Kingsfall My Heart of Stone

For @Chan <3
Dated: 6/16

When the fire’s burned,
when the wind has blown,
when the water’s dried,
you’ll still find stone.
- Heart of Stone, SIX the Musical

 

There had been three of them. Small and dark and completely lifeless. She had been forced to bring them into the world, knowing in her heart that they were already dead, yet hoping beyond hope that a miracle might happen. Just one. But her prayers had gone unanswered, yet again. She’d left it up to Chan to take care of them, wanting simply to forget that they’d ever existed at all. Like that was possible.

 

Since then she’d hardly left the den, taking only the most necessary treks to the lake for water, whenever the thirst got bad enough to beat out the grief. Though she hadn’t entirely stopped eating, food had become a lot less enticing, and she’d lost weight – more so than was normal, nor advisable after birth, especially with wounds to heal as well. And they had been slow to do so, especially the stub of ear she still had left, but it seemed to be getting there, finally.

 

For all this time, Chan had been her only solace. While she refused to talk specifically about their loss, his presence still brought comfort in itself. For a large part, he shared this with her, his grief as deep and as real as hers; and the guilt, well, that she couldn’t know, though in her eyes, it was all on her alone. Still, having him there made her able to carry on, and after a while, she was even able to talk with him, almost as they used to. She had a long way yet, in getting back to the world and being able to face the others. It still felt to her like the world had broken, and the fact that anyone else could carry on in it as they had before was completely incomprehensible.

(This post was last modified: Feb 09, 2023, 03:15 AM by Flair.)

Chan's confidence in what he wanted had faded gradually as he'd brought the orphaned child to the Expanse, and only continued to deteriorate as he made the trip between @Finley's den to Flair's. By the time he'd made his way back home, to the small den his friend had claimed to rear the children that had barely been, he wasn't even sure it was something worth bringing up. It wasn't the same as having them back, could never be the same.

The world was permanently fractured, and he had been foolish to think he could ever begin to fix it.

He crouched down at the mouth of the burrow, 'knocking' in his usual manner by wiggling his inky nose over the threshold and giving a soft huff.

"Heya. Up for company?"

 

Her back was to the entrance, to the entire world, eyes closed though sleep eluded her. Still she heard his approach, eyes flattening back at the sound and shoulders tensing a little. As long as she was alone, she could almost forget, hide herself from the reality and sink into the numbness. With him there, she was forced to accept the reality, to actually feel the grief still so heavy in her heart.

 

So, when he uttered his soft question, she paused for a second. Part of her wanted to turn him away, to reject the realities he brough with him and continue wallowing – a large part. But she also knew it couldn’t last, that one way or another, the world would come crashing back, and then, she’d much rather have him there. We’re together in this, she reminded herself, not for the first time, that he was feeling and experiencing all the same horrors as her.

 

Taking a deep breath, she turned her head to face him, offering a pale, humorless smile. “Since it’s you,” she replied, a pale echo of her usual snark. But her tail tapped the ground softly, proving she was honestly happy to see him. In the end it was better than being alone.

(This post was last modified: Jul 30, 2022, 01:19 AM by Flair.)

Chan's smile was apologetic as he wriggled his way into the den. He moved cautiously, forever taking Flair's lead. When he felt she would allow it, he sought silent comfort from her (and hopefully provided some in return). When he felt they'd tread too close to fragile ground, he steered them away. When he felt she'd had her fill of him altogether, he took his leave even though being alone was, for him, far worse. As much as he felt, he could only imagine she hurt more.

She was the one who had been attacked. She was the one who carried them, and felt them die within her. She was the one who'd had to give birth regardless.

Chan lay down upon his stomach beside her, and leaned in to rest his jaw atop her shoulders. Unfortunately, Flair was also the only wolf able to give him true solace. She was the only one he could trust not to ask questions, meaning he didn't have to wear a mask around her and could instead simply be. She had been able to expect the same from him in return; would he be breaching that now?

"I went up Mount Dire. Think I could sleep a whole week..."

He was hesitating.

(This post was last modified: Sep 05, 2022, 09:32 PM by Eros.)

 

He was ever careful, and so tender, sometimes it was almost maddening! She knew he felt her same grief, her pain, that he sought her out to share those feelings, as she did him. But wasn’t he angry too? He had to be, he should be! Angry at the monster who’d taken their children away, and angry at her for letting it happen. Heaven only knows she was – blaming herself every day for putting herself in that situation, for that one small transgression years ago that had let to all of this. But Chan never showed her anything but love and understanding, and in her heart she cherished it, clinging to that kindness. She didn’t actually know what she would do with herself if he’d been angry.

She shuffled over as he entered, giving him more space. After all the den hadn’t been build to hold them both at once, though it was manageable without any smaller bodies to take up space between them. A painful thought that she pushed away instantly, stretching her neck out to rest her own chin on the floor in front of them, another deep sigh escaping her, though this time in content at his embrace.

She’d expected quiet company, simply sharing in each other’s presence without words. It’s what she preferred – talking always ran the risk of touching nerves. So, when he spoke, she felt herself tense for a moment, fearing a question, or just a sentiment that might set her off. But his words seemed innocuous enough and she relaxed again, voice soft as she asked: “Was’t worth it?” Figuring he had a story of some kind to tell, or he wouldn’t have brought it up.

(This post was last modified: Sep 14, 2022, 04:00 AM by Flair.)

Already he regretted bringing the matter up, but it was too late. Part of him felt that Flair deserved to know, for what if his expectations and assumptions were wrong? Then he would remind himself that he already made the decision for them both. The boy would belong to Finley, not them. Certainly not him.

Chan closed his eyes tight, and let silence blanket over them for a few moments before answering.

"I mean... yeah."

He was the worst.

"There was an orphan. Can't be more than a few weeks old. I took him to Fin."

One more round to fade? <3

 

The silence stretched for so long that she started to think he hadn’t heard her question. Eyes open ajar, Flair glanced sideways, one brow rising at the expression on Chan’s face. She had no way of knowing what was going through his head in that moment, what could have caused this sudden shift in his composure as he suddenly appeared reluctant to share his story. If he hadn’t brought it up she wouldn’t have asked, but he clearly had something to share.

A frown settled on the russet woman’s features as he started to speak, the tone of his voice and the strained nature of the words putting her instantly back on alert. Chan was usually so careful with his comments, she hardly ever felt triggered by anything he said – but this time was different!

It actually took a few moments for her to understand, confusion deepening the wrinkle between her brows. But when she did, the clarity opened her eyes wide, lips parting in a silent ‘oh’. What cruel irony. While she had locked herself away, mourning their loss, Chan had gone out and found a child, still living and in need of care. It might even seem a stroke of fate, nature bringing them together to make up for what it had stolen…

But Flair did not feel that way. All she could feel was pain. It was a relief to hear Chan had brought the pup to Finley, because the grieving mother did not know what she would have done, not right in that moment. What could she do for him, when she had already failed her own? What right did she have to a second chance? After much to long a silence, she finally answered, voice hardly more than a whisper; “So he’s… Good?” Landing somewhere between a question and a statement. What else could she say?

(This post was last modified: Dec 29, 2022, 10:57 PM by Flair.)

All at once it was out, and of course it was met promptly with silence. Chan knew better to expect anything in particular, but still it was only natural for his mind to try and anticipate all the same, spinning as she dealt with her own thoughts. When Flair did finally respond, the answer inspired conflicting emotions, but that had been the only guarantee. These weren't the kind of conversations that good ever came from, not for him.

"Yeah," he answered, all he had for her in return. He readjusted and settled again, this time more comfortably without the weight of a secret. He let out a deep breath, and dared to think of sleep. It was never restful, but he could still hope. Chan spoke a little easier now, moving past that point of possible contention to now give his friend a heads up of his plans.

"I'll be heading back to where I found him soon. I want to try and figure out what happened to his parents, if I can. Get as many answers as I can for 'im before they're all erased. I'll be back in less than a week."

(This post was last modified: Jan 18, 2023, 03:02 AM by Chan.)

She suddenly felt very tired – her body was still healing, and her heart hadn’t even started to. Chan’s news tore at what little precious mental strength she had left, eyes starting to sting with restrained tears; Why? Why couldn’t she embrace this? He was bringing a second answer to their shattered prayers, yet it only made her feel more empty. Maybe her attacker had done them a favor after all, as it seemed she wasn’t fit to be a mother.

At least Chan hadn’t lost his compassion. Not only had he saved a pup’s life, brought him to a family that would love him, but even now he spoke of doing all he could for the boy, finding him the answers to questions he might have in the future; Always thinking of everyone but yourself… It made her heart brim with warmth and then break all over again, knowing what they could have had, the promise she’d failed to keep.

Flair could only nod in answer, closing her eyes against the brimming tears. She felt small and weak next to him, not worthy of the warmth he shared with her. Yet she settled in closer, burying her face against his flank. Because she was selfish, and she needed the strength only he could give her.

Chan felt her shift, acknowledging his plans without speaking. He wished she were well enough to come with him, but she was the only company he would want. Given the reality he'd been dealt, he'd be quite content if he ran into absolutely no one unless they'd been responsible for the orphan's predicament. The Eastfall certainly hoped none of their Cove peers felt like drifting north anytime soon...

He tried not to think about that any further. It was hard to do, however, to not dread that moment when this too was no longer private, because he knew that it was inevitable. He could put it off, maybe even for years, but one day everyone would know exactly what had happened, even his family. Especially his family.

Chan did his best to focus on now instead, on how quiet it was except their breathing, on how safely tucked away from the world they currently remained, on the solidity of Flair's presence. At least he hadn't lost her, too. He was dearly grateful for that every day, and maybe it was a selfish relief. He couldn't imagine being here alone, grieving for her as well and without anyone who could understand, who would simply let him exist the way she would.

Another big breath, and he began the lengthy process of counting sheep...