Cedarwood Forest the shadow of my heart

<blockquote><i>October 5th; Early morning, before dawn.</i>

It hadn't occurred to Angier how far he had traveled or how <i>close</i> he had gotten to Vlarindara's last place of residence until he realized a familiar scent washed over him and dominated the air. His eyes came into focus and he stared for some time at the gnarled base of a cedar tree. <i>Jaysyek?</i> Was that her name? He shook his head as his brows furrowed and his forehead creased with worry. He couldn't remember. In fact he couldn't remember anything it seemed...

What he had last eaten... <i>When</i> he had last eaten. How long ago it had been since Fenru had chased him off. What Vlarindara had last told him or how he had seemingly found himself right on his brother's doorstep.

Angier Lyall was lost. Again. But this time the confidence had gone and a cloud of doubt and restlessness plagued his very being. He steadied himself on his willowy limbs then stared into the forest in front of him. At least he no longer smelled or look like a pack wolf. Perhaps he would be <i>welcome here</i>? His thoughts immediately flashed back to Elettra and how their <i>bond</i> was built on his ardent support of distrusting Borden. He let out a soft sigh and his stomach let out an audible growl. Perhaps it was best to believe that his feet had led him here in search of Vlarindara.

<i>Yes, that was it.</i>

Vlarindara. A small howl left his lips, something comparable to a soft tune hummed by a mother soothing her cubs. That wouldn't do. His ears fell back along his neck and tried a beckoning bark instead. The sound that came from his throat sounded like a pained yelp instead. Worry reflected in his eyes now and he decided to try again after moving forward a few meters. Clearing his throat and tilting back his head, he called <i>desperately</i> for the wolves of the Hollow.</blockquote>

(This post was last modified: Oct 05, 2012, 08:10 PM by Angier.)

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<blockquote>The hollow had been rather quiet as of late except for whatever the hell was drawing bobcats in. She would think there was a female in heat, or an endless supply of dinner since two had been so enticed here. Surely bobcats did not eat pups? She could see them wanting to destroy them, but no she would clear the picture from her mind. It had enough to deal with, there was no room for such things.

Paws stepping precisely infront of the other she trailed the borders wanting to make another patrol. Despite her will, want, talks, and dsicplene to keep her children safe they were too eager to follow their wanting hearts. Something she could not blame them for, the world was theirs to discover. It only was not as safe as she would like it to be. She felt like she was constantly trailing after them, keeping them out of some mischief. At this rate she wondered when spring returned if she would want more. Something else she was caught in looking forward to, and dreading. She needed to get this generation of Lyalls grown up with toes, and ears intact.

Continuing to wander, keeping her eyes open she would not know another was contemplating his own life. Until the lightest sound echoed off the bark on the trees. She wasn't sure if it was a howl, and it sounded so unfamiliar. Her triangle points twitched, and she trotted closer. She was greeted by an rather stranger sound, and her brows furrowed. What on earth? She really did not want another timid loner wanting to join, but unable to ask. Today her patience was a little thinner than usual.

She closes in on the target, seeing a very rugged, yet familiar man, calling desperately for the pack. <b>"Angier?"</b> She questions, not all certain it is the same wolf. He looks very ragged, and lost.</blockquote>

<blockquote>The approach of the very individual he had remembered, expected and dreaded all at once came into view. His eyes immediately linked the sight of ivory fur to the face of the woman he was anxiously hoping for and his heart gave a leap. A leap so great he felt it could have jumped straight out of his chest. The air held captive in his lungs gave him no reprieve as he breathed in with a startled gasp. The sight of the Hollow leader's mismatched eyes - unalike in color rather than in scarred and unscarred - made him turn away. In shame.

<i>"Angier?"</i> she addressed him.

It almost hurt to hear her voice. To have let his hopes soar up so high to have them crash back down in realization that it was not Vlarindara who had come to greet him. He bit back his dismay and choked back his sorrow, his muzzle and forehead wrinkling further before his features smoothed when he closed his pale eyes. If this had pained him as much as it had, to the point of physical pangs, he could not bear to imagine how meeting the white lady who had once been his beloved would have felt like. He was certain he could have died. Here. Right now.

