Lost Lake Try to Hold on to the Time as it Passes

She’d never really thought about it before, but now that he said it out loud, Flair realized the truth of it. While they’d talked often enough, it was usually about the goings on of the pack, or other current events – most of what she knew about Chan and his past was what she’d picked up from the rest of his family. It had never bothered her before, and really, it still didn’t. She’d left her family to become someone new, keeping her past close to her chest even with her best of friends, she wasn’t about to blame him for doing the same.   Her eyes followed his, gazing out over the water, trying to take in the peace of it all, yet she couldn’t escape her own thoughts, circling those same ideas; Maybe there really is no way of escaping the past… It seemed Chan too was deep in thought, but in a very different lane. Russet ears perked as he spoke again, amber eyes glancing sideways, trying to gauge exactly what lay behind those words. He wasn’t wrong. Having lived a wandering life herself, Flair had known nothing but change – even after deciding to join the Cove it seemed things were determined to keep changing; But some things stay with you, no matter what…!   But maybe that was one thing they didn’t have in common, or at least Chan seemed like he was able to shake off his past, where she had never been able to. His words certainly indicated a very different disposition. Flair half sighed, half snorted, turning to face her friend again, searching his eyes, not knowing what for. “I wish I could do that,” she admitted; “Just take things as they come, never worry what’s next… Would make things a lot simpler.” Her gaze turned down then, where one paw was digging absently at the gravel; So much simpler…! ”Speech" Thoughts

dawnthieves.de, FairieGoodMother @DA & Lakela @DA

Chan peered back at her, lips finally reprising a smile as her words ended.

"Oh, I worry," he revised, unabashed about admitting such a thing. With so much out of their control, how could one not?

"I guess it feels better... accepting how little control you actually have rather than trying and trying in a losing battle."

Thought became him once more, gaze drifting away during the beat of silence before blinking back at her with a subdued realization.

"This sounds super fuckin' negative, doesn't it?"

His mouth spread wider now into a tooth-filled grin.

"D'ya know what you want to be next?"

She held back a snort; Chan, worry? It sounded ludicrous! But she believed him, even if he almost always seemed to be placid; Just proves there’s always more below the surface… In truth, it spoke in his favor, underlining his disposition even more, the ability to keep a positive outlook despite any anxieties.   As he continued, Flair found herself chewing her lip, ears sharply perked. She’d never thought of it that way, to focus on what was within her control and let what was without be as it may. Perhaps that was why she’d always struggled, wanting to keep hold of all the threads at once. But then, most of the time she felt like nothing was within her control.   His addition did make her snort, focusing back on his face as she returned the grin in full. “I don’t think so,” She supplied, shaking her head lightly. It actually sounded rather positive in her ears; Proves what a killjoy I am! But it didn’t make her feel bad exactly, just contemplative, wondering if it might be possible to let some of her worries go.   As such, the question took her by surprise, brows jumping high over her eyes as she looked back at her friend. It had come out so casually, yet hit so centrally, making her falter: “N-no… Not really…” She paused, pursing her lips, trying to find the right words to explain her tumultuous feelings; “Something… more? I don’t really know, it’s like… I’m happy here, with y’ guys,” She smiled at him, giving her nose a teasing wrinkle; “I never thought I’d enjoy bein’ in a pack, but now… I guess I’ve realized there’s still room for second chances, making my own family…” She cut herself off, feeling a sudden warmth shoot up in her cheeks; It wasn’t meant to come out like that…! Or was it? Confused, again, she turned down her eyes, right paw digging more vigorously into the whole she had created in the bank. She wanted to explain herself, but couldn’t think of the right words, so instead she remained quiet, hoping he understood, as he usually did. ”Speech" Thoughts

dawnthieves.de, FairieGoodMother @DA & Lakela @DA

For the first time in a long time, it felt like he was watching himself answer that very same question. He wouldn't have held it against her if she'd thrown him an I don't know, for it was more or less the conclusion he had reached for himself. As nebulous as her words seemed, he felt as though he was still understanding her perfectly. Given the ending of her answer, however, he wasn't about to make assumptions on the details.

"Second chances?" he asked, mismatched gaze bouncing over to her features only to find them downturn, her focus on the rutted snow. Those words stuck out to him, more than those which had caused her to stop herself. Did she feel as though more wasn't available to her?

Her ears flicked at the question, though her eyes remained down, thoughts still racing. She wanted to make sure that she had an answer that made proper sense, before she started speaking, not risking her tongue running ahead of her again. It wasn’t easy, putting words to her feelings, it never had been for the reclusive woman – even as a child, she had acted out rather than take the time to work through things with words; Perhaps that’s what the problem was…   Finally, she tore her eyes away from the snow, looking over at her friend with a small, slightly shaky smile. Her voice was soft but steady as she spoke: “I didn’t do very well with th’ whole family thing, first time ‘round… It’d be nice t’ give it another shot, some day.” She was in no rush, at least not right now. She’d found a family of sorts in Sanguine Cove, certainly one she felt much more at home with than she had anywhere else. And with the pups to keep them all busy, they were sure to all grow tighter in the coming seasons; And when spring rolls back around…? Well, she’d just have to wait and see. ”Speech" Thoughts

dawnthieves.de, FairieGoodMother @DA & Lakela @DA

Family can mean so many things, he thought as he looked back at her, wolfish brows emphatically tilted and eyes soft. He couldn't help but wonder if Flair had specifics in mind, if she was speaking of just a group that felt like family, of returning to her own blood, forming her own pack or having her own children. Did it matter? He felt there might be a different point, one she wasn't exactly voicing yet, just inching around.

