to be her windbreaker, her shield against all of their fake smiles and turned backs, but still they'd both been orphaned. They hadn't talked about it, but she had to know of the venom that existed amongst all the others. Who wouldn't want to get away from it? The only antidote was a mountain away and he feared her still.

I'm proud of you.

That single admission stopped his heart completely. When was the last time he'd been told that? How long had he waited to hear it from his own mother? That was what he'd wanted, from the day she left. For her to come back and see that he'd been such a good boy, that if she stayed she'd never be disappointed in him, he'd never misbehave. He'd done his best not to blame himself, he'd made a villain out of @Rook and the Hollow, had spit venom at the rest of his packmates, but it had been there deep down, the possibility that she'd gone because he wasn't a worthy son.

A sob shook his chest, but he was pulling away from her, paws pushing against the slush numbly. He wanted to turn and run then and there, but then she made a horrid sound and at last he opened his eyes to see her face twisted with the pain of her cough. He hated the concern that rose up like bile into his throat.

"Is that why you're back? Are you sick?"

His voice was hollow, scratchy as his lungs labored. He wanted her to say yes so that he could stop holding back the anger and still he wanted his mother to tell him no, that she was in perfect health and would not leave him again so soon. Why couldn't his heart decide? The dissonance was tearing him apart and anyone could see it in his eyes. His heart was not a tzedakah, but she'd always been regarded on a different plateau than the others, and he still couldn't tell if she deserved it or not. He just wanted the hurting to stop.

but i am petrified

@Sven This is short, I'm sorry :c I can feel a cold coming on so my muse is half dead

She felt him pull away and she heard his voice. It hurt. She hurt. Surely he hurt.

"Is that why you're back? Are you sick?"

"S-sick? Maybe." She truthfully didn't know. Was it the emotions or had the winter snuck a cold onto her? There was another cough. She wanted to lay down. Close her eyes and maybe let him leave. When she awoke she could convince herself this was all one bad dream. The dream where instead of the ghost hovering close to her it came up to her face. Held her by the scruff and violently shook reality at her. This ghost, Sven, wasn't shaking her though. He was gentle. Maybe too gentle for everything she felt like she deserved.

Her paws stumbled and she took a seat. "I think I'm just a little weak. It's just the winter." Her head hung rather shameful. The pale woman's one ear laid flat against her head and she closed her eyes. Her lungs partially struggled to get a deep breath down. "I'm okay." Her voice gentle and soft. She was almost unsure if Sven might even hear her.

# C W T

Maybe? His ears cupped forward, at opposition with the rest of him as his head dipped down and he had to fight to keep his eyes on her. He didn't want her to be sick. He wanted her to be healthy, he wanted her to be safe. He wanted her to stick around, but he hated the thought of her coming home with him now. Because what he wanted, what he really really wanted and couldn't let go over no matter how long it had fucking been was for her to just never leave him that night and be the mother he had so desperately needed her to be. It was why he was so useless right now, so utterly frozen with indecision, because he couldn't let go of what could never be.

Sven had never been taught how to move on.

Even with her reassurances he felt she needed care. A few deep breaths kept it all from overwhelming him, and he closed his eyes once more.

Inhale, exhale.

He fought to clear his mind, to beat away the stormclouds raging through his head and chest. Breath by breath, pulling from that pit of strength that had always been his only ever saving grace, he was able to slowly succeed.

When his eyes opened again, their molten silver was cleared of the pollutants it had carried before.

"I know a hollow nearby, its under an old oak. I want you to rest there, and I'll bring you food."

His voice was relatively soft, but without leaving room for dissension.

@Sven thinking we could wrap this up? I'm fine with my post working as a fade or you can tack on one more sven post to end?

Perhaps if she had never come down here he'd be fine. He wouldn't have to witness his mother in poor emotional condition. But maybe she had done something good by coming back. Had he wondered if she was still alive? Did it really matter? She supposed not. They were here now and in this moment that was all that matter. If the mountain wanted to crumble or the sky disappeared she wouldn't care. Her grown boy was there in front of her being so kind despite all she'd done wrong.

She couldn't tell him no. She never could and she likely never would. "Okay." She whispered. "Thank you." Her tail hung low and she only stole brief glances at him. This wasn't what she wanted at all. She wanted to disappear again and only see him as the white light in her dreams. The pale female had grown comfortable with the distance that was always there. Having him so close was both a blessing and a curse. There were things she might have asked had the situation been different.

Piety would play along for now. Follow him to the hollow and eat. But once she was sure he had distanced himself again she'd slip away. She'd keep her ritual of always being gone.

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