His large ears lowered and he opened his eyes slowly to stare at the space in front of him. He shivered; his bottlebrush of a tail began to curl between his legs. <b>"M-my Lady,"</b> he stammered. <b>"Forgive me."</b> A low, brief whine slipped from his throat and he braced himself. <b>"I'm lookin' fer Vlarindara."</b> Angier's teeth grit together as his mind hung onto her name, every memory attached to her, every hope he had dashed to the ground from his singular mistake of displayed disloyalty and misdeeds of even thinking of abandoning Swift River. Struggling to mentally pull himself together, his limbs stiffened and he held as still as his nerves would allow underneath his vibrating frame. <b>"P-Please."</b></blockquote>

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<blockquote>There was joy found in his eyes until he must have realized something. Though she was confused it did not mar her face. Had he thought... Jaysyek wasn't sure if he could have really mistaken her for Vlarindara. The only time she had met him it was clear they had known each other, beyond that was just assumptions she did not wish to make.

The wolf before her hid his face, what seemed to be a moment to collect himself. She let him have it, letting her eyes rest to the brush beside him, rather than boring into his hide. There was a want in her to comfort him, from where that came inside her she did not know. Held steady, certain he would not want her toucn nor that she should give it.

When he was ready, she slowly let her eyes drift pack to his golden pair. He was much unlike the Angier she had met, and it was drastic comparing the one she had to the one before her. It triggered the memory of Borden broken. Ot was too familiar for her and she swallowed back to rid herself of that thought. It was hard, because she had a tender heart. Holding her mask steady, she listened, observing him with a thoughtful gaze she often wore.

He spoke it was true he had hoped for Vlar. Why why did she always have to bear such awful news. How much she would love to howl for the lady, see his face light up, maybe even both. A call would go unanswered for both of them. A frown, she could not keep it from her lips, she let out a sigh. Then slowly spoke. <b>"I'm sorry Angier, Vlar was here recovering, but she vanished again. I can not say where she is, or if she shall return. I wish I could tell you..."</b></blockquote>

(This post was last modified: Oct 31, 2012, 04:38 AM by Jaysyek.)

<blockquote><i>"I'm sorry Angier,"</i> the Hollow leader's voice suddenly seemed distant in the brute's ears. Angier tried to focus, to hear her over the thundering heartbeat against his eardrums. <i>"Vlar was here recovering, but she vanished again. I can not say where she is, or if she shall return. I wish I could tell you..."</i> He winced as a sharp pang hit the depths of his chest and he let out another whine. His teeth ground together and he shook his head.

This bit of information wasn't new, when he actually deeply thought about it. Vlarindara was always one for wanderlust. She had traveled through Relic Lore to the crags of Mount Dire to see him, left Grizzly Hollow on a few occasions to seek his companionship. The image of her malnourished, wounded, and scarred body laid to rest in the middle of a dying meadow made him bite back the words of dissent on the tip of his tongue. Jaysyek had already told him that she could not even tell him if Vlarindara would come back to the Cedarwood.

<i>Shock and denial</i> that Vlarindara was truly gone. <i>Pain and guilt</i> that he had ruined everything he and Vlarindara could have had. The <i>anger and bargaining</i> that he never truly expressed because of Fenru's intervention and threat to never return; how he was furious that Indru seemed not to appreciate the work he had done to pay back Swift River's kindness. The <i>depression and loneliness</i> that now clung to every fiber of his being... At this point, Angier figured he might as well cut his losses. Vlarindara Windrunner was <i>gone</i>, yet he was behaving as though she had <i>died</i>...

Jaysyek had told him that she had vanished, right? She absolutely didn't say that she had met her demise or anything of the sort. Perhaps... Perhaps somewhere, Vlarindara was finally safe. Maybe even healthy and well taken care of by wolves who overlooked the blindness in her left eye. He blinked. She had all that <i>here</i>. Grizzly Hollow had tended to her as long as she would have them, so why... <i>why, why, why, WHY, WHY, WHY had she gone?!</i>

It suddenly dawned on Angier his thoughts were beginning to run amuck in his already clouded mind. He took a moment to bring himself back to the present. <b>"I..."</b> he began quietly. <b>"I see..."</b> He swallowed. Nothing about Jaysyek's proclamation would ever make him feel better, even if things beyond Relic Lore were exactly what his beloved had needed or even craved. It might have been selfish to consider but, in the very least, Angier could have hoped she would have at least said good bye after all that they had planned and geared up to wait for. <b>"M-Maybe it's better this way,"</b> he murmured more to himself, even if the simple statement couldn't offer him the resolution he ached for. <b>"I'm sorry to 'ave bothered you, Jaysyek, but... thank you."</b>

Slowly craning his neck towards her, he timidly glanced up into her face. <b>"I jus'... I needed t' hear it. I... I knew somethin' 'ad happened."</b> He grimaced, sorrow distorting his tawny features. <b>"I jus' didn't see it comin', not after all that she had told me..."</b> His arched frame edged backwards in a sort of uneven shuffle. <b>"I-I hope you're well though? Even with her g-gone? The last I heard she... she told me she was scared... she wanted... she wanted to make sure the pups would be taken care of, that she couldn't fail you again."</b></blockquote>

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<blockquote>Once this might have fanned a flame for hatred, but Jayse was detached. Perhaps only at a loss for Angier who might not understand how often Vlar did this. She had after all been gone for some months now, and Jayse had learned not to put too much into the manner because she couldn't afford to. It seemed coming and going was just what Vlarindara did. Jayse wouldn't understand that, and she wasn't sure what would happen if she returned to the Hollow again. The leader would like to think she had found Raigo, or was helping someone else in need.

The pale lady was quiet, letting Angier take time to absorb it all, and come to his own musings on the issue. It seemed like a hard pill to swallow, and Jaysyek was curious how much time they had spent together. Loss was never easy, she knew it all too well, but there seemed more happening behind his silver and tan face. It was as if what he needed had been shattered, and existed no more. It was awful to think what that meant for him. He did not look part of a pack, he had always been a loner in her mind. If Vlar had been his hope to move forward...No she really did not want to think more into it, get herself feeling hurt too. His deep voice came slow, it was not hard to see he was at a loss from it all. Oh Vlar she thought why could you have not been here least for him? Hadn't that always been their issue, no wolf's heart for Vlar? Jaysyek would not understand her reasons for this.

Hearing the thank you, it made her start to feel worse for the man. There was nothing to thank her for. She solemnly dipped her head, her face so blank and empty by this meeting. <b>"I know her brother Raigo left the pack before her, and she could be looking for him. It troubled her without him here, and she really needed his forgiveness too,"</b> she offered this bit of information, but doubted it would hold much comfort. They must have had some kind of plan together, and it worried Jayse something had happened to her for it to end like this. Yes, the excuse of Raigo she needed too.

A perk of interest crossed her face as he continued his words,and she had a dim smile. <b>"I know Vlar was sorry for many a thing, and it was the reason I did not cast her away. Before she left she had in fact protected the children from some hungry intruder, and I do miss her. But I've learned long ago lost souls are not easy to find."</b> She not meant for words to hurt more, but it was the sad truth he must have come to already realize. <b>"You know I hope you don't plan on surviving winter alone, I think a wolf is only meant to take so much"</b></blockquote>

<blockquote>Jaysyek continued by offering information about Vlarindara, about how she had <i>possibly</i> left in search of Raigo. Angier sniffed; he had forgotten about the yearling. His ears pressed back against his neck. Maybe Vlarindara didn't care <i>that much</i> about him, perhaps Raigo's wellbeing eclipsed any concern she might have had for him and their plans.

He gulped back the lump that was forming at the back of his throat again. <i>"...lost souls are not easy to find."</i> Angier nodded solemnly. Lost souls. That was just about right. He considered for a moment that he and Vlarindara could be two of a kind. Half-driven by wanderlust, half-driven to serve a family who held them in high esteem that they would protect the pack they affiliated with. "Lost" was actually a good, square definition, and maybe, just maybe, they were actually <i>not meant</i> to find one another again. The few chances he had been able to meet with Vlarindara had been by luck.

His brows rose in worry. Maybe his luck had run out. <i>"You know I hope you don't plan on surviving winter alone,"</i> she extended. <i>"I think a wolf is only meant to take so much."</i> Angier turned to glance back to Jaysyek, to offer her the best smile he could manage, a few twitches of the corners of his mouth. <b>"Yeah,"</b> he agreed. <b>"Well, I'm... not sure yet... what I'm gonna do. I might... I might try to see how Elettra is before I do anything else."</b></blockquote>

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<blockquote>Emotions were exposed on his light face, and her words were not a fix for them. They were no meant to be, nothing would fix that but Vlar, possibly time. A broken heart was not easy to mend, and it was more rare to be made whole again. She took into consideration how he tried to hide it back, give her assurance. She knew better than that, despite not knowing him very well. She hated to make him remain here, if he wished to leave for the sole purpose of having his thoughts his only company. How long had it been since he had seen another?

A single white ear twitched at Elettra's name, finding it strange he knew another of her friends. She wasn't sure if she should be disturbed or relieved. She couldn't help think how Elettra had left because of Vlar's return. <b>"Give her a hello for me, if you wouldn't mind. I have sadly not seen her for some time,"</b> her words faded as she recalled her departure. Why did the seaons bring other changes? She let out a quiet sigh, <b>"I feel I should warn you though, El left here because of Vlar and I am not sure how that might affect things.. "</b> She really wasn't, but it was too late to take the words back. It was in caution she hated for things not to pan out well for him if he met up with the silver lady and the white one returned. There was a temporary moment when her brows touched, feeling it was so strange to think of how it seemed the same things could play out but for different wolves as some strange cycle. He had her warning, and she did not know what else she could. Her white face softening, Jayse was most concerned for his well being because she would hate to find him half starved, and dying much like Vlarindara. Nothing to live for, no will to want to move on...

<b>"Angier, if you can't find her...or some where you are welcome here for however temporary or permanent."</b>
</blockquote>

<blockquote>Angier nodded briefly to confirm that he would relay Jaysyek's salutation. She proffered a warning and he heeded her carefully. <i>Elettra and Vlarindara</i>, he learned, <i>had had a sort of falling out.</i> His head canted to the right as he processed the information. Perhaps this disagreement between them had sparked their departures, or... <i>wait.</i> He shook his head.

It was confusing. Everything about <i>this</i> - his relationships with Elettra, Vlarindara, Jaysyek, and Borden in particular - made his head spin. He took a second to straighten his facts, to piece together the puzzle or web of relationships he had become entwined in and somehow figure out where he stood in the middle of all of it.

<i>Borden and Jaysyek, love. Borden and Vlarindara, unrequited. He and Vlarindara, unrequited. He and Elettra, allies and maybe even more if he truly focused his energy towards what they already had as friends. He and Jaysyek, friends? Borden and Elettra, adversaries, of course...</i>

<b>"I'm sure it'll be fine,"</b> he assured her eventually. <b>"We've been on good terms."</b> The corners of his lips lifted up in a genuine smile but they fell slowly back into the solemn line. His eyes held her gaze for a brief moment, a spark lighting up between them as the hope of being recruiting among Willow Ridge's ranks came to mind.

<i>"Angier, if you can't find her...or some where you are welcome here for however temporary or permanent,"</i> she proceeded. The light in his pupils dimmed as he was brought back to the present. He blinked twice before her words finally settled at the forefront of his mind. A wince warped his faint mask again but along with the desperate hope a sort of relief seemed to be present as well, reflected in the golden rings around his eyes. He had to playback her statements, word for word, just to be sure he had not imagined them. <b>"I..."</b> he started again. <b>"Really?"</b> His tail gave a small wag. <b>"I 'ppreciate your kindness, Jaysyek. Thank you. Maybe hopefully I can... get back to you, no matter what type of turn I take, for better or worse."</b>

He felt a modest grin tugging at his muzzle and he had to turn away. <b>"D'you think..."</b> he took a deep breath, his gaze darting to random spots on the forest floor in front of him. <b>"D'you... Would... Would Borden be all right if I... had to... wanted to stay here?"</b> He nervously glanced back up, <b>"How is he by the way? Well, I 'ope? We've... We've never been on the best of terms."</b></blockquote>

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<blockquote><3

If only Jaysyek was aware of what dark intentions Angier would return with in time. She would not offer an ounce of kindness she would have been grabbing for his throat. It was one thing to walk through hell once... This man before her she did not see any malice in, just pain. Something that might not take a remedy, but an ending. Something the Lyall would have to want to change, that was where everything began.

It was curious still how he was friends with all these females. She would have to assume just friends. Was he more like his brother than he liked to admit, or was he more like Valiant? Disturbing thoughts to process. <b>"If you say so. Elettra is an honest lady."</b> One thing Jayse could never doubt, and admired about her.

The offer struck him in a different way. He not use to thoughtful gestures, and kindess? Hate to think what else he had been through for her words to have a momen to take affect. <b>"I wouldn't expect you to, but if you were to make it in Willow Ridge it would be nice to know another wolf."</b> He might posess a soul of wanderlust and yet to know it. The offer sounded good. She wouldn't need a spy of sorts, but friendy contact never hurt.

<b>"Borden? I think if you could live with him, he could live with you,"</b> she had a faint grin, thinking it summed up the issue. It was not strange for him to ask about his sibling, but she detected a bit of conflict on his own feelings. Should he be worried or happy. <b>"He is, we have our paws full with four pups, but I think that's what keeps up at our best. But I'm sorry you two haven't worked things out. "</b> She grasped why they had not, but hated to see how they both held onto it. (not that she could blame them) If she saw her siblings again she would not hesitate to make amends. </blockquote>