Or maybe he was projecting, and strongly at that.

"But not here?" was the question he thought to ask that might guide him on whether their missing components were of the same ilk or not. Otherwise, why someday?

(This post was last modified: Feb 13, 2022, 11:38 PM by Eros.)

All her life, family had meant obligation, confinement. She’d had to deal with the fact that those she loved most wanted something from her that she couldn’t give; couldn’t simply accept her for who she was. She’d gone off on her own, assuming she would have to live like that for the rest of her life, that she wasn’t build for packs, or families or even friends. In Sanguine Cove she had learned differently, first with Chan, and then Al and the rest of them, taking her in and letting her be herself, without demands.   Looking at her friend now, she remembered the day they had first met, how she had offered him the same bitterness and distrust she’d learned to show everyone else, and he’d let it roll right off, seeing through her gruff exterior and giving her a chance. They all had, Al had seen her as an equal, just as much as his other compatriots, and even after her rejection last spring, he had welcomed her into the pack happily, remained her friend; So why isn’t that enough?   Chan’s question echoed her thoughts, reading them clearly in everything she’d said up until now. She bit her lip, frowning, but holding his gaze now as she considered her response. Why not here? The answer came slowly, hesitant at first as she was still finding the words: “Here… I can’t… This place is Al’s… And yours,” She nodded towards him, but then smile, almost teasingly, knowing how he’d planned to leave before Aleister got sick; “Or y’r family’s at least, Nash’s and Moon's…” Her expression grew serious again, eyes distant, even as she continued to look in his direction; “I’m… Just not sure there’s room for me…” She shrugged, finally looking down as a heavy sigh fell from her lips. Voice lower, she added down at the snow: “I keep feelin’ like something’s missing.” ”Speech" Thoughts

dawnthieves.de, FairieGoodMother @DA & Lakela @DA

Chan felt himself torn between understanding and disagreeing with his friend as she began to explain. Can't, Al's, no room. None of it was true unless she wanted it to be, and that he could understand but he hoped Flair knew that it was only her choice, that she had just as much a right to live and be happy here as any of them.

I keep feelin' like somethings missing.

Yeah, that he could definitely empathize with. Chan nodded, communicating as much.

"I'm missin' somethin' too," he confided with a softened smile, hoping it helped his friend feel a little less alone in the matter.

"None of us own the mountain, y'know. There's more than enough space for you if this where you wanna be, and in my opinion y'have just as much a right to form a family here too, whether that's havin' kids or even foundin' your own pack... you can have what ya want, Flair. Don't let someone else make ya feel like y'can't, okay?"

(This post was last modified: Mar 09, 2022, 02:41 AM by Chan.)

These feelings weren’t entirely new, which was why she tried not to put too much stock in them. Over the years, Flair had gotten used to feeling lost, certain she would never find that missing piece, whatever it was. But she’d thought joining the Cove would be that, would finally put her at ease, among friends who accepted her. Instead she found herself being drawn away, going on longer and longer excursions on her own, longing for the solitude; Even though her years as a loner had been incredibly lonely.   It was paradoxical, and enough to drive her quite mad if she thought too hard about it. Still, it felt good to speak it out loud and feel Chan’s support, knowing he wouldn’t judge her. She didn’t expect him to confess a similar feeling though – she knew he longed to be back on the move, but this seemed like more than that. A pale smile was given in return to his, her own muzzle dipping in a faint nod, a mutual understanding.   She listened quietly as he continued to talk, feeling grateful tears burn behind her eyes, though she quickly blinked them back. It meant the world to her, that he took her seriously and didn’t just outright dismiss her feelings even though he disagreed. Swallowing a lump in her throat, she nodded at the question, taking a moment to collect herself before answering quietly; “Thank you. That… That means a lot.” Though still a little shaky, her smile grew as she met his eyes, voice stronger as she continued: “I jus’… Wish I knew what it was.” That was all she could say, but she hoped he could tell how much his words meant to her; Maybe one day I’ll find out… ”Speech" Thoughts

dawnthieves.de, FairieGoodMother @DA & Lakela @DA

(This post was last modified: Feb 25, 2022, 10:48 PM by Flair.)

Chan watched the emotion that crowded his friend's features, his own pinching with sympathy that he hoped wouldn't be off-putting in the moment. She seemed to need a minute, and so he closed his eyes and turned his face into the wind, enjoying the feeling against his muzzle and wolfish cheeks. No one needed to be stared down while grappling with their emotions, especially those who rarely bared them to begin with. When Flair spoke again, his eyes peeked open, tail thumping against his own hip lazily to show appreciate for her words while he leaned his shoulder against hers in solidarity.

"Even hints would be nice," he commiserated with another amused display of his teeth, "somethin' tellin' ya 'keep going, you're getting closer' or 'hey, you made a wrong turn, go back!'"

Instead of guessing and hoping they were on the right track to getting whatever it was that they wanted from life.

"... I think we'll figure it